Drive through the zero infinite...

...that sudden pinch of loneliness had set in. I could elaborate it and make it more dramatic but it rather is pointless. And as always I didnt stand up to shoving a proverbial middle finger to my current rut called life. This is no form of dynamic loneliness, whatever it may mean.

I have grown accustomed to it. Developed a certain liking. All this from a person who at a certain period of time was afraid of being anti-social and deserted by people. We all have these pangs of desire for solitude. Hence the famous words "Just leave me alone" reverberates in deep recesses of our mental pits, yet somehow excavated and showcased brilliantly and rather aggressively at the saturation point of someone else's poking. 

Since the brouhaha of being single again was a major life flow altering experience, never had I actually given it too deep a thought and already went out to "recover". Smoking n boozing were mere slingshots to get to another point of pointlessness in attempts to meander in my own sinking consciousness. It should never have got to a point where the lack of it was frustration. Fortunately, it hasnt. And being in a dry state + living with your parents is pretty affective to lead an ascetic routine of the thing I joke to be "a day".

I might sound morbid and derelict. But just to clear it up, I am not unhappy. Clearing up things more, im not all ecstatic with joy either. "Happy" and "sad" are mere gtalk status messages now considering the short lived crescendo and climatic orgasm of feelings expreienced currently. Not enough juice filled in each emotion to rule the day. Hence the dynamics associated to the mundane chronicles of any given day. 

It's a pattern. A simple pattern we all live in. Complicating it with our own layers in order to get the ultimate truth. Just waiting for wise men to open their mouths to grasp the elixir of meaningless words and to quench that mental thirst of inevitable knowledge.

We exist. Everyone. We live? Maybe.

All this time trying to remove that want and need for anything. From simple to complex, a temptation to possess a certain unknown variable 'x'. And the self defined equations we put with our own recipes of algebra. Gradually clawing our way to an funny twist of arriving at the fact that '0 equals 0'. No matter what convoluted piece of an equation you equate with zero. That zero is still the zero it was. A postulate so horribly obvious people are scared to accept the unintertwined and dead straight value of 'x' sitting right in front of them. 

How many times do we think of a solution in our heads and deny it for its simplicity. Since it lacks adventure and a mytical journey through space time and everything else, it is condemned. And here I am negating my own self, elaborating on nothingness. When there wasnt even a question.  

Anyways, branching off...all I gotta do right now is learnt to control. Free will can be dangerous to a degree. Like over-consciousness.

So here I am raising my glass of water...

cheers to freedom!

Mazeltov! 

Rude Awakening

Criticism. I can't take criticiscm.

The moment it hits me my face frowns or any other mode of expression is put to animation. I'm not the total sport who would see every brickbat/mockery thrown at me and mould it into constructive criticism and be merry and live hapilly ever after. It sticks to me like glue for a while and refuses to budge. And then I have that 'I dont give a fuck!' phase in order to cover up for the frowning face.

So basically I'm still a 6 year old when it comes to taking criticism. Now the part after that comes the sulking. And people who know me well, know what kind of a sulking champ I am. The worst is when you have noone to actually call and let out ur mundane whines to. Technically speaking I do have lotsa people to call, but just didn't feel like. Coz this is part which I wanted. To be independent, and not rely on being consoled or pampered.  Funny thing is I end up talking n texting to the same person at the end of the day now on. And so she calls me up. And I am dependent again.

Dammit Miss Happy G!

Also, I talk bullshit when Im sleepy. But even when I'm not.

So,

Universal Set = Bullshit talk!

Death Whispered a Lullaby

Almost 2 years back there was a new guest in our house. Where by 'in' I refer to our porch. It was a dog, it was a she. I refrain from using the word 'bitch' since it brings a few negative connotations to people's heads.

I had always wanted a dog when I was a kid, but never could get one. My mom always used to scare me that I'd have to take it for a walk, feed it, clean its poop etc etc. Still there was a huge fuss and a few tantrums were thrown...eventually my futile attempts made no change. Since its obvious that I'm a dog lover I took the next best thing. Petting stray dogs. Although even this didn't go as per planned initially coz mom always used to drive them away since some kept pooping around the place, and mom wasn't a person who would appreciate the company of dogs the way I did. Dad was a neutral player then.

Then the first one came. A black n white stray dog christened 'Raj Malhotra'.

Sphinx Style

Now he was the most fattu and the most mischevious of the lot. His repertiore included being chased by a cat, stealing chappals, bring garbage from the dump and spreading it on the road as if its a garage sale.

Dad slowly started taking my side then on since Raj Malhotra liked to sit near dad's feet while dad sat on the porch. At such times dad would say, "He always likes to be near his master for a feeling of security."

My question was, who was protecting who.

Raj Malhotra's string of random garbage sales and covert chappal/sandal stealing came to an end when our neighbours got fed up of his adventure's. Since I was seen as his 'caretaker' people used to come up and complain, "Dekho tumhare kutta ko kuchh samjhaao!" as if I would take him to a room and ground him for a week.

I did make attempts to train him but people soon grew impatient and overly fed up by the local "nuisance". And so one morning came the dog pound snatching him away right in front of my eyes. I could just stand and watch and cry. They tied him up and put him in a van, thats when I yelled "I hate Humans!" in front of everyone watching me.

In his memory was only a photo on orkut. That's all I could do.

Then came a thin malnutritioned dog, probably influenced by the 'size zero' fad that went on with models. I fed her, made her 'visible' for the general public. She was named 'Paris Hilton' then and was probably the most inactive of all dogs. All she did was sleep near the door. But one day out of nowhere she destroyed one of moms plants in our garden.

Well, that was the last straw for mom and the same day she splashed her with a bucket of water. 

Offended by such treatment she exiled herself from our society and went and settled in the next one.

This was at a time when my sister was here. And she was/is shit scared of dogs always complained about how they look at her with their "Khooni nazar". I remember how me n my sis used to discuss paris' partying habits!

Paris was later spotted several times but she failed to recognize me. It was sad, but at least she was alive.

And then again from where I started, she came. Not paris. It was mostly paris' kid but she was a year or two old when she came over. At that time I didnt know whether she was a male or a female. So by my gross assumption I named her 'Chandu', assuming she was a male. Then when realization struck she was renamed 'Chandni'.

She slowly grew on the family, not mom yet tho. Our garden was her 'crib' and our house for her was a kitchen. Dad alongwith me started feeding her and she in turn did some house protecting of her own, mainly by barking at strangers. (She disliked people wearing caps somehow).

She was trained in her own way coz whenever she went near someone her hand would spring up in a shakehand sign of goodwill.

She's the one who has been here the longest. Soon she became a member of the family when mom once called her "Cho chweet!" with her neat shakehand move. Somehow it impressed people. 

Now she was also notoriously popular for goin into people's houses and wandering aroung with a regal air of granudeur but fortunately no chhappal stealings.

