...obeying the voices in my head...

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Drive through the zero infinite...

...that sudden pinch of loneliness had set in. I could elaborate it and make it more dramatic but it rather is pointless. And as always I didnt stand up to shoving a proverbial middle finger to my current rut called life. This is no form of dynamic loneliness, whatever it may mean.

I have grown accustomed to it. Developed a certain liking. All this from a person who at a certain period of time was afraid of being anti-social and deserted by people. We all have these pangs of desire for solitude. Hence the famous words "Just leave me alone" reverberates in deep recesses of our mental pits, yet somehow excavated and showcased brilliantly and rather aggressively at the saturation point of someone else's poking. 

Since the brouhaha of being single again was a major life flow altering experience, never had I actually given it too deep a thought and already went out to "recover". Smoking n boozing were mere slingshots to get to another point of pointlessness in attempts to meander in my own sinking consciousness. It should never have got to a point where the lack of it was frustration. Fortunately, it hasnt. And being in a dry state + living with your parents is pretty affective to lead an ascetic routine of the thing I joke to be "a day".

I might sound morbid and derelict. But just to clear it up, I am not unhappy. Clearing up things more, im not all ecstatic with joy either. "Happy" and "sad" are mere gtalk status messages now considering the short lived crescendo and climatic orgasm of feelings expreienced currently. Not enough juice filled in each emotion to rule the day. Hence the dynamics associated to the mundane chronicles of any given day. 

It's a pattern. A simple pattern we all live in. Complicating it with our own layers in order to get the ultimate truth. Just waiting for wise men to open their mouths to grasp the elixir of meaningless words and to quench that mental thirst of inevitable knowledge.
We exist. Everyone. We live? Maybe.

All this time trying to remove that want and need for anything. From simple to complex, a temptation to possess a certain unknown variable 'x'. And the self defined equations we put with our own recipes of algebra. Gradually clawing our way to an funny twist of arriving at the fact that '0 equals 0'. No matter what convoluted piece of an equation you equate with zero. That zero is still the zero it was. A postulate so horribly obvious people are scared to accept the unintertwined and dead straight value of 'x' sitting right in front of them. 

How many times do we think of a solution in our heads and deny it for its simplicity. Since it lacks adventure and a mytical journey through space time and everything else, it is condemned. And here I am negating my own self, elaborating on nothingness. When there wasnt even a question.  

Anyways, branching off...all I gotta do right now is learnt to control. Free will can be dangerous to a degree. Like over-consciousness.
So here I am raising my glass of water...
cheers to freedom!

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Rude Awakening

Criticism. I can't take criticiscm.

The moment it hits me my face frowns or any other mode of expression is put to animation. I'm not the total sport who would see every brickbat/mockery thrown at me and mould it into constructive criticism and be merry and live hapilly ever after. It sticks to me like glue for a while and refuses to budge. And then I have that 'I dont give a fuck!' phase in order to cover up for the frowning face.

So basically I'm still a 6 year old when it comes to taking criticism. Now the part after that comes the sulking. And people who know me well, know what kind of a sulking champ I am. The worst is when you have noone to actually call and let out ur mundane whines to. Technically speaking I do have lotsa people to call, but just didn't feel like. Coz this is part which I wanted. To be independent, and not rely on being consoled or pampered.  Funny thing is I end up talking n texting to the same person at the end of the day now on. And so she calls me up. And I am dependent again.
Dammit Miss Happy G!

Also, I talk bullshit when Im sleepy. But even when I'm not.
Universal Set = Bullshit talk!