...obeying the voices in my head...

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Im scared of nothingness now. 

Was I craving for it only because I had everything?
Got a really fuzzy head right now.

It's just when you are prepared to lose everything, is when you stop fearing.

But, how do I know Im ready?

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

No Silent Night, No holy light

My Exams have started today, yet with all the chaos that has erupted with the recent terror attacks at Mumbai have made my fingers itchy and finally i want to get it out of my system.

Since the night of 26th November when I got the shocking news and minute by minute coverage of the horrors unfold in Mumbai, I was speechless. I was glued to the TV for a long time as I was at utter disbelief of witnessing a terror of such magnitude that was happening 500kms away from from my city. We always had this protective mental shield in our head that such things dont happen to us. Slowly that mental shield was being penetrated. The possibility of facing something similar here(also provided the recent blasts in the city) has never been this high.

Since I dont have much time right now to burst into an emotional monologue, I’ll just vent out my current train of thoughts:

1. Stop calling it “India’s 9/11”…the media has made this into a catchy title so that the people of our country feel that we are on the same platform as out American “brothers” were years ago. It’s just to make its sound more glorifying. Treating 9/11 as if it was the only terror attack that shook the world is what the media wants. There have been more horrible terror attacks around the world with heart stopping death tolls and damage that could not be narrowed down to the 9/11 attacks.

Somehow I find the “India’s 9/11” tag disturbing on how we are so keen on relating ourselves to Americans.

2. The difference between last post-terror attack speech given by our PM and the current one is only that he might have been sitting 2 inches to the left. The footage looks like it was last shot at 1983 and the sound quality made him sound like a grandfather announcing his final wishes on his death bed. This is National TV for crying out loud.

Plus with the usual clich├ęs like “We will take strict and immediate action” and “We shall no longer tolerate such attacks” are no longer comforting for anyone. Everytime the nation is attacked all we do is tolerate it and hope that it doesn’t happen again. That’s what India has been. Yes, we are a peace loving country…yes, we are Gandhi’s children…but those principles don’t qualify at such times. You can show them the other cheek so long as that we don’t have any cheeks to show, and at the end its we who get burnt.

Everytime we end up like a dog licking its own wounds mentally satisfying itself that it has the strength to suffer more.

If we suffer more than this, there wont be a population to suffer later on. Our nation is on the brink on a violence similar to that of what happens in the middle east.

3. The day the 26/11 attack happened I had surfed a few forums for discussion and was shocked to find the vox populi with a “FUCK OFF PAKISTAN!” posts carelessly put out with a wide range of expletives (some I hadn’t heard of) and venom which just made me realize its all growing into a vicious circle. Now I have nothing against freedom of speech, I am not against the whole feel of the post (whatever that is), but this is what they call a ‘knee jerk’ reaction.

Now I am in no way defending Pakistan, since it has such a dubious repertoire of playing around cunningly with nations on the diplomacy game. But when people without any knowledge of the situation and conformation make assumptions and spew venom like this, its a sad sight. We call the terrorists bastards for they have no heart, why follow them when we have a logical brain to use. But to think without anger and hatred at such times is too much to ask for. For I am one of the angry people.

I had a friend in school who was a Pakistani and I remember once in school when she accidentally did something wrong one of my classmates’ first reaction was “Damn! Never trust these Pakistanis.” This was something that appalled me for a long time, and made me realize how the hatred had been hard wired into our heads. The current snubbing game was a rerun in my head.

Although with the current scenario people with strong opinions are all set and ready for the nation to “wage a war” on our neighbors, but there’s no point in reacting completely on impulse at times when we are so hurt.

The air no matter what will be tense now, and we as a nation have to be strategic and careful about our actions. Improve our diplomatic relations and other things which I don’t think I’m qualified enough to discuss.

4. People saying ,"Terrorists dont have any religion, they dont have a nationality!" .

Well guess what suckers, statistics disagree.

Also Javed Akhtars statement saying something like, 'This is not a time to play the blame game. We should help each other and rise...blah blah blah!'. Found it funny. When you get hit so bad the first thing you would not want to know is who did it to you? Weird Logic man!

Frankly, this is not time to get all cuddly and lovey dovey and release doves into the air...its serious now.

5. The media! With ample number of news channels to chose from, not one… I repeat…NOT ONE had refrained from putting a cheesy title and a theme music + a trailer of the events taking place.

Plus each channel was more interested in who got the sound of the gunfire’s, grenades, glass shatters rather than focusing on the details of what exactly was happening. Now I know, not showing the actually “action” would be like hiding the truth for some people…but when news presenters yell out, “Look Look, [insert news channel here] has the first exclusive shot of the bullet fired/glass shatter/terrorists hand…” that’s when you realize that they they’re not there to tell you the truth and give you information. Its business.

I swear to god it was a pain in the ass. The moment some news info comes in the presenters would beat around the bush buying our valuable time waiting for ‘THE’ moment to tell you the ‘real’ news. Now I may be counter argued by the fact that they have to buy our time since they don’t get confirmed updates for all info. Well I would have have agreed, but when I saw BBC was showing more pertinent news happening in our country(with really bad pronunciations though) I was shocked at what our 20 news channels here had been singing about.

The whole filmy style news reporting had become a farce, a parody. And it was unbearable. Unfortunately since I didn’t have any other sources, I didn’t have any options. Thank god for the remote though.

That’s when I understood that at the scenes of terror some local people had gathered to watch the “tamasha” as if it was a ‘Big Boss’ episode, but it might have been that even they found the news channels bullshiting them.

Whatever events happening, its sad but the harsh reality is the coming few months might not be that bright.

That’s it for now. Have to study.

More on this later!


Sunday, October 26, 2008

A minute of VIsuallyConsciousCOordination(VICCO)

We had our days when we used to witness all those harmless Vicco commercials, pointing and laughing at it without trying to comprehend on the pertinent information it had secretly given us. Overlooking the critical issues it dealt with, we in our movie theaters or in front our idiot boxes felt it was best to ignore the harsh and bitter truth that was spread out on the table!

With the power of current technology termed "youtube" I stumbled onto a video footage that made me realize, made me aware...and more importantly made me write this post!

The footage going by the loosely abstracted term 'commercial' has the power to shake the foundations of our current society. Till now only the elite of the nation understood this, but now its TIME!
Ok, maybe im going too far with this.

Laydees and gentlemans, here it is -

Now did that seem harmless? Seem like those ordinary "commercial" things intended for brainwash?
Alas! My friend...for thy hath not seen beyond the looking glass.

Sample this-

0:01 - The video starts with a glimpse of the world outside. The world of the future! The visuals which might seem familiar. Like the cover of a book...like the covers of every Arthur C Clarke's books!!

Your heart skips a beat!

0:07 - A normal civilian kid casually comes out of the bathroom with a white powdered substance in his hand and in a move that he thought would put Shakespeare to shame, jumps onto a poetic line - "Ahem...Mummy yeh powder kitna mulayam hai, bilkul aapke jaisa!". Now you can sit and excavate all the figures of speech the boy(for simplicity lets call him 'Bunty') has brilliantly put in, but then something ain't right!

Now I'm not a psychoanalyst but when a boy is so fond of a 'white powdered substance' that he uses his own mother as a frame of reference to praise its 'mulayam-ness'...it adds up to only one conclusion. The white powdered substance my friends is...probably cocaine/heroin!

But then you shout "HOGWASH!!" in protest with an argument saying - why would the mother be sitting so idly letting her own child consume this malicious drug?
The answer my friends lies in the government. For this is the dystopian future we are looking at ...where the government allows people to get drugged and high, i.e- its legal! Much like the soma drugs in Aldoux Huxleys Brave New World.

Yes people, there's no point in hiding the truth now.

0:10 - Suddenly a sharp and commanding voice blasts out of nowhere and the mother and bunty face the wall adorned with the speaker and a poster highlighting the words 'Big Brother Is watching you!'. For a fraction of a second they are shocked.
Was it Ramu kaka?
It couldnt be.
Otherwise the sentence would have been "Chotte maalik ko aaj kaunsa powder chahiye?".
There was a camera there. Surveillance. The all seeing eye! (Lord Sauron?)


But then they realize its the government. The voice was to be obeyed. And so in a hypnotic grace the mother stands up with the fluidity and hydraulic movements of a manufactured 'mom' robot (its the bloody future!!). The duo stare blankly at the wall with rapt attention, creeping the audience out at the same time as they obey their masters teachings!!

