...obeying the voices in my head...

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Jaago Grahak...Jaago

Yaaay! Elections are over.
Yaaay! We Have a new UPA government.
Yaaay! Manmohan got new glasses. No he didn't. Just takin the excitement a notch higher.
Yaaay! Rahul Gandhi...something about youth...blah blah.


For those who consciously bared witness the ushering in of the fresh new UPA (or is it?) government without the usual love-hate "allies" latching on, it might indeed be good news for India.
We have no Laloo in the Union cabinet. 
Mayawati's not the PM. (like you were gonna! HA!)
CPM made a mark through its campaigns similar to what Bhojpuri movies make in hollywood.
Congress in Uttar Pradesh(!!!) because of Rahul Gandhi's strategic(/purely accidental) tactics.
BJP with the same fate as Virender Sehwags hair. (BALD PATCH AHEAD, buy new caps ASAP)
Blah blah...I can go on about the aftermath.

But the thing is people praising about Manmohan's Singhs greatness. Making him sound like a Superman who eat's Kryptonite for breakfast. "The most responsible, calm, intelligent..." and what not cliches used to describe his victory. Ok yeah! We get it...you won. But lets not go overboard with it. 
You've seen the visuals on TV. You be the judge. I mean look at the man! He looks like a senile lost rabbit who just forgot where he put his carrots. And you surely know who has all the carrots right?

Lemme give you some visual aid.
(Also, lets play a game here.)



"I have THIS huge a box of carrots for you Manny! THIS HUGE!"

First of all, If you think I took the first photo and flipped it horizontally and changed the hue-saturation levels...you are certainly thinking what I thought in the first place. But sadly thats not the case!

Before you scream, "Thats a bloody Carbon Copy!"...may I interject by pointing out that these are taken from the times of India, two separate issues. So next morning you wake up and see the same thing maybe flipped vertically, don't act surprised you might see a lot of similar photos through these days at different angles.

Coming back to the content...look at the guy. Do you even remotely think he's taking his own decisions. I bet even when he wants to go to the loo he might ask Sonia Gandhi, "Ma'am! May I go to the bathroom!".
I can give you more photographic proof but that might make me look really desperate about this whole thing and plus i guess these two are good enough to make a point.

Oh and yeah! Also the tale of the brave knight Rahul Gandhi himself. Now since the guys at Times are as jobless as me they asked celebs on what they would expect on a date with Rahul Gandhi...
(how do these guys know what we want in the papers man...i bet they have a mind reading device!).

I wont jot down the whole thing, but here are a few quotes:

Sonam Kapoor : "If I do get the chance to date him, I would spend the time applauding his courage in trying to lead our country..."

My View : This is a clear indication that Sonam Kapoor know squat about dating. Imagine you doing that on your date. Your guy/gal walks in and you start applauding like a maniac who lost his/her freaking mind, your date covers and rolls to the nearest exit. Thanks Sonam!

Shveta Salve : "He is half-Italian and half-Indian. So even the date turns out to be as cheesy as a lasagne, I’m sure he will have the tadka of a dal fry to spice it up! "

My View : Off all the sex euphemisms you could use, WHY THIS! Why?? Although few brownie points for thinking that up. I'm seriously getting some screwed up visions about this one.

Mugdha Godse : "On a date with Rahul Gandhi, I would expect my political knowledge would get an update..."

My View : Is that why you date people?? My Goodness! Get a book!

You can find the other blabberings here : 

So since the elections are over now, should it be 'So jaao India' ?
Just Speculating!

Monday, May 18, 2009

I Pee L

Disclaimer : This post was not a premeditated one. So in case of any factual errors or disappointing/disagreeing opinions, please feel free to crap on the comments box!

Now the gentleman's game or 'cricket' as we call it has been in existence since the 16th century. So you can visualize a group of English going out on a huge field trip and an exuberant gentleman remarking,"Ah! Blimey Sir, but we've colonized so much till now. How shall we make use of this lovely ground?...May I say, a recreational activity where you can bask in the glory of the sun all day while some bloke throws a ball to another bloke at the other end trying to save himself with a piece of wood?"
And the reply was,"Jolly good! Right Ho! Splendid! Now the name of the game shall be whatever insect I step on within the next five minutes!"

