Asylum of the Dead

Was just browsing through some o the crappy notepad files I write down. Lotsa them lie around which don't make it to the blogpage. This was one of them.
Read it...and I was thinking...'Bloody hell what was I thinking when I wrote this!'.

At a point its funny/disturbing. But I guess this was at the phase when I was totally sozzled in death metal. Fun times. :)
And please if you're gonna temme stop listening to death metal when you're done reading this. Dont!
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Feed on decay
the skull that bleeds to death
the core of dismay
Realigned in hell.

The flesh of thy blood
the powerless hungry saint
Corrupt from the wounds
by traitors of the sane!

The untimely urge
of yielding the bloody sword
the dark face surrounds
the unholy Satan god.

The mind just seems to
surrender to deformity
the unformed caprice
of the vile heretic priest.

The thoughts so obtuse
that feeling numb it seems
the giving thats taken
for the millions forsaken.

The heart of this soul
the life that weeps instead
of healing the broken
the broken, the dead!

Welcome to the asylum.

Addendum

Goin thru all the nostalgia writin the last post made me forget a major major thing. I missed out an important point in those listed ones about our quality time stuff n all.

Anyway it was soo cool that it needs a post of its own i guess.

• While comin back home late at night we would be on our bikes (*cough*...not mine...coz i dont own one!) and there is one seriously lonely road from the farmhouse to the highway. Used to be pretty empty and barren at any time of the day. So we would switch off the lights [although maulik didnt require that, since his bike didnt have a headlight!] and ride through the cold and dark roads. The only thing that surrounded us was the moonlight, and the cold wind on our faces. The good thing was that the bikes weren't all that noisy so it had that 'floating effect' to it. All in all it was loads o fun.

And I remember this time when Sid was with us on his way back, we had our lights dimmed and he was all soaring through the road with his hi beam luminance. The rest 3 of us were shouting 'Saale! Light band kar.', 'batti bujjha' and stuff like that. Still he failed to realize what we were so anxiously endeavoring to accomplish. He scooted off pretty quickly.

Sigh!
Waiting for the reunion :D!

Como estas amigo

I was just sittin on my terrace a few days back with my mp3 player and was shufflin' thru the playlist. Suddenly a maiden song pops outta nowhere and then for the next hour I didnt move an inch from my place. It was the metallica, megadeth and maiden playlist...and whenever I listen to maiden all I could think of is the ol' 'Morbid Genesis' days. Listening to trooper n Hallowed be thy name....my god! how memories and nostalgia rush back in.
Its the power of songs you know...every song has an allocation space for the memories at that time. Like listening to hybrid theory reminds me of my eight grade days n stuff like that.
All I could think of at this time was the jam and practice sessions we had at mruganks farm place. And gosh those were such fun times. I donno abt the rest of the people but that period of fun that I had was quite significant for me.

We would all prepare ourselves a week before the actual show when we have to perform, and still we would screw around with our instruments most of the time. At first when I joined the band I used to find it odd as I thought that all these bands worked four hours a day and would not sleep n all. And here we were jammin 2-3 times a week and still we would make it on stage. And considering the amount of practice we did, we did perform quite well. Yeah baby! :D

Of all the morbid sessions it was Mrugank's farm house that I guess I(and maybe 'we the band') enjoyed the most.
Some of the quality moments that we had were as follows ...

• Maulik, me and mrugank would set out for the jam place all ready with our heavy equipments all decked with processors and stuff like that. The place was about 13kms away, and just when we're about to cross the 10km mark mrugank would suddenly be reminded of the most important thing we needed - the key to the farm house. And this happened 3-4 times as far as i remember. So the double kheti's added a lotta digits on the odometer. Still the stupidity was fun somehow.
• Maulik singing the Cradle of filth cover of Hallowed be thy name. And people screwing around laughing incessantly. Maulik does have a bright future being Danni filth though.
  
• Sid explaining me and mrugank how the A lydian would sound better than an E phrygian or something of that sort for our original composition, while the whole time me n mrugank would have that 'We-are-a-couple-o-baboons-in-a-nuclear-physics-class' expression. I felt like a total illiterate , I donno what mrugank was goin through. But still things did work out well with the lydian mode I think. Hehe!
• The mic!!! Oh yes...the makeshift mic stands we had to make. Hanging the mic on the window, passin it over the ceiling fan (that was quite a task!)...and the famous balti mic. That is...keepin the mic between two buckets (tough to explain man!) and balancing it in such a way that we have a perfect blend of echo and reverb n delay. Take that digitech!!
• Forcin mrugank to take his 'gaddi' along!! Yes, we were successful at some attempts.
• Screwing around with the line-up...sid on drums...maulik on guitars...me on bass...mrugank...umm well he stuck to his guitar as far as i think. Though he did sing a bit one time...damn! i didnt record that!!

Altogether It was so much fun. I used to get scolded back home for coming late sometimes but It was kinda like' a price to pay for' thing.

And It was at the time when we had to clear the farm house that I gotto know how attached I was to the place. Me and mrugank had gone to the farm for the last time to dismantle the drum set...the last piece of equiment left there. And I seriously had that empty feeling to look at the place without people and the energy. It felt so wierd and lifeless at that time. And it was like a big farewell thing. I suddenly got that pang of nostalgia and the sadness of departure type thingies.

And then I was standin there outside...me n mrugank lookin at the house.
"So this is the last time I think we'll be seein this place, right?" I said in a more controlled tone trying to sound all macho and 'Men dont cry' type.
"Yup. The last time. We'll try to jam again some day, though It wont be so soon." Replied mrugank.
We gave a last goodbye to the farm house and departed.

Suddenly lamb of god started off, the maiden playlist was over. Hmmmph...sigh. Back to reality and present times for now. Miss those days!

[
This post is dedicated to all the 'morbid genesis' members I've been with -
Purav, Mrugank, Maulik, Sid, Sankalp, Percy, Anubhav, Harsh, Joel...all of you guys!
Rock on!!
]

Numb

Its 3 A.M.
I'm lying in my balcony curled up, letting the winter chill pass through my body.
It gets colder with every passing minute, and the body failing to show any signs of resistance.
Simply because it doesn't want to.
I curse the violently bright moonlight as it laughs upon me.
The numbness sets in...of the cold and everything else. Somehow at such a time if feels better to be numb rather than being receptive to human emotions.
The mind gets drained of all its thoughts except a few that haunt around and refuse to fade.
It's colder now than it was when I came here...and I sleep on the cold floor.
I pull my legs upto my chest feeling an invisible womb of pure feelings around me.
The bat screeches.
I open both my eyes in acrid horror and hear my brain far from solace.

I was never good at accepting things the way they were, always trying to change things around me.
Its a part of life this - change. It just keeps on happenin and the next moment you know, you're somewhere else.
I was never good at adapting, but since the last few years that part of me has been exercised really well. I am a learner though.
I'm a new born child. Denying the rules by which the world plays with. I blindly see the beauty of things and smile and cherish upon the thought that comforts me - 'Beauty is forever'.
But maybe I go far too deep into happiness. Frankly, I don't know.
And 'I don't know' has been the answer to a majority of my own questions.
I am not the type of person who says 'All I want to be is happy'. Coz that is now how things work. With immense happiness always there is pain.
I am numb. And I guess I'm pretty good at seeing things differently now.
But still the adapting part has been a huge question mark for me.
Funny how things work though.
They always change. No matter what resistance you put in. Things change.
It can be the sad part of life or the happiest.
I was never good with change.
But sometimes when I sit and contemplate I realise,
that maybe the only thing constant in this world is change.

Reflections on emit

This is not me , this is just a....

Open your eyes. Is it so hard??
Can you see whats real?? Can you feel it??
People are so bound to themselves sometimes, isnt it so. Never get time to see whats important. Time to 'be there'. Time to have a laugh. Time to share a smile.
Time is intricate, complex and the best alibi when you run out of reasons. Time sucks actually!
I've got lots n lotsa time. I mean I could empty my pockets and you could see hours and minutes falling to something that newton once proposed. Crazy bloke Newton!! Think he knows it all!! Schmuck!!

