...obeying the voices in my head...

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Life Under A Scanner

Freedom. Is it good? Is it independence I seek?

I just don't wanna feel strings pulling me, and so I would feel less like a puupet goin on commands without any individuality.
I might be exaggerating things, I know. But I just want to express it in an extreme way so that the point gets clear on.

"We are not free. We were never free. When was the last time you did something because you and only you wanted to do it. Unaffected by the thoughts of the people around you. Slavery is still prevalant. We have just stopped recognizing it. It's a part of you now. Look at yourself. Ask Yourself. What do you really seek, and are you getting there? What is stopping you?"

I am not going with the cliche's that 'My life sucks' and 'I need more independence' but I just want to make a point that I shall have to be let go slowly so that I learn how to stand on my own two feet. It sounds rude when I put it this way coz every help n protection that I get is for the good of myself.

I am not saying I want things the hard way, maybe I m seeking to live under no-ones command and do what I really want to do.

But maybe I am not mature enough. Mature enough to resist some temptation. I hate to say this but I am at a point where I can be easily submerged into the vices of the world. I just believe that I can hold on all by myself. But then I can only judge about it once I get into that situation.

I remember a few days ago I was tempted to smoke by some people. I refused explicitly. I was so confident about myself and plus I never wanted to break the promise I had made. Yet my parents are not that confident enough. And I can understand why.

I have broken their trust once already and it has never been easy to patch back up. Every thing that I did since then had to go under their scanner of suspicion. I wont blame them actually. I would have been worse If I was in their shoes. But sometimes I just feel like a fool always accused of doing the wrong things everytime. I try and prove that I wont be a fool twice.

But that fails. Its never gonna be easy. And it is natural. I just donno how I can make them trust again for what my intentions are for any action that I undertake.

And being falsely accused is the worst feeling I would never be able to swallow. I gasp for air at such times. But I am to blame too, though not fully, but I got myself into this mess.


Everything happens for a reason.


You know there are these times in life when you just want to freeze time...squeeze everythin out of a second so that you could just feel it to go on longer. Just to cherish that moment.

A feeling when you get when you dont know whatever that is happening around you...
And strangely you dont even care.

A freeze frame... and thats how its goes. No matter all that you thought you had suffered it all just does not matter coz you just dont tend to remember whatever that happened even a few minutes ago.

Just live for that moment.
(Damn! there's no rewind :P.)

She was there...
what more could I say.

Awesome!!! :D

Sunday, July 29, 2007


I dont know things.
I am no-one....
I am nothing...
I am nowhere.

Voices inside my head. They scream for a place just to be heard.I want to exile myself, for all the mistakes I have made. I'm not saying I want to be the perfect thing...but maybe I might
just dream of being that way.
There is no pressure on me as such...I pressurize myself. I just try n push. But there seems no response.

Is this the only answer I have. Why do I always want to run away.
I hate attachments sometimes...they just pull you down.
I guess 'hate' is the harshest term i could use for now. I am just grumpy.
I donno wanna cry for all all that attachment. Just dont want to feel stupid. Am just afraid of responsibilities... I just dont want that. I just dont wanna go wrong somewhere.Just am plainly scared of makin mistakes however valuable a 'mistake' is in learnin stuff.

Just am scared with the question 'What if...?' that loops on and on in my mind.
A distortion of my own thoughts is what I am.
I cant seem to find space now.
I dont wanna suffocate my own self.
'There is no pressure.'
Or do I just keep sayin that to make me feel better.

I wanna run away and open up my mind.
Expand my thoughts which are currently limited between four walls of a thought process
that are affected by outside elements. By people. Everywhere, Everything.

I wanna be alone.
I hate sayin this coz I know that I might not even be able to survive one moment without some people.
I just satisfy my inner self to say that there is a remote possibility that things would get all happy n merry n gay ...then there would be the 'happily ever after...' ending.

