...obeying the voices in my head...

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Life Under A Scanner

Freedom. Is it good? Is it independence I seek?

I just don't wanna feel strings pulling me, and so I would feel less like a puupet goin on commands without any individuality.
I might be exaggerating things, I know. But I just want to express it in an extreme way so that the point gets clear on.

"We are not free. We were never free. When was the last time you did something because you and only you wanted to do it. Unaffected by the thoughts of the people around you. Slavery is still prevalant. We have just stopped recognizing it. It's a part of you now. Look at yourself. Ask Yourself. What do you really seek, and are you getting there? What is stopping you?"

I am not going with the cliche's that 'My life sucks' and 'I need more independence' but I just want to make a point that I shall have to be let go slowly so that I learn how to stand on my own two feet. It sounds rude when I put it this way coz every help n protection that I get is for the good of myself.

I am not saying I want things the hard way, maybe I m seeking to live under no-ones command and do what I really want to do.

But maybe I am not mature enough. Mature enough to resist some temptation. I hate to say this but I am at a point where I can be easily submerged into the vices of the world. I just believe that I can hold on all by myself. But then I can only judge about it once I get into that situation.

I remember a few days ago I was tempted to smoke by some people. I refused explicitly. I was so confident about myself and plus I never wanted to break the promise I had made. Yet my parents are not that confident enough. And I can understand why.

I have broken their trust once already and it has never been easy to patch back up. Every thing that I did since then had to go under their scanner of suspicion. I wont blame them actually. I would have been worse If I was in their shoes. But sometimes I just feel like a fool always accused of doing the wrong things everytime. I try and prove that I wont be a fool twice.

But that fails. Its never gonna be easy. And it is natural. I just donno how I can make them trust again for what my intentions are for any action that I undertake.

And being falsely accused is the worst feeling I would never be able to swallow. I gasp for air at such times. But I am to blame too, though not fully, but I got myself into this mess.


Everything happens for a reason.


Dagny said...

Let your mind fall free, and all that u seek shall come to you, of its own free will