The best moment of all was when a neighbour came to complain about the dog to our place while mom was reading her morning paper. The moment she came in through our door she wasnt looking at mom. Coz chandni was sitting on the opposite sofa with a 'can-you-please-pass-the-sports-section' expression on her face. Mom was shocked at her silent arrival and her majestic aura of the art of sitting on the sofa.

Hence she was often shooed away, but me n dad used to smuggle her back and make her retain her position in the family.

On october 2008 she gave birth to two new family members. For the first time given the normal names Cookie(Joan) and Brownie(Gengis Khan). 

Although the first month was scary because they didnt show a lotta movements and most of their time was in the garden sleeping and well...sleeping. At a point it turned out to be a question of whether they would make it alive or not for they didnt open their eyes even after the second week.

But fortunately one fine day, Brownie ventured out 'into the wild'/'the rest of our garden' and Cookie followed. Now me n Dad loved them, and even mom couldnt say much with their adorable wet baby eyes staring back. 

Soon they started hopping around, crashing into themselves, running in circles,bouncing like happy merry children. It was one big happy family!

Their best moments at action were the both of them trying to sleep over each other playing the part of a contortionist in order to take up minimum space.

Video link here.

This december I had taken a trip down south for a cousins wedding. We were away from home for around 14 days.

The day we came back we couldnt find them. I was scared they had moved out. I looked around our colony but no sign of them.

I called my friend up and asked them where they were. To my relief he said they were in his house. I gave out a whistle, and both of them came running and bouncing towards me. And that feeling of happiness that you get like watching your own children after such a long time. The joy of relief. Loved all three of them.

Today January 15th I was digging a grave for one. Joan was run over by our neighbours car and she died on the spot. I froze on the site unable to take in what happened. The night before I fed her a few biscuits and it was the first time she actually jumped up in the air to catch it in her mouth. She was growing up. She was.

11.30AM today it changed and she took her last breath. Mother and brother standing next to her. I went back home and cried for a while to get it out of my system. After a while I called up a friend who also cared for all 3 of them a lot. He came later and wasnt able to bare the sight of it. 

I had to lift Joan and put her in the grave I dug for her. But when I covered it up with mud, chandni came running back and started digging again. We tried stopping her but she didnt budge and left her alone.

A few minutes later she realization Cookie wasnt coming back and so she sat there watching her. 

A while later she buried her own child herself and sat next to the grave refusing to eat. Even when we gave her a chappati, all she did was take it and put it next to the grave. Gengis still didnt know much of what was going on but eventually he was seen sulking under a car and refused to come out.

It was a sad day. I cried a lot. And I believe my friend had too.

This is for you Cookie(Joan). We miss you!

Been hearing this song the whole day:

Six random things

Jagriti tagged me in this game of 6 random things about oneself…being a young sporting lad that I am I shall jump into this bandwagon and let my spontaneity mesmerize the dear reader/s of this blog.

Like life, this thing here also comes with a set of rules that shall be strictly adhered to and not purposefully be broken just to be "cool" (You get my drift, right?):  

Here are the rules ~

1. Link to the person who tagged you.

2. Post the rules on your blog.

3. Write six random things about yourself.

4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.

5. Let each person know they’ve  been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.

6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

And the oscar goes too…

Sorry, wrong envelope. :P

Here it goes:

1. I sometimes talk to myself, usually when nobody’s around so that I don’t end up looking like a nutcase. This is kind o like a deep dark secret in a way. So please feel proud of acquiring this general knowledge. I still don’t know the reason though.

2. I don’t like the volume of the TV to be on 31 or 57, I find them to be really irritating numbers.

3. I have this psychic (or something related) thing with dogs. Even the ferocious ones start wagging their tail when I call them.  Although this doesn’t happen every time and I am in no mood to push my luck.

4. I was a really spiritual person around 3 years ago, to the point where I used to read a verse of Bhagavad Gita every day which my parents interpreted as me trying to buy time away from my actual ‘study’ related books! The past few months have affected me weirdly and I find myself immensely material with a falling rate of the spiritual halo around me. I blame it on ‘Discovery Travel and Living’ and ‘VH1 Fabulous Life’!!!

5. One of the most influential person for me is a graphic novel character from ‘The Watchmen’. The name is Adrian Veidt!

6. The only thing the present me and the 8 year old me would agree on right now would be that ‘I don’t wanna marry!’

My tag victim hit list shall be:

1. Dagny

2. Made to be broken

3. Merc

4. Chuck

5. Anant

6. Aanshi

0

Im scared of nothingness now. 

Was I craving for it only because I had everything?

Got a really fuzzy head right now.

It's just when you are prepared to lose everything, is when you stop fearing.

But, how do I know Im ready?

No Silent Night, No holy light

My Exams have started today, yet with all the chaos that has erupted with the recent terror attacks at Mumbai have made my fingers itchy and finally i want to get it out of my system.

Since the night of 26th November when I got the shocking news and minute by minute coverage of the horrors unfold in Mumbai, I was speechless. I was glued to the TV for a long time as I was at utter disbelief of witnessing a terror of such magnitude that was happening 500kms away from from my city. We always had this protective mental shield in our head that such things dont happen to us. Slowly that mental shield was being penetrated. The possibility of facing something similar here(also provided the recent blasts in the city) has never been this high.

Since I dont have much time right now to burst into an emotional monologue, I’ll just vent out my current train of thoughts:


1. Stop calling it “India’s 9/11”…the media has made this into a catchy title so that the people of our country feel that we are on the same platform as out American “brothers” were years ago. It’s just to make its sound more glorifying. Treating 9/11 as if it was the only terror attack that shook the world is what the media wants. There have been more horrible terror attacks around the world with heart stopping death tolls and damage that could not be narrowed down to the 9/11 attacks.

Somehow I find the “India’s 9/11” tag disturbing on how we are so keen on relating ourselves to Americans.


2. The difference between last post-terror attack speech given by our PM and the current one is only that he might have been sitting 2 inches to the left. The footage looks like it was last shot at 1983 and the sound quality made him sound like a grandfather announcing his final wishes on his death bed. This is National TV for crying out loud.

Plus with the usual clichés like “We will take strict and immediate action” and “We shall no longer tolerate such attacks” are no longer comforting for anyone. Everytime the nation is attacked all we do is tolerate it and hope that it doesn’t happen again. That’s what India has been. Yes, we are a peace loving country…yes, we are Gandhi’s children…but those principles don’t qualify at such times. You can show them the other cheek so long as that we don’t have any cheeks to show, and at the end its we who get burnt.

Everytime we end up like a dog licking its own wounds mentally satisfying itself that it has the strength to suffer more.

If we suffer more than this, there wont be a population to suffer later on. Our nation is on the brink on a violence similar to that of what happens in the middle east.