So where was I .....oh yes....Time. People say time is money.
I say 'Haha!! Fuck you!'
I mean time is money. For cryin out loud...all that you want associated to time is money?? Doesnt that show how we homo sapien (+sapiens??) think. I like to blame humanity actually, it's like one o' my things on the 'things to do' list that I have.(I stopped blaming the chimps coz they stared practicing projectile fecal matter throwing on me...talk about evolution!!). So we come back to 'TIME'....we have time. We've actually got all the time we want. We just keep looking for breaks....but alas!! we have no time.

It is complex my fellow primates... we see the loss of time in everything.
So when does the 'quality' time come??
What is this 'quality' time??

*sinister mysterious music played on a cello and two violins*

After trying to calculate the answer in my brain for a brief period of 1.2334587 seconds (thats how long the registers in my brain function.) ...I have come to the conclusion that the best way to answer the question in order to avoid controversies, arguments, and people fumbling for the 'report as abuse' button on my orkut account shall be answered in the following manner -

'Sorry for the inconvenience!'


So ladies and worms, girls and germs...I hath successfully been umm.....successful in wasting thy time...and there's more too.

So where was I ....ahhh! yes....Time. Yes actually I just like blaming 'time' for everything too...its next to humanity and god on the 'blame list' that I have. If time was available at a retail store at every crossroad, then we can say 'time is money!'. But for now I discard that phrase, quote or whatever from my memory registers.

But if you wake up on the right (as in antonym of wrong) side of the bed, you shall see how beautiful time is when it is organised. When you can see what time goes where. When you have control.
But now one thing...does that mean you have to 'control' time??

*sinister music on an A minor scale*

Actually you never need to control, you just know stuff. Its that gut feeling you have to trust on like the ones you got when you were a kid with that 'i dont wanna go to school today' type gut feelings. See!!

So you don't need to hold time in you hands...it just flows!!!

Yes there is chaos, there is randomness....well ummm...lemme remove the 'randomness' for the time being, i'll stick to chaos!
But there is order in chaos too...thats chaos theory my fellow humans!
Therefore - Time is chaotic!

Time freaks me out too... the similar way I'm freakin you out while you're readin this piece of crap.

So people of the netherworlds and beyond, I say time is something we should not study about. Lets just limit it to SI units and physics numericals! No metaphysics here!


I repeat -
'Sorry for the inconvenience!'


By the way...*cough cough*...whats the time??

Vent

I am really bad at accepting things sometimes. And the worst at which I am is accepting my own faults. People point out my faults in me sometimes, It does help most of the times. But some obvious things are pointed out too, and then I'm given advice. I know about all this, I am just an inactive bonehead. I just get so worked up and angry sometimes that I just feel like breakin stuff and then I end up shouting alone to myself!!

I hate it sometimes, the fact that I dont accept things which are only or the good of me. I just am not the one to swallow the bitter pills that are laid in front of me. I had so much left to swallow...I cant fuckin handle all this in my head!!

I have never hated people ever in my life, coz I always thought that the more nice I do the more nicer people will get. Baah!! This fucked up world barely works this way...buttheads still remain the same way irrelevant of whatever 'nice' we do. I dont hate people, just hate their presence sometimes!!

I'm just too angry and full of the energy to break stuff right now.
Cant keep it bottled up inside - Fuck you world!!

Suffer the people

A collection of random thoughts I had today in the bus today...

I was thinking after watching so many people talk about stuff. Usually it is always seen that people want to show others around them that they have suffered through stuff that others don't know about. Like even If someone was awake till 4 in the morning to do an some work, then it usually is spoken in the 'oh-my-god-i-have-suffered-so-much' tone.
Is is that people expect sympathy?? Or just as a sign of merit that they have been through it all??

I talk of people as if i'm not one of them. But hey I'm human...i do that too. The thing is that tone is misused quite a lot, for us people its quite often that such a behavior would pop out.
People do like to whine sometimes, and the more response they get the greater the satisfaction is.
It just intrigues me some times about what usually is the source of it. Is it just to attract attention? to gain sympathy(again!)??

I'm full of questions. But I do have this will to understand that part of human psychology sometimes.

'Ohhh! i'm writing this stuff at 1 in the morning and I still have 2 more hours to work!!!'

Somebody gimme some sympathy!!!

Auguries of Innocence

The actual post was temporary and a bit disturbing...I dont feel that way right now. So here's the edit.
I know I cant delete my emotions and previous feelings, but I just felt this way.

Now coming to the poem by William Blake, the starting four lines are so beautiful...I was spellbound by the words. The whole poem is truly amazing especially the way it ends.

The poem starts with this -

"To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour."


Something about these four lines that really mesmerizes me.Just simply Wow!!


And it ends in the following way -


"Every Night & every Morn
Some to Misery are Born.
Every Morn & every Night
Some are Born to sweet Delight.
Some are Born to sweet Delight,
Some are born to Endless Night.
We are led to Believe a Lie
When we see not Thro' the Eye
Which was Born in a Night to Perish in a Night
When the Soul Slept in Beams of Light.
God Appears & God is Light
To those poor Souls who dwell in the Night,
But does a Human Form Display
To those who Dwell in Realms of day."

I might have just spoilt the main parts of the poem to you...but its just too amazing that I can keep it inside.
Brilliant!!

I did not cheat!!!

Ok...so I took a tickle test on what my room means to me n people n what not.
Here's what it says. Check it out -

...............................................................................

AJ, your room says you're Motivated

You've got goals, baby, and your ambition is more than apparent in your surroundings. While you might not color-code your entire closet or require hospital corners when you make the bed, your organized and well-thought-out room says that you like to be in charge of situations, and you have a clear plan for getting exactly what you want.

So when you find yourself cleaning, studying, or just relaxing in your room, it's pretty likely that you're also planning the next step toward a new challenge. Just don't work too hard. Remember: There's no place like your room for a nice, long nap!

...................................................................................

Pretty neat, huh?
Time to celebrate with the dust mites!!

This is now

Some say better late than never.
Why not now??

Leave you with these lyrics...

HATEBREED - This is now

Another memory and I'm asking myself
How can I let the past be the past.
Once and for all take a hold of the future
And not let it control what I aspire to have.
I see where my decisions have brought me
What's done is done and it's time to start again
Can't let it tear me in two waste me away
I gotta believe
Cause this is now
How can I change tomorrow if I can't change today.
This is now
If I control myself I control my destiny.
What I've seen and what I've been through has made me who I am
There was a time in my life where I had no desire to carry on
I couldn't see a place for me or a will to survive
I never thought to rely on myself or the beliefs that I have denied
But this is now
How can I can change tomorrow if I can't change today
This is now
If I control myself I control my destiny
If I control myself I control my tomorrow
I got to change today
Cause this is now
How can I change tomorrow if I can't change today.
I must control myself if I 'm to control my destiny.
Cause this is now.
Cause this is now
How can I change tomorrow if I can't change today.
This is now
If I control myself I control my destiny

So far, So good, So what...

I was always into music since I was a kid. Back then it started with 'hindi' songs and using my mom's old turntable to listen to the sounds of the beatles and santana and abba (though I found it hard at that time why people liked santana so much!). The turntable was awsum at times, it had that old charm thing associated with it...that vintage feeling of old is gold thing. And this thing was quite old, coz it looked like a survivor of world war 1. This was all during '95 - '99.

The main influence for my love in music has been my sister, coz whatever she used to hear...I had to hear it. Coz once she records a song, she kept on playing it again n again for days till the 'juice' ran out. I was so bored by the 'my heart will go on' song at that time that I used to make fits in front of my sis that if she didn't stop that song then i'll have to leave home and run away so that all the blame would be on her. (hehe! at that time I always used to blackmail my family members that i'll leave home and never come back. And my 'leaving home' never got past the front gate!). Slowly suddenly I started liking those Celine Dion songs coz that was what my sister used to loop. And then there was a song 'To the moon and back' by savage garden...brings all those ol' times back.

