...obeying the voices in my head...

Monday, March 29, 2010

The Mallu Interview : Part I

[Recent Interview that might not have happened.]

Interviewer : So then how does it feel being a fraud mallu?

Me : Well, feels nice and dandy. * gleaming smile*

Int. : Ummmm...I was expecting something more actually.

Me : Well to be frank it's an oddly mixed feeling of an outsider coupled with the superiority complex of the fact that I come from a land where the literacy rate is more than 90%. *smug smile*

Although the 'I come from a land...' storytelling startup line is highly irrelevant being born and brought up in the land of cotton/groundnut/'dry freakin state' called Gujarat. And as my only

links to the land of coconuts/backwaters/shakeela are my intermittent yearly commutes to meet my relatives down under. south.

But still, as Charles Unnigopalakrishnan Darwin once stated the famous adage, "Once a mallu, always a mallu!". And hence here I am feeling like a mixed bred, something like a Dachshund, except for

the fact that I don't look like a sausage. But then you arrive at the definition of what a quintessential mallu is like. Since the non mallu demographic would answer that with a mild ramble on the

stereotypical qualities such as a person who is dark,has weird springy hair,pronounces the word M as 'yem'...so on and so forth. But then I would warn people to not to fall into those misleading

and gross assumptions which are mainly targeted at various people for the functioning of this...

Int. : Thank you sir.

Me : But I was ...

Int : Moving on. Did you ever feel out of place living outside of Kerala?

Me : No. Nein. Nae. On the contrary, the instances where I have felt most out of place have been in Mallu land itself. But that is because of the fact that people expect me to be a true mallu over

there and hence that load of expectations makes me self conscious and ergo, makes me feel out of place. But to think of it, there have been times when the gujju populous had dumped me due to my

being from an other state. It might seem primitive, well yes...but this was way back when I was 8 and I was doing these convulsing retarded dance steps at a garba thingy. The mocking laughter that

my gujju compatriots were thoroughly involved in was met by my uttering the defeated war cry 'Amma!'. Talk about sticking out like a sore thumb. *laughs ostentatiously*.
But all in all, I couldn't think of a better place to be in. Except maybe the Bahamas...or Switzerland...or Paris...or Alaska...

Int. : Being a Malayalee yourself, do you tend to mingle more with other Malayalee's? How is the interaction like ?

Me : In a way I have never thought about this much. I never think, 'Hey this guy/girl seems to be a mallu, lets go talk to him/her loudly in Malayalam'. No. I don't do that...and most mallu's

don't. Fraud mallu's that is. Unlike Bongs and the Reddy's we(Fraud mallu's) don't seem to be all that comfortable with our own language that much. Not that it doesn't sound good and all. Ok maybe

it doesn't sound all that great. Not like it's french or something...but still fraud mallus have those parasitic qualities of blending with the host rather seamlessly.
Ok that was a bit of an exaggeration.
That language itself is pretty extensive and confusing. Hence people's 'Teach Me Malayalam like right now' requests are often met with teaching 'What's your name?' in malayalam and leaving it at

that or yelling, "IT HAS 53 LETTERS MAN! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT??".
But my observations have been that most Fraud mallu's turn out to be in those elite classes of people. People such as... *wink wink*

Int. : How was your childhood affected?

Me : Oh! I was slashed with whips everyday by non mallu people and then I was frequently thrown out of schools. I was going to be fed to the sharks at a point by my teachers...well in short, that

is one freakin dumb question!

Int. : A recent article states that Kerala scores the highest alcohol consumption among all other states in India, what are you thoughts on that?

Me : Oh damn! Seriously? Well being in a dry state this is something that...oh god...alcohol...consumption...ummm...do you by any chance happen to have some with you, like right now?

Int. : I beg your pardon?

Me : Ahhh! Nevermind. Well as such, alcohol is a really precious and rare commodity. It's a dry freakin' state man. Ok in some ways that is good. We don't have drunks lying around on the road at

like 7 in the evening. The womenfolk are safe to roam the roads. People here start and end a fight by just pointing fingers at each other. Ummm...well people might call it a sissy place, but hey

it's home right?

Int. : And what about the alcohol, sir?

Me : Appy fizz. Mind over matter. Hope you get it.

Int. : We'll take a short break then?

Me : Certainly!