3. The day the 26/11 attack happened I had surfed a few forums for discussion and was shocked to find the vox populi with a “FUCK OFF PAKISTAN!” posts carelessly put out with a wide range of expletives (some I hadn’t heard of) and venom which just made me realize its all growing into a vicious circle. Now I have nothing against freedom of speech, I am not against the whole feel of the post (whatever that is), but this is what they call a ‘knee jerk’ reaction.

Now I am in no way defending Pakistan, since it has such a dubious repertoire of playing around cunningly with nations on the diplomacy game. But when people without any knowledge of the situation and conformation make assumptions and spew venom like this, its a sad sight. We call the terrorists bastards for they have no heart, why follow them when we have a logical brain to use. But to think without anger and hatred at such times is too much to ask for. For I am one of the angry people.

I had a friend in school who was a Pakistani and I remember once in school when she accidentally did something wrong one of my classmates’ first reaction was “Damn! Never trust these Pakistanis.” This was something that appalled me for a long time, and made me realize how the hatred had been hard wired into our heads. The current snubbing game was a rerun in my head.

Although with the current scenario people with strong opinions are all set and ready for the nation to “wage a war” on our neighbors, but there’s no point in reacting completely on impulse at times when we are so hurt.

The air no matter what will be tense now, and we as a nation have to be strategic and careful about our actions. Improve our diplomatic relations and other things which I don’t think I’m qualified enough to discuss.

4. People saying ,"Terrorists dont have any religion, they dont have a nationality!" .

Well guess what suckers, statistics disagree.

Also Javed Akhtars statement saying something like, 'This is not a time to play the blame game. We should help each other and rise...blah blah blah!'. Found it funny. When you get hit so bad the first thing you would not want to know is who did it to you? Weird Logic man!

Frankly, this is not time to get all cuddly and lovey dovey and release doves into the air...its serious now.


5. The media! With ample number of news channels to chose from, not one… I repeat…NOT ONE had refrained from putting a cheesy title and a theme music + a trailer of the events taking place.

Plus each channel was more interested in who got the sound of the gunfire’s, grenades, glass shatters rather than focusing on the details of what exactly was happening. Now I know, not showing the actually “action” would be like hiding the truth for some people…but when news presenters yell out, “Look Look, [insert news channel here] has the first exclusive shot of the bullet fired/glass shatter/terrorists hand…” that’s when you realize that they they’re not there to tell you the truth and give you information. Its business.

I swear to god it was a pain in the ass. The moment some news info comes in the presenters would beat around the bush buying our valuable time waiting for ‘THE’ moment to tell you the ‘real’ news. Now I may be counter argued by the fact that they have to buy our time since they don’t get confirmed updates for all info. Well I would have have agreed, but when I saw BBC was showing more pertinent news happening in our country(with really bad pronunciations though) I was shocked at what our 20 news channels here had been singing about.

The whole filmy style news reporting had become a farce, a parody. And it was unbearable. Unfortunately since I didn’t have any other sources, I didn’t have any options. Thank god for the remote though.

That’s when I understood that at the scenes of terror some local people had gathered to watch the “tamasha” as if it was a ‘Big Boss’ episode, but it might have been that even they found the news channels bullshiting them.


Whatever events happening, its sad but the harsh reality is the coming few months might not be that bright.


That’s it for now. Have to study.

More on this later!

Peace!

A minute of VIsuallyConsciousCOordination(VICCO)

We had our days when we used to witness all those harmless Vicco commercials, pointing and laughing at it without trying to comprehend on the pertinent information it had secretly given us. Overlooking the critical issues it dealt with, we in our movie theaters or in front our idiot boxes felt it was best to ignore the harsh and bitter truth that was spread out on the table!

With the power of current technology termed "youtube" I stumbled onto a video footage that made me realize, made me aware...and more importantly made me write this post!

The footage going by the loosely abstracted term 'commercial' has the power to shake the foundations of our current society. Till now only the elite of the nation understood this, but now its TIME!
Ok, maybe im going too far with this.

Laydees and gentlemans, here it is -



Now did that seem harmless? Seem like those ordinary "commercial" things intended for brainwash?
Alas! My friend...for thy hath not seen beyond the looking glass.

Sample this-

0:01 - The video starts with a glimpse of the world outside. The world of the future! The visuals which might seem familiar. Like the cover of a book...like the covers of every Arthur C Clarke's books!!

Uncanny??
Your heart skips a beat!

0:07 - A normal civilian kid casually comes out of the bathroom with a white powdered substance in his hand and in a move that he thought would put Shakespeare to shame, jumps onto a poetic line - "Ahem...Mummy yeh powder kitna mulayam hai, bilkul aapke jaisa!". Now you can sit and excavate all the figures of speech the boy(for simplicity lets call him 'Bunty') has brilliantly put in, but then something ain't right!

Now I'm not a psychoanalyst but when a boy is so fond of a 'white powdered substance' that he uses his own mother as a frame of reference to praise its 'mulayam-ness'...it adds up to only one conclusion. The white powdered substance my friends is...probably cocaine/heroin!

But then you shout "HOGWASH!!" in protest with an argument saying - why would the mother be sitting so idly letting her own child consume this malicious drug?
The answer my friends lies in the government. For this is the dystopian future we are looking at ...where the government allows people to get drugged and high, i.e- its legal! Much like the soma drugs in Aldoux Huxleys Brave New World.

Yes people, there's no point in hiding the truth now.

0:10 - Suddenly a sharp and commanding voice blasts out of nowhere and the mother and bunty face the wall adorned with the speaker and a poster highlighting the words 'Big Brother Is watching you!'. For a fraction of a second they are shocked.
Was it Ramu kaka?
It couldnt be.
Otherwise the sentence would have been "Chotte maalik ko aaj kaunsa powder chahiye?".
There was a camera there. Surveillance. The all seeing eye! (Lord Sauron?)

wtf!!!

But then they realize its the government. The voice was to be obeyed. And so in a hypnotic grace the mother stands up with the fluidity and hydraulic movements of a manufactured 'mom' robot (its the bloody future!!). The duo stare blankly at the wall with rapt attention, creeping the audience out at the same time as they obey their masters teachings!!

Longer attention spans due to the drugs

0:33 to 0:43 - The teachings are then projected visually as they are shown how utter garbage separated out to look like neatly arranged useful stuff called 'jadibootiya'(probably an anagram for the name of a narcotic drug) is packaged into yellow boxes and white tubes hovering in mid air with an innocuous label of 'VICCO' on it. So as you can see that is how recycling is gonna be in the future. Pretty much similar to a concept shown in the movie inspired from this "commercial" - Soylent Green.

Procedure : Magic

Also note the double usage of 'V' (i.e- Vicco Vajradanti) here and the red V as its symbol. This later on inspired Alan Moore to write 'V for Vendetta', followed by the movie staying true to the Vicco tradition.

0:47 - The time had come for the real drug. Vicco. And so Bunty with his mothers help gets his first shot and is transformed from the Shakespearean pajama wearing toddler to a drugged Shakespearean pajama wearing toddler. And you are shown how Bunty's hollow lifeless eyes reflect the infinite blankness inside and with a ghastly contented smile which could even make Dracula piss in his pants reflect on the to be disturbing future.