At that time there were no mp3's and cassetes used to cost 120 bucks (which was quite high considering our pocket money was 50 bucks a month!). So what my sis used to do was keep a tape recorder ready near the TV and record stuff directly whenever one of her favorite songs appeared. Channel V was her main source at that time. The quality was awful and was only clear to the point that the lyrics would be barely audible. But it was kinda like a desperate time , and desperate times require desperate measures.

My second most significant influence was my cousin brother Prashant. He introduced me to a whole new world of rock at that time, we'll come to that later though.

So here starts my timeline.



2000 - The 'backstreet boys' time was here. Most of the people I know had this part in their lives for a time, when backstreet boys was considered to be the epitome of 'cool'. Pop had dominated over a lotta things at that times. Also others were N'sync, 911, boyzone, spice girls....and all that kinda similar stuff. I was never a fan of britney or christina at any point though, coz they had that 'i'm a dumb bimbo' image stuck to them which was really irritating. I must admit tho that I used to listen to one particular album of spice girls and the song 'wannabe' was something that I used to loop over and over again. But I got bored of it eventually.
I remember the time the sony stereo system had entered the premises of my humble abode, I used to keep the 'everybody' song on total loud volume to showcase my 'cool' choice of music to my neighbors. And then people at school started listening to it and discussin about it. I remember there was a particular line '...am I the only one?...yeah...am I sexual...' and then all the people would go all 'Aay haay!' as if they had just witnessed a murder taking place. The school mount abu picnic was fun coz this was the only 'engliss' song that people knew. It was also quite hilarious though watching people try to act cool coz they thought they knew what the lyrics for the song were.




2001 - The horizon was expanding and backstreet boys were sounding the same as they started. Started listening to corrs, sheryl crow, garbage, RHCP and all that stuff which sounded a bit more mature than the usual poppy stuff.
At that time Eminem had taken over a large part of my musical time because of his controversial and funny lyrics filled with profanity. The label 'Parental Advisory lyrics' was quite new to me at that time. And hearing silent beep over the tons of 'F-words' was something I found really funny at that time. I started memorising the lyrics and made attempts to rap at the same velocity at which Eminem was goin at. Though I never sounded right it was fun to try.

As I was fond of eminem at that time, so I tried my hand at some other hip hop stuff. But I never liked all the other stuff coz all o' them sounded the same and boring. It was just like 'plain talking' with some rythmic beats in the background.

At that time mp3's had entered and it was quite easy to get CD's of your favourite songs now. Downloading was not a ver good option though coz the dial ups were really slow (it took 20 mins to download a single mp3!).




2002 - The hip hop effect had gone, and I gave up trying to decipher what all the lyrics meant which usually consisted of money,fame,booty and blah blah stuff like that. At that very time I had heard a song called 'Points of authority' on channel V . I didnt like it much the first time I heard it but then it kept on goin on in my brain. It seemed catchy. And so I downloaded the song and found myself listening to it everyday, almost evertime. That was when I got interested into rock music as such. I got more and more curious about linkin park and had bought an mp3 CD and got obsessed to it.

The thing I liked so much about LP at that time was the way in which they let out all emotions of sadness, anger, frustration etc. without the use of profanities. The song 'One step Closer' had meant a lot to me at that time and I was obsessed with it. The song has a part in which frontman Chester Bennington shouts 'Shut up! Shut Up! Shut up when i'm talkin to you!!'...god! it was so amazing at that time to have that feeling of freedom through music. I got the hybrid theory and the 'Reanimation' album and soon I started collecting cassettes. I also had bought a 'Limp Bizkit' album at the very same time...it didnt make much sense to me though. And there was a song called 'Hot Dog' which apparently had 56 'f-words' in the song and justified with the 'notorious bad boy' image fred furst had. But there were other slow and jumpy songs too through which I found limp bizkit empowering in a way.
But my obsession with LP just kept on increasin. I started readin stuff about them, about how the band was formed, about their past, almost every interview....I was one big fan. I even had joined all the chatrooms and found similar people on the net ( I had to sneak in to a cyber cafe sometimes to surf the net coz I was not allowed more than 10 mins at home!). LP had taken over a huge part of my life at that time.
It got all expressive coz I had so much frustration inside me...being he 'invisble kid' (hehe!). And I knew that none of the people around me would understand the music that I listened to, and that made it more precious in a way.
It was a channel for me now.




2003 - Meteora had been released this year and LP had quite a fresh sound now, they seemed more mature though. There was no equivalent of 'One step closer' but 'faint' was quite close to it.
I started memorising the lyrics and started rapping. Mike Shinoda was the one who I idolised at that time. And I was pretty good at it. I started writing my own lyrics (which were quite pathetic!!) and started practicing. The rap/rock genre was what I was pretty much stuck to... this also included limp bizkit and papa roach.
Papa Roach had a new flavour to it...and the agression it had was quite awsum.

System of a down had come into the scene now. I bought their first album. And personally, I hated it quite a lot. It had profanities in every song, the lyrics were meaningless and the tempo of the songs was confusing. Then I heard the second album. 'Toxicity' was born in me. And then came 'chop suey'. The lyrics were wierd, some really funny (listen to : pogo and jet pilot). And now I had gone back to the first album and it sounded better now. Musically SOAD was realy fun to listen to, mostly becoz of their quirky n whacky lyrics. But some songs had a meaning...especially the song 'Spiders' which sounded quite poetic.

At these times I was getting highly philosophical in life and started getting the 'i'm feeling low' thing quite often. It was tough...and all the music that I listened to helped only in some ways. Although 'One step closer' was the most liberating song at that time, it felt as is there was a need to find something new.

As I had gone for a trip to crossword I was searching for something heavier and more heavy metal types. I was browsing through the cassettes when one album cover really had an impact on me. It looked quite creepy at that time. It was Korn - issues.
I bought the album on the spot, went home at sat listening to it on my walkman. It was deep and had a lotta hard emotions to it. At a point it was disturbing, but the creepy sounds from the guitar were simply awesome. It had a sudden impact on me. And I found a new channel now...though I still had LP on my playlist. But this music was darker, deeper and explored a new horizon.

Soon sunny (my neighbour) had also joined me with a similar taste of music. He loved LP and korn too. And the feeling of sharing musical tastes with someone was really something I was looking for. To discuss about the songs, the lyrics, the riffs...everything. Splendid.

Somewhere near that time my cousin Prashant was workin in surat. So he used to come over to our place whenever he had his weekends free. He was the only who greatly influenced into listening to classic metal stuff. I remember that we had gone for a walk once and he explained me the whole scene how metallica was, what megadeth was and how maiden inspired him musically. All of it did not have a sudden impact on me though, coz I used to tell him that megadeth didnt make much sense compared to LP and papa roach. He was laughing at me and said that i'll regret my statment later on. Funny thing is , I did.

As we went home my bro' found a megadeth cassette lying in our collection (it was Siddharth's contribution actually!). I had never heard it with interest...but my brother goes to the stereo, Starts the player, rewinds the tape and plays the song which is still there playin inside my head. It was 'Hangar 18'...and I tell you this the feeling that you get when you listen to that song the first time...incomparable!! Next was 'Holy wars...the punishment due' which was equally awesome. And then there was metallica which my brother had brought along with his collection. He had 'St.Anger' and i think the black album too. He made me listen to both these albums, and it was really a great feeling to listen to all this stuff all at one time. Though metallica didnt have much impact on me as megadeth at that time.
Was totally into megadeth.




2004 - Megadeth was still ruling me brain, but St.Anger was also goin on on parellel lines. Though St.anger didnt have that much of an effect on me except the songs 'Some kind of monster' and 'The unnamed feeling'.I knew about metallica since a long time. When I was in the 7th I had heard the 'Load' album (which my sis had borrowed from parasaran i think!) but it sounded quite deadpan at that time except the song 'Better Than you' (liked that one) and then there was 'I dissapear' which was the song i liked coz of the uber-cool video.

All the fast guitar riffs and solos had been goin on in my head for a long time now...but I needed something different for a while. Nirvana was the answer to that. I remember the first time I heard 'Smells like teen spirit'...the first time I had headbanged I guess. And it had this liberating power in it...Kurt Cobain was god! The lyrics seldom made sense and were barely audible sometimes, but when Cobain uttered words in his raw and rough voice it barely mattered. 'you know you're right' had the same effect and a lot more songs from the 'Best of nirvana' album. I started listening to a lotta other stuff like foo fighters, pearl jam, creed, Deep purple,Guns n roses, evanescence, Oasis etc. And everything started makin sense now. Music was not only about aggression anymore, it had layers.

