...obeying the voices in my head...

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Invisible Kid

Now i'll tell you the story of a boy who didn't like going to school.
A boy who was invisible to the rest of the people, half of them might not even have known his name.

Ok...i'll cut the crap.
Few days ago I was reminded of the ol' school days...this was during the time when all I knew abt jinal was that he was an 'efficient nasta stealer and a bit of a flirty type'...while rishabh...all I knew was that 'he could draw well'. Period. So this was when I didnt really know people from their inside how they were and what they were. They just existed for me...they had no value as such other than just having people around. I liked a lotta people and had so much fun playin with all o them, but emotionally I was one sick freak. Being hypersensitive about every minute thing, was scared to lie coz then 'bahot bada paap ho jayega' thing, had barely flesh inside me(see: skeleton-like) to open the textbooks and close them back.

I donno why I am spilling all this out...its just that I want it outta my system.

I am not in any way blaming all the people around for how mean they have been. Though there was this time when somebody bluntly shouted at me sayin ,"You can barely do anything right and you just try to sniff yourself and hang around girls expecting they would talk to you. Truth is that they dont even know that you're around. Filthy asshole!!". I was appalled when I got to hear this directly being said on my face, but the fact was that it was true. I hated myself for a lotta stuff... I never had achieved anything, I had no talent and mom n dad had to encourage to the point of forcing me do something creative, I was never good with the marks system. But the thing was I was never bad or a failure either.
I was just stuck somewhere in the middle. And the label 'average' had been laid on my head. At first it didnt seem bad but slowly it degrading and I started hating being called normal. Gradually I always took the word 'average n normal' to be associated with 'Who the fk cares about you, you can barely make it to the top!!' thing. I never had any reason to work on...it was all like if i get good grades then I get a better computer or something else that I wanted. But I never did care about all that stuff, maybe I was spoilt coz I got things that I wanted. I just got so pissed off at stuff that I just wanted to run away from everything.

I was slowly getting consumed by bitter thoughts. I would curse myself, sometimes hit myself, punch the wall till my fingers were bruised n started bleeding...and at a point it got all too worse when I started playin around with knives and sharp objects. I even thought at a time that I was an antichrist coz I had scratched the words 'pain is god' on my hand. It got all too dark and bad. The escapist and the defeatist attitude slowly crept in and at some of those hopless days I would be standing on the edge of the terrace making 'life-altering' decisions. I was never ever pressured at home...and that was something I saw past at how lucky I was to have such great parents. I was too consumed to having myself thrown away from the daily rut if living blind.

Around at that time I had started listening to rock music and slowly moved on too heavy metal and all its sub genres. It did change a lot in my life. I had a way to channel my anger, pain,misery, sadness...any extreme emotion. But the darkness didn't fade away as such...it was still there at the same level tho I was making myself believe that it was not there and I was fine. Ignorance is not always bliss though.

I did find it tough to fit into school coz I didnt interact with many people. My universe just mainly consisted on 4 of my friends. I was weak and was quite an easy target for bein picked and pushed around. I had a girly and weak voice, which made it easy for people to point and laugh at me sometimes. I never fought back coz I thought that noone is bad inside they just make mistakes...n I easily started forgiving people coz I knew I wont fight back. But it did spawn violent thoughts in me sometimes and I had even pictured myself bringing a shotgun to school so that people would listen to me and knew who I was. I think during the same year the colombia/arizona school shoot outs had happened and then I was just shocked at how sad it was and how pathetic I was to have even thought about having such awful things in mind. I was the saint's devil...hehe. Thats wat I called myself...proceeded further to being the heretic monk.

Outside,as a person I was seen as the achha baccha who would always help people and do good no matter what. Well that was true in a way...coz I was all that, just that deep inside I was mixed up in identifying who I really was. But I still hated myself coz things had not changed in any way...I was still termed as 'the average guy'.

I wanted to make my prescence felt but I didnt know how. Just then later on I started growing my hair and a beard and started dressin differently and tried to change the exterior part of me. I never wanted to grab attention exactly coz I was scared and shy of talking and reacting to people, being in mental isolation for so long.
Call me stupid,foolish, an ass, wierdo, freak...anything but it just worked at that time. I was out of the 'average guy thing' coz people now did notice me. I wasnt the skinny gawky kid with braces anymore. I did feel like someone else. It was wierd coz I started to talkin to people and had the best time of my life when I got to meet jinal n rishabh. I remember when our school had started and I didnt know jinal that well, he asked me ,"You know actually you dont look like that old Ajay now. But tell me why have you grown your hair and all this beard n all? I dont get the point actually." And I just smiled back and said ,"Yaar...you just wont understand!". Hehe, and now look at the irony.

I like the change as such coz I wasnt called the 'normal - average' guy anymore. Though I was even called a 'freak' by some people, but surprisingly it didn't feel bad at all. The invisible kid had gone by that time...and I thought I had an identity now.

Things were not all happy and gay(as in merry) but there was hope.The darkness was still there....its still is.

Otherwise I would have to change the blog title ...right??


Dagny said...

The darkness was still there....its still is.

This is waht i found most disturbing