...obeying the voices in my head...

Tuesday, August 28, 2007


Sometimes in life all you need is a reason.


Seems small a word, but size never determined anything! Just one reason would be enough to change things. To set things in motion. To set sail to farther seas. Just one!

I never thought I would have one. But I just was never good at estimating and predicting stuff anyways.

Things shall change and still be the same...a paradox?

I guess the topic of 'change' has been a major part of my blog. Never do i put thoughts into action is what I thought. But if that was the case then I would have been the same person I was back then. And I'm not.

Who knows when things happen and how. It does get unpredictable sometimes...but at the end of it all when the road is so clear, it is all about focus and being what you truly are.

[Phew!! Too many thoughts...so little time]

Sunday, August 19, 2007


I had these dreams 3 nights in a row. They never made sense. Except on the third night when I had it. But still, it didn't make sense. And so it was a nightmare.
This is a disturbing post for me as I haven't edited anything here just put in what had come to head. These were disturbing ideas which I had in my head since a long time. But since now it had never spawned to such levels that I would have dream about it.
Here it is...

...I was sweating when I woke up. And there was a man sitting on a chair next to my bed. Looking at me as if he had been waiting for me to wake up. I had never seen this man before in my life and neither did he seem familiar. But I was frightened for he watched me closely with scrutiny. And then he gave me a satisfied smile...but that scared me more.

"Wh...Who are you?" I inquired. My voice sounding different as I had just woken up. I was just about to run.

"Calm down boy. I am not going hurt you. Just stay here. I have something important to tell you." he sounded like a wise man, and had that voice of someone who knew everything.

"But who are you and what do you want?" My curiosity had taken over me.

"I am just someone. For the time being just call me 'god'. See son I don't want to waste any of yours and my time...so i'll put things directly to you, straight and explicitly. All these years that you have been living have been a part of a test. A test conducted by a leading team of professionals just to solve the mysteries of the thinking that you and your kind possess. See people around you are not what you think they are. Think of them as just actors, but highly trained ones. They had been trained to display any form of emotion be it anger,sadness,happiness,love...and all such forms of emotions. You know what I am talking about right!"

"No. I don't." I was shivering violently. I was dying...

"Think of this. You're in a play and people around you are the actors. But mind you son, you're playing the lead role!"

"How does that matter?"

"The attention is on you. Don't you see. You are given the importance. Everything around you is because of you."

"Not it's not." Still in disbelief.

"Yes it is like that boy. Everything depends on you. The way people were depended on how you would be to them. And we only had to study your reactions."

"But you're sayin that people are just pretending!! It cant be...I have felt it. If this is not reality then what is!!"

"Listen to me son. You have been a part of this project since the start. There is no absolute reality. What would you define reality as? Just electronic impulses to your brain that stimulate some of your nerves so that your sense of smell, touch, hearing and seeing is existent. "

"But everything cant be fake. It feels so real!!"

"I'm not saying it is fake. It is just perception. Reality for me might be a dreamworld for you. Thats what I mean to say...there is no absolute reality."

"But I'm living in a world where people are just pretending. How can that be!!!"

"I'm not saying it has been easy all this way. Taking care of every minute detail and driven to perfection to get the feel of reality. But we have succeeded so far, the system is working. You are still under study."

"But you cant control people. They have identities. People don't lie. This is not a dream......
or maybe 'this' is a dream. I know a lot of people from deep inside they cant be fake!! Get the hell out of my head!!"

"Calm down. All those people who you called your parents, your friends, your brothers, your sisters...all of them have a name. But they have been given roles to play here. The names that you know them by are not always their real names. They're just characters given orders to see how you react to them. Its just a test!"

"Hehe...i get this now. So you're saying that all these years what I was living was just a 'play'. Was just a test...

I gotta hand it to you sir. You have been quite meticulous and down to the details to create this fake universe.

All the people...parents, friends, enemies,the ones i love, the ones i hate,everyone...just fall into one category...'actors'. Hahaha...nothing could make more perfect sense could it.
Reality was never defined. It was just created out of boredom by someone who was to lazy to define it. So I would never know whether I'm in reality or in a dream.

All these years...
the anger, the hate, the fights, the frustrations, the will to die, the happy moments, the feeling of immense joy,the faith,the trust, the unity, the emotions, all the feelings, the feeling of love...
all just pretend.

Just a curtain before my eyes to shield from something I cant handle.
Makes sense. People have sacrificed themselves for understanding the meaning of life. And here I am...the sacrificial lamb, living a life where I mean nothing but just a 'thing' to everyone.
Everything, Everyone. Just visions. Mean nothing.
So the purpose of my existence is just to satisfy the curiosity of people.

Haha!! How ironical things can get. All these years I have felt as to not feel anything, any emotions...as they just bring more complexities in life. I thought that they were just to much to handle...so much that their existence seemed pointless. I just wanted to be free from any extreme emotions and free from the feeling of attachment. Live like a robot.
And now here I am. A paradox. When now I understand that there was nothing to run away from...just makes me pine to go back to experience all those feelings again. The beauty of everything in this world can only be fully understood on its loss. Because otherwise things are always taken for granted.

But now nothing matters. Because there is nothing to matter.
Its empty."

For all these years and all these times I always thought I felt inhuman. But this was the first time I was not human.

"Kid. You just have to face things. Come with me."

I had no will to do anything now. But there was nothing else I had to do. There was so purpose. I followed him and went to the terrace and at the edge, where he was pointing his finger down.

People. All standing there. Looking at me.
People...or may I say...actors.
All of them smiling at me. But not even one smile was able to fill the emptiness.
The smile's were real. But I didn't want to test my beliefs on reality.
There was no perception.
The people were standing there. Everyone I knew. Everyone I loved...everyone I hated.

"So...what now??" I had no will for anything. Emptiness.

"You have two options son. First one, you stay here find out things. New things for you now. Restart your life from your current position with the people not being what you knew them as...but it will be reality for you. And you shall start a new journey and search for the purpose of your existence. The tests shall be forfeited. There shall be none of them.

Option two, you jump from here and you get back to where you were. The place which you called your 'dream'. The fake world which seemed so real for you. It's all upto you."

I had never been given an option ever in my life that would change the course of my entire existence. But looking back every decision had the same importance. Everything was important. Or was it...

...I was sweating when I woke up. And there was no one sitting on the chair next my bed.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007


I'm empty...
thats all I am feeling now.
For the past few hours I just felt like somebody sucked the living inside of me...now I donno if its the weather, the mood of the day or whatever.

I just feel as if I dont trust anyone, as if people just keep lying to me about stuff they just want me to believe. I have no idea where this has come from. But its freakin messin my mind up a lot!!

I just realized how distorted I can get... n i just want to warn people about it. I try to be sane, but I have got so many identities stuck inside me... I just never know who I really am.

I have no idea what everything means. Things are making sense but in a very non-sensical way.

Suddenly for a moment the world flashed. N here I am standing at what darkness lies ahead. I am lost. I feel hopeless. I feel discomfort.

I feel ignorant of whats happening, that's the biggest problem!!
I have no idea what I'm doin with myself.
I've not properly talked to anyone since the last few hours i guess.
I just feel as if i'm a joker, playing a jester in someone's court just dancing around meaninglessly while I have no idea about myself.

I am just a robot, who just forgot what it was programmed to do.

I just feel like goin on my terrace and shouting at the top of my voice till every neuron of energy inside me says that I dont have energy to think anymore!!!

I know one thing for sure -

This is just a temporary phase.

A phase.