Longer attention spans due to the drugs

0:33 to 0:43 - The teachings are then projected visually as they are shown how utter garbage separated out to look like neatly arranged useful stuff called 'jadibootiya'(probably an anagram for the name of a narcotic drug) is packaged into yellow boxes and white tubes hovering in mid air with an innocuous label of 'VICCO' on it. So as you can see that is how recycling is gonna be in the future. Pretty much similar to a concept shown in the movie inspired from this "commercial" - Soylent Green.

Procedure : Magic

Also note the double usage of 'V' (i.e- Vicco Vajradanti) here and the red V as its symbol. This later on inspired Alan Moore to write 'V for Vendetta', followed by the movie staying true to the Vicco tradition.

0:47 - The time had come for the real drug. Vicco. And so Bunty with his mothers help gets his first shot and is transformed from the Shakespearean pajama wearing toddler to a drugged Shakespearean pajama wearing toddler. And you are shown how Bunty's hollow lifeless eyes reflect the infinite blankness inside and with a ghastly contented smile which could even make Dracula piss in his pants reflect on the to be disturbing future.

Although if Bunty doesn't have his intake regulated, 20 years later the only place where he would feel at home might be the state asylum.

0:55 - The footage gallops towards the climax with an undefined grace when all of a sudden the viewer is shown the face of the puppeteer, the architect - 'MUNNI'!

The architect

Well, talk about Character Development!!!
All this time she was there with them.
She was a witness. But such subtelty had she improvised till now only to come in as a cameo appearance to fool the regular audience...some who did not even notice her as their persistence of vision was no match for Munni's 'arrival and departure' scene frame rate!

Now we as the popcorn munching audience would have appreciated if Munni came out with a jaw breaking line... some thing like,
"Bunty, your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the matrix. You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you, inexorably, here."

But no, thats not Munni. She's the REAL architect. Its her own subtlety that makes here who she is.

And so the moment comes when the video bar slider touches the 1:00 minute mark and the viewer trembling with fear has bouts of realization.

The truth is out there!

Its ok, you can breathe now.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Chaos Theory

This post is not related to the mathematical concept of 'Chaos theory' in any way as far as I know, just sounded like an appropriate name for this post. These are just ideas and philosophies that I think about in my free time and which may be controversial in a way. So I've edited a lot of stuff to keep it cleaner and readable.

*The best way to live life?
*With no rules.

This has become an often cliched statement, and maybe coming from me it sounds pretty hypocritical. Well I am merely remarking on this concept there as for me it is a something philosophical that I usually do end up thinking about.

Now breaking things down first of all. We live in a world where rules are kept to bring a degree of order. And with this our life has a flow in order to how these rules are followed. Now usually even a minor sidestep away from this order will create a disruption which shall affect whatever that sidestep is linked with. That is how delicate and fragile things are.

We have morals. We have codes. But everything is so widely relative. Although there are a fundamental set of values in society like 'killing a person' would be a crime...still there are exceptions like mercy killings or sacrifices in some civilizations etc. And so a person would be considered more civilized if he/she would be disciplined and act according to that given set of moral codes that define a particular society. Anyone straying away from it would be a criminal or a lawbreaker and would basically suffer exclusion from the group and other charges imposed as per the set of rules.

Now usually in any civilization or a culture a big hand in putting down these set of moral codes is done by Religion. Religion would set its norms for its people, setting beliefs, making the foundations of a persons conscience and other ways to establish order according to what way might seem favorable to the conditions and the environment around them. These rules followed would be loosely called traditions. Now as the rules are set by a religion, all the fundamental rules would still be the same but an outer layer coating of a different attribute is given as to differentiate from another religion. This is done as to avoid a shock among its followers if any new drastic tradition is introduced. No religion in its starting phase would bring something totally from the outside and completely unconventional. This is trans mutation. So by this process things on further processing through the years get refined and follow the objective of establishment of an order.

But as time progresses new rules are introduced as to close out any probability of an event that would disturb the order. Slowly to that degree freedom is to be sacrificed for the sake of security. What we call freedom is barely the word it means. We would say we live in a free world, but aren't we wrong! You see, freedom is considered dangerous. We are made to believe that the world we are in is a free world, just because we stopped perceiving the constraints upon us because they have been made natural. Once there are a certain set of rules imposed upon us and we follow them strictly, we stop recognizing it later on because it would be registered in our subconscious. We live in fear of breaking any rule for the fear of social exclusion, very fundamentally put.

If I stand in a public place and yell "WHAT THE FUCK!"...you could certainly graph out the reaction patterns for the surrounding people. Its a state of shock. I've become immoral. I upset the order to that degree. That's the freedom of speech.

Boiling everything down to a basic level, what exists in everything and everywhere is CHAOS.

And Chaos is the most fundamental thing around, its omnipresent. When we bind this chaos by establishing a rule and we get order. But you know what means, it would still be chaos.
Order is bounded Chaos! Contrary to the popular belief both are not the opposites of each other. The order that we call it is just a derivative of Chaos.
Its funny, but Order is Chaos.

And one more things about Chaos is a closely linked synonym, freedom. Chaos is freedom, a place where anything and everything happens...where there are no morals no conscience...everything is fair...because everything is an action without any repercussion.
That is Chaos!

But now here in the real world what we follow is freedom through order. Freedom through imposing more rules. Hm mm...?
Now lately I've been reading about public surveillance and other forms of security measures. A threat to privacy. Something that motivated me to write the previous post.

Drifting a bit away now... As in today's world there's always a threat to any nation with the growth in terrorism. Security and vigilance do point out to a degree of surveillance proportional to the degree of threat. Imagining that to be a mathematical equation that means one simple thing, what does any organization/government do to have the maximum degree of surveillance.
Answer = Keep the degree of threat to the maximum.
And to obtain this degree involves an easy but disastrous step. Ignore or enforce a security breach, resulting to a disaster, resulting into panic. And people are vulnerable when in panic, as given a choice between security and privacy...anyone influenced enough by the panic attack would choose the former.

The freedom that we live in or live for would take a backseat for survival. Scrutiny is a necessity as to choke any possibility of a disaster. And so a whole new set of rules come into action here at such times of disaster which can affect and change our desired conditions of living. So the biggest ingredient in the recipe for control over the people by setting new constraints is a disaster.

Now Orwell picked the year 1984, and as we see he was horrendously wrong with the timeline. But he may soon be proved not wrong with his predictions.
Big Brother might soon be watching you!

And so, all these morals,codes,rules,laws so established for our sake would be dropped at the hint of trouble. Since nothing is absolute, things are subject to change.

Everything is relative right? There is no absolution.
Except maybe in Chaos. Where any relativity and absolution just doesn't matter!

I've tried to consciously stay out of discussing the topic of "So... what ultimately is the meaning of life?" as to keep things more simple and mainly because I dont know. So eventually, there would be less chaos, right?

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Trapped in a NET

[This is a work of fiction. Any resmeblance to the characters living,dead or in zombie state is merely a coincidence and is to be taken in a light manner by kindly smiling at this web page.]

It was a Saturday, 8 pm . Aditya was there, with the best dress he had in his wardrobe, which meant there wasn't much to choose from. But the white shirt and denim jeans with the black blazer on top did make things look fancy.

The hunt began. He wasn't actually invited to the party, but he knew the security was gonna be lax. And gatecrashing was something he mastered in, usually turning up at weddings and ogling at the food and the women. But this was not the like the previous parties. This one was with a purpose. He had an aim. He actually had come close to the word commitment for the task up at hand, but he chose not to use the 'C' word. And also the other thing that was different was that it was not a wedding or a birthday party. This was the 'rich bitch' party, the party where one woman invites everyone existing in her address book so that 1) She can show off her wealth. 2) She can show off her contacts, all the famous people she knew. 3) To come on page 3 the next day. Aditya was the proud human who claimed to have coined the term 'rich bitch party'. The best part was the reason for the party : nothing. In her defense - It was a Saturday, and parties aren't illegal, are they!