And thus the glorious conception.
Thats when the English knew that they can kick anyone's asses just by challenging people to this game. Unfortunately decades later a bloke named Bhuvan and Jagmohan Dalmia's ancestors proved them wrong. [Source: The historically accurate documentary'Lagaan'. {note: Woh itihas ke panno mein kho gayi!}]. 

A few centuries down the line...the one day international was born. Still not with the same conceptional gloriousness the original "Test" cricket had...the fever caught on and hence started matches which only lasted a day! Now the human mind has a tendency to get bored of whatever good is thrown at him(/her) and thus forces creativity. With the similar concept in mind, an entrepreneur dude got the idea of a bitchin bastardization of the game that might stick well with the current "impatient" generation. Talk about getting more than you ask for. The MODIfication (pun) proved right, and spawn an altogether new sport it did!

Now allow me to digress from all that verbiage thrown above and get straight to the teams. Here they are(in no particular order):

1.Chennai Super Kings : 
Its surprisingly the most balanced team of all, although the same cannot be said about their consistence it does come in in one of the four strongest teams and screams "challenge" in the face of its opponents.

For the batting...Mathew Hayden comes out as a one man army analogous to Schwarzennegger wiping out an army in 'Commando'. With an unchallenged consistency he has been the undisputed owner of the Orange Cap! Standing in his shadow we have Suresh Raina and Badrinath alongwith the not so shining throughout the tournament M.S.Dhoni. 

For the bowling we have a revelation with the name that sounds more like Ducati...Shadab Jakati. You then have the finger lickin one headed ravan Murlitharan,I'll be Morkel,'I still kick ass' Balaji and Sudeep Tyagi who have played their parts well to put up where the team currently is!
Fun Fact : There is an all rounder in the team called...and I shit you not...Napolean Einstien. Now lemme tell you, that the name is enough to make the opposition quiver with fear! 

2.Delhi Daredevils :
Fortunately we didn't have the thums up stealing Akshay Kumar to come and pretend to love the team. Thank you very much. Now this team started with its ups and downs. Somehow managed to brave the IPL ocean currents and come out as the current victors of the game. But it aint over until the Fat Lady sings...or Jayalalitha...whatever...they still have a lot to go through. 

Batting, well...Sehwag and Gambhir might have appeared in more advertisements than the scores the tried to amass. AB de Villiers, shining at will otherwise volatile with his bat hasn't had much to brag about...but still makes up as an integral part of the team. Dilshan...well he's the savior of this team both in terms of batting and bowling which makes him the most valuable asset for DD.
No Collingwood throughout the matches, somethings fishy!

Bowling : Now this is a tricky part...we have Vettori, Nannes, and McGrath. Thats the semantic equivalent of roti,kapda aur makaan in bowling terms. Yet No McGrath throughout the tournament. Are you insane,man? I mean yeah...save the best for the last...but not to the point that it rots and is rendered unpalatable! Whatever the strategy is...it better be good, coz it doesn't look so pretty on the outside! Coming back we have Amit Mishra, Delicate darling Nehra and the 'scary eyes medusa' bhatia in on the aggressive attack. All in all a good team...with few minor glitches maybe.

3.Deccan Chargers :
Again showing the true spirit of Aussie sensationalism we have Adam Gilchrist launching sixes at the opposition as if 'retirement' actually meant 'rebirth'! Gilly has been the scud for the team and never will you see anyone else's face lit up with such enjoyment of the game as this guy.And then we have Symonds(minus the bob marley hair) with full on aussie support. We then have Hershcelle Gibbs coming out from alcohol addiction,a failed marriage and a depression to have a cracking start which eventually got a bit subdued mostly with the unending battle with his inner demons! We then have...oh sorry...HAD...VVS Laxman, who still finds it tough grasp the difference between T20 and 5day test cricket.Dwayne Smith and Rohit Sharma as supplements to Gilly's battering aggression. Rao, a person who hasnt yet shown his true potential!