Sounds cute. But life doesnt function like a 'fairy tale' does it.
That is the reason why we have fairy tales isnt it. So that we can escape into another world of fantasy and live virtually as if there is no absolute reality.
Nothing is absolute is it...
Nothing is forever.

It hurts me to say this... hehe...nothing is forever. How I want everything to last.But things just fade away into oblivion ...and at that I might be standing there wondering.
Thinking about what ould have been the prefect 'Goodbye' which would have made me feel a lot better.
But there is a reason why things are not there forever, just to make us treasure every moment thinkin that this might be the last.
It just makes everything more precious doesnt it.
Nobody wants to take thins for granted.

I cant control my thoughts can I.
I am not an austere saint am I??
Hehe...am far from that. I just wanna live.
I am not saying I wanna live happily ever after...coz I think that just completely sucks.
Happiness isnt eveything...sadness is inevitable.
And If I dont know the importance of sadness then that would make just more and more unable to feel hapiness.
Every light casts a dark shadow doesnt it.
Its all together, co-existing.
The universe wasnt sewn from a single thread to create a fabric of space and time that would
go on till infinty.
It is co-existence.
There is always an option.
There is always a reason.
There always is an individuality.

do I really wanna go??
I would call it temporary death.
I'm an escapist aint I.
Deja vu.
But then being practical can have more importance...thinking things not as they are just goin on and take everything for granted.
I just know I am just making up reasons to run away from responsibilities. Silly pretexts.
When all I have to do is to just stand there, prepare and face it.
FACE whatever come's my way.
That's it.
Sounds easy doesnt it.
Well...it is actually. There is nothing to it.
The trick is just not to get thoughts muddled up and leave the path of action.
Leave coz you have a reason to complain about the system and why the conditions dont suit you.
Thats the thing I guess...I always complain about things not being the way they are.
Life is about adapting and change sometimes.
I just dont wanna go n know the mystery to life and spoil the fun here.

Why dont I just go out and discover things myself...

I guess thats what life is about...isnt it??
Phew!! That was how thoughts flow in my head.Am tired now...anybody care for a snack n beverage??

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Excerpt from the Diary...

Was just browsing through my ol' diary which was aptly titled 'Diary of a Madman' in its front pages. It feels awesome to read some of this old stuff which I thought I had forgotten, and there are some pages that embarrass me so much that I just feel like tearin off those pages...but memories shall be memories. You can't erase them.
This is one of the days that I just came to browse upon in my diary.

Warning: I even used to write utter crap 2 years ago. If you have read my blog then you are already immune to the crappiness.

25th May 2005
Hey boss, here we go, 3 2 1...
->Its funny how u make promises of commitment. The sad part comes when you've not acheived half of what you should have done. Promises may be easy to make, but it takes the crap out of you to maintain it. The reality of life is quite bitter to what your dreams you build yourselfare.You always dream of heaven, the the stairway to heaven is much harder than the escalator to hell.
And what for all the lazy people like me could do more, than sit and float towards the place where the devils waiting with his trident. Everyday I make a promise to myself, 99% of them are fake and inneffective, the rest is govt. tax (whatever!!). I make a promise that the moment I get up the next day, i'll be good as new, a changed person. Who would start taking in knowledge untill his brain explodes. Theresult - I wake up next day dreary eyed...finding something to spend time with, other thatn watt is actually my objective.
Coming back from the
Philosophical Blabberrer...
I dont have tutions for Chem and physics (which apparently makes people's eye pop-out!!). The reaction I usually get is "ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR MIND??" I wish my anwer was not "YES". Unofrtunately it is. My determination or commitment is not gainin an inch to what must have gained 3 feet by now. [ I'm stuck in a boat, because the anchor is laid but i'm too lazy to pull back tha anchor, so I cant ride with the breeze. And at that time the other boats have gone far far ahead of me. Though I dont want this to happen, this is watt I am. I sit, I rot!]
But everybody has great expectations from me. They think I work.
I Ajay, Hereby pronounce myself
Guess I dont get a medal for that. And meanwhile jinal crawls into IIT. I, Ajay, Master of Dust-mites and flies, (crap)...sit and rot.
Hail to the master...Let's Shit on him.
[Whatever that means!!!]
Sleepy now.
Signing off.
N that was what I was.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

On and on...