The people here were fascinating. Dressed in their best clothes women and men keep coming wondering why the hell they were invited for no apparent reason. While some women were highly intelligent, as their sense of best dressing was highly linked to the adage - "Less is more!" and thus leaving a very little margin of error for the dress to go wrong. These were the usual victims of Aditya's ogling. And the best thing about these 'rich bitch' parties was that these women liked the fact that there exists a man ogling at them. Aditya did start his usual practice with the girl in black. She seemed familiar, and soon Aditya gave his 'hey-check-me-out' look. But suddenly, Aditya coming back to his senses shoved her off his thoughts.

He realized, this was a 'rich bitch' party...and if any woman here knew that he was wearing a cheap imitation of a 'tag heuer' they would drop him like a hot brick. Also, then again he reminded himself he was on a mission. He would have to fight his desires, and face reality. He had his plan rolling in his head, but distractions kept coming. How would he focus!! But then, as his face turned he saw the woman. She seemed different from the usual conspicuously cleavaged women who adorned the crowd that very same room. She had no artificial make up on, natural. Aditya lost track of what his aim was, and was guided by pure impulse.

Slowly like a predator of the Savannah he made way through the hordes of tall grass, the rest of the people. His prey was in sight. His eyes were locked, yet he didn't want the prey to notice. Inconspicuously, he slid through populated barriers between him and his prey and slowly camouflaged himself with the background. Steadily, he drew nearer and closer...the final pounce! As the confidence of being the predator had reached its climax...suddenly he was back to being Aditya again.

Oh shit! he thought, Now what!!!.
He saw a guy with a tray passing by and picked up a wine glass.

Nonchalantly he walked in with an acute air of confidence and the smile of a vacuum cleaner salesman. He twitched a bit on his way, but with his panache he made it look like a complex salsa step. And now he was close. She was alone, with a drink in her hand. The time had come.

"Hey!" Aditya exhaled a ton of breath along with the word and sustained his smile.
She looked around. She put on a genuine amiable face.
"Hello there. Do I know you ?" her voice a musical note in every word.

"Ummm...no. I mean you can't say... right, its such a small world after all. Frankly speaking I was getting really bored and needed to flex my vocal chords a bit, someone to talk to you know. Apparently most of the women here are only concerned about how much worth stuff they are wearing and who'll get photographed next."

"Ah! I see. I find these parties really boring actually. I'm just here to photograph these people. It's my job! God! Given a choice I would rather go to Afghanistan and get photos of what exactly the world is going through. Sigh! They say i need experience first. I don't understand how taking photographs of these --"

"...Sluts?" Aditya the uncrowned oversmart added.

She smiled.
"Well, not quite what I was looking for, was looking for something more polite. He he. But it'll do. So...what do you do?"

"Well...me. I just passed out with an engineering degree. But I barely value it. This was not the line I wanted to follow. It was just flowing with the trend, you see. I'm more interested in the creative stuff you know. Making films, painting, photography--"

"Wow! which camera do you own?"

"Ummm...i have that thing...the Sony Cyber....Sony Cybercrop?"

"Oh! you mean a Sony Cybershot?"

"Yeah yeah! that one. With carl zeus' lenses...crystal clear stuff."

"Carl Zeiss you mean. Good good. I own this piece." She suddenly conjured up a huge contraption which later made Aditya realize that this is what you get when you stick 3 cybershots back to back.
She continued,"Its a Canon EOS 350d SLR. Got it as a gift. Cool na?"

"Awesome. This thing looks like it can actually stop global warming!"

"Hehe! Well what sort of photography do you like?"

"Nature stuff. Mainly clouds. I see patterns in them. You know, Gods geometry."

"Wow! I wrote an article on a web site lately with that title. Amazing! So then what do you do nowadays?"

"Actually I'm doing nothing at all. Taking a sabbatical n all you know. I keep reading day n night though. Started with pulp stuff but now I'm maturing you see."

"Ahhh! Enlightening. So, whats the latest book you're on?"

"Animal Farm by Orwell."

"Me too. I just finished it. Wow! What a coincidence. Somehow I found it a bit sad though. But its nothing compared to--"

"--1984. well, yeah. But somehow I prefer Huxley's Brave new world. It's more...what do I say...refined!"

"Oh my god! That was exactly what I was gonna say. Are you sure we aren't the same person? He he."

We will be soon, thought Aditya. It was working now. Everything seemed under control.

She was utterly floored and ecstatic with joy. It was evident in her eyes. How could she have met such a guy at such a boring and mundane party, it was like a romantic play. Serendipity! Yet she did not reveal it all from her body language. This meant there was still some last magical spell to be chanted.

"Ok now this." She beamed, "Favorite movie?"

Hook, line and sinker. Exactly what Aditya wanted. The final litmus test. The crescendo had been built up now, time for the climax.

"Shawshank redemption!" Aditya gave a highly exuberant smile and felt like beating his chest to signify the fact that he was the Alpha male of this conversation!

But then, something went wrong. Her face didn't light up as expected. Aditya panicked now.
He asked, "What??"

"Oh nothing! Mine is 'The fountain'."

"No its not. Its Shawshank redemption!"

"He he! I'm sorry. You lost me on this one. We were so close to a high score weren't we?"

"I beg to differ here. Your favorite movie IS the Shawshank redemption!!"

"I actually found it boring. It's too slow."

"That's impossible!" Aditya lost control, "Its clearly stated on your orkut profile!"

"WHAT??? Did you just say my 'profile'??"

The ship had hit the iceberg. All that was left for Aditya to decide was how to sink - 1) A grand finale explosion or 2) An invisible and silent bubble breaking with a pop.

"Ummm....no no....I could have said...ummm... pedophile?"

"Could have?? What? You son of a --" she lifted her camera, or so it looked like a machete from where Aditya was standing.

"--hey let's just all be calm here okay!". It's interesting how the word 'calm' catalyzes something that is completely its semantic opposite.

"Calm!! CALM!! I know you now! You're that loverboy_007 guy on orkut right? You do all this in depth research and the hunt women down, dont ya! My freind told me about you. How dumb do you think I am? The nerve of you to send me scraps and a friend request! You filthy PERVERT!"

All the people around them were watching the delightful show. Some of the women just drew close to the 'scene' having high hopes of being photographed for the papers. The problem here was that the photographer was the assailant and the camera was her primary weapon.

Unfortunately, for Aditya he just had the epiphany on why the camera was named a 'Canon'. And he was in it's blast radius.

The was a loud thud.
Nobody died.
Yet there is no record if anybody present in the scene lived happily ever after.

Moral of the story : We live in a world where our privacy is controlled by a check box and a mouse click.

Monday, August 25, 2008


Just a small thought.

So, how do we understand or Learn a new idea. Basically, we have a set of fundamental ideas installed in our mind since the beginning of our learning process. The most basic I can think right now is numbers and alphabets and visual aids used for understanding, there is a deeper level of logic and reasoning that I shall no think about right now in order to not clutter up my neural connections!

So everything dissolves down to or is built from our basic predefined notions that are introduced to us through our learning. As we are exposed to a new concept or an idea, we would join two or more of our fundamentals in maybe a 'complex'(not necessarily) manner to form a new pattern of understanding. So as we are taught derived units are taken from a set of fundamental units!

So, what happens for example, when one of the fundamental concept is unknown to us. Taking things in an algorithmic sense there would be a decision :
1. Go back and build the fundamental
2. Derive the fundamental from its derived learning(if known)...which is kinda a paradox since we're going the other way around.

Now, option 1 is the most reliable choice, but option 2 is usually a choice in order to save time. Now option 2 is risky, because it is the equivalent of 'assuming' a fundamental concept. But somehow it might be a new view point to look at something. And so after established our derived fundamental we would question its validity. Now this is the part which puts the 'fun' in fundamental...it mostly will lead to the actual fundamental or be somewhat close to it...or be an interesting but awkward theory which would probably sound like something out of a comic book.

But it would be a process that might lead to new concepts or a discovery. Now as we see in history, thats how fundamentals are based. By observing a complex derived thing, breaking it down to fundamentals...and giving a cool name or probably your own name to a theory that you can explain!!

Reverse engineering?? hmmmm??

But still that doesn't make option 1 obsolete in any way, its a classic right? And that's what my friend Jinal would be thinking...since he uses a awkward amalgamation of options 1 and 2 which a lot of people may be at a loss for comprehension!

Now reading this a time after reading it, it looks like a bunch or rand words...much like William Burroughs Cut up technique[link].