Although if Bunty doesn't have his intake regulated, 20 years later the only place where he would feel at home might be the state asylum.


0:55 - The footage gallops towards the climax with an undefined grace when all of a sudden the viewer is shown the face of the puppeteer, the architect - 'MUNNI'!

The architect

Well, talk about Character Development!!!
All this time she was there with them.
She was a witness. But such subtelty had she improvised till now only to come in as a cameo appearance to fool the regular audience...some who did not even notice her as their persistence of vision was no match for Munni's 'arrival and departure' scene frame rate!

Now we as the popcorn munching audience would have appreciated if Munni came out with a jaw breaking line... some thing like,
"Bunty, your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the matrix. You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you, inexorably, here."

But no, thats not Munni. She's the REAL architect. Its her own subtlety that makes here who she is.

And so the moment comes when the video bar slider touches the 1:00 minute mark and the viewer trembling with fear has bouts of realization.

The truth is out there!

Its ok, you can breathe now.

Chaos Theory

This post is not related to the mathematical concept of 'Chaos theory' in any way as far as I know, just sounded like an appropriate name for this post. These are just ideas and philosophies that I think about in my free time and which may be controversial in a way. So I've edited a lot of stuff to keep it cleaner and readable.

---

*The best way to live life?
*With no rules.

This has become an often cliched statement, and maybe coming from me it sounds pretty hypocritical. Well I am merely remarking on this concept there as for me it is a something philosophical that I usually do end up thinking about.

Now breaking things down first of all. We live in a world where rules are kept to bring a degree of order. And with this our life has a flow in order to how these rules are followed. Now usually even a minor sidestep away from this order will create a disruption which shall affect whatever that sidestep is linked with. That is how delicate and fragile things are.

We have morals. We have codes. But everything is so widely relative. Although there are a fundamental set of values in society like 'killing a person' would be a crime...still there are exceptions like mercy killings or sacrifices in some civilizations etc. And so a person would be considered more civilized if he/she would be disciplined and act according to that given set of moral codes that define a particular society. Anyone straying away from it would be a criminal or a lawbreaker and would basically suffer exclusion from the group and other charges imposed as per the set of rules.

Now usually in any civilization or a culture a big hand in putting down these set of moral codes is done by Religion. Religion would set its norms for its people, setting beliefs, making the foundations of a persons conscience and other ways to establish order according to what way might seem favorable to the conditions and the environment around them. These rules followed would be loosely called traditions. Now as the rules are set by a religion, all the fundamental rules would still be the same but an outer layer coating of a different attribute is given as to differentiate from another religion. This is done as to avoid a shock among its followers if any new drastic tradition is introduced. No religion in its starting phase would bring something totally from the outside and completely unconventional. This is trans mutation. So by this process things on further processing through the years get refined and follow the objective of establishment of an order.

But as time progresses new rules are introduced as to close out any probability of an event that would disturb the order. Slowly to that degree freedom is to be sacrificed for the sake of security. What we call freedom is barely the word it means. We would say we live in a free world, but aren't we wrong! You see, freedom is considered dangerous. We are made to believe that the world we are in is a free world, just because we stopped perceiving the constraints upon us because they have been made natural. Once there are a certain set of rules imposed upon us and we follow them strictly, we stop recognizing it later on because it would be registered in our subconscious. We live in fear of breaking any rule for the fear of social exclusion, very fundamentally put.

If I stand in a public place and yell "WHAT THE FUCK!"...you could certainly graph out the reaction patterns for the surrounding people. Its a state of shock. I've become immoral. I upset the order to that degree. That's the freedom of speech.

Boiling everything down to a basic level, what exists in everything and everywhere is CHAOS.

And Chaos is the most fundamental thing around, its omnipresent. When we bind this chaos by establishing a rule and we get order. But you know what means, it would still be chaos.
Order is bounded Chaos! Contrary to the popular belief both are not the opposites of each other. The order that we call it is just a derivative of Chaos.
Its funny, but Order is Chaos.

And one more things about Chaos is a closely linked synonym, freedom. Chaos is freedom, a place where anything and everything happens...where there are no morals no conscience...everything is fair...because everything is an action without any repercussion.
That is Chaos!

But now here in the real world what we follow is freedom through order. Freedom through imposing more rules. Hm mm...?
Now lately I've been reading about public surveillance and other forms of security measures. A threat to privacy. Something that motivated me to write the previous post.

Drifting a bit away now... As in today's world there's always a threat to any nation with the growth in terrorism. Security and vigilance do point out to a degree of surveillance proportional to the degree of threat. Imagining that to be a mathematical equation that means one simple thing, what does any organization/government do to have the maximum degree of surveillance.
Answer = Keep the degree of threat to the maximum.
And to obtain this degree involves an easy but disastrous step. Ignore or enforce a security breach, resulting to a disaster, resulting into panic. And people are vulnerable when in panic, as given a choice between security and privacy...anyone influenced enough by the panic attack would choose the former.

The freedom that we live in or live for would take a backseat for survival. Scrutiny is a necessity as to choke any possibility of a disaster. And so a whole new set of rules come into action here at such times of disaster which can affect and change our desired conditions of living. So the biggest ingredient in the recipe for control over the people by setting new constraints is a disaster.

Now Orwell picked the year 1984, and as we see he was horrendously wrong with the timeline. But he may soon be proved not wrong with his predictions.
Big Brother might soon be watching you!

And so, all these morals,codes,rules,laws so established for our sake would be dropped at the hint of trouble. Since nothing is absolute, things are subject to change.

Everything is relative right? There is no absolution.
Except maybe in Chaos. Where any relativity and absolution just doesn't matter!

---

I've tried to consciously stay out of discussing the topic of "So... what ultimately is the meaning of life?" as to keep things more simple and mainly because I dont know. So eventually, there would be less chaos, right?

Trapped in a NET

[This is a work of fiction. Any resmeblance to the characters living,dead or in zombie state is merely a coincidence and is to be taken in a light manner by kindly smiling at this web page.]

---

It was a Saturday, 8 pm . Aditya was there, with the best dress he had in his wardrobe, which meant there wasn't much to choose from. But the white shirt and denim jeans with the black blazer on top did make things look fancy.

The hunt began. He wasn't actually invited to the party, but he knew the security was gonna be lax. And gatecrashing was something he mastered in, usually turning up at weddings and ogling at the food and the women. But this was not the like the previous parties. This one was with a purpose. He had an aim. He actually had come close to the word commitment for the task up at hand, but he chose not to use the 'C' word. And also the other thing that was different was that it was not a wedding or a birthday party. This was the 'rich bitch' party, the party where one woman invites everyone existing in her address book so that 1) She can show off her wealth. 2) She can show off her contacts, all the famous people she knew. 3) To come on page 3 the next day. Aditya was the proud human who claimed to have coined the term 'rich bitch party'. The best part was the reason for the party : nothing. In her defense - It was a Saturday, and parties aren't illegal, are they!

