Kurt Cobain suicide note...

I have loved this guy and really admired him and here's to remember his suicide note which I somehow find beautifully written.
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"To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.
For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.
I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy.Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!"
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Malice in Wonderland

Sitting alone in a dark room, watching the shadows dance in the darkness. I press my ears on my headphones with my hands listening to sounds of the Metal band - Korn. I go deep into my deep depths of myself in order to find all the happy moments that have passed in the last 15 years.

I realize that either my memory is very bad or my brain is just tending to corrode on happy thoughts. That's me, I only see the sadness around me. It's misery my eyes are always on. I waste my feeling and drain my energy on putting a fake smile on my face.

I just cant carry on like this, pretending that I enjoy every part of this world. I can't afford to lie to everybody. The black inside me shadows my heart to subdue these emotions that compel me to live. I am far from being suicidal right now, coz' I know I have helped many people sacrificing my own valuable time. And I know they still need my help, but that's what i'm reduced to - just a robotic mechanical machine who runs to anyone who needs help.

I just am a not am what I am inside. One of my biggest problem is I have no identity of my own, I always become what the person in front of me wants me to become.
Who am I?
I have no idea,
no clue.

I remove my headphones and open the door to let all the light in. It takes time to adjust my eyes to get used to the light. I look outside and smile. I realize that all I have been has been worth it , and I will be the same demented happy insane child I am.
I am proud to be me....
The Heretic Monk.

A blind Kamikaze

Everytime I wake up, I feel I have entered into a new world . You know those first 30 seconds after opening your eyes in the morning wishing the pillow to be touching your face for the next few hours. Unfortunately we dont control our lives fully.
Everytime I make myself say in the morning "Today it's gonna be different. I'll be a whole new person." Only to sub-consciously realize that I am in the same depth of water as I was yesterday, and the day before , and the day before. When will i possible change myself, when will I be hard workin' and move my silly lazy ass for a while. The answer lies inside all of us. Yet, I am too arrogant to accept it.
It seems so easy nowadays too cut this chord of life - and man they are really many many ways. But I'm not here to give tips on - 99 ways to die. I just need a pinch of sanity to keep my insane life runin' on its feet.
I'm Bracin' myself to whatever comes ahead of me. I live for now , not for the past or the future.
Anyway it's so easy to write this stuff - so damn hard to implement it. Well, that's life right!!!