This post is dedicated to the "Concept-Man" and todays Birthday Boy and a best friend, Jinal!!

Saturday, August 16, 2008


The whole theme and a few posts of my blog play around the reference of insanity/madness. But today was something that scared my soul out of me. I had not slept yesterday night since I was out with my friends, so as I reach home I promptly drop off on the bed. Now its a normal observation that when people are woken up from deep sleep just for some small reason the person tends to get pissed. Losing precious sleep, thats a loss. Yes, it has occurred to me time to time...but not at this magnitude. Today something was different.

I was asleep and mom was there telling me something, though I don't remember it clearly it was something about her having some work to do that my require my help. Now I was mumbling some incoherent stuff as any person in my state of sleep would. Mom kept poking me for a while and was angry that I wasn't even giving a slight response.

She then said," You're face looks like one of those drug addicts." . Somehow this I heard clearly. And it triggered something in me. I wasnt awake when all this happened coz I was really tired. But what I did was I could recall really well. I stood up all of a sudden and started shouting, "Me! I'm a drug addict!" , my voice was so shrill it sounded as if it was coming from somewhere else. My body was out control. Having weird and acute spasms as my hands and legs started writhing in awkward positions. I couldn't stand and I fell on to the bed.

At that time I had the weirdest feeling, as if I fell into a cobweb. I felt it stick all over me. I violently tried to remove it. I could see there was nothing there, still my skin felt something sticking. I was crying helplessly. I couldnt make sense. I couldnt see properly cause half my brain was still asleep. My Mom watched in horror and tried to get hold of my hand. I was still having those spasms.

Then Mom's hand came. Mom, my angel. She held me close and pampered me as If I was a small child. I was still sobbing. Mom gave me that me that one warm embrace which suddenly freed me off all the insanity. I came to my senses.

What was I doing!! What has happened to me!!

I cried," Please help me! I don't know whats happening. Please!" . Mom just held me closer. I didn't need words. I was freed. The darkness was gone. My Mom, how I love my Mom.

She put me back to bed. Put a thin blanket on me and caressed my hair. I slept like a baby.

I woke up a while later all of a sudden, figuring if it was a dream or real. When do we actually know its a dream? I then touched my face and felt dried tears. It was real. I couldn't believe it was me. It seemed like I was possessed. This is one of those things I wish I could forget, but there's no point in that. When things come up against the best would be to face it, so that when similar things come in the future you would be prepared with the previous experience.

This time I wont question my sanity. Because I am scared. Are my doubts the one who gave birth to it. I would not want to know now. For now I am me. And right now, it barely seems like a silly statement...its the most important thing!

My Mom's leaving for Lucknow tomorrow. Just for two days. But I feel like me when I was 8 years old. Mom away from the house meant Mom wasn't gonna be there around may it be for 2 days. I want her to be here. Oh by the way, I'm 19 now. And still feel like a small kid. For I donno if this is the part of being an adult, or if this should be a part of anything at all!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Was I dreaming?

'But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.

'Oh, you can't help that,' said the cat : 'We're all mad here.
I'm mad. You're mad.'

'How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.

'You must be,' said the cat ,'Or you wouldn't have come here.'

-Lewis Carrol
'Alice's Adventures In Wonderland'

Sunday, August 03, 2008


It was friendship day.

It was a really really lonely day!

A secret

Everyone has secrets.

I would like to state the fact that its a funny world we live in, but the word 'funny' just seems askew. Even to the person who you could maybe share all the stuff that you have inside of you, all of your secrets...there maybe be this one single deep dark thing that you just might not want to say...or maybe you don't say it because you dont know it. This one thing, hidden in the labyrinth of thoughts. Its sometimes not lack of trust or the expected reaction that might scare from revealing this dark secret, its just the revealing. Although trust does play its major role in this, there are times when its not a factor.

And there are those secrets which are made not meant to be a secret. There is no 'method' of differentiating this, maybe its instinct. Like the ones you keep a secret so that you can let it out later and connect. In any relation(well most of them) sharing secrets is the most vital part in connecting and knowing the other person. Because you're getting access to information which very few or no one else has been granted.

There are so many things we have to say when we talk. We sometimes do run dry on conversations. Does a secret help? Well that barely matters.

There's always this thing that you might never want to say, a part you never wanted to open up...a part for yourself maybe. A secret is such that what connects people so instantly, but on the other hand it might play as the most caustic solvent in breaking things. Sharing it is sharing a part of you. But sometimes its not always about sharing, its understanding the difference for that person of what is to be shared and whats not.
Respecting secrecy. A tough thing to do, really really tough.
But willing to go through all that mind power to kill that curiosity to find out that secret(by any means).
Thats friendship i guess. :)

Happy Friendship day!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Thank you Alanis

The best and the worst thing about this journey : the unexpectedness. And weirdly the 'unexpectedness' always is a product of expecting something...coz you expect "normal" stuff to happen. Ironic is it?

"It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife."
- Ironic, Alanis Morisette

Do I love it?
Despise it?
Let things flow?
Leave it to "Time"?

Sometimes it feels so important to know what you really really want.
And then you set out on a journey to just "know" it thoroughly, takes the fun away.

Speculation and the question : "Is life really that boring?"!

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Dark Knight

Just came back from the new batman movie...that is -

THE DARK KNIGHT (spoken in a hoarse creepy voice to add the effect).

Yes, in all the dark splendor that Hollywood has to offer...but not to be confused with the other dark (k)night -

M.Night Shyamalan

Ok, So I go to the movie plex...get a seat for 110 bucks and expect the normal "Yaaay! Hero saves the day stuff." that all the recent superhero movies are cliche'd with. But remember this is the "dark" knight...so things would tend to get creepy, right? And they do.

I have admired Christian Bale for his acting mainly for his role in 'American Psycho' (creeped the shit outta me), and here he comes with the sequel looking 'batty' as ever. But what ho! There's a showstealer here...Heath Ledger as the joker that is. And oh my holy dog! he's defined the qualities of a villian. Makes Jack Nicholson Joker look like a chimpanzee wearing a pink tutu and frolicking around. Yes, I do agree Jack Nicholson was creepy as the joker...but it was just the face. And frankly he needs no make up to look creepy, The Shining and A few good men was a proof of that. But Ledger whirrs past way ahead of him, scoring somewhere near Hannibal Lecter.

Now there's this thing about batman which other superheroes dont have. He wasn't bitten by a radioactive bug, wasn't from some faraway planet, wasn't involved in a toxic waste accident. He's a normal guy, like you and me. So there's this thought that I could also become batman someday. But first I'll have to become a millionaire. Ummmm...build an underground batcave. Have the US military R&D working under me...etc etc. You get my point...possible stuff you see.

And here the batman doesn't locate a crime and exclaim - "To the Batmobile!".
Tho' that was Robin's dialog...and there are some batman expressions which suggests he does miss his partner.
"We are sooo gay!"
But the prequel did show how he evolved to become a trained vigilante warrior of justice. Realistic explanations for the weapons he used and the "batmobile" too. And in this sequel he whips out a "bat-bike" or whatever its called.

Through all these years we have seen batman evolve-

From Adam West's horrifically hilarious hand made haloween costume

"I beat bad guys by the mere stupidity of this pose!"

To the more superior and far more cooler Christian Bale version -
"Okay! this isnt funny, who stole my pants!"

And thats what makes you think...aesthetic appeal does matter when it comes to kickin' badass villains.

And the movie triumphs on this occasion too, since there are many scene's where you go...."Whoa!! that's freakin awesome!". But apart from the ass kicking its the plot and the situations where the viewer gets engrossed. Its a wild goose chase where you'll have to figure out who's chasing who. Anarchy and chaos at its best!!
And with a 152 minute runtime, you wont come out complaining "Man! that could've been longer!". Yes! It is the best batman movie ever for now, but what makes it more interesting that its one of the best movies you'll get to see too.

I did follow a lotta batman through the cartoon's when I was a kid. So Harvey Dent's character as 'Two-Face' seemed just okay for me. The only disappointment in the movie was Nestor Carbonell as the mayor of gotham with a coal black eyeliner(Now thats funny!). And a pleasant thing to see that the plastic Katie Holmes was booted out and exchanged for a better Maggie Gyllenhaal, tho she barely gets much screentime. Michael Caine is well all Caine-like and patches up with Christian Bale after their showdown in The Prestige acting all wise old manlike...well if you were so smart then why didnt you put the batsuit on eh, alfie?