The people here were fascinating. Dressed in their best clothes women and men keep coming wondering why the hell they were invited for no apparent reason. While some women were highly intelligent, as their sense of best dressing was highly linked to the adage - "Less is more!" and thus leaving a very little margin of error for the dress to go wrong. These were the usual victims of Aditya's ogling. And the best thing about these 'rich bitch' parties was that these women liked the fact that there exists a man ogling at them. Aditya did start his usual practice with the girl in black. She seemed familiar, and soon Aditya gave his 'hey-check-me-out' look. But suddenly, Aditya coming back to his senses shoved her off his thoughts.

He realized, this was a 'rich bitch' party...and if any woman here knew that he was wearing a cheap imitation of a 'tag heuer' they would drop him like a hot brick. Also, then again he reminded himself he was on a mission. He would have to fight his desires, and face reality. He had his plan rolling in his head, but distractions kept coming. How would he focus!! But then, as his face turned he saw the woman. She seemed different from the usual conspicuously cleavaged women who adorned the crowd that very same room. She had no artificial make up on, natural. Aditya lost track of what his aim was, and was guided by pure impulse.

Slowly like a predator of the Savannah he made way through the hordes of tall grass, the rest of the people. His prey was in sight. His eyes were locked, yet he didn't want the prey to notice. Inconspicuously, he slid through populated barriers between him and his prey and slowly camouflaged himself with the background. Steadily, he drew nearer and closer...the final pounce! As the confidence of being the predator had reached its climax...suddenly he was back to being Aditya again.

Oh shit! he thought, Now what!!!.
He saw a guy with a tray passing by and picked up a wine glass.

Nonchalantly he walked in with an acute air of confidence and the smile of a vacuum cleaner salesman. He twitched a bit on his way, but with his panache he made it look like a complex salsa step. And now he was close. She was alone, with a drink in her hand. The time had come.

"Hey!" Aditya exhaled a ton of breath along with the word and sustained his smile.
She looked around. She put on a genuine amiable face.
"Hello there. Do I know you ?" her voice a musical note in every word.

"Ummm...no. I mean you can't say... right, its such a small world after all. Frankly speaking I was getting really bored and needed to flex my vocal chords a bit, someone to talk to you know. Apparently most of the women here are only concerned about how much worth stuff they are wearing and who'll get photographed next."

"Ah! I see. I find these parties really boring actually. I'm just here to photograph these people. It's my job! God! Given a choice I would rather go to Afghanistan and get photos of what exactly the world is going through. Sigh! They say i need experience first. I don't understand how taking photographs of these --"

"...Sluts?" Aditya the uncrowned oversmart added.

She smiled.
"Well, not quite what I was looking for, was looking for something more polite. He he. But it'll do. So...what do you do?"

"Well...me. I just passed out with an engineering degree. But I barely value it. This was not the line I wanted to follow. It was just flowing with the trend, you see. I'm more interested in the creative stuff you know. Making films, painting, photography--"

"Wow! which camera do you own?"

"Ummm...i have that thing...the Sony Cyber....Sony Cybercrop?"

"Oh! you mean a Sony Cybershot?"

"Yeah yeah! that one. With carl zeus' lenses...crystal clear stuff."

"Carl Zeiss you mean. Good good. I own this piece." She suddenly conjured up a huge contraption which later made Aditya realize that this is what you get when you stick 3 cybershots back to back.
She continued,"Its a Canon EOS 350d SLR. Got it as a gift. Cool na?"

"Awesome. This thing looks like it can actually stop global warming!"

"Hehe! Well what sort of photography do you like?"

"Nature stuff. Mainly clouds. I see patterns in them. You know, Gods geometry."

"Wow! I wrote an article on a web site lately with that title. Amazing! So then what do you do nowadays?"

"Actually I'm doing nothing at all. Taking a sabbatical n all you know. I keep reading day n night though. Started with pulp stuff but now I'm maturing you see."

"Ahhh! Enlightening. So, whats the latest book you're on?"

"Animal Farm by Orwell."

"Me too. I just finished it. Wow! What a coincidence. Somehow I found it a bit sad though. But its nothing compared to--"

"--1984. well, yeah. But somehow I prefer Huxley's Brave new world. It's more...what do I say...refined!"

"Oh my god! That was exactly what I was gonna say. Are you sure we aren't the same person? He he."

We will be soon, thought Aditya. It was working now. Everything seemed under control.

She was utterly floored and ecstatic with joy. It was evident in her eyes. How could she have met such a guy at such a boring and mundane party, it was like a romantic play. Serendipity! Yet she did not reveal it all from her body language. This meant there was still some last magical spell to be chanted.

"Ok now this." She beamed, "Favorite movie?"

Hook, line and sinker. Exactly what Aditya wanted. The final litmus test. The crescendo had been built up now, time for the climax.

"Shawshank redemption!" Aditya gave a highly exuberant smile and felt like beating his chest to signify the fact that he was the Alpha male of this conversation!

But then, something went wrong. Her face didn't light up as expected. Aditya panicked now.
He asked, "What??"

"Oh nothing! Mine is 'The fountain'."

"No its not. Its Shawshank redemption!"

"He he! I'm sorry. You lost me on this one. We were so close to a high score weren't we?"

"I beg to differ here. Your favorite movie IS the Shawshank redemption!!"

"I actually found it boring. It's too slow."

"That's impossible!" Aditya lost control, "Its clearly stated on your orkut profile!"

"WHAT??? Did you just say my 'profile'??"

The ship had hit the iceberg. All that was left for Aditya to decide was how to sink - 1) A grand finale explosion or 2) An invisible and silent bubble breaking with a pop.

"Ummm....no no....I could have said...ummm... pedophile?"

"Could have?? What? You son of a --" she lifted her camera, or so it looked like a machete from where Aditya was standing.

"--hey let's just all be calm here okay!". It's interesting how the word 'calm' catalyzes something that is completely its semantic opposite.

"Calm!! CALM!! I know you now! You're that loverboy_007 guy on orkut right? You do all this in depth research and the hunt women down, dont ya! My freind told me about you. How dumb do you think I am? The nerve of you to send me scraps and a friend request! You filthy PERVERT!"

All the people around them were watching the delightful show. Some of the women just drew close to the 'scene' having high hopes of being photographed for the papers. The problem here was that the photographer was the assailant and the camera was her primary weapon.

Unfortunately, for Aditya he just had the epiphany on why the camera was named a 'Canon'. And he was in it's blast radius.

The was a loud thud.
Nobody died.
Yet there is no record if anybody present in the scene lived happily ever after.

---

Moral of the story : We live in a world where our privacy is controlled by a check box and a mouse click.

Fun-Da-Mental

Just a small thought.