9th october,2004. My sis had got passes for a gig at CEPT. This was my first rock show, A day I would never forget. Jinal N Rish were there wimme ( And I couldnt have imagined anybody else more perfect to accompany me that day). I had a total blast that day. It was unforgettable. And it was on the front lawn of the CEPT campus, which is quite an awsum place. And there was Big ban theory performing at that time. Splendid! Had headbanged so much that had a sore neck the next morning, but it barely mattered to the amount of fun that I was havin. I seriosuly wanted to learn the guitar now. I wanted to be with music, and create it too. This was a big day!

And now slowly the downloading music started being a common thing. I got a lotta music videos and Mp3's from Siddharth...a lott...and I really thank him for that.

Maiden had now entered my playlist all of a sudden, but I was too choosy about their songs. I listened to it mainly coz Siddharth used to tell me that it is really superb. Only 'The trooper' and 'The wicker man' were the maiden songs that I personally like, rest were so so n ok.




2005 - My main inspiration for learning guitar had been Siddharth. watchin him playin spanish solos on the guitar was really really inspiring! I joined a guitar class and was really impatient at first to start cracking the songs. But I was stuck on learning basics for a long long time. And it really irritated me coz my instructor used to gimme 'hindi' songs while I was sitting there tryin to play metallica. There was not much co-operation and I left the classes in barely 2 months from when I started and had planned the learn the guitar all by myself.

I started listenin to Hendrix and Led Zep quite a lot at that time. While korn and megadeth were still there existing. Had heard 'nothing else matters' at that time and was totally moved and touched by the song. It was the first whole song that I had learnt to crack on the guitar apart from 'Come as you are'. But things on the metallica scene were goin on the same way, when one day I came across one of their classics.
And 'master of puppets' was born for me. Metallica had been my master now...and I was the puppet. :D . The first time I heard master of puppets the song...and when the slow bridge was being played I remember just closing my eyes and feeling the music. I felt it.

I was totally into thrash metal now. Next I heard 'And justice for all...' which also stayed in my head for a long time... and the song 'One' had been an anthem for me. It was a like a prayer. Hetfield was god now! And I had total affinity towards all the metallica albums before 'Load' and 'Reload'.

I remember goin to the terrace at 11 in the night and air guitarin to the whole of 'And justice for all...' album. All of this had been with me for a long time back then.

Korn's 'Untouchables' had come in my hands now and it was quite an emotional album. Along with the Mix of 'Life is peachy' and the first album, all those nights on the terrace with my discman and the music...some seriously emotional and tough times had got through.




2006 - I had never stopped learning the guitar since the day I picked it up...and the guitarin was still on. I got my first electric guitar in May and later on in july my sis had bought me an RP50 guitar processor fro spain. It all added up and I was addicted. I would practice and keep on playin and I was never bored....ever. I didnt have a tutor, which was somewhat of a disadvantage but I was proud of the fact that I learnt all of what I know on my own.

Now I was deep into understanding music. I was maturing musically on one side while things were still the same in many ways. I started listening to bach, beethoven, mozart, Vivaldi (a bit) and It really felt meaningful now. I remember back when dad used to hear all this stuff I would always tell him that none of these instruments made sense. But now it was different. I was really moved by all the classics and also found a bit of the same taste in what mom used to listen to - Carnatic music. I was more receptive now to the different genre's of music and things were crystallizing. Though I still dont have the same interest in all of it now, but I still listen to it. And that feeling of knowing music really comes to me.
And now it was Floyd. I was never ever really fond of pink floyd myself...but my sis used to listen to the song 'wish you were here' so many times that I came to really understand that song later on. Though I have not been through the whole floyd collection I still find some of the songs really magical. Having the same effect as floyd was 'the doors'. It had that same magical effect that floyd had created. And all this was far different from what my usual taste of music was... and that exploring of genres was an awsum experience.


By september, college first year had started. The frustration was building up. I was angry at myself, but at the same time I was quite sad too. I was in hell. I just wanted release. I went back to my thrash metal stage now. I was quite bugged by college at that time, and I turned to more heavier and darker forms of music. Death metal had slowly made its way in some ways. But I would only listen to it at times of extreme anger or frustration, it was like a reserve thing.

I was into Children of bodom now. They ruled my playlist. They still are.





Present Year(2007) -
So Bodom it was ....continuing its way. Also have all the old stuff with me like metallica and megadeth n korn...cant forget them.

Was playing in a band at this time and was exposed to maiden quite a lot. I was crazy for maiden for a while. But some of it wore off with time.
This year I have jumped into more heavier forms of music I guess. 'Heavy metal' still rules over 'death metal' for me.
'Sepultura' had also had a great big entry in my playlist this year. The sound is awsome, guitars are ok. Superb drums (not playing wise but by the sound!)
Am totally into 'Trivium' and 'Lamb of god' Now....supposed to be of the 'metal-core' genre.


Though all these new things keep on coming I still will never forget my roots. I feel alive and free with the music. I agree that I am dependant on it in many ways, no denying that actually. Its just my refuge I guess to give me that liberating feeling. I donno how people perceive my love for music, but I confess it that I just cant live without it!!

Peace...ROCK ON!!!

[Phew!! this might be the longest post I've ever written!!]

music.mp3

The morning today was horrible. Nothing wrong happened as such, things just felt that way. And I had a grumpy face almost all day long.I t just didnt feel right. Monday mornings do have that effect on me.

Now the thing is that I felt quite lonely today. There was no messaging today and I didnt even talk to anyone. I just didnt feel like talkin to people around me. This feeling was there throughout the day. But I had my mp3 player along with me. And so I felt the power of music surge in me...and it was awsum. From morning to evening I had the earphones in me ear... nd I couldnt let go of it. Had listened to a lotta 'Lamb of god' today, sounds awsum nd empowering at times. And I didnt have that knot in my stomach anymore...except wen I removed my earphones (and still I would be air guitaring and drumming to the riffs playin on and on in my head!). I was not all that social today...but with music with me all the time, I just dont give a damn!!

Seriously...if I didnt have my player today with me it would have been hell. Cant imagine how I would have been.
And when I got home I got to go out to buy some stuff...had taken me 'gallant steed' and had music in my ears. Oh and the feeling is awsum ya know. With the wind in your face while you're listening to your favorite track!!
Ahh, bliss!
I was literally smiling and freakin out people today coz I was happy to hear the news about 'noise' selling so many copies and just the fact that I felt like a free bird!

The wind and the music. Cowabunga dudes!!!

ROCK ON!!!

At day's end

I did what I planned to do today. Was out the whole day and kept my mind off of things.
But now am wierdly so tired that I cant think properly...the so called 'brain' that I possess aint functioning. Everything that is happenin right now is purely on what emotion I'm goin through.
I just just kept on sayin things that werent processed in my brain and just went through without any filters...totally raw. And I was swearin' too. I felt bad about that.

Takes me back to friday when I was angry at my senior for he was sayin stuff abt a day when I was pissed off. I suddenly got up from my seat and started shouting and pointing at him and I did swear. It did feel very bad coz he didnt reply and I thought that I would be bashed up for it. But he was silent. That only made me feel worse actually. I did feel a bit strong tho' coz I did stand for what i believed for...just that I was downright blunt to say stuff on his face. And some things never change even with a 'sorry'. Apologies dont help everytime. They dont mend stuff. It was a mixed emotion. Am a confused 'kid' myself.

So, here I am...feeling wierd about things. Just learnt that never figure out things and keep thinking that this is the way things go....coz just when you thought you got it figured out, things strike back. There's this feeling inside your brain - 'Nothing is what it seems!'. Makes sense sometimes.

Random thoughts.
No nightmares tonight I hope.
Happy to be alive,
happy to be living for a reason!

Adios!

