...obeying the voices in my head...

Saturday, August 16, 2008


The whole theme and a few posts of my blog play around the reference of insanity/madness. But today was something that scared my soul out of me. I had not slept yesterday night since I was out with my friends, so as I reach home I promptly drop off on the bed. Now its a normal observation that when people are woken up from deep sleep just for some small reason the person tends to get pissed. Losing precious sleep, thats a loss. Yes, it has occurred to me time to time...but not at this magnitude. Today something was different.

I was asleep and mom was there telling me something, though I don't remember it clearly it was something about her having some work to do that my require my help. Now I was mumbling some incoherent stuff as any person in my state of sleep would. Mom kept poking me for a while and was angry that I wasn't even giving a slight response.

She then said," You're face looks like one of those drug addicts." . Somehow this I heard clearly. And it triggered something in me. I wasnt awake when all this happened coz I was really tired. But what I did was I could recall really well. I stood up all of a sudden and started shouting, "Me! I'm a drug addict!" , my voice was so shrill it sounded as if it was coming from somewhere else. My body was out control. Having weird and acute spasms as my hands and legs started writhing in awkward positions. I couldn't stand and I fell on to the bed.

At that time I had the weirdest feeling, as if I fell into a cobweb. I felt it stick all over me. I violently tried to remove it. I could see there was nothing there, still my skin felt something sticking. I was crying helplessly. I couldnt make sense. I couldnt see properly cause half my brain was still asleep. My Mom watched in horror and tried to get hold of my hand. I was still having those spasms.

Then Mom's hand came. Mom, my angel. She held me close and pampered me as If I was a small child. I was still sobbing. Mom gave me that me that one warm embrace which suddenly freed me off all the insanity. I came to my senses.

What was I doing!! What has happened to me!!

I cried," Please help me! I don't know whats happening. Please!" . Mom just held me closer. I didn't need words. I was freed. The darkness was gone. My Mom, how I love my Mom.

She put me back to bed. Put a thin blanket on me and caressed my hair. I slept like a baby.

I woke up a while later all of a sudden, figuring if it was a dream or real. When do we actually know its a dream? I then touched my face and felt dried tears. It was real. I couldn't believe it was me. It seemed like I was possessed. This is one of those things I wish I could forget, but there's no point in that. When things come up against the best would be to face it, so that when similar things come in the future you would be prepared with the previous experience.

This time I wont question my sanity. Because I am scared. Are my doubts the one who gave birth to it. I would not want to know now. For now I am me. And right now, it barely seems like a silly statement...its the most important thing!

My Mom's leaving for Lucknow tomorrow. Just for two days. But I feel like me when I was 8 years old. Mom away from the house meant Mom wasn't gonna be there around may it be for 2 days. I want her to be here. Oh by the way, I'm 19 now. And still feel like a small kid. For I donno if this is the part of being an adult, or if this should be a part of anything at all!


Maya said...

It's the best feeling to have your mom next to you when you're going through shit.. so much better than having her a thousand miles away in another country..
i hope you're closer to finding yourself..

Jinal said...

What is it? Where does the infinite warmth and love come from?