So, how do we understand or Learn a new idea. Basically, we have a set of fundamental ideas installed in our mind since the beginning of our learning process. The most basic I can think right now is numbers and alphabets and visual aids used for understanding, there is a deeper level of logic and reasoning that I shall no think about right now in order to not clutter up my neural connections!

So everything dissolves down to or is built from our basic predefined notions that are introduced to us through our learning. As we are exposed to a new concept or an idea, we would join two or more of our fundamentals in maybe a 'complex'(not necessarily) manner to form a new pattern of understanding. So as we are taught derived units are taken from a set of fundamental units!

So, what happens for example, when one of the fundamental concept is unknown to us. Taking things in an algorithmic sense there would be a decision :
1. Go back and build the fundamental
2. Derive the fundamental from its derived learning(if known)...which is kinda a paradox since we're going the other way around.

Now, option 1 is the most reliable choice, but option 2 is usually a choice in order to save time. Now option 2 is risky, because it is the equivalent of 'assuming' a fundamental concept. But somehow it might be a new view point to look at something. And so after established our derived fundamental we would question its validity. Now this is the part which puts the 'fun' in fundamental...it mostly will lead to the actual fundamental or be somewhat close to it...or be an interesting but awkward theory which would probably sound like something out of a comic book.

But it would be a process that might lead to new concepts or a discovery. Now as we see in history, thats how fundamentals are based. By observing a complex derived thing, breaking it down to fundamentals...and giving a cool name or probably your own name to a theory that you can explain!!

Reverse engineering?? hmmmm??

But still that doesn't make option 1 obsolete in any way, its a classic right? And that's what my friend Jinal would be thinking...since he uses a awkward amalgamation of options 1 and 2 which a lot of people may be at a loss for comprehension!

Now reading this a time after reading it, it looks like a bunch or rand words...much like William Burroughs Cut up technique[link].

This post is dedicated to the "Concept-Man" and todays Birthday Boy and a best friend, Jinal!!

Dementia

The whole theme and a few posts of my blog play around the reference of insanity/madness. But today was something that scared my soul out of me. I had not slept yesterday night since I was out with my friends, so as I reach home I promptly drop off on the bed. Now its a normal observation that when people are woken up from deep sleep just for some small reason the person tends to get pissed. Losing precious sleep, thats a loss. Yes, it has occurred to me time to time...but not at this magnitude. Today something was different.

I was asleep and mom was there telling me something, though I don't remember it clearly it was something about her having some work to do that my require my help. Now I was mumbling some incoherent stuff as any person in my state of sleep would. Mom kept poking me for a while and was angry that I wasn't even giving a slight response.

She then said," You're face looks like one of those drug addicts." . Somehow this I heard clearly. And it triggered something in me. I wasnt awake when all this happened coz I was really tired. But what I did was I could recall really well. I stood up all of a sudden and started shouting, "Me! I'm a drug addict!" , my voice was so shrill it sounded as if it was coming from somewhere else. My body was out control. Having weird and acute spasms as my hands and legs started writhing in awkward positions. I couldn't stand and I fell on to the bed.

At that time I had the weirdest feeling, as if I fell into a cobweb. I felt it stick all over me. I violently tried to remove it. I could see there was nothing there, still my skin felt something sticking. I was crying helplessly. I couldnt make sense. I couldnt see properly cause half my brain was still asleep. My Mom watched in horror and tried to get hold of my hand. I was still having those spasms.

Then Mom's hand came. Mom, my angel. She held me close and pampered me as If I was a small child. I was still sobbing. Mom gave me that me that one warm embrace which suddenly freed me off all the insanity. I came to my senses.

What was I doing!! What has happened to me!!

I cried," Please help me! I don't know whats happening. Please!" . Mom just held me closer. I didn't need words. I was freed. The darkness was gone. My Mom, how I love my Mom.

She put me back to bed. Put a thin blanket on me and caressed my hair. I slept like a baby.

I woke up a while later all of a sudden, figuring if it was a dream or real. When do we actually know its a dream? I then touched my face and felt dried tears. It was real. I couldn't believe it was me. It seemed like I was possessed. This is one of those things I wish I could forget, but there's no point in that. When things come up against the best would be to face it, so that when similar things come in the future you would be prepared with the previous experience.

This time I wont question my sanity. Because I am scared. Are my doubts the one who gave birth to it. I would not want to know now. For now I am me. And right now, it barely seems like a silly statement...its the most important thing!

My Mom's leaving for Lucknow tomorrow. Just for two days. But I feel like me when I was 8 years old. Mom away from the house meant Mom wasn't gonna be there around may it be for 2 days. I want her to be here. Oh by the way, I'm 19 now. And still feel like a small kid. For I donno if this is the part of being an adult, or if this should be a part of anything at all!

Was I dreaming?

'But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.

'Oh, you can't help that,' said the cat : 'We're all mad here.
I'm mad. You're mad.'

'How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.

'You must be,' said the cat ,'Or you wouldn't have come here.'

-Lewis Carrol
'Alice's Adventures In Wonderland'

!

It was friendship day.

It was a really really lonely day!

A secret

Everyone has secrets.

I would like to state the fact that its a funny world we live in, but the word 'funny' just seems askew. Even to the person who you could maybe share all the stuff that you have inside of you, all of your secrets...there maybe be this one single deep dark thing that you just might not want to say...or maybe you don't say it because you dont know it. This one thing, hidden in the labyrinth of thoughts. Its sometimes not lack of trust or the expected reaction that might scare from revealing this dark secret, its just the revealing. Although trust does play its major role in this, there are times when its not a factor.

And there are those secrets which are made not meant to be a secret. There is no 'method' of differentiating this, maybe its instinct. Like the ones you keep a secret so that you can let it out later and connect. In any relation(well most of them) sharing secrets is the most vital part in connecting and knowing the other person. Because you're getting access to information which very few or no one else has been granted.

There are so many things we have to say when we talk. We sometimes do run dry on conversations. Does a secret help? Well that barely matters.

There's always this thing that you might never want to say, a part you never wanted to open up...a part for yourself maybe. A secret is such that what connects people so instantly, but on the other hand it might play as the most caustic solvent in breaking things. Sharing it is sharing a part of you. But sometimes its not always about sharing, its understanding the difference for that person of what is to be shared and whats not.
Respecting secrecy. A tough thing to do, really really tough.
But willing to go through all that mind power to kill that curiosity to find out that secret(by any means).
Thats friendship i guess. :)

Happy Friendship day!

Thank you Alanis

The best and the worst thing about this journey : the unexpectedness. And weirdly the 'unexpectedness' always is a product of expecting something...coz you expect "normal" stuff to happen. Ironic is it?

"It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife."
- Ironic, Alanis Morisette

Do I love it?
Despise it?
Let things flow?
Leave it to "Time"?

Sometimes it feels so important to know what you really really want.
And then you set out on a journey to just "know" it thoroughly, takes the fun away.