So there you have it. No homoeroticism(link) in this episode of the bat crusader. All you have is kick ass action, a well enough runtime, the joker, and en expression that makes you ask
" Why so seriousss??"
4/5 for me on this movie.

Thats all.
For now.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A stolen thought

Things keep happening around in life. I never chose to participate in any event around me till now. Always waited for opportunity to come and knock at my door. Since that never happened I have not ventured out fresh into this world of goin and giving my own best shots. May it be music,drama,technical events...whatever. Participation! A very fresh discovery for me.

Somehow , in a few ways I do regret it that I've been so dormant all through. I never was sure enough if I would have been good enough. And that "What If I lost?" always hovered in my head. Once or twice I might have taken part. Lost...eventually suppressing me more. Now, interestingly that all has faded away to a large extent, though not completely. But I'm satisfied.

Now one real important thing I've learned till now is that we always have this sharpening to perfection attitude in us in which before we undertake a given task we lay our focus totally on the preparations and be real sure about everything to the extent of validating double checks on each and every attribute required. And when finally comes the stage for the execution of that task, turns out everything or nearly everything goes wrong and haywire. I'm not against planning things. Its the attitude that we have do keep a check on ourselves to be sure of what we're doing rather than goin ahead and doing it.

And then there are times when a task is taken up and all you do is gun it, carry it forward making no conscious checks or having pangs of self doubts of authenticated perfection. As Nike said, 'Just do it'. Thats when things work out. Thats when things start flowing and the true work comes out. So its to come out of that state of over consciousness and go ahead with a target. This is something very similar to what Chris Adler(Drummer of Lamb of god, an Idol to me) said on the Killadelphia DVD.

So thats the message.
Once you feel something strong(may be any magnitude), don't just sit and plan it.
Just do it!

(Hope I dont get sued by Nike for this!)

Saturday, June 28, 2008

My Fall

I stood on the edge
I fought in my mind
A degree discontent
Seared in my head.

I forget where I am
I look to the sky
The wind passes me
I feel that I fly.

Floating with no wings
Light as a feather
Drowned into happiness
Blinded surrender.

Away and I move
Progress on digress
The air that soothes
A careful caress.

With wings I cant see
No sound that I hear
A moment I'm free
The next in fear.

My heart it stops
I ended my trip
Reality knocks
As hard as it hits.

This ground that I face now
The journey so far
Falling from grace
My surrender to god!

Friday, June 27, 2008

Of bands and sleeplessness

Since last year jan I've been inducted into the local rock scene by guitar-ing my way to a stage shows with 'Morbid Genesis'. N then came a one show with 'Untouched corpse', further moved onto 'Niflheim'...a show with 'Overdrive' too. But all this time it was mostly about covering songs, practicing 3 days before the show, and just plain screwin and jumpin around on stage. Never took it seriously coz of this and so it was highly sidetracked, since things were not the way I expected them to be.

Meeting Soumitra after a few months, he comes with a proposal of joining/forming a new progressive metal band. And this time it was serious. Then Shubham(another guitarist) tagged along to form the fundamental core of the current band. Things seemed a bit loose for me at the initial phase coz Soumitra(a.k.a Chutu) seemed really excited like a kid aiming to be on the moon just by looking at it. I wanted a big kick start so that there was some check on the seriousness that we might put in the band. Unfortunately my exams were goin in.

Going thru the nomenclature procedure was and is(since we're still nameless) a pain in the butt. We started off with 'String Theory', moved on to 'Lake Thor' and then came 'Blackville' (my favorite) and then onto 'BloodRush', and the manically depressing 'Mahasagar'.

My exams got over and so we took off with the band. Our main aim was making original compositions. This didn't take much time, Soumitra already had some tracks ready so the composition part was brief. We didn't look forward to piling up the track count, coz all we needed right now were a few songs for a demo tape. The main aim was to record these tracks to 'spread the music' and wait for reviews.

The recordings started. And then I came to know how it really felt like. Recording leave alone a whole track, just a riff for the track took us six straight nocturnal hours. Backbreaking it was, but on the other hand it was really fun. Playing guitar seriously knowing that If I play this well someone outside might hear it and like it. Wow! felt extraordinary. There was this drive inside to keep practicing for my clarity and sound. I worked on a single riff right thru an hour and still I wasn't bored of it. This is how awesome it feels! Making music. Pure Fun.

And its wasn't only the music that I really enjoyed, it was the company too. Me, Chutu and Shubham gelled in along so well considering that I didn't know Chutu that well before and never met Shubham till 3 weeks back. We kept on cracking really awful PJ's, torturing each other mentally, laughing like lunatics, jumping around, playing music...and all this was midnight to morning at my place.

We've not been really successful in the recording process so we had to delay the process in search of better equipment. But all the recording was not in vain coz from the amount of work we three put in it was clear what our commitment level to making music was. Crystal!

My sleep patterns got really skewed though, a bit insomnia has set in(if thats what I can call it!). But all this while I never felt this serious considering music something close to a career option.
The best part is I was going through my old diary written when I was 15. I had written this - " I'll be a guitarist of a band one day. A Rockstar."
Well the term 'Rockstar' is pretty embarrassing, but reading that really made me feel this great overwhelming happy feeling.

I'm here now, where I wanted to be!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The House I called Home

A lot of things in life varying in significance are taken for granted. The belief that 'its' just there and would always be'. And later to come to know that there are forces at work which would would go against this inside belief might add a painful level of shock.

I just came to know a few days back that my dad's place at Kodungaloor(kerala) is gonna be locked up, and if it follows suit like my mom's old place...probably get demolished in the future. This was something that would never have come to my head when I was there. I usually go there on vacations to visit my relatives. This house was huge, there were like 5 rooms, a pond, a ground, a garden, a fountain, an outhouse, a well, a stable and had that typical big Kerala family house thing to it. For me it was like a sanctuary during my vacations.

I still remember sometimes when I used to go with mom I used to make a fuss that I wanted to go over to dad's place coz I didn't like it at mom's place where there was no one my age. It was just going to Kodungaloor to this house where each room was inhabited by one of my uncle's or aunt's. And to go there and be greeted by so many people of your family all together - wow!

I do agree that I'm not much into the joint family living thing and all but I guess during the vacations when I used to go there it felt really warm to be in presence of so many people. There was this whole cousins 'gang' thing, usually the 'behenlog'(sisters) used to sit in a room and discuss girly( my ignorance to their topics of interest made me choose this label) stuff and me and my bhailog(brothers) would be out playing cricket or badminton r something. The best part was that a few of my uncle's and my dad would also join us while playing, and that was really awesome. I always used to go during the vacations so everyone would be free at that time.

Sometimes in the morning all of the cousins would go to the pond just to play around in the water, had some really fun times there. I was dead scared of deep waters actually mainly coz I was not a swimmer, but it was really fun just splashing around, relaxing in the sun...etc. The whole 'attempts to swim' would make us all really hungry and so off we would run to the bathrooms to clean ourselves up and be the first to reach the dinner table. Its always rice n sambhar alongwith assorted spices n subzi's n stuff in Kerala, you can't expect domino's of course...but eating the typical 'Kerala-south Indian' food felt like heaven. Though I frankly admit there used to be times when I would get bored of the rice too, but it added the whole 'authenticity' of being 'in' Kerala. After dinner we would either be talkin, watchin TV, or takin a siesta.

The evening would start with 'tea-time', and so there would be some awesome ladoos, mysore paks and other sweets with tea n coffee. Munch munch and then straight to the ground for us 'guys'. Our play would end and we would join our sisters expecting some delightful conversation eventually being shooed off or being given 'the look'. So there would be this time frame where we(as in the bhailog) would be put to thought about what all stuff would they be talking about the whole vacation that kept them so busy. Hmmm... never found out. Sigh.

There always was a power cut from 8-9 P.M. there. So everyone of use would sit outside in the semi darkness with just the moonlight. All the bhailog and behenlog would finally get together and play all sorts of kiddie games like 'red letter', 'chor police', 'lock n key' blah blah...and I guess nobody would be conscious of their own age. The joy of being a kid again, Ahhh!