Bowling...well nothing spectacular comes to mind but we have Ojha,Harmeet Singh and Vaas on the attack. So it's not as if it's weak...just not eye catching enough! 
But then there's RP Singh, getting hit badly but taking wickets at the same time thus unifying the win lose ratio.
Now remember this is the team that suffered quite a punching last IPL and to come out shedding old skin and jumping in Phoenix Style is a truly remarkable feat...so three cheers for them!

4.Kings XI punjab :
To start off with this team...i'm fed up of 'Marry me priety' posters people violently exhibit in front of Mess Vadia(or whatever his name is) not because i respect her...just coz the flag waving pseudo enthusiasm gets on your nerves. Well, cant help it. Just shoot me. 
Anyways we have Yuvi the dude with a hat trick under his belt and a batting performance with an on/off switch.
Katich adding a huge value to the teams net worth.
Sohal,Goel and Bopara...doing their thing...whatever that is!
Mr breakdancing hotheaded Sree Sant with a bowling with an economy rate of 8.8 which is a clear indication that he gotta takes some time off from practicing those groovy steps. 
Sangakkara and Jayawardene( keepin the Sri Lankan spirit alive and pushin the team at places really needed.
Sunglasses power man Powar making his presence felt in a good/bad way.
Wikin Mota, with the most unfortunate surname that makes having six pack ab's a waste!
And Jr Pathan, not shining as well as he used to. Probably some sibling overshadowing going on. 
And the coach, the towering Tom Moody, with his usual "Moody" looks. If you know what i mean. *wink wink*

5.Mumbai Indians : 
Now the first thing that comes to your head on hearing the team is : Sachin Tendulkar. Probably followed by Sanath Jayasurya. Probably followed by Luke Ronchi...ok maybe not that. 
But it ain't the same for me. Its Jean Paul Duminy. He's the man who you can visualize tellin the little master to not worry much, with an 'i'm here' reassuring look on his face. It might sound like an exaggeration but he has proved his mettle pretty well.
Then you have Abhishek Nayar sometimes makin Tendu and Sanath look like dumbasses for flaunting the '20 years experience' tag throwing mud at their faces with some really interestin batting.
Dhawal Kulkarni, well looks like a kid who got the wrong address and just got lucky.
Lasith Malinga...well personally I find his bowling action really really weird...as if at some point he's actually conspiring to hit the umpire on the back of the head with the ball. But he's clawed way up to the food chain with Terminator-esque execution style.
Bravo...not with the same juice he had last time maybe...but still worth being in.
Bhajji...probably done more with the bat than the ball!
Zaheer Khan...injured. All i can say!

Now watching Mrs.Ambani sitting in the team dug out next to zaheer khan everytime can seem a bit unsettling. Especially when Zaheer might be saying something to some other guy... like, "Hey you know what...this cheerleader girl just bent her back in front of me and...*notices Mrs.Ambani*...I covered her up with a blanket for hurting the indian tradtion!Gulp!"

6. Rajasthan Royals :
I can't say a lot coz there is only one word(rather two) which says it all :
Shane Warne
2 more words, and we have :
Yusuf Pathan

Yes, warne...however quirky his sexual romps might have been throught his love/lust life...he proves he cant be forgotten so easily. And with a captain having the potential of sewing up the threads of the team to create an iron armor...cant imagine anyone else.

Q> What do you get when you hypnotize a batsman to believe that he's always playing with a tennis ball?
A> Yusuf Pathan

We have Smith and Macarena's(apology for the spelling) acting as mere props to fill in the "international" valence gap.
Naman Ojha with his irritating war cries just near the middle stump mic makes you think of doing some ugly things to make him stop. But a decent enough player.
Kamran Khan,an absolute delight but pushed away due to the doubtful action was a bit of a disappointment.
Others have played their parts and im partly sleepy. Zzzzzz!
Oh yeah guess who the head coach is : Shane Warne.
And we are also treated to some eye-candy(?), the shitty sisters : Shilpa and [damn i forgot her name]!