Speculation and the question : "Is life really that boring?"!
-
Cheers!

The Dark Knight

Just came back from the new batman movie...that is -

THE DARK KNIGHT (spoken in a hoarse creepy voice to add the effect).

Yes, in all the dark splendor that Hollywood has to offer...but not to be confused with the other dark (k)night -

M.Night Shyamalan

Ok, So I go to the movie plex...get a seat for 110 bucks and expect the normal "Yaaay! Hero saves the day stuff." that all the recent superhero movies are cliche'd with. But remember this is the "dark" knight...so things would tend to get creepy, right? And they do.

I have admired Christian Bale for his acting mainly for his role in 'American Psycho' (creeped the shit outta me), and here he comes with the sequel looking 'batty' as ever. But what ho! There's a showstealer here...Heath Ledger as the joker that is. And oh my holy dog! he's defined the qualities of a villian. Makes Jack Nicholson Joker look like a chimpanzee wearing a pink tutu and frolicking around. Yes, I do agree Jack Nicholson was creepy as the joker...but it was just the face. And frankly he needs no make up to look creepy, The Shining and A few good men was a proof of that. But Ledger whirrs past way ahead of him, scoring somewhere near Hannibal Lecter.

Now there's this thing about batman which other superheroes dont have. He wasn't bitten by a radioactive bug, wasn't from some faraway planet, wasn't involved in a toxic waste accident. He's a normal guy, like you and me. So there's this thought that I could also become batman someday. But first I'll have to become a millionaire. Ummmm...build an underground batcave. Have the US military R&D working under me...etc etc. You get my point...possible stuff you see.

And here the batman doesn't locate a crime and exclaim - "To the Batmobile!".
Tho' that was Robin's dialog...and there are some batman expressions which suggests he does miss his partner.

"We are sooo gay!"

But the prequel did show how he evolved to become a trained vigilante warrior of justice. Realistic explanations for the weapons he used and the "batmobile" too. And in this sequel he whips out a "bat-bike" or whatever its called.

Through all these years we have seen batman evolve-

From Adam West's horrifically hilarious hand made haloween costume

"I beat bad guys by the mere stupidity of this pose!"

To the more superior and far more cooler Christian Bale version -

"Okay! this isnt funny, who stole my pants!"

And thats what makes you think...aesthetic appeal does matter when it comes to kickin' badass villains.

And the movie triumphs on this occasion too, since there are many scene's where you go...."Whoa!! that's freakin awesome!". But apart from the ass kicking its the plot and the situations where the viewer gets engrossed. Its a wild goose chase where you'll have to figure out who's chasing who. Anarchy and chaos at its best!!
And with a 152 minute runtime, you wont come out complaining "Man! that could've been longer!". Yes! It is the best batman movie ever for now, but what makes it more interesting that its one of the best movies you'll get to see too.

I did follow a lotta batman through the cartoon's when I was a kid. So Harvey Dent's character as 'Two-Face' seemed just okay for me. The only disappointment in the movie was Nestor Carbonell as the mayor of gotham with a coal black eyeliner(Now thats funny!). And a pleasant thing to see that the plastic Katie Holmes was booted out and exchanged for a better Maggie Gyllenhaal, tho she barely gets much screentime. Michael Caine is well all Caine-like and patches up with Christian Bale after their showdown in The Prestige acting all wise old manlike...well if you were so smart then why didnt you put the batsuit on eh, alfie?

So there you have it. No homoeroticism(link) in this episode of the bat crusader. All you have is kick ass action, a well enough runtime, the joker, and en expression that makes you ask

" Why so seriousss??"

4/5 for me on this movie.

Thats all.
For now.

A stolen thought

Things keep happening around in life. I never chose to participate in any event around me till now. Always waited for opportunity to come and knock at my door. Since that never happened I have not ventured out fresh into this world of goin and giving my own best shots. May it be music,drama,technical events...whatever. Participation! A very fresh discovery for me.

Somehow , in a few ways I do regret it that I've been so dormant all through. I never was sure enough if I would have been good enough. And that "What If I lost?" always hovered in my head. Once or twice I might have taken part. Lost...eventually suppressing me more. Now, interestingly that all has faded away to a large extent, though not completely. But I'm satisfied.

Now one real important thing I've learned till now is that we always have this sharpening to perfection attitude in us in which before we undertake a given task we lay our focus totally on the preparations and be real sure about everything to the extent of validating double checks on each and every attribute required. And when finally comes the stage for the execution of that task, turns out everything or nearly everything goes wrong and haywire. I'm not against planning things. Its the attitude that we have do keep a check on ourselves to be sure of what we're doing rather than goin ahead and doing it.

And then there are times when a task is taken up and all you do is gun it, carry it forward making no conscious checks or having pangs of self doubts of authenticated perfection. As Nike said, 'Just do it'. Thats when things work out. Thats when things start flowing and the true work comes out. So its to come out of that state of over consciousness and go ahead with a target. This is something very similar to what Chris Adler(Drummer of Lamb of god, an Idol to me) said on the Killadelphia DVD.

So thats the message.
Once you feel something strong(may be any magnitude), don't just sit and plan it.
Just do it!

(Hope I dont get sued by Nike for this!)

My Fall

I stood on the edge
I fought in my mind
A degree discontent
Seared in my head.

I forget where I am
I look to the sky
The wind passes me
I feel that I fly.

Floating with no wings
Light as a feather
Drowned into happiness
Blinded surrender.

Away and I move
Progress on digress
The air that soothes
A careful caress.

With wings I cant see
No sound that I hear
A moment I'm free
The next in fear.

My heart it stops
I ended my trip
Reality knocks
As hard as it hits.

This ground that I face now
The journey so far
Falling from grace
My surrender to god!

Of bands and sleeplessness

Since last year jan I've been inducted into the local rock scene by guitar-ing my way to a stage shows with 'Morbid Genesis'. N then came a one show with 'Untouched corpse', further moved onto 'Niflheim'...a show with 'Overdrive' too. But all this time it was mostly about covering songs, practicing 3 days before the show, and just plain screwin and jumpin around on stage. Never took it seriously coz of this and so it was highly sidetracked, since things were not the way I expected them to be.

Meeting Soumitra after a few months, he comes with a proposal of joining/forming a new progressive metal band. And this time it was serious. Then Shubham(another guitarist) tagged along to form the fundamental core of the current band. Things seemed a bit loose for me at the initial phase coz Soumitra(a.k.a Chutu) seemed really excited like a kid aiming to be on the moon just by looking at it. I wanted a big kick start so that there was some check on the seriousness that we might put in the band. Unfortunately my exams were goin in.

Going thru the nomenclature procedure was and is(since we're still nameless) a pain in the butt. We started off with 'String Theory', moved on to 'Lake Thor' and then came 'Blackville' (my favorite) and then onto 'BloodRush', and the manically depressing 'Mahasagar'.