Nightime, it was dinner and zap off to sleep. People used to sleep pretty early there sometimes. But me and brothers would just wake up late talking about all ummmm....may I say 'manly' stuff. Really fun, especially when my brother would make up this whole story about a 'hot encounter' he had with this girl in class. I used to listen with my mouth wide open and believe all the crap. I never made my own story, I was really bad at it...more plainly speaking - I sucked. We would all try to stay up till the morning but we would quickly drop one by one to increment the sleeping casualty toll.

Years went on. People started growing. Some of the bhailog and behenlog were too mature to be with the kids now so they would be spotted more often with the aunts and uncles talking about more serious issues. The groups got smaller.

The marriage bug came in. One after the other people would leave off to somewhere else. Their membership to the whole 'gang' had expired. I always knew this would happen, but I never prepared myself for the change coz as dumb as I might have been I thought the people would still be the same after marriage. And thats not how it was. The gaps set in. They now had their own children to take care of. What would we talk about when we met, I barely knew any part of adult life. Though I do say there was a 'gap', but it was not a bad one as it may seem from the word...the warmth would still be there, we would talk about the 'old-days' as if we were all sexagenarians. But that feeling of being a 'care-free' child slowly slipped away. Responsibilities had now crept in...there were priorities to manage. And I was still somewhere figuring it out.
Families started clearing the big old house to go off and live alone in the small new one. People split up to places.

We grew up. The frequency of playing had considerably decreased. Being in the same room with some of the remnants of the 'gang' just turned out to be a vestigial procedure. Now there was just me,my sister, my other two cousin brothers and their sisters. All the brothers were of the same age...all the sisters - same age.

Last year, one of my sisters got married. She's in Australia now, happy. My other cousin sister would get married this December. My own sister, well...she would soon be haunted by the "Woman! Its time you got married." bug. Me and my brothers, the survivors (for the moment!!!).

Things are not same anymore. Thats life they say. Though through all this topsy turvy of a journey there is one common thing which we all shared that still exists - The house. The house where it all was. A representation of our memories, stored in the walls of this abode. Calling it a mere dwelling was a laugh. It means a lot more to me. And I probably couldn't bare to witness it evacuated and locked up. But that sometimes is that hardest part of life, swallow and move on. Accept the ways. It feels horrible but not many options to ponder on.

I would soon be going there. To bare witness to the splendor that was, that is. Its my home away from home.

And as everyone knows...there's no place like Home!

Saturday, May 24, 2008

A long shower

A favorite tag word often used for people my age. Usually its associated to getting "free" from being under rules, taking ones own decisions etc etc... you get my point, right!

I have this contemplating time period in a day while I stand extremely still under the shower and and think on...everything. The day, my life,' Am I happy?', 'am I sane today?' and stuff like that. And it really helps. That cool feeling goes through my body and feels as if the water purifies every negative thought or gives me the resistance.

Freedom. Some of my friends always count the number of days they'll be free to be on their own feet. No parents to bug around , no one to tell you what to do...although with the whole "revolution" in communication, scrutinizing surveillance is 'easier than stealing candy from a baby'(quote : Mr.Burns, Simpsons). Nobody would obviously think of the burden of responsibility that would be present. Its like this - if the chocolate cake looks extremely delicious you're not gonna stand there and count the calories. And yeah anyways it not "soooo" tough living alone and being free, is it? We always have that sense of over confidence that if I can survive these 20 years of my life I can go ahead and do what I want.

The words has a lotta ambiguous meanings linked with it, depends on the situation. Where's the freedom when you run outta money while you're supposed to be working, is it gonna be 'mommy and daddy' to rescue?

Maybe I'm not even old enough to write this stuff. It's part of being an 'adult'!!
Oh yes, the being an 'adult' brings all sorts of oooh's and aaah's with it, I'm still a kid tho' pretending to be an 80 year old experienced veteran.

And yet there are these times when you just can take it when you're given 'orders', you shout out - I wanna be alone, somewhere else...anywhere else but this!
Sounds familiar?
No? Then stop reading I guess.

So many genre's, so dangerous...yet so tempting.
Solitude is.

But whatever we do, all the dilemma's , all the indecisiveness, the crossroads... follow your gut,
the grass is always gonna be greener on the other side!! (?)

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Con Air!

I remember watching Con Air when it was released, we had this VCR and the cassette was a bad quality camera print i think. I barely understood the movie coz o the quality and turned it off. 8 years laters when I saw it again, it gained access to my favorite movie list. The best thing about the movie are the dialogs, sheer splendid stuff. This is the movie in which I really appreciated John Malkovich for his role as Cyrus the Virus.

Here are some memorable quotes from the movie :

* [Holding a gun up to the head of a stuffed pink bunny]
Cyrus Grissom: Make a move and the bunny gets it.

* Cyrus Grissom: I despise rapists. For me, you're somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corners of your mouth when you're really thirsty. But, in your case, I'll make an exception.

* Garland Greene: What if I told you insane was working fifty hours a week in some office for fifty years at the end of which they tell you to piss off; ending up in some retirement village hoping to die before suffering the indignity of trying to make it to the toilet on time? Wouldn't you consider that to be insane?

* [to the pilot whom he is holding at gunpoint]
Cyrus Grissom: Say a word about this over the radio, and the next wings you see will belong to the flies buzzing over your rotting corpse!

* Vince Larkin: Do you understand me, or do you need me to draw it in crayon, like usual?

* Garland Greene: He's a font of misplaced rage. Name your cliche; Mother held him too much or not enough, last picked at kickball, late night sneaky uncle, whatever. Now he's so angry that moments of levity actually cause him pain; give him headaches. Happiness, for that gentleman, hurts.

* William 'Billy Bedlam' Bedford: Have you lost your mind?
Cyrus Grissom: According to my last psych evaluation, yes.

* Duncan Malloy: What's with "dictionary-boy" over here?
Vince Larkin: I believe "thesaurus-boy" would be more appropriate.

* Baby O: What's wrong with him?
Cameron Poe: My first guess would be... a lot.

* Vince Larkin: Cyrus, where are you taking my plane?
Cyrus Grissom: We're going to Disney Land.
Vince Larkin: You're lying, Cyrus.
Cyrus Grissom: So are you, Vince.
[singing mockingly]
Cyrus Grissom: Ohh... nothing makes me sadder than the agent lost his blader in the... aaaiirrrplane
[throws the headset he's using]

* Cyrus Grissom: Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I have the only gun on board. Welcome to Con Air.

* Johnny 23: Do you know what I am?
Cameron Poe: Ugly all day?

* Vince Larkin: This one has done it all: kidnapping, robbery, murder, and extortion. His name is Cyrus Grissom, A.K.A. Cyrus the Virus. Thirty-nine years old, twenty-five of them spent in our institutions. But he's bettered himself on the inside. Earned two degrees, including his juris doctorate. He's also killed eleven fellow inmates, incited three riots, and escaped twice. Likes to brag he's killed more men than cancer. Cyrus is a poster child for the criminally insane. He's a true product of the system.
Duncan Malloy: What's that supposed to mean?
[Malloy looks back at Sims]
Duncan Malloy: What is he, one of these sociology majors who thinks we're responsible for breeding these animals?
Vince Larkin: No, but I can point a few fingers if it would make you feel comfortable.

* [after seeing a Corvette being towed in the air by a plane]
Cameron Poe: On any other day, that might seem strange.

* ["Sweet Home Alabama" plays in background]
Garland Greene: Define irony: a bunch of idiots dancing around on a plane to a song made famous by a band that died in a plane crash.

* Cameron Poe: Sorry Larkin, but there's only two men I trust. One of them's me. The other's not you.

* Cyrus Grissom: Thank you Poe, you've proven to be a most useful mammal.
Cameron Poe: Many hands make light work. My father taught me that.
Cyrus Grissom: Know what my father taught me? Nothing.
Cameron Poe: Self-educated man.

* Cyrus Grissom: It's not difficult to surmise Nathan's feelings towards killing these guards; and my own proclivities are well-known and often-lamented facts of penal lore.

* Vince Larkin: "The degree of civilization can be judged by its prisoners." Dostoyevsky said that... after doin' a little time.

* Cyrus Grissom: Considering my audience, I'm going to make this very quick and very simple.
[points to objects in the sand]
Cyrus Grissom: This is the boneyard, this is the hanger, this is our plane.
Con #1: [points] What's that?
Cyrus Grissom: That's a rock!
[knocks it out of the way]
Con #1: Okay.

