...obeying the voices in my head...

Saturday, May 24, 2008

A long shower

A favorite tag word often used for people my age. Usually its associated to getting "free" from being under rules, taking ones own decisions etc etc... you get my point, right!

I have this contemplating time period in a day while I stand extremely still under the shower and and think on...everything. The day, my life,' Am I happy?', 'am I sane today?' and stuff like that. And it really helps. That cool feeling goes through my body and feels as if the water purifies every negative thought or gives me the resistance.

Freedom. Some of my friends always count the number of days they'll be free to be on their own feet. No parents to bug around , no one to tell you what to do...although with the whole "revolution" in communication, scrutinizing surveillance is 'easier than stealing candy from a baby'(quote : Mr.Burns, Simpsons). Nobody would obviously think of the burden of responsibility that would be present. Its like this - if the chocolate cake looks extremely delicious you're not gonna stand there and count the calories. And yeah anyways it not "soooo" tough living alone and being free, is it? We always have that sense of over confidence that if I can survive these 20 years of my life I can go ahead and do what I want.

The words has a lotta ambiguous meanings linked with it, depends on the situation. Where's the freedom when you run outta money while you're supposed to be working, is it gonna be 'mommy and daddy' to rescue?

Maybe I'm not even old enough to write this stuff. It's part of being an 'adult'!!
Oh yes, the being an 'adult' brings all sorts of oooh's and aaah's with it, I'm still a kid tho' pretending to be an 80 year old experienced veteran.

And yet there are these times when you just can take it when you're given 'orders', you shout out - I wanna be alone, somewhere else...anywhere else but this!
Sounds familiar?
No? Then stop reading I guess.

So many genre's, so dangerous...yet so tempting.
Solitude is.

But whatever we do, all the dilemma's , all the indecisiveness, the crossroads... follow your gut,
the grass is always gonna be greener on the other side!! (?)

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Con Air!

I remember watching Con Air when it was released, we had this VCR and the cassette was a bad quality camera print i think. I barely understood the movie coz o the quality and turned it off. 8 years laters when I saw it again, it gained access to my favorite movie list. The best thing about the movie are the dialogs, sheer splendid stuff. This is the movie in which I really appreciated John Malkovich for his role as Cyrus the Virus.

Here are some memorable quotes from the movie :

* [Holding a gun up to the head of a stuffed pink bunny]
Cyrus Grissom: Make a move and the bunny gets it.

* Cyrus Grissom: I despise rapists. For me, you're somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corners of your mouth when you're really thirsty. But, in your case, I'll make an exception.

* Garland Greene: What if I told you insane was working fifty hours a week in some office for fifty years at the end of which they tell you to piss off; ending up in some retirement village hoping to die before suffering the indignity of trying to make it to the toilet on time? Wouldn't you consider that to be insane?

* [to the pilot whom he is holding at gunpoint]
Cyrus Grissom: Say a word about this over the radio, and the next wings you see will belong to the flies buzzing over your rotting corpse!

* Vince Larkin: Do you understand me, or do you need me to draw it in crayon, like usual?

* Garland Greene: He's a font of misplaced rage. Name your cliche; Mother held him too much or not enough, last picked at kickball, late night sneaky uncle, whatever. Now he's so angry that moments of levity actually cause him pain; give him headaches. Happiness, for that gentleman, hurts.

* William 'Billy Bedlam' Bedford: Have you lost your mind?
Cyrus Grissom: According to my last psych evaluation, yes.

* Duncan Malloy: What's with "dictionary-boy" over here?
Vince Larkin: I believe "thesaurus-boy" would be more appropriate.

* Baby O: What's wrong with him?
Cameron Poe: My first guess would be... a lot.

* Vince Larkin: Cyrus, where are you taking my plane?
Cyrus Grissom: We're going to Disney Land.
Vince Larkin: You're lying, Cyrus.
Cyrus Grissom: So are you, Vince.
[singing mockingly]
Cyrus Grissom: Ohh... nothing makes me sadder than the agent lost his blader in the... aaaiirrrplane
[throws the headset he's using]

* Cyrus Grissom: Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I have the only gun on board. Welcome to Con Air.

* Johnny 23: Do you know what I am?
Cameron Poe: Ugly all day?

* Vince Larkin: This one has done it all: kidnapping, robbery, murder, and extortion. His name is Cyrus Grissom, A.K.A. Cyrus the Virus. Thirty-nine years old, twenty-five of them spent in our institutions. But he's bettered himself on the inside. Earned two degrees, including his juris doctorate. He's also killed eleven fellow inmates, incited three riots, and escaped twice. Likes to brag he's killed more men than cancer. Cyrus is a poster child for the criminally insane. He's a true product of the system.
Duncan Malloy: What's that supposed to mean?
[Malloy looks back at Sims]
Duncan Malloy: What is he, one of these sociology majors who thinks we're responsible for breeding these animals?
Vince Larkin: No, but I can point a few fingers if it would make you feel comfortable.

* [after seeing a Corvette being towed in the air by a plane]
Cameron Poe: On any other day, that might seem strange.

* ["Sweet Home Alabama" plays in background]
Garland Greene: Define irony: a bunch of idiots dancing around on a plane to a song made famous by a band that died in a plane crash.

* Cameron Poe: Sorry Larkin, but there's only two men I trust. One of them's me. The other's not you.

* Cyrus Grissom: Thank you Poe, you've proven to be a most useful mammal.
Cameron Poe: Many hands make light work. My father taught me that.
Cyrus Grissom: Know what my father taught me? Nothing.
Cameron Poe: Self-educated man.

* Cyrus Grissom: It's not difficult to surmise Nathan's feelings towards killing these guards; and my own proclivities are well-known and often-lamented facts of penal lore.