7.Royal Challengers :
At first when I heard Pietersen was on as the Captain i let out an ecstatic yelp of joy with the sensational vibrancy of something like "Here comes our savior!". And boy! was I wrong!
Although he looked really convincing holding the team together and pushing them to victory it just didnt click.
And then he left...with a notice tho! 
And hence stepped in Jumbo. Yeap...Mr.Kumble reignited the flames of victory(or any other lame use of adjective) to actually give some hope to the 'used to losing' players of the RC team.
First match...5 wickets. 5 runs. Unimpossible...even if thats not a word. He couldve coined it!
Though later on, they had their share of defeats the team hasnt let their guard down and yet emerges victorious in some battles.
Kallis proving that he's not all that old and redeeming himself from last years failure to launch.
Dravid...again a player who's proving the age limit is a joke and hence putting all his experience to play with some sensational batting strokes! 
Kohli, although a player with a lotta potential hasnt yet made the required mark and so is expected to push the envelope as an individual player!
Praveen Kumar and Vinay Kumar...they have played their part well...yet again great potentials.
The stunner of them all for me...RV der Merwe, the catches,the batting and a bit of bowling...he has been a hidden key to unlock some mysterious victories for the RC.

All in all the team is not actually that well balanced and still has a long way to go to acquire a branded recognition...but for me it is personally my favorite team probably because of the underdog feeling for them that I have. And maybe as a thanks to Mr.Mallaya to bring to life the kingfisher calenders! Bless his soul!
Fun fact : J.Kallis' sister is a cheerleader for the IPL! 

8.Knight Riders :
What do I say! This team needs an entirely different blog post. And devote myself I will.
You can actually visualize SRK waking up every day comforting himself that it was just a dream and then ripping the sports page to pieces a few minutes later!
Every group has its whipping boy, and that role has been faithfully played by the KKR.
Being the people spending maximum bucks on ads,songs,and misc. you gotta have some pity for these guys for managing only one victory and a half due to the Duckworth Lewis rule. 
Depressing. Pathetic. Sad.
And no. This time its not the players to blame.
There's a ring master with a mad scientist methodology : Buchhanan! 
Cheers, for singlehandedly ruining a team!
More to come on this.

In the end, the biggest thing about the IPL is the sheer unity of the teams being from separate nations.
Its like Marthin Luther King Jr.'s "I have a dream" on steroids. 
Nowhere else will you see Murlitharan Hanging out with Hayden...or Bret Lee high fiving Yuvraj singh!
Now that's a game.
And the Cheerleaders of course!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

It's the heat!!!

It's funny how at this time of the year for the inability of any action you don't need to grope for a wide spectrum of reasons for what/who to put the blame on.

"It's the heat!" you hearing echoing through each corner of the society.

And the heat it is! And in this summer time, the time when you're supposed to kick back and relax in an AC room or a hill station, here I am planning out on my one month long 'study leave'. Call it reading vacation, prepatory leave, study holidays...but the term 'study leave' has its own charm for it is filled with hope by the simple inversion of it's terms = leave study!

And at times when holding a matchstick outside is sufficient enough to ignite it, you start craving for the winter cold (which seems like an impossible event with this magnitude of heat). So when all fails and the concentration levels of your actions tend to linger near the zero mark, thats when "Its the heat!" accusation is yelled out in defense. 

'Why aren't you studying?' . 'It's the heat!'
'Dude, you didn't show up at the 2 o clock meet'. 'It's the heat!'
'Why didn't you call me yesterday?'. 'It's the heat!'
'Who put this damn thing here?'. 'It's the heat!'

Okay, so maybe not the last one. But still you get my point.

And my theory on a weight loss program is just to stand out for a while in the sun to bask in the treatment of immediate sublimation. Although, side effects may vary from throbbing headaches and parital bright spots on you retina! But hey, everything has a price to pay. Better than going through the miraculous hogwash shown on the local teleshopping network, eh? *nudge nudge*

As you can see this post was just a filler to bridge the previous post and the upcoming post to avoid an extending the period of time between the two. And...I had nothing better to do,so here I am.

"Nothing better to do?" you say, "There's so much to do!"

"It's the heat!" I point and laugh at the sun. 

[Note: Why call it the 'heat wave'...why not the 'heat particle'? Doesn't the dual nature exist here? Try standing outside in the heat for a while...doesn't it feel like tiny balls of fire being thrown at you? That's particle nature my friend. And now's the time where I give Louis De Broglie a hypothetical Hi five!]