My exams got over and so we took off with the band. Our main aim was making original compositions. This didn't take much time, Soumitra already had some tracks ready so the composition part was brief. We didn't look forward to piling up the track count, coz all we needed right now were a few songs for a demo tape. The main aim was to record these tracks to 'spread the music' and wait for reviews.

The recordings started. And then I came to know how it really felt like. Recording leave alone a whole track, just a riff for the track took us six straight nocturnal hours. Backbreaking it was, but on the other hand it was really fun. Playing guitar seriously knowing that If I play this well someone outside might hear it and like it. Wow! felt extraordinary. There was this drive inside to keep practicing for my clarity and sound. I worked on a single riff right thru an hour and still I wasn't bored of it. This is how awesome it feels! Making music. Pure Fun.

And its wasn't only the music that I really enjoyed, it was the company too. Me, Chutu and Shubham gelled in along so well considering that I didn't know Chutu that well before and never met Shubham till 3 weeks back. We kept on cracking really awful PJ's, torturing each other mentally, laughing like lunatics, jumping around, playing music...and all this was midnight to morning at my place.

We've not been really successful in the recording process so we had to delay the process in search of better equipment. But all the recording was not in vain coz from the amount of work we three put in it was clear what our commitment level to making music was. Crystal!

My sleep patterns got really skewed though, a bit insomnia has set in(if thats what I can call it!). But all this while I never felt this serious considering music something close to a career option.
The best part is I was going through my old diary written when I was 15. I had written this - " I'll be a guitarist of a band one day. A Rockstar."
Well the term 'Rockstar' is pretty embarrassing, but reading that really made me feel this great overwhelming happy feeling.

I'm here now, where I wanted to be!

The House I called Home

A lot of things in life varying in significance are taken for granted. The belief that 'its' just there and would always be'. And later to come to know that there are forces at work which would would go against this inside belief might add a painful level of shock.

I just came to know a few days back that my dad's place at Kodungaloor(kerala) is gonna be locked up, and if it follows suit like my mom's old place...probably get demolished in the future. This was something that would never have come to my head when I was there. I usually go there on vacations to visit my relatives. This house was huge, there were like 5 rooms, a pond, a ground, a garden, a fountain, an outhouse, a well, a stable and had that typical big Kerala family house thing to it. For me it was like a sanctuary during my vacations.

I still remember sometimes when I used to go with mom I used to make a fuss that I wanted to go over to dad's place coz I didn't like it at mom's place where there was no one my age. It was just going to Kodungaloor to this house where each room was inhabited by one of my uncle's or aunt's. And to go there and be greeted by so many people of your family all together - wow!

I do agree that I'm not much into the joint family living thing and all but I guess during the vacations when I used to go there it felt really warm to be in presence of so many people. There was this whole cousins 'gang' thing, usually the 'behenlog'(sisters) used to sit in a room and discuss girly( my ignorance to their topics of interest made me choose this label) stuff and me and my bhailog(brothers) would be out playing cricket or badminton r something. The best part was that a few of my uncle's and my dad would also join us while playing, and that was really awesome. I always used to go during the vacations so everyone would be free at that time.

Sometimes in the morning all of the cousins would go to the pond just to play around in the water, had some really fun times there. I was dead scared of deep waters actually mainly coz I was not a swimmer, but it was really fun just splashing around, relaxing in the sun...etc. The whole 'attempts to swim' would make us all really hungry and so off we would run to the bathrooms to clean ourselves up and be the first to reach the dinner table. Its always rice n sambhar alongwith assorted spices n subzi's n stuff in Kerala, you can't expect domino's of course...but eating the typical 'Kerala-south Indian' food felt like heaven. Though I frankly admit there used to be times when I would get bored of the rice too, but it added the whole 'authenticity' of being 'in' Kerala. After dinner we would either be talkin, watchin TV, or takin a siesta.

The evening would start with 'tea-time', and so there would be some awesome ladoos, mysore paks and other sweets with tea n coffee. Munch munch and then straight to the ground for us 'guys'. Our play would end and we would join our sisters expecting some delightful conversation eventually being shooed off or being given 'the look'. So there would be this time frame where we(as in the bhailog) would be put to thought about what all stuff would they be talking about the whole vacation that kept them so busy. Hmmm... never found out. Sigh.

There always was a power cut from 8-9 P.M. there. So everyone of use would sit outside in the semi darkness with just the moonlight. All the bhailog and behenlog would finally get together and play all sorts of kiddie games like 'red letter', 'chor police', 'lock n key' blah blah...and I guess nobody would be conscious of their own age. The joy of being a kid again, Ahhh!

Nightime, it was dinner and zap off to sleep. People used to sleep pretty early there sometimes. But me and brothers would just wake up late talking about all ummmm....may I say 'manly' stuff. Really fun, especially when my brother would make up this whole story about a 'hot encounter' he had with this girl in class. I used to listen with my mouth wide open and believe all the crap. I never made my own story, I was really bad at it...more plainly speaking - I sucked. We would all try to stay up till the morning but we would quickly drop one by one to increment the sleeping casualty toll.

Years went on. People started growing. Some of the bhailog and behenlog were too mature to be with the kids now so they would be spotted more often with the aunts and uncles talking about more serious issues. The groups got smaller.

The marriage bug came in. One after the other people would leave off to somewhere else. Their membership to the whole 'gang' had expired. I always knew this would happen, but I never prepared myself for the change coz as dumb as I might have been I thought the people would still be the same after marriage. And thats not how it was. The gaps set in. They now had their own children to take care of. What would we talk about when we met, I barely knew any part of adult life. Though I do say there was a 'gap', but it was not a bad one as it may seem from the word...the warmth would still be there, we would talk about the 'old-days' as if we were all sexagenarians. But that feeling of being a 'care-free' child slowly slipped away. Responsibilities had now crept in...there were priorities to manage. And I was still somewhere figuring it out.
Families started clearing the big old house to go off and live alone in the small new one. People split up to places.

We grew up. The frequency of playing had considerably decreased. Being in the same room with some of the remnants of the 'gang' just turned out to be a vestigial procedure. Now there was just me,my sister, my other two cousin brothers and their sisters. All the brothers were of the same age...all the sisters - same age.

Last year, one of my sisters got married. She's in Australia now, happy. My other cousin sister would get married this December. My own sister, well...she would soon be haunted by the "Woman! Its time you got married." bug. Me and my brothers, the survivors (for the moment!!!).

Things are not same anymore. Thats life they say. Though through all this topsy turvy of a journey there is one common thing which we all shared that still exists - The house. The house where it all was. A representation of our memories, stored in the walls of this abode. Calling it a mere dwelling was a laugh. It means a lot more to me. And I probably couldn't bare to witness it evacuated and locked up. But that sometimes is that hardest part of life, swallow and move on. Accept the ways. It feels horrible but not many options to ponder on.

I would soon be going there. To bare witness to the splendor that was, that is. Its my home away from home.



And as everyone knows...there's no place like Home!