D-tox

Lotta stuff has been goin through my brain since last night. Things just bugging around and seems like they're playing tricks in my head.
I have to detoxify myself from all these thoughts. I need to keep myself busy in a way, so that I dont get time to be alone and think. Coz i know that if I start thinking things aint gonna be pretty.

I donno why I'm so bugged!! Just a very strong n bad sense that something not good is gonna happen. Am still scared. I shall stop now.
Get started with work i guess, my detox!

Untitled

I donno watts wrong with me...i was sleeping when this nightmare just flashed.
It is seriously stuck on to my brain. I donno if i'll be able to sleep now.

I was sitting on my terrace it was evening. And I was sitting near my usual place,when just that time somebody came up on the terrace, walked in front of me towards the edge and gave a sideways glance and smiled at me. Then he jumped and was no more on the edge.

He was me.

I seriously cant sleep. I just sensed in the night that something bad was about to happen, but I thought that I was paranoid about it. And now i just feel to disturbed and shaken. I'm just too scared now. I still have that feeling that something bad is about to happen. I guess i'll be extra precautious about stuff due to this horrible dream.

I donno what all this means, somehow i'm not curious. I just am scared, really scared and insecure!!
Shit!! I'm gettin paranoid that something is gonna happen...

I'll just calm down now since i've blogged it. Does help in a way. Somewhat.

To end on a humorous note -
Good Night!

Invisible Kid

Now i'll tell you the story of a boy who didn't like going to school.
A boy who was invisible to the rest of the people, half of them might not even have known his name.

Ok...i'll cut the crap.
Few days ago I was reminded of the ol' school days...this was during the time when all I knew abt jinal was that he was an 'efficient nasta stealer and a bit of a flirty type'...while rishabh...all I knew was that 'he could draw well'. Period. So this was when I didnt really know people from their inside how they were and what they were. They just existed for me...they had no value as such other than just having people around. I liked a lotta people and had so much fun playin with all o them, but emotionally I was one sick freak. Being hypersensitive about every minute thing, was scared to lie coz then 'bahot bada paap ho jayega' thing, had barely flesh inside me(see: skeleton-like) to open the textbooks and close them back.

I donno why I am spilling all this out...its just that I want it outta my system.

I am not in any way blaming all the people around for how mean they have been. Though there was this time when somebody bluntly shouted at me sayin ,"You can barely do anything right and you just try to sniff yourself and hang around girls expecting they would talk to you. Truth is that they dont even know that you're around. Filthy asshole!!". I was appalled when I got to hear this directly being said on my face, but the fact was that it was true. I hated myself for a lotta stuff... I never had achieved anything, I had no talent and mom n dad had to encourage to the point of forcing me do something creative, I was never good with the marks system. But the thing was I was never bad or a failure either.
I was just stuck somewhere in the middle. And the label 'average' had been laid on my head. At first it didnt seem bad but slowly it degrading and I started hating being called normal. Gradually I always took the word 'average n normal' to be associated with 'Who the fk cares about you, you can barely make it to the top!!' thing. I never had any reason to work on...it was all like if i get good grades then I get a better computer or something else that I wanted. But I never did care about all that stuff, maybe I was spoilt coz I got things that I wanted. I just got so pissed off at stuff that I just wanted to run away from everything.

I was slowly getting consumed by bitter thoughts. I would curse myself, sometimes hit myself, punch the wall till my fingers were bruised n started bleeding...and at a point it got all too worse when I started playin around with knives and sharp objects. I even thought at a time that I was an antichrist coz I had scratched the words 'pain is god' on my hand. It got all too dark and bad. The escapist and the defeatist attitude slowly crept in and at some of those hopless days I would be standing on the edge of the terrace making 'life-altering' decisions. I was never ever pressured at home...and that was something I saw past at how lucky I was to have such great parents. I was too consumed to having myself thrown away from the daily rut if living blind.

Around at that time I had started listening to rock music and slowly moved on too heavy metal and all its sub genres. It did change a lot in my life. I had a way to channel my anger, pain,misery, sadness...any extreme emotion. But the darkness didn't fade away as such...it was still there at the same level tho I was making myself believe that it was not there and I was fine. Ignorance is not always bliss though.

I did find it tough to fit into school coz I didnt interact with many people. My universe just mainly consisted on 4 of my friends. I was weak and was quite an easy target for bein picked and pushed around. I had a girly and weak voice, which made it easy for people to point and laugh at me sometimes. I never fought back coz I thought that noone is bad inside they just make mistakes...n I easily started forgiving people coz I knew I wont fight back. But it did spawn violent thoughts in me sometimes and I had even pictured myself bringing a shotgun to school so that people would listen to me and knew who I was. I think during the same year the colombia/arizona school shoot outs had happened and then I was just shocked at how sad it was and how pathetic I was to have even thought about having such awful things in mind. I was the saint's devil...hehe. Thats wat I called myself...proceeded further to being the heretic monk.

Outside,as a person I was seen as the achha baccha who would always help people and do good no matter what. Well that was true in a way...coz I was all that, just that deep inside I was mixed up in identifying who I really was. But I still hated myself coz things had not changed in any way...I was still termed as 'the average guy'.

I wanted to make my prescence felt but I didnt know how. Just then later on I started growing my hair and a beard and started dressin differently and tried to change the exterior part of me. I never wanted to grab attention exactly coz I was scared and shy of talking and reacting to people, being in mental isolation for so long.
Call me stupid,foolish, an ass, wierdo, freak...anything but it just worked at that time. I was out of the 'average guy thing' coz people now did notice me. I wasnt the skinny gawky kid with braces anymore. I did feel like someone else. It was wierd coz I started to talkin to people and had the best time of my life when I got to meet jinal n rishabh. I remember when our school had started and I didnt know jinal that well, he asked me ,"You know actually you dont look like that old Ajay now. But tell me why have you grown your hair and all this beard n all? I dont get the point actually." And I just smiled back and said ,"Yaar...you just wont understand!". Hehe, and now look at the irony.

I like the change as such coz I wasnt called the 'normal - average' guy anymore. Though I was even called a 'freak' by some people, but surprisingly it didn't feel bad at all. The invisible kid had gone by that time...and I thought I had an identity now.

Things were not all happy and gay(as in merry) but there was hope.The darkness was still there....its still is.

Otherwise I would have to change the blog title ...right??

One...

Sometimes in life all you need is a reason.

Reason.

Seems small a word, but size never determined anything! Just one reason would be enough to change things. To set things in motion. To set sail to farther seas. Just one!

I never thought I would have one. But I just was never good at estimating and predicting stuff anyways.

Things shall change and still be the same...a paradox?

I guess the topic of 'change' has been a major part of my blog. Never do i put thoughts into action is what I thought. But if that was the case then I would have been the same person I was back then. And I'm not.
Change?

Who knows when things happen and how. It does get unpredictable sometimes...but at the end of it all when the road is so clear, it is all about focus and being what you truly are.



[Phew!! Too many thoughts...so little time]

Nightmare

I had these dreams 3 nights in a row. They never made sense. Except on the third night when I had it. But still, it didn't make sense. And so it was a nightmare.
This is a disturbing post for me as I haven't edited anything here just put in what had come to head. These were disturbing ideas which I had in my head since a long time. But since now it had never spawned to such levels that I would have dream about it.
Here it is...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


...I was sweating when I woke up. And there was a man sitting on a chair next to my bed. Looking at me as if he had been waiting for me to wake up. I had never seen this man before in my life and neither did he seem familiar. But I was frightened for he watched me closely with scrutiny. And then he gave me a satisfied smile...but that scared me more.

"Wh...Who are you?" I inquired. My voice sounding different as I had just woken up. I was just about to run.

"Calm down boy. I am not going hurt you. Just stay here. I have something important to tell you." he sounded like a wise man, and had that voice of someone who knew everything.

"But who are you and what do you want?" My curiosity had taken over me.

"I am just someone. For the time being just call me 'god'. See son I don't want to waste any of yours and my time...so i'll put things directly to you, straight and explicitly. All these years that you have been living have been a part of a test. A test conducted by a leading team of professionals just to solve the mysteries of the thinking that you and your kind possess. See people around you are not what you think they are. Think of them as just actors, but highly trained ones. They had been trained to display any form of emotion be it anger,sadness,happiness,love...and all such forms of emotions. You know what I am talking about right!"