There was nuthin soo interestin goin on in the day.
Just was thinkin of song to make it sound interestin...
i need a riff to sing this! :D
Here it goes...


Thoughts rush
sky parts
sun rises
rays like darts.

Eyes open
mind shut
deep in the hollow
rumble of the bus.

Rather land up
somewhere else.

The sun's a top
mind still stopped.
Slavery remains
of the mind n all.

Automatic moves
of the brain n hands.
Jotting down stuff
later to cram???

Flow with the system
or be a rebel...
I guess i'm too sleepy
that's my only level.

Time flies
though awfully slow.
They call them 'lectures'
and I say - 'what ho!'

Waitin for the hand
to reach the 6.
To run away...
to feel the bliss.

Sitting in the
humming bus again i talk.
Talk with the damsel
so the knight never stops.(beep beep! call on hold!)

Rusted and worn out
I reach my abode.
I gorge on my food
and now starts my road...


The time table fable....

Just had my first day at college as a second year student.
The day started off badly when I saw the time table n
found out that saturdays were full days n that we had two

"Two Labs!!!"I exclaimed. They gotta be kiddin me.

I was thoroughly sad with the thought of wasting my
saturday by sitting in college lookin outside the window
while the rest of the world was goin out n havin fun and
sayin..."There somewhere he might be sinkin in between
huge volumes of books."

Hmmmph...sigh! I sat there sulkin in the Lab. But then I
thought it wasnt right. I had to do something I cant just
sit there n sulk and expect it to go away. I had to be
prepared. I wasnt, but now i have to. I think I got a bit
motivated and inspired by some of Dagny's ideals and her
positivity...she constantly hepled my mood a lott
throughout the day.

I was all merry n energetic again. Though at some times
then I passed the corridor again n saw the time table
staring back at me I sulked again. But I guess now i'll
have to learn to take things as a challenge rather than
make attempts to weasel out.

Most of my hours in college are spent in sulkin abt the
people around me n 'how the hell did I land up here?'. But
now I guess I'll have to extract whatever advantages I've
got with me bein here.

ADAPTING. Here's that word again. (Taken from the previous 'college' post!)

Well....life goes on. I'll live.

Had a tiring day, but its ok. I just feel like i've worked.

Overall Mood : Happy!

(Am gettin better at playin Megadeth-Holy wars... someday i might be able to play it on stage!! That would be cool!)

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

A Reason

Something I wrote a few days back. Felt as If things were changing and going into a more pleasant phase! Seems they are...or are they, duh duh duhhhhh!!

I lay asleep
Ignorant of the world around me
too unique to blend
never camouflaged in the society.

Of all the times I have been through
doesnt life ever have a lesson
so teach me what it beholds
or shall I just softly glide away.

I'm impatient
I'm weak
Nothings clear
it's all too bleak.

There is darkness that surrounds me
I might collapse
But I still learn to hold on
hold on till my last.

All that has faded away
the darkness has passed
I'm entering a new world
but dont want to go in fast.

All I wanted was a reason
a reason to live my life
and I wont say I got what I wanted
but what I needed to stay alive...


thugh thugh. Chink. Whirrrrrrr....

And it has started again. The schizo is walkin n talkin again.

Through all these days startin from a rocky journey to some of the best experience have missed all of it out here.

Shall reignite the flames....so that the pheniox will rise from it! :D

No idea what that meant actually!!

Inspired by Dagny i shall try to start writin regular now.

So... corpse and robbers 2 is on the way, till then bear the other posts please!