* Cyrus Grissom: Where's the plane Cindino?
Francisco Cindino: It'll be here, have patience.
Cyrus Grissom: The last guy who told me to have patience, I burned him down, bagged his ashes.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Men will be Men

Stretch! Yawn!
"McGrath is awesome...this is where all the experience kicks in." I comment after watching an almost maiden over bowled by the Delhi Daredevils fast-medium pace bowler.
Kushal and Sahil nod in agreement.

There it was on the idiot box, the Delhi Daredevils Vs. Rajasthan Royals. IPL at one of its best.

I stretch more. Relaxed and getting back to the match.
This is how I spent my evening yesterday with the "guys", i.e - My old school friends Kushal and Sahil. It was all the old memories coming back, when we used to be glued to the TV watching an ODI and cheering for India(or sometimes the winning side!) and then during the breaks we used to play 'handy' cricket with a sponge ball in the living room. These were the 'get-togethers' we had pre-high school days.

We met after a few 'months' yesterday, yet the best thing(or thats what I see it as) is that we don't go into all the tight hugging and "Man! its been so long!"...I enter with a casual 'Hey!Watsup?' and the next moment we're discussing about the current match. That is the awesome part with these guys in a way, we never had to tell each other any intimate stuff, share secrets or lament on how screwed things were. It's all about the time that we meet. Let the past be the past, which is really relaxing in a lotta ways.

So here we were, lying on the sofa. Jumping on boundaries being hit, cursing the fielders, giving pieces of advice to the bowlers...hey! as long as we aren't in the match there's no pressure on us, right? So whats wrong in some harmless criticism.

[By the way I had lost complete faith and interest in Cricket when I was around 16-17, and stopped following it completely. But that's when I hooked on to F1, Soccer and Tennis matches. With the current IPL trend taking over, I have been a victim of this new format of the so called 'Gentleman's Game'. Amen to that!]

Its when I got an sms which said "Men! Men! Men!" from Dagny, on updating her with my then-current state that I realized this is how 'Men!' are always pictured to be. Being with a group and watching a sport(we also kept on switching to the English Premiere League once in a while!) and cheering, shouting n what not. Being Lazy was another perspective, but I refrain from acknowledging that point of view. Yet somehow I felt all 'Manly' about myself in weird ways, which I don't usually.

This was rarely the way I spend my time with my other friends. I never felt all that masculine and testosterone driven in any way. Thats why yesterday it felt all different but new. I still couldn't calculate my thoughts in my head and come to any conclusion on that.

Anyways we had 'hum-pum' paneer(muchos splendido!) and lotsa garlic bread which was great and a bit of green apple vodka(thank you Russia!) for that manly touch. And had a great time reuniting and feeling a bit nostalgic.

Wish I had taken a pic with all three of us yesterday, we dont even have one such photo. But sometimes leaving it to the memory can be more fun. :)


Saturday, May 03, 2008

In Dependence

I've been trying hard since a few weeks to be with myself alone, as to know 'what' I am. It sounds all too heavy and spiritual and stuff, but its really quite simple. All I want to do is identify myself as another person so that I can be with myself and not be afraid of being alone, coz even if end up being alone sometimes I would still have someone - Me!

I admit it - I am really really dependent on the people around me...when it comes to work and even emotionally. When I breakdown emotionally I confide everything to any of my friend even though he/she is not my best(est) friend...and I do not weigh at that time that how the information that I'm disclosing would have any consequences or not. When I'm emotional I just cling onto someone. Lately I found out that, that is a really big weakness that I have.

Yes yes, friends are there for us all the time. 'A friend in need is a friend in need' and all that stuff, but I land up getting too dependent on others. I only visualize myself as a helpless fog, with no solidarity. And such moments I fail to acknowledge my strength in order to borrow it from others, it really makes me weak. And I never realize this at the right time. I keep on looking for support all around. Someone to confide in or just let out those bitter things to take weight off my chest. Maybe I might be getting too extreme on the 'be with myself' part, but in no way do I mean that I won't socialize and be alone on an island.

Yes, I do crave for solitude sometimes but not every time. I have such wonderful people around me whom I could probably not live without. No man is an island, right?

Since a few weeks I've been learning to be less dependent. Now I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, though I feel better in some ways. I guess I feel more strong and capable to take stuff on my own and have my own feelings and intuition to work on something rather than being dependent on what others might think of it. It's that sense of freedom 'to be' and not 'to be for'.

When I get all emotionally heavy, frustrated or disturbed I go into this blankness...sort of like a meditation mode. I switch my mobile phone off usually, coz my phone is the thing which keeps me connected to the people around me and as long as its on I still am connected and ummm...can I say...bound(?) in a way. Even if I try to free my mind I would still think of the messages and the missed calls that I'll be missing. So I go off line and try to figure out things and be with myself and take the whole emotional responsibility. Although the bad part in this is that I only come back online when I'm totally sure about myself...so sometimes that takes more than the estimated time to be online.

Now, in now way when I'm doing this means that I'm running away from my responsibilities. That is far from what I intend. All I need is just a little time to know myself. Sometimes this sounds like total hogwash, bullshit or whatever you may call it...this is how things are going on for me now. Maybe I would be clearer about this whole thing later on, we'll see!

I still thought of a lot more things to write about this...maybe next time!


Sunday, April 27, 2008


Out of all the things that you do, never stop treasuring the greatest gift that you have been given. The gift of life.

When you're sad or you feel low, that never means that you're not living your life. It's when you try to stop feeling things around you, when you make yourself numb and so try not to feel anything because you're afraid...thats when you stop living.

To not feel, to deny it...that is the greatest crime.

Whenever that feeling of sadness overcomes you, close your eyes and feel it pass through you. Dont deny it's presence, it still is there. Touch, hear, see, FEEL...that's what makes you different. Perception.

Even if you're sad you're still feeling sadness. Nobody said life was only about being happy. Make sure you live it, unwrap this gift. Once again I stress - Feel it!

Anything you do, there is a reason for it. Its for you to experience that reason. To go through it and be a part of things. To belong in this world. To be the one who belongs.

Love yourself and Love this Gift!

SuperHuman Samurai : Syber Squad

Long before I was blessed with the gift of cable T.V. local channels 'DD1' and 'DD Metro' were the only visual treats I was accustomed to. I remember being a kid, being back home from school happily bouncing around, throwing my water bottle and bag on the couch and celebrating the merry occasion of the end of a day at school.

4:30 PM - Flick. The T.V. is switched on and I jump in pure glee as its another episode of 'SuperHuman Samurai'!! Wheeeeeeee!!

I was a religious follower of this show. Sam Collins,Servo,Tanker, Syd, Amp,Lucky, Malcolm, KiloKahn (Looked a lot like shredder)...Man!
All Sam Collins had to do was strum his electric and utter "Let's Samuraize, Guys!" !! Way too coool!
I found some of the episodes on youtube...nostalgia. God it was fun back then!!!

I always used to screw up the intro song lyrics by putting my own interpretation, finally now I figured it out. Phew!
Here it goes -
" Super Human Samurai [Guitar riff]
Super Human Samurai [Guitar riff, muffled by sounds of bolts of electricity]
They're gonna F it up [Ahhhh! 'f' it up, eh??]
Kick Some gigabutt [How nerdy!]
They're gonna rip it up [I think I had a crush on Robin Mary Florence(Syd)!! She was really cute.]
A hero always makes the cut! [Oh! he does more than that. :)]
Super Human Samurai [Guitar riff + Kilokahn in one of his happy moods]"

Note the 'S' in Syber. Now that's RAD man!!!
Good ol' days. *cough cough*

"To Servo and to protect!"

Friday, April 25, 2008


Been youtube surfin a lot these days, sad part is that the main surfing goes on after 2 in the morning coz thats when its free.
Ok so was just goin thru some random videos and pop - Bambi meets godzilla

Saw this video when I was a kid, it cam on 'splat' which was a show about animation on the discovery channel. Freakin funny the first time you see it!

We the equals

Few days back me and few of my classmates were sitting in our college garden and talkin about the whole engineering college admission system, how our college sucks, and how this new academic year students are gettin a hell lotta more options than us to stay in ahmedabad.

Two other seniors joined in and went on about their views about the whole thing and at a point started preaching a bit. They're seniors right!

