...obeying the voices in my head...

Sunday, May 28, 2006

My Band???

This is the link to my so called "band" site thanks to garageband.com .--
Or listen to my song directly by clickin here-

There is only one song that I have uploaded and am workin on the next few.
Its not so easy, damn it!
I have still not come up with a polished song all the ideas that are in my head are raw and could not materialize into a physical state due to my inactivity and laziness.
But for now this is all I have! just check it out....

Peace -

Kurt Cobain suicide note...

I have loved this guy and really admired him and here's to remember his suicide note which I somehow find beautifully written.

"To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.
For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.
I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy.Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.For her life, which will be so much happier without me.


Saturday, May 20, 2006

Let Poison be thy cure

(My writin skills aint that good , so maybe this would be a headache to read. Be free to comment on anything)

Yes, I have decided it. It's final. This is the end, and I will help myself come closer to it. The method that will lead to my end is still undecided.

Hmmm... Stab myself. Nope, slow death.
Jump from the roof. Nope, too painful.
Stand in front of a fast car. But that may risk the life of the person who's driving the car too. I dont wan't anyone else to be hurt cause of me.
Think man, think what could be a fast and painless death.
Seems painless.
The problem is - where do I get it from. I mean I cant go into a shop and say " Excuse me. I need one bottle of poison that would bring a painless death."
Will Rat poison do? Well, food from the school canteen might work better against rat poison.
The chemistry lab, of course.

And so I ask my friend on the phone trying not to reveal my deadly plans to him. "Do you think in some way you can die if you accidently swallowed pottassium cyanide from the school lab?"
"Yeah, right!" came from the other end of the phone."The only thing you'll get is an indigestion or something."

So i'll have to think of plan B.
Suddenly I noticed a cleaning liquid kept on the floor. Observing it closely I found a symbol of a skull, next to which was written 'Do not swallow. The following liquid is injurious to health.'
This may do well.

Now that that's done, next we come on to the suicide note.I took an empty page and scribbled on it -
" I just got bored you know. So that's all folks."
Somehow it seemed to inappropriate, but that's what I wanted.
I go near the window and take a breath of fresh air.
"My last breath." I smiled trying to hide the sadness.This aint so easy. I take the cleaning liquid and open the cork. Strong nauseous fumes came out from the bottle.This aint easy at all.
I raise the drink,"Bottom's up".
As my hand goes halfway through the journey towards my mouth, the phone rings. Thank god for telephones, it saves lives.

I picked it up.
"Please dont die. Please dont kill yourself." Came a worried voice.
I was stunned. I looked up and stared at my ceiling - " God. Is that you?"
The answer was quick."No. Look, here. I am a boy who lives in the building just in front of yours. Dont get offended, but I have been observing you through my telescope from my house for a few weeks. I just found out all things about you from your neighbhours, you know. How you have been so helpful to everyone, how well you study, how you always are a hero at your school. I heard everything about you, right from stuff about your girlfriends to how well you play the drums. You see I have no friends and all I needed was an Idol to look up to. And so i found about you and really liked you, and so I decided I just wanna be like you. I dont want my idol to give up just like that. I know you'll be too angry by now knowing how I've been peeking into your life just to satisfy mine, but you cant just give up like that. Please dont leave me. At least think about all the people that rely on you. Think." He took a deep breath.

I was speechless. What was I thinking.
Oh my god. I accepting myself as a loser.
Even though this boy's voice seemed too kiddish to make sense, he just said the right words.
"Ummmm... look kid, I am angry at you for all this you have done. Just come downstairs i'll meet you there and we'll sort this out.Do i make myself clear."
"Yes, sir."

I took the cleaning bottle in my hand and threw it away.
Suddenly, I seemed so happy to be me. I have a life. Somebody looks upto me as an idol.
Oh my god! What was I thinking?
That's it, I'm gonna live past 99 or whatever.
This boy just changed my perspective of life.But suddenly I felt responsible. Responsible for this boy, responsible for myself.And I was never so good with resposibilities.
But It seemed - What the heck anyways, things are the way they are.
It's my life. It's me and I'm happy to be here.

I walked downstairs and just across the street found a boy waving at me happily.That's him. Poor boy, he's so cute how come he doesn't have friends.
I smiled.
I breathed the fresh air.Oh! fresh air.
Thaonk you , God.