"No. I don't." I was shivering violently. I was dying...

"Think of this. You're in a play and people around you are the actors. But mind you son, you're playing the lead role!"

"How does that matter?"

"The attention is on you. Don't you see. You are given the importance. Everything around you is because of you."

"Not it's not." Still in disbelief.

"Yes it is like that boy. Everything depends on you. The way people were depended on how you would be to them. And we only had to study your reactions."

"But you're sayin that people are just pretending!! It cant be...I have felt it. If this is not reality then what is!!"

"Listen to me son. You have been a part of this project since the start. There is no absolute reality. What would you define reality as? Just electronic impulses to your brain that stimulate some of your nerves so that your sense of smell, touch, hearing and seeing is existent. "

"But everything cant be fake. It feels so real!!"

"I'm not saying it is fake. It is just perception. Reality for me might be a dreamworld for you. Thats what I mean to say...there is no absolute reality."

"But I'm living in a world where people are just pretending. How can that be!!!"

"I'm not saying it has been easy all this way. Taking care of every minute detail and driven to perfection to get the feel of reality. But we have succeeded so far, the system is working. You are still under study."

"But you cant control people. They have identities. People don't lie. This is not a dream......
or maybe 'this' is a dream. I know a lot of people from deep inside they cant be fake!! Get the hell out of my head!!"

"Calm down. All those people who you called your parents, your friends, your brothers, your sisters...all of them have a name. But they have been given roles to play here. The names that you know them by are not always their real names. They're just characters given orders to see how you react to them. Its just a test!"

"Hehe...i get this now. So you're saying that all these years what I was living was just a 'play'. Was just a test...

I gotta hand it to you sir. You have been quite meticulous and down to the details to create this fake universe.

All the people...parents, friends, enemies,the ones i love, the ones i hate,everyone...just fall into one category...'actors'. Hahaha...nothing could make more perfect sense could it.
Reality was never defined. It was just created out of boredom by someone who was to lazy to define it. So I would never know whether I'm in reality or in a dream.

All these years...
the anger, the hate, the fights, the frustrations, the will to die, the happy moments, the feeling of immense joy,the faith,the trust, the unity, the emotions, all the feelings, the feeling of love...
all just pretend.

Pretend.
Fake!!
Just a curtain before my eyes to shield from something I cant handle.
Makes sense. People have sacrificed themselves for understanding the meaning of life. And here I am...the sacrificial lamb, living a life where I mean nothing but just a 'thing' to everyone.
Everything, Everyone. Just visions. Mean nothing.
So the purpose of my existence is just to satisfy the curiosity of people.

Haha!! How ironical things can get. All these years I have felt as to not feel anything, any emotions...as they just bring more complexities in life. I thought that they were just to much to handle...so much that their existence seemed pointless. I just wanted to be free from any extreme emotions and free from the feeling of attachment. Live like a robot.
And now here I am. A paradox. When now I understand that there was nothing to run away from...just makes me pine to go back to experience all those feelings again. The beauty of everything in this world can only be fully understood on its loss. Because otherwise things are always taken for granted.

But now nothing matters. Because there is nothing to matter.
Its empty."

For all these years and all these times I always thought I felt inhuman. But this was the first time I was not human.

"Kid. You just have to face things. Come with me."

I had no will to do anything now. But there was nothing else I had to do. There was so purpose. I followed him and went to the terrace and at the edge, where he was pointing his finger down.

People. All standing there. Looking at me.
People...or may I say...actors.
All of them smiling at me. But not even one smile was able to fill the emptiness.
The smile's were real. But I didn't want to test my beliefs on reality.
There was no perception.
The people were standing there. Everyone I knew. Everyone I loved...everyone I hated.
Everyone.
People.

"So...what now??" I had no will for anything. Emptiness.

"You have two options son. First one, you stay here find out things. New things for you now. Restart your life from your current position with the people not being what you knew them as...but it will be reality for you. And you shall start a new journey and search for the purpose of your existence. The tests shall be forfeited. There shall be none of them.

Option two, you jump from here and you get back to where you were. The place which you called your 'dream'. The fake world which seemed so real for you. It's all upto you."

I had never been given an option ever in my life that would change the course of my entire existence. But looking back every decision had the same importance. Everything was important. Or was it...







...I was sweating when I woke up. And there was no one sitting on the chair next my bed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Void

I'm empty...
thats all I am feeling now.
For the past few hours I just felt like somebody sucked the living inside of me...now I donno if its the weather, the mood of the day or whatever.

I just feel as if I dont trust anyone, as if people just keep lying to me about stuff they just want me to believe. I have no idea where this has come from. But its freakin messin my mind up a lot!!

I just realized how distorted I can get... n i just want to warn people about it. I try to be sane, but I have got so many identities stuck inside me... I just never know who I really am.

I have no idea what everything means. Things are making sense but in a very non-sensical way.

Suddenly for a moment the world flashed. N here I am standing at what darkness lies ahead. I am lost. I feel hopeless. I feel discomfort.

I feel ignorant of whats happening, that's the biggest problem!!
I have no idea what I'm doin with myself.
I've not properly talked to anyone since the last few hours i guess.
I just feel as if i'm a joker, playing a jester in someone's court just dancing around meaninglessly while I have no idea about myself.

I am just a robot, who just forgot what it was programmed to do.

I just feel like goin on my terrace and shouting at the top of my voice till every neuron of energy inside me says that I dont have energy to think anymore!!!



I know one thing for sure -

This is just a temporary phase.




A phase.

Life Under A Scanner

Freedom. Is it good? Is it independence I seek?

I just don't wanna feel strings pulling me, and so I would feel less like a puupet goin on commands without any individuality.
I might be exaggerating things, I know. But I just want to express it in an extreme way so that the point gets clear on.


"We are not free. We were never free. When was the last time you did something because you and only you wanted to do it. Unaffected by the thoughts of the people around you. Slavery is still prevalant. We have just stopped recognizing it. It's a part of you now. Look at yourself. Ask Yourself. What do you really seek, and are you getting there? What is stopping you?"

I am not going with the cliche's that 'My life sucks' and 'I need more independence' but I just want to make a point that I shall have to be let go slowly so that I learn how to stand on my own two feet. It sounds rude when I put it this way coz every help n protection that I get is for the good of myself.

I am not saying I want things the hard way, maybe I m seeking to live under no-ones command and do what I really want to do.

But maybe I am not mature enough. Mature enough to resist some temptation. I hate to say this but I am at a point where I can be easily submerged into the vices of the world. I just believe that I can hold on all by myself. But then I can only judge about it once I get into that situation.

I remember a few days ago I was tempted to smoke by some people. I refused explicitly. I was so confident about myself and plus I never wanted to break the promise I had made. Yet my parents are not that confident enough. And I can understand why.

I have broken their trust once already and it has never been easy to patch back up. Every thing that I did since then had to go under their scanner of suspicion. I wont blame them actually. I would have been worse If I was in their shoes. But sometimes I just feel like a fool always accused of doing the wrong things everytime. I try and prove that I wont be a fool twice.

But that fails. Its never gonna be easy. And it is natural. I just donno how I can make them trust again for what my intentions are for any action that I undertake.

And being falsely accused is the worst feeling I would never be able to swallow. I gasp for air at such times. But I am to blame too, though not fully, but I got myself into this mess.

Anyways...

Everything happens for a reason.

Pause

You know there are these times in life when you just want to freeze time...squeeze everythin out of a second so that you could just feel it to go on longer. Just to cherish that moment.

A feeling when you get when you dont know whatever that is happening around you...
And strangely you dont even care.

A freeze frame... and thats how its goes. No matter all that you thought you had suffered it all just does not matter coz you just dont tend to remember whatever that happened even a few minutes ago.

Just live for that moment.
Pause.
(Damn! there's no rewind :P.)

She was there...
what more could I say.


Awesome!!! :D

Exile

I dont know things.
I am no-one....
I am nothing...
I am nowhere.