We were cursing how the whole OBC quota and other SC/ST things were ruining our chances of getting into better places. Due to this the major part of our college has such 'special' category students, which makes the overall quality of the students hit rock bottom. All of us sitting there started bashing about the whole division and the extra privilege that the OBC students get.
Really vented out there. Profanities flying around like bats in a cave.

And then as we were talking this other student walks and sits near us.

We stay silent for a while. And then ask him about his admission days.
"Got in through the ST quota.",he sulks...though not sure what his reason was. Later we found out that he got only half of the marks that the rest of us sitting there had scored.
At a point I felt like a fool sitting there. Then I thought,"Well these guys might be finding it really tough to even pay the college fees, so its not as if its all sunshine n daisies for them I guess."

Suddenly someone's mobile starts ringing...its the latest hit hindi pop song (donno which one tho!). Its the ST guys phone. "Yeah! OK. Be there in half an hour.", he sticks the phone into his ear. Gives a contented smile to the rest of us and exhibits his new shining N92.

Bah! Life's not fair!

[Note : I keep no discrimination among my classmates to check and see which caste or category they are from, its just to show the irony of the whole situation with the quota system that I named this guy 'ST guy' for this post.]

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Kids + Kick boxing equals dumb parents

Tired day today ended up doing nothing after working till 3 AM in the morning today. No sleep.
Planning to switch to hibernation mode in a while.

Well, was reading the news today (barely do that nowadays and hence am oblivious to the current affairs n events) and came across this shocking article about 4-year old kids being bullied into kickboxing matches [link].
The first reaction I had was how sick can people get. I agree there are worse things goin on in todays world, but reading this just made me really angry at how brainless jerks these parents must be.

So where does "parenthood" step in here? Well, I haven't researched much on the families that support such ruthless bullying of children but its obvious there's no pleasant side to it.

As the articles goes, Darren Flanagan, father/coach/moron(being judgmental here) defends the art of kick boxing toddlers as he believes the hits his children are taking now will stand them in good stead for the future.
He further says,

"If someone grabs Miah(Flanagan's 5-year old daughter) when she's 15, what do you think is going to happen?"
You see he's got a point there. Why wait for kids to reach their maturity level?? Why not just teach them that the only way you can deal with the big bad mean world out there is violence!!

I mean god! C'mon. At the age of four!!!
I seriously feel like adopting those kids right now, even at 19 I could be a way better father.

The other shocking part was this -

"The children's MuayThai boxing bouts happen within an adult-sized boxing ring, with parents shouting tips such as "come on Princess, go forward, kick 'em, kick 'em."

Ok, so now you split that sentence into two and pretend as if you're just hearing someone say that.
1) 'come on princess, go forward ' - Sounds like a loving parent teaching their daughter how to ride a bicycle.

2) 'kick 'em, kick 'em' - How the hell can any parent link that with part 1!!!

The worst part in all this is that there's no age limit, so there might be some idiotic moron out there ready to coach his 2year old son or 3-year old daughter some form of martial arts!!

I'm still furious about the whole thing. Still can't swallow it down. Its good that there's a documentary being made about it spreading awareness about such a terrible bloodsport.

Over n out!

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Conversations with the Anti-God - 1

Me : Somebody got to know about the sin I committed last week. I thought it was our secret!!!

Satan : What could I do. Was pretty bored then I guess.

Me : What the...?

Satan : Was talkin' to this angel dude. Ran short of topics and things to talk about. Caught hold of this thing. I hope you really mind.

Me : God!!! You really suck.

Satan : Oh! I thought you were talkin to me.

Me : Fuck you!

Satan : When?

Me : Aaaarrrgh! Bugger off.

Satan : You seem pissed.

Me : You think!!!

Satan : Anyhoo, we here are makin sure you stay depressed all the time. Things workin well aren't they?

Me : I'm happy dammit.

Satan : Aaah! Can you hear the music of the lie detectors screaming?

Me : Shut the fuck up!!

Satan : You're pretty lame and useless ya know. Can help you out you know?

Me : How desperate do you think I am!

Satan : Twice your ego. And thats ummm...pretty Big!

Nrkey Menon has signed off

Monday, March 31, 2008

Conversations with God - I

God : So what would you answer if I asked you who you are?

Me : I'm just a form actually. I'm what or who you want me to be.

God : Are you saying you don't have constance?

Me : Yes. I'm merely a mold and and I can be cast into various shapes. You want a goody good guy to talk to, I'll be you're angel. You want a rebel to talk to, I'll be the swearing punk. I have no core If there is such a thing. Maybe I'm not human inside, but my saying this would only be perceived by you as an act of being "cool" or being "different". I do act on those principles, but they aren't the only factors governing my behavior. Inside there's a reason to everything, on the outside I'm clay!

God : Then what do people think of you?

Me : If I knew that then I wouldn't be here talking to you.

God : Your logic fails me. Yet I shall not press on that fact. Answer me this, do you hate any person?

Me : As an individual I hate no one. I might dislike them and show that I do hate them, but acceptance and forgiveness are my virtues. And these virtues are what people don't like about me...cause then it becomes inhuman not to hate. We were believed to be born to occupy our own emotional spectrum to every value be it anger,love,hatred,peace...and beyond. But maybe hatred is too harsh a word, or too impossible an extremity.

God : It seems you find it tough to fit in.

Me : On the contrary, thats my last worry.

God : So you can be independent and survive all alone.

Me : Given the opportunity I would attempt that, but thats where my human characteristics kick in. Indecisiveness and uncertainty, I'm full of it.

God : Thats the only human traits you claim to own? So you still claim not to be a human?

Me : Do you really wanna know the answer?

God : Humour me.

Me :

God : I didn't quite get that.

Me : They don't call you 'God' for nothing, do they?

God : They??

Me: Your subjects. Your children!

Me : So... what would you answer if I asked you who you are?

God : I'm would say I'm me.

Me : But that's me!!

God : That's all I have to say.

Thursday, March 27, 2008


For a moment I sat there. Trying to open my eyes. I could, but I didn't. Something scared me. What would I see once I open them. Things as they were, unbroken...not shattered to pieces!
And then I muster up my will n courage (Is it mine now??). The light enters my eyes. My pupils dilate adjusting to the brilliant light. And then I see. Things there, the same place.

It was a wound, and darkness was a friend. Nothing around existed actually. Coz I didn't want things to. They might have been there, just existing...a mere entity in it's place. I didn't want to touch anything, coz I was scared now things would be different. Would I touch the cold n smooth surface of metal and feel the same...would I know the softness of anything.

I reason. That's all I usually do. Stare at the sky and reason. Analyse. He!

And then I move my head. Everything was moving inside my head. The numbness was slowly fading away, but it was still there.
Was I still living? Did I do something that I shouldn't have? Did I preserve my mask of sanity, or has it slipped away?

All I could see was a circle fading to black.

I try to stand up and feel the back of my head. Blood.
It was a nasty fall.
I never knew it happened. But still it was a deja-vu!

People were around me. Looking and observing me like a moonrock. Why would I trust them? Why would I trust anyone?
It's my life.
It's mine.
My precious!
*gollum tone*

I stood up. I walked...
and then I lived happily ever after.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Fading oblivion

I can be really addiction prone sometimes, though I have control in me some form or the other. There is this thin red line between desire n submission...and there's no point of view which makes it clear.

My hands spread out, fingers open
this wall of air passes through me
I stay and remain as I was
Though I'm vulnerable, I feel weak.

This silent drug enters my veins
and sleeps inside my blood, no pain
my body is open built with trust
my eyes are closed and may open again.

If flows inside my body
this happiness, the joy, the vain
A world of light rushes in
perceived the glory, protect the pain.

A violent smile beneath this face
of the shadow which was kept to wait
Am falling into this hallucination
free from reality, free from hate.

All I saw was a flower blooming
Its immortal glow, nothing else
no death,no pain, no seed of hate
just the drug sinking in.

I kept on falling, but it had to end
and so I face the solid ground
the drug - my cure has drained away
Immortal is not what it sounds.

And now I writhe in pain, all hollow
in the shadow of the light that came
this drug my cure, my life it swallowed
And left me helpless on the ground again.

I open my hand, but it seems lifeless
I open my eyes, I'm blind again
by all the light that was thrown on me
I'm back in this darkness all again.