* Vince Larkin: "The degree of civilization can be judged by its prisoners." Dostoyevsky said that... after doin' a little time.

* Cyrus Grissom: Considering my audience, I'm going to make this very quick and very simple.
[points to objects in the sand]
Cyrus Grissom: This is the boneyard, this is the hanger, this is our plane.
Con #1: [points] What's that?
Cyrus Grissom: That's a rock!
[knocks it out of the way]
Con #1: Okay.

* Cyrus Grissom: Where's the plane Cindino?
Francisco Cindino: It'll be here, have patience.
Cyrus Grissom: The last guy who told me to have patience, I burned him down, bagged his ashes.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Men will be Men

Stretch! Yawn!
"McGrath is awesome...this is where all the experience kicks in." I comment after watching an almost maiden over bowled by the Delhi Daredevils fast-medium pace bowler.
Kushal and Sahil nod in agreement.

There it was on the idiot box, the Delhi Daredevils Vs. Rajasthan Royals. IPL at one of its best.

I stretch more. Relaxed and getting back to the match.
This is how I spent my evening yesterday with the "guys", i.e - My old school friends Kushal and Sahil. It was all the old memories coming back, when we used to be glued to the TV watching an ODI and cheering for India(or sometimes the winning side!) and then during the breaks we used to play 'handy' cricket with a sponge ball in the living room. These were the 'get-togethers' we had pre-high school days.

We met after a few 'months' yesterday, yet the best thing(or thats what I see it as) is that we don't go into all the tight hugging and "Man! its been so long!"...I enter with a casual 'Hey!Watsup?' and the next moment we're discussing about the current match. That is the awesome part with these guys in a way, we never had to tell each other any intimate stuff, share secrets or lament on how screwed things were. It's all about the time that we meet. Let the past be the past, which is really relaxing in a lotta ways.

So here we were, lying on the sofa. Jumping on boundaries being hit, cursing the fielders, giving pieces of advice to the bowlers...hey! as long as we aren't in the match there's no pressure on us, right? So whats wrong in some harmless criticism.

[By the way I had lost complete faith and interest in Cricket when I was around 16-17, and stopped following it completely. But that's when I hooked on to F1, Soccer and Tennis matches. With the current IPL trend taking over, I have been a victim of this new format of the so called 'Gentleman's Game'. Amen to that!]

Its when I got an sms which said "Men! Men! Men!" from Dagny, on updating her with my then-current state that I realized this is how 'Men!' are always pictured to be. Being with a group and watching a sport(we also kept on switching to the English Premiere League once in a while!) and cheering, shouting n what not. Being Lazy was another perspective, but I refrain from acknowledging that point of view. Yet somehow I felt all 'Manly' about myself in weird ways, which I don't usually.

This was rarely the way I spend my time with my other friends. I never felt all that masculine and testosterone driven in any way. Thats why yesterday it felt all different but new. I still couldn't calculate my thoughts in my head and come to any conclusion on that.

Anyways we had 'hum-pum' paneer(muchos splendido!) and lotsa garlic bread which was great and a bit of green apple vodka(thank you Russia!) for that manly touch. And had a great time reuniting and feeling a bit nostalgic.

Wish I had taken a pic with all three of us yesterday, we dont even have one such photo. But sometimes leaving it to the memory can be more fun. :)


Saturday, May 03, 2008

In Dependence

I've been trying hard since a few weeks to be with myself alone, as to know 'what' I am. It sounds all too heavy and spiritual and stuff, but its really quite simple. All I want to do is identify myself as another person so that I can be with myself and not be afraid of being alone, coz even if end up being alone sometimes I would still have someone - Me!

I admit it - I am really really dependent on the people around me...when it comes to work and even emotionally. When I breakdown emotionally I confide everything to any of my friend even though he/she is not my best(est) friend...and I do not weigh at that time that how the information that I'm disclosing would have any consequences or not. When I'm emotional I just cling onto someone. Lately I found out that, that is a really big weakness that I have.

Yes yes, friends are there for us all the time. 'A friend in need is a friend in need' and all that stuff, but I land up getting too dependent on others. I only visualize myself as a helpless fog, with no solidarity. And such moments I fail to acknowledge my strength in order to borrow it from others, it really makes me weak. And I never realize this at the right time. I keep on looking for support all around. Someone to confide in or just let out those bitter things to take weight off my chest. Maybe I might be getting too extreme on the 'be with myself' part, but in no way do I mean that I won't socialize and be alone on an island.

Yes, I do crave for solitude sometimes but not every time. I have such wonderful people around me whom I could probably not live without. No man is an island, right?

Since a few weeks I've been learning to be less dependent. Now I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, though I feel better in some ways. I guess I feel more strong and capable to take stuff on my own and have my own feelings and intuition to work on something rather than being dependent on what others might think of it. It's that sense of freedom 'to be' and not 'to be for'.

When I get all emotionally heavy, frustrated or disturbed I go into this blankness...sort of like a meditation mode. I switch my mobile phone off usually, coz my phone is the thing which keeps me connected to the people around me and as long as its on I still am connected and ummm...can I say...bound(?) in a way. Even if I try to free my mind I would still think of the messages and the missed calls that I'll be missing. So I go off line and try to figure out things and be with myself and take the whole emotional responsibility. Although the bad part in this is that I only come back online when I'm totally sure about myself...so sometimes that takes more than the estimated time to be online.

Now, in now way when I'm doing this means that I'm running away from my responsibilities. That is far from what I intend. All I need is just a little time to know myself. Sometimes this sounds like total hogwash, bullshit or whatever you may call it...this is how things are going on for me now. Maybe I would be clearer about this whole thing later on, we'll see!

I still thought of a lot more things to write about this...maybe next time!