...obeying the voices in my head...

Monday, March 31, 2008

Conversations with God - I

God : So what would you answer if I asked you who you are?

Me : I'm just a form actually. I'm what or who you want me to be.

God : Are you saying you don't have constance?

Me : Yes. I'm merely a mold and and I can be cast into various shapes. You want a goody good guy to talk to, I'll be you're angel. You want a rebel to talk to, I'll be the swearing punk. I have no core If there is such a thing. Maybe I'm not human inside, but my saying this would only be perceived by you as an act of being "cool" or being "different". I do act on those principles, but they aren't the only factors governing my behavior. Inside there's a reason to everything, on the outside I'm clay!

God : Then what do people think of you?

Me : If I knew that then I wouldn't be here talking to you.

God : Your logic fails me. Yet I shall not press on that fact. Answer me this, do you hate any person?

Me : As an individual I hate no one. I might dislike them and show that I do hate them, but acceptance and forgiveness are my virtues. And these virtues are what people don't like about me...cause then it becomes inhuman not to hate. We were believed to be born to occupy our own emotional spectrum to every value be it anger,love,hatred,peace...and beyond. But maybe hatred is too harsh a word, or too impossible an extremity.

God : It seems you find it tough to fit in.

Me : On the contrary, thats my last worry.

God : So you can be independent and survive all alone.

Me : Given the opportunity I would attempt that, but thats where my human characteristics kick in. Indecisiveness and uncertainty, I'm full of it.

God : Thats the only human traits you claim to own? So you still claim not to be a human?

Me : Do you really wanna know the answer?

God : Humour me.

Me :

God : I didn't quite get that.

Me : They don't call you 'God' for nothing, do they?

God : They??

Me: Your subjects. Your children!

Me : So... what would you answer if I asked you who you are?

God : I'm would say I'm me.

Me : But that's me!!

God : That's all I have to say.

Thursday, March 27, 2008


For a moment I sat there. Trying to open my eyes. I could, but I didn't. Something scared me. What would I see once I open them. Things as they were, unbroken...not shattered to pieces!
And then I muster up my will n courage (Is it mine now??). The light enters my eyes. My pupils dilate adjusting to the brilliant light. And then I see. Things there, the same place.

It was a wound, and darkness was a friend. Nothing around existed actually. Coz I didn't want things to. They might have been there, just existing...a mere entity in it's place. I didn't want to touch anything, coz I was scared now things would be different. Would I touch the cold n smooth surface of metal and feel the same...would I know the softness of anything.

I reason. That's all I usually do. Stare at the sky and reason. Analyse. He!

And then I move my head. Everything was moving inside my head. The numbness was slowly fading away, but it was still there.
Was I still living? Did I do something that I shouldn't have? Did I preserve my mask of sanity, or has it slipped away?

All I could see was a circle fading to black.

I try to stand up and feel the back of my head. Blood.
It was a nasty fall.
I never knew it happened. But still it was a deja-vu!

People were around me. Looking and observing me like a moonrock. Why would I trust them? Why would I trust anyone?
It's my life.
It's mine.
My precious!
*gollum tone*

I stood up. I walked...
and then I lived happily ever after.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Fading oblivion

I can be really addiction prone sometimes, though I have control in me some form or the other. There is this thin red line between desire n submission...and there's no point of view which makes it clear.

My hands spread out, fingers open
this wall of air passes through me
I stay and remain as I was
Though I'm vulnerable, I feel weak.

This silent drug enters my veins
and sleeps inside my blood, no pain
my body is open built with trust
my eyes are closed and may open again.

If flows inside my body
this happiness, the joy, the vain
A world of light rushes in
perceived the glory, protect the pain.

A violent smile beneath this face
of the shadow which was kept to wait
Am falling into this hallucination
free from reality, free from hate.

All I saw was a flower blooming
Its immortal glow, nothing else
no death,no pain, no seed of hate
just the drug sinking in.

I kept on falling, but it had to end
and so I face the solid ground
the drug - my cure has drained away
Immortal is not what it sounds.

And now I writhe in pain, all hollow
in the shadow of the light that came
this drug my cure, my life it swallowed
And left me helpless on the ground again.

I open my hand, but it seems lifeless
I open my eyes, I'm blind again
by all the light that was thrown on me
I'm back in this darkness all again.