...obeying the voices in my head...

Sunday, March 05, 2006

The Dark Harvest

The Black Moon rose,
Reflecting the life that I chose.
A chill in the air shows signs of a storm,
This bitter cold would never cease.
I grope through the darkness
to find the shattered peices,
But all my attempts end in vain,
All this suffering and this pain.
All the anger bottled up inside
Waiting to erupt on a harmless victim,
It's not that I chose to live this life,
It's this life that chose me.
No, I ran out of clues,
to this bitter search for happiness,
and satisfy my soul
with this weak smile that's stuck on my face.
All the anguish and all the fear,
I wish all of it would dissapear.
So I could see again this world of misery,
And laugh at the pity of mankind.
Nobody knows their limitations.
But my limitation is the only thing I have.
Stuck in this everlasting darkness,
I grope back for my sigth.
God, it's not your fault,
It must be mine.
Because all the facts of truth is what I can't deny.
And all that you have given me is what -
I cannot find.

Friday, March 03, 2006

My Credits To Dementia

I am not livin' upto what I'm supposed to. Why? That's coz I'm lazy. I just feel so pressured to live up to a tag that has been imprinted on me because of whom I'm related to. I sometimes feel like the black sheep of my family, and this thougth makes me so depressed that i look for new possibilities to channel my mental pain. Fortunately I have not took to drugs, smokin' or alcohol even if i know i can attain them. I feel to guilty to even think about them. The thing is rock music has helped me channel this pain, and has worked in a lot of ways and even in the most depressing times. But sometimes too much of it has caused me somewhat of a self-depression - a depression due to nothing. I just create these depressions coz' i enjoy them. And this is all subconscious, which i only realize later on.

I have been having fits and shocks lately. I donno why? I just think that i'm pretending, but i can't stop it. And who the hell am i pretending for? I donno. My body just keeps on goin tense sometimes to such extents that i cant even move a muscle. This goes on for two to ten minutes till then i barely can move my finger. I still see myself all numb yet feeling life in me.

Am i goin' mental???


On second thougth..... well its rubbish. I just am so lucky to be here in this world why the hell would I go mental. These fits n all are just my own creation - the sad part is I donno why I created it...

AM I Autistic???

I guess that's why it's called - Diary of a Schizo...