Voices inside my head. They scream for a place just to be heard.I want to exile myself, for all the mistakes I have made. I'm not saying I want to be the perfect thing...but maybe I might
just dream of being that way.
There is no pressure on me as such...I pressurize myself. I just try n push. But there seems no response.

Exile.
Is this the only answer I have. Why do I always want to run away.
I hate attachments sometimes...they just pull you down.
I guess 'hate' is the harshest term i could use for now. I am just grumpy.
I donno wanna cry for all all that attachment. Just dont want to feel stupid. Am just afraid of responsibilities... I just dont want that. I just dont wanna go wrong somewhere.Just am plainly scared of makin mistakes however valuable a 'mistake' is in learnin stuff.

Just am scared with the question 'What if...?' that loops on and on in my mind.
A distortion of my own thoughts is what I am.
I cant seem to find space now.
I dont wanna suffocate my own self.
'There is no pressure.'
Or do I just keep sayin that to make me feel better.


Exile.
I wanna run away and open up my mind.
Expand my thoughts which are currently limited between four walls of a thought process
that are affected by outside elements. By people. Everywhere, Everything.

I wanna be alone.
I hate sayin this coz I know that I might not even be able to survive one moment without some people.
I just satisfy my inner self to say that there is a remote possibility that things would get all happy n merry n gay ...then there would be the 'happily ever after...' ending.


Sounds cute. But life doesnt function like a 'fairy tale' does it.
That is the reason why we have fairy tales isnt it. So that we can escape into another world of fantasy and live virtually as if there is no absolute reality.
Think.
Nothing is absolute is it...
Nothing is forever.

It hurts me to say this... hehe...nothing is forever. How I want everything to last.But things just fade away into oblivion ...and at that I might be standing there wondering.
Thinking about what ould have been the prefect 'Goodbye' which would have made me feel a lot better.
But there is a reason why things are not there forever, just to make us treasure every moment thinkin that this might be the last.
It just makes everything more precious doesnt it.
Nobody wants to take thins for granted.

Think.
I cant control my thoughts can I.
I am not an austere saint am I??
Hehe...am far from that. I just wanna live.
I am not saying I wanna live happily ever after...coz I think that just completely sucks.
Happiness isnt eveything...sadness is inevitable.
And If I dont know the importance of sadness then that would make just more and more unable to feel hapiness.
Every light casts a dark shadow doesnt it.
Its all together, co-existing.
The universe wasnt sewn from a single thread to create a fabric of space and time that would
go on till infinty.
It is co-existence.
There is always an option.
There is always a reason.
There always is an individuality.

Exile.
Hmmmmmmmmm....
do I really wanna go??
I would call it temporary death.
I'm an escapist aint I.
Deja vu.
But then being practical can have more importance...thinking things not as they are just goin on and take everything for granted.
I just know I am just making up reasons to run away from responsibilities. Silly pretexts.
When all I have to do is to just stand there, prepare and face it.
FACE whatever come's my way.
That's it.
Sounds easy doesnt it.
Well...it is actually. There is nothing to it.
The trick is just not to get thoughts muddled up and leave the path of action.
Leave coz you have a reason to complain about the system and why the conditions dont suit you.
Thats the thing I guess...I always complain about things not being the way they are.
Life is about adapting and change sometimes.
I just dont wanna go n know the mystery to life and spoil the fun here.

Why dont I just go out and discover things myself...

I guess thats what life is about...isnt it??
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Phew!! That was how thoughts flow in my head.Am tired now...anybody care for a snack n beverage??

Excerpt from the Diary...

Was just browsing through my ol' diary which was aptly titled 'Diary of a Madman' in its front pages. It feels awesome to read some of this old stuff which I thought I had forgotten, and there are some pages that embarrass me so much that I just feel like tearin off those pages...but memories shall be memories. You can't erase them.
This is one of the days that I just came to browse upon in my diary.

Warning: I even used to write utter crap 2 years ago. If you have read my blog then you are already immune to the crappiness.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

25th May 2005

Hey boss, here we go, 3 2 1...

->Its funny how u make promises of commitment. The sad part comes when you've not acheived half of what you should have done. Promises may be easy to make, but it takes the crap out of you to maintain it. The reality of life is quite bitter to what your dreams you build yourselfare.You always dream of heaven, the the stairway to heaven is much harder than the escalator to hell.

And what for all the lazy people like me could do more, than sit and float towards the place where the devils waiting with his trident. Everyday I make a promise to myself, 99% of them are fake and inneffective, the rest is govt. tax (whatever!!). I make a promise that the moment I get up the next day, i'll be good as new, a changed person. Who would start taking in knowledge untill his brain explodes. Theresult - I wake up next day dreary eyed...finding something to spend time with, other thatn watt is actually my objective.

Coming back from the

Philosophical Blabberrer...

I dont have tutions for Chem and physics (which apparently makes people's eye pop-out!!). The reaction I usually get is "ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR MIND??" I wish my anwer was not "YES". Unofrtunately it is. My determination or commitment is not gainin an inch to what must have gained 3 feet by now. [ I'm stuck in a boat, because the anchor is laid but i'm too lazy to pull back tha anchor, so I cant ride with the breeze. And at that time the other boats have gone far far ahead of me. Though I dont want this to happen, this is watt I am. I sit, I rot!]

But everybody has great expectations from me. They think I work.

I Ajay, Hereby pronounce myself

THE LAZIEST MAN ON THE PLANET

Guess I dont get a medal for that. And meanwhile jinal crawls into IIT. I, Ajay, Master of Dust-mites and flies, (crap)...sit and rot.

Hail to the master...Let's Shit on him.

[Whatever that means!!!]

Sleepy now.

Signing off.

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N that was what I was.

FIN

On and on...

There was nuthin soo interestin goin on in the day.
Just was thinkin of song to make it sound interestin...
i need a riff to sing this! :D
Here it goes...


-----------


Thoughts rush
sky parts
sun rises
rays like darts.

Eyes open
mind shut
deep in the hollow
rumble of the bus.

Destination
Unwanted.
Rather land up
somewhere else.

The sun's a top
mind still stopped.
Slavery remains
of the mind n all.

Automatic moves
of the brain n hands.
Jotting down stuff
later to cram???

Flow with the system
or be a rebel...
I guess i'm too sleepy
that's my only level.

Time flies
though awfully slow.
They call them 'lectures'
and I say - 'what ho!'

Waitin for the hand
to reach the 6.
To run away...
to feel the bliss.

Sitting in the
humming bus again i talk.
Talk with the damsel
so the knight never stops.(beep beep! call on hold!)

Rusted and worn out
I reach my abode.
I gorge on my food
and now starts my road...

-----------

The time table fable....

Just had my first day at college as a second year student.
The day started off badly when I saw the time table n
found out that saturdays were full days n that we had two
labs.

"Two Labs!!!"I exclaimed. They gotta be kiddin me.

I was thoroughly sad with the thought of wasting my
saturday by sitting in college lookin outside the window
while the rest of the world was goin out n havin fun and
sayin..."There somewhere he might be sinkin in between
huge volumes of books."

Hmmmph...sigh! I sat there sulkin in the Lab. But then I
thought it wasnt right. I had to do something I cant just
sit there n sulk and expect it to go away. I had to be
prepared. I wasnt, but now i have to. I think I got a bit
motivated and inspired by some of Dagny's ideals and her
positivity...she constantly hepled my mood a lott
throughout the day.

I was all merry n energetic again. Though at some times
then I passed the corridor again n saw the time table
staring back at me I sulked again. But I guess now i'll
have to learn to take things as a challenge rather than
make attempts to weasel out.

Most of my hours in college are spent in sulkin abt the
people around me n 'how the hell did I land up here?'. But
now I guess I'll have to extract whatever advantages I've
got with me bein here.

ADAPTING. Here's that word again. (Taken from the previous 'college' post!)

Well....life goes on. I'll live.

Had a tiring day, but its ok. I just feel like i've worked.

Overall Mood : Happy!

(Am gettin better at playin Megadeth-Holy wars... someday i might be able to play it on stage!! That would be cool!)