I walked a few steps towards him feeling all free and happy at the same time had the burden of a responsibility of living.
I told you I was bad at responsibilities.
The next thing I see are blurred visions of a car approaching and a red pool I was lying in.
The last thing I heard was guy asking - " What were his last words?"
Then the boy who saved my life stared blankly at him and said -
" He said he was happy to be alive."

I tried to open my eyes. Tried.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Semi Paralysis

This is a part of my free writing exercise, where I vomit stuff from my brains and mash up to form nonsensically sensical words in an untidy arrangement. I let my hand run through the paper freely as if gliding on its own , so then I understand whats really on my mind.Sorry for the fact that it is a pain in the ass reading this stuff.
I taste the air,
A bitter whip
slashes through this
tasteless life.

A cause of reason,
a reason too soon,
a feeling giving,
of breaking the moon.

How silent darkness,
spreads like a disease.
Wander in it's own path,
with an eerie ease.

A plight of the sight,
searching behind
a reason to pry
the untouched mind.

Polluting the brain
a self corroded drain.
the downfall of madness,
the climbing of sadness.

How cryptic life is,
leaves no clues behind.
Partly showing signs,
mostly to hide.

Apparent reasons,
untie the knot
unfold the reins
of the ruins of the day.

A climb on the hill
a man pleases not
a tingling spine chill
the humans forgot.

Of how is to climb
to fly in this air.
A shape of spirit
the shape of despair.

Sacrifrices forgotten
too late to accept
a bond that was broken
a promise unkept.

I never end
I go on.
It ties no ones soul
waiting to promise -
to end in peace.

I paralyse...

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

The Faceless Victim

This is just a spontaneously written poem, so I never thought over it or read it over and over again to check it or anything. It's just a source to channel my thought's flowing through my head right now.

I stand alone,
Watching the daylight as it freezes my thoughts.
'I am nothing, I am no-one'I repeat,
yet why do i feel like I'm all.

Is there any gain which takes away the pain,
Or only loss - to know what I have.
The blood that pumps through my veins,
dissolves in a defeat I accept.

I cannot stand forever,
I have to fall.
When and where? I question myself.
Is this the time or has it gone.

A faceless me stares endlessly
Into this painful mirror.
That reflects the darkness accumulated
through this dreadful journey.

Is it black all I see, or is it all that is,
Is what we see so real.
If what we see is what we get,
blind is what I think myself to be.

Step by step, inch by inch,
I crawl to the unseen mountains.
Climbed by my masters and by others
but not yet by me.

I stand in the shadows,
looming over me as I stand,
without proper dignity
without respect.

I speak therfore
no sense I hear.
All jumbled up tommorow,
All teared up today.

But somehow before falling I think,
'It's not being the best that's all about.
It's just the journey.'

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Cryogenic Hibernation

'It was the middle east war goin' on and we had called for a chopper backup. We stood there still in the Tyrant Dictators office when we heard some muffled voices coming from the next room.We crept towards the room and made as little sound as possible. I kicked open the door and shouted "freeze." But no-on was there. They had already gone. But they left behind a
small gift. A time bomb, beeping continously with its irritating sound. Nobody in our team knew to defuse a bomb. We stood there helpless. The sound was getting faster and faster. I picked it up and banged it several times. It was gettin' more faster. I rattled it, no help. Sweat poured off from my forehead. And then a long endless beep.

"I opened my eyes, and stared at the alarm clock menacingly hoping that it would switch off on its own. "Damn you." i curse and strech my hand and bang on it."Ah! sweet silence. Now just five more minutes and i'll be fresh in no time."

It's suprising how the human biological clock can't make out the difference between five minutes and three hours while

Why do people sleep? To regain their cosmic energy? To kill time? To feel like dying for 8 hours and leave everything behind? Or just a celebration of how hard mankind has worked hard since we evolved?
Whatever it may be for all I care is to let it be the way it is.And I remember two years ago saying "Man! Sleeping is a waste dude. I mean think of all the time I could save without sleep." Boy was I dumb back then.

When I sleep I not only sleep, I hibernate. What I mean is that even if there was a brazilian samba dance troup performing around me I wouldnt even notice it. I sleep like I missed uot sleep for the last ten years. And an alarm clock doesn't change even a teeny bit of it, it has never served it's purpose for me.

In my last two academic years sleeping more than 7 hours was a hideous crime, and these rules will also be again implemented later on in other parts of my life.

For now durin' these vacations I have transformed myself into a Garfield, except different species. I sleep , I eat, I sleep , I eat. Hmmm... that might be it I guess.

Well, off I go onto the sweet dreams ..... zzzzzzzzz.