...obeying the voices in my head...

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Exile

I dont know things.
I am no-one....
I am nothing...
I am nowhere.

Voices inside my head. They scream for a place just to be heard.I want to exile myself, for all the mistakes I have made. I'm not saying I want to be the perfect thing...but maybe I might
just dream of being that way.
There is no pressure on me as such...I pressurize myself. I just try n push. But there seems no response.

Exile.
Is this the only answer I have. Why do I always want to run away.
I hate attachments sometimes...they just pull you down.
I guess 'hate' is the harshest term i could use for now. I am just grumpy.
I donno wanna cry for all all that attachment. Just dont want to feel stupid. Am just afraid of responsibilities... I just dont want that. I just dont wanna go wrong somewhere.Just am plainly scared of makin mistakes however valuable a 'mistake' is in learnin stuff.

Just am scared with the question 'What if...?' that loops on and on in my mind.
A distortion of my own thoughts is what I am.
I cant seem to find space now.
I dont wanna suffocate my own self.
'There is no pressure.'
Or do I just keep sayin that to make me feel better.


Exile.
I wanna run away and open up my mind.
Expand my thoughts which are currently limited between four walls of a thought process
that are affected by outside elements. By people. Everywhere, Everything.

I wanna be alone.
I hate sayin this coz I know that I might not even be able to survive one moment without some people.
I just satisfy my inner self to say that there is a remote possibility that things would get all happy n merry n gay ...then there would be the 'happily ever after...' ending.


Sounds cute. But life doesnt function like a 'fairy tale' does it.
That is the reason why we have fairy tales isnt it. So that we can escape into another world of fantasy and live virtually as if there is no absolute reality.
Think.
Nothing is absolute is it...
Nothing is forever.

It hurts me to say this... hehe...nothing is forever. How I want everything to last.But things just fade away into oblivion ...and at that I might be standing there wondering.
Thinking about what ould have been the prefect 'Goodbye' which would have made me feel a lot better.
But there is a reason why things are not there forever, just to make us treasure every moment thinkin that this might be the last.
It just makes everything more precious doesnt it.
Nobody wants to take thins for granted.

Think.
I cant control my thoughts can I.
I am not an austere saint am I??
Hehe...am far from that. I just wanna live.
I am not saying I wanna live happily ever after...coz I think that just completely sucks.
Happiness isnt eveything...sadness is inevitable.
And If I dont know the importance of sadness then that would make just more and more unable to feel hapiness.
Every light casts a dark shadow doesnt it.
Its all together, co-existing.
The universe wasnt sewn from a single thread to create a fabric of space and time that would
go on till infinty.
It is co-existence.
There is always an option.
There is always a reason.
There always is an individuality.

Exile.
Hmmmmmmmmm....
do I really wanna go??
I would call it temporary death.
I'm an escapist aint I.
Deja vu.
But then being practical can have more importance...thinking things not as they are just goin on and take everything for granted.
I just know I am just making up reasons to run away from responsibilities. Silly pretexts.
When all I have to do is to just stand there, prepare and face it.
FACE whatever come's my way.
That's it.
Sounds easy doesnt it.
Well...it is actually. There is nothing to it.
The trick is just not to get thoughts muddled up and leave the path of action.
Leave coz you have a reason to complain about the system and why the conditions dont suit you.
Thats the thing I guess...I always complain about things not being the way they are.
Life is about adapting and change sometimes.
I just dont wanna go n know the mystery to life and spoil the fun here.

Why dont I just go out and discover things myself...

I guess thats what life is about...isnt it??
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Phew!! That was how thoughts flow in my head.Am tired now...anybody care for a snack n beverage??

2 comments:

Dagny said...

I understand your exile thing, i can suggest places, i'm the agent, remember?

Ajay "NRkey" Menon said...

oh please do ...
Is atira one o them?