...obeying the voices in my head...

Saturday, May 03, 2008

In Dependence

I've been trying hard since a few weeks to be with myself alone, as to know 'what' I am. It sounds all too heavy and spiritual and stuff, but its really quite simple. All I want to do is identify myself as another person so that I can be with myself and not be afraid of being alone, coz even if end up being alone sometimes I would still have someone - Me!

I admit it - I am really really dependent on the people around me...when it comes to work and even emotionally. When I breakdown emotionally I confide everything to any of my friend even though he/she is not my best(est) friend...and I do not weigh at that time that how the information that I'm disclosing would have any consequences or not. When I'm emotional I just cling onto someone. Lately I found out that, that is a really big weakness that I have.

Yes yes, friends are there for us all the time. 'A friend in need is a friend in need' and all that stuff, but I land up getting too dependent on others. I only visualize myself as a helpless fog, with no solidarity. And such moments I fail to acknowledge my strength in order to borrow it from others, it really makes me weak. And I never realize this at the right time. I keep on looking for support all around. Someone to confide in or just let out those bitter things to take weight off my chest. Maybe I might be getting too extreme on the 'be with myself' part, but in no way do I mean that I won't socialize and be alone on an island.

Yes, I do crave for solitude sometimes but not every time. I have such wonderful people around me whom I could probably not live without. No man is an island, right?

Since a few weeks I've been learning to be less dependent. Now I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing, though I feel better in some ways. I guess I feel more strong and capable to take stuff on my own and have my own feelings and intuition to work on something rather than being dependent on what others might think of it. It's that sense of freedom 'to be' and not 'to be for'.

When I get all emotionally heavy, frustrated or disturbed I go into this blankness...sort of like a meditation mode. I switch my mobile phone off usually, coz my phone is the thing which keeps me connected to the people around me and as long as its on I still am connected and ummm...can I say...bound(?) in a way. Even if I try to free my mind I would still think of the messages and the missed calls that I'll be missing. So I go off line and try to figure out things and be with myself and take the whole emotional responsibility. Although the bad part in this is that I only come back online when I'm totally sure about myself...so sometimes that takes more than the estimated time to be online.

Now, in now way when I'm doing this means that I'm running away from my responsibilities. That is far from what I intend. All I need is just a little time to know myself. Sometimes this sounds like total hogwash, bullshit or whatever you may call it...this is how things are going on for me now. Maybe I would be clearer about this whole thing later on, we'll see!

I still thought of a lot more things to write about this...maybe next time!



Aanshi said...

living and knowing urself is the continous process of rebirth..
the irony lies wer most of us die before we are fully born... :)
i add "PEACE" too :P

NRkey Menon said...

I salute you mademoiselle!!!

Dagny said...

its more about taking things easy at times.

And knowing when to keep your mouth shut :P

NRkey Menon said...

Oh! how rude! *grumpy face*

Dagny said...

oh, little one, the comment wasn't referring to this post.

Merc said...

confide in walls take my advice on that..

NRkey Menon said...

Diwaaro k bhi kaan hote hai!
Dun dun dunnnnn!

Well am still a trainee on that, but doin good.