A Reason

Something I wrote a few days back. Felt as If things were changing and going into a more pleasant phase! Seems they are...or are they, duh duh duhhhhh!!
-----------------------

I lay asleep
Ignorant of the world around me
too unique to blend
never camouflaged in the society.

Of all the times I have been through
doesnt life ever have a lesson
so teach me what it beholds
or shall I just softly glide away.

I'm impatient
I'm weak
Nothings clear
it's all too bleak.

There is darkness that surrounds me
I might collapse
But I still learn to hold on
hold on till my last.

All that has faded away
the darkness has passed
I'm entering a new world
but dont want to go in fast.

All I wanted was a reason
a reason to live my life
and I wont say I got what I wanted
but what I needed to stay alive...

Restart

Click...
thugh thugh. Chink. Whirrrrrrr....

And it has started again. The schizo is walkin n talkin again.

Through all these days startin from a rocky journey to some of the best experience have missed all of it out here.

Shall reignite the flames....so that the pheniox will rise from it! :D

No idea what that meant actually!!

Inspired by Dagny i shall try to start writin regular now.

So... corpse and robbers 2 is on the way, till then bear the other posts please!
------
FIN
------

Corpse And Robbers

CHAPTER 1.

Its was evening. Me and Ecks checked into a hotel...a bloody cheap one( As our monetary holdings were just a notch above 'broke'!!). We sat in the lounge area that night as the mice were busy playin soccer in our room. I tried to switch the T.V on, but the only thing that happened was that the switch popped out in spring action.
"Hehe! Careful mate. You just might have launched some torpedo with that." Ecks pointed out smiling at me.

But somewhere near the south china sea, people were far from happy...as they just got signals of an incoming torpedo.

I was browsing through the video tapes the hotel had. Most of them being cheap low budget movie tapes and a few episodes of 'Planets funniest animals'. But one tape that caught my attention had no label on it. Curiosity bubbled in me like a bowl of conc. sulphuric acid.

I put the tape in the VCR only to find that the T.V. wasnt working. My curiosity to find out what the tape was all about had taken over. I did what every T.V. repairer in my place would have done. I started banging the T.V. with my fists alternately from the right and left till some cathode ray emissions started. Suddenly light came on to the screen, and I was successful.

I was going to express my joy to Ecks, but he had gone...mostly to his room...he was sleepy anyways.

I turned the VCR on...and next of what the visual hit me on the cornea of my eye had shocked me. My curiosity went all down the drain watching a series of 'disturbing and shocking' images. I couldnt switch the VCR off...there was some force refraining me to not stop what I saw.90 mins later, I was staring in front of a black screen.
"Whatever it was , it was horrific. Why did I even watch it??" I thought as my mind was preforming triple summersaults in my head.
I suddenly found myself guilty for watching it. I shouldnt have. It was the feeling that pandora had when she opened the box...only of less magnitude(hehe! dumb pandora!).

I took a deep breath, when my phone suddenly began ringing.

Who can it be?? This was my new number!! Nobody except Ecks know about it...and the caller was not Ecks.

I slowly pressed the 'call' button and listened.
"Seven Days!!" came a suppressed voice from the other side.
My heart jumped. I was almost squeeling.
"Who's this?? And what seven days??" I inquired.

Suddenly voice turned normal, normal being that of an old man trying to sound young.
"Oh sorry! I was just telling my secretary that its been seven days since my pants have not returned from the dry cleaners!! Damn those bastards."

"But who the hell are you??"

"Oh! Me. Well I am Mr.D.A. U may call me Mr.D.A. I just came to know you just saw my movie. So....how was it??"

"It was horrible.Unbearable. I dont even know why I watched it."

"Whoa! thats the mildest criticism I have had from my viewers. You being the second....ahem....i being the first. Even the actors dont wanna watch it. Hehe."

"Actors?? what actors?? all I saw were lifeless props hanging around...their emotional expressions make Arnold Schwarzenneger in terminator look like hamlet!!! Why the human torture I ask?? Why the brutality??"

"Ummm...just watch it with a mental squint and you shall see clearly."

"But how the hell did you know I saw ur movie...n how did you get this number?"

"Believe me son, if you were in my shoes you would label that question as a 'dumb' one. Lets just say deperate times call for desperate measures..."

"Ohhhhk whatever. But this is still spooky!!"

"I have to meet you in private, we have to clear all these matters. Reach candela square, the one near the hanuman mandir sharp at 11.27 AM and ask a long hair guy at the bus stand for a match and we shall meet."

(Note to myself: There is always a hanuman mandir as a standard reference to any location in the country.)

"Whoa! what's all this secret agent stuff for?"

"We dont want to attract attention do we?"

"Depends on whether -"

The phone gets cut. The beeping sound of the engaged tone seems odd in a way. Who was the caller? And why the hell does he want to meet me. Its a conspiracy.

Next morning I spill it all out to Ecks. While Ecks keeps his usual cool and laughs it all up.
"You sure you had a good night's sleep yesterday?? At least I didnt." Ecks laughed.

"Yeah I did sleep! And whats this about you not havin sleep...your snore vibrations just caused a major earthquake in San Diego. Might have been somewhere around 130 decibels."

"Yeah! yeah. whatever. Well get out of your rotten dream...we have stuff to do."

"Wait its 11. I have to meet that guy, its all too mysterious Ecks. I guess you wont comprehend. Buh bye now, alrighty then!"

Somwhere in San diego people had been engulfed in fear with the trauma of another earthquake. Ecks had no idea about the 'butterfly effect'.



Saying this I stormed out of the room, leaving Ecks with a did-my-wife-just-divorce-me look.

Hopefully Candela Square was quite near to our hotel.As soon as I reached the place I started lookin for a so called 'long hair' guy. The problem was there were two 'long haired' men. I searched for where Mr.D.A might be... and my eye caught a BMW sedan inconspicously parked in a dark corner.

11.25 AM.The problem of the 'long haired' men still loomed. I went to the guy nearer to me and asked him in a whispering tone.
"I need a match please."

The guy gave me a reproachful look, thought for a while and replied,
"Eh?"

Strike one. I was wrong. Went to the other one.Did the same. Emptying his pockets he found a pack and started waving it in the air.

The signal had been given. But it triggered the ignition of an even more unthinkable car.

A 'Padmini Premier' smoked its way upto the bus stand, and let out a blaring horn. I stood there shocked as the bucket of bolts seemed like it was about to explode any second. I let out a muffled cry as it approached me. And the person driving the vehicle was seen...but the guy had concealed his face inside a scarf and a pair of goggles.
And the driver yelled, "Quick, get in."

I stood there. Thought for about 10 minutes calculating the various possibilities of what was about to happen, most of the calculations being how embarrassed i was to become sitting inside the 'junkyard wonder'.

Finally I took a deep breath and sat inside.
The driver gave a piercing gaze through his goggles and finally put his hand forward,
"Hello, I am Mr.D.A.!!"

Facsimilie of a Fake Smile

You know that feeling...when inside you're wrenchin in agony n torment and then you meet someone at that time...and you give that 'friendly' smile.

The smile...that you conjure up by streching each and every muscle of your face. The body and mind resist its automation...yet you sweat it to give that smile, so that the person in front of you returns the same as a sign of cordiallity. And the moments gone...you're back again to reality.

SLAM! Face first. The sinking feeling.

Maybe I should have replaced all the 'you's' with 'I's'. What the hell anyways!!!

Its this fake smile that I hate. One that you get when you're goin to a hotel n the waiter gives you one...while deep inside he's still thinkin if his wife will give him a second chance again or not??!!.

But this is something that I have been trained to do since all these years...though it does not work all the times. I consider it an art in a way. Its the degree of smile that u give, n there should be a ranking for them -
something like -
(in ascending order)

1.The painful you're getting worse smile
2.Something seems to be troubling you smile
3.Hi things are normal smile
4.Jolly Good day smile
5.You're creepin people out smile

I usually rank a 3 or a 5, though I admit rank 2 comes in the way a lott.

Sigh! masking happiness is a tiring job.
I repeat its an art!!!

[Been a long time since a post...feels good to be back again!!]