...obeying the voices in my head...

Monday, August 25, 2008


Just a small thought.

So, how do we understand or Learn a new idea. Basically, we have a set of fundamental ideas installed in our mind since the beginning of our learning process. The most basic I can think right now is numbers and alphabets and visual aids used for understanding, there is a deeper level of logic and reasoning that I shall no think about right now in order to not clutter up my neural connections!

So everything dissolves down to or is built from our basic predefined notions that are introduced to us through our learning. As we are exposed to a new concept or an idea, we would join two or more of our fundamentals in maybe a 'complex'(not necessarily) manner to form a new pattern of understanding. So as we are taught derived units are taken from a set of fundamental units!

So, what happens for example, when one of the fundamental concept is unknown to us. Taking things in an algorithmic sense there would be a decision :
1. Go back and build the fundamental
2. Derive the fundamental from its derived learning(if known)...which is kinda a paradox since we're going the other way around.

Now, option 1 is the most reliable choice, but option 2 is usually a choice in order to save time. Now option 2 is risky, because it is the equivalent of 'assuming' a fundamental concept. But somehow it might be a new view point to look at something. And so after established our derived fundamental we would question its validity. Now this is the part which puts the 'fun' in fundamental...it mostly will lead to the actual fundamental or be somewhat close to it...or be an interesting but awkward theory which would probably sound like something out of a comic book.

But it would be a process that might lead to new concepts or a discovery. Now as we see in history, thats how fundamentals are based. By observing a complex derived thing, breaking it down to fundamentals...and giving a cool name or probably your own name to a theory that you can explain!!

Reverse engineering?? hmmmm??

But still that doesn't make option 1 obsolete in any way, its a classic right? And that's what my friend Jinal would be thinking...since he uses a awkward amalgamation of options 1 and 2 which a lot of people may be at a loss for comprehension!

Now reading this a time after reading it, it looks like a bunch or rand words...much like William Burroughs Cut up technique[link].

This post is dedicated to the "Concept-Man" and todays Birthday Boy and a best friend, Jinal!!

Saturday, August 16, 2008


The whole theme and a few posts of my blog play around the reference of insanity/madness. But today was something that scared my soul out of me. I had not slept yesterday night since I was out with my friends, so as I reach home I promptly drop off on the bed. Now its a normal observation that when people are woken up from deep sleep just for some small reason the person tends to get pissed. Losing precious sleep, thats a loss. Yes, it has occurred to me time to time...but not at this magnitude. Today something was different.

I was asleep and mom was there telling me something, though I don't remember it clearly it was something about her having some work to do that my require my help. Now I was mumbling some incoherent stuff as any person in my state of sleep would. Mom kept poking me for a while and was angry that I wasn't even giving a slight response.

She then said," You're face looks like one of those drug addicts." . Somehow this I heard clearly. And it triggered something in me. I wasnt awake when all this happened coz I was really tired. But what I did was I could recall really well. I stood up all of a sudden and started shouting, "Me! I'm a drug addict!" , my voice was so shrill it sounded as if it was coming from somewhere else. My body was out control. Having weird and acute spasms as my hands and legs started writhing in awkward positions. I couldn't stand and I fell on to the bed.

At that time I had the weirdest feeling, as if I fell into a cobweb. I felt it stick all over me. I violently tried to remove it. I could see there was nothing there, still my skin felt something sticking. I was crying helplessly. I couldnt make sense. I couldnt see properly cause half my brain was still asleep. My Mom watched in horror and tried to get hold of my hand. I was still having those spasms.

Then Mom's hand came. Mom, my angel. She held me close and pampered me as If I was a small child. I was still sobbing. Mom gave me that me that one warm embrace which suddenly freed me off all the insanity. I came to my senses.

What was I doing!! What has happened to me!!

I cried," Please help me! I don't know whats happening. Please!" . Mom just held me closer. I didn't need words. I was freed. The darkness was gone. My Mom, how I love my Mom.

She put me back to bed. Put a thin blanket on me and caressed my hair. I slept like a baby.

I woke up a while later all of a sudden, figuring if it was a dream or real. When do we actually know its a dream? I then touched my face and felt dried tears. It was real. I couldn't believe it was me. It seemed like I was possessed. This is one of those things I wish I could forget, but there's no point in that. When things come up against the best would be to face it, so that when similar things come in the future you would be prepared with the previous experience.

This time I wont question my sanity. Because I am scared. Are my doubts the one who gave birth to it. I would not want to know now. For now I am me. And right now, it barely seems like a silly statement...its the most important thing!

My Mom's leaving for Lucknow tomorrow. Just for two days. But I feel like me when I was 8 years old. Mom away from the house meant Mom wasn't gonna be there around may it be for 2 days. I want her to be here. Oh by the way, I'm 19 now. And still feel like a small kid. For I donno if this is the part of being an adult, or if this should be a part of anything at all!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Was I dreaming?

'But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.

'Oh, you can't help that,' said the cat : 'We're all mad here.
I'm mad. You're mad.'

'How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.

'You must be,' said the cat ,'Or you wouldn't have come here.'

-Lewis Carrol
'Alice's Adventures In Wonderland'

Sunday, August 03, 2008


It was friendship day.

It was a really really lonely day!

A secret

Everyone has secrets.

I would like to state the fact that its a funny world we live in, but the word 'funny' just seems askew. Even to the person who you could maybe share all the stuff that you have inside of you, all of your secrets...there maybe be this one single deep dark thing that you just might not want to say...or maybe you don't say it because you dont know it. This one thing, hidden in the labyrinth of thoughts. Its sometimes not lack of trust or the expected reaction that might scare from revealing this dark secret, its just the revealing. Although trust does play its major role in this, there are times when its not a factor.

And there are those secrets which are made not meant to be a secret. There is no 'method' of differentiating this, maybe its instinct. Like the ones you keep a secret so that you can let it out later and connect. In any relation(well most of them) sharing secrets is the most vital part in connecting and knowing the other person. Because you're getting access to information which very few or no one else has been granted.

There are so many things we have to say when we talk. We sometimes do run dry on conversations. Does a secret help? Well that barely matters.

There's always this thing that you might never want to say, a part you never wanted to open up...a part for yourself maybe. A secret is such that what connects people so instantly, but on the other hand it might play as the most caustic solvent in breaking things. Sharing it is sharing a part of you. But sometimes its not always about sharing, its understanding the difference for that person of what is to be shared and whats not.
Respecting secrecy. A tough thing to do, really really tough.
But willing to go through all that mind power to kill that curiosity to find out that secret(by any means).
Thats friendship i guess. :)

Happy Friendship day!