...obeying the voices in my head...

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Malice in Wonderland

Sitting alone in a dark room, watching the shadows dance in the darkness. I press my ears on my headphones with my hands listening to sounds of the Metal band - Korn. I go deep into my deep depths of myself in order to find all the happy moments that have passed in the last 15 years.

I realize that either my memory is very bad or my brain is just tending to corrode on happy thoughts. That's me, I only see the sadness around me. It's misery my eyes are always on. I waste my feeling and drain my energy on putting a fake smile on my face.

I just cant carry on like this, pretending that I enjoy every part of this world. I can't afford to lie to everybody. The black inside me shadows my heart to subdue these emotions that compel me to live. I am far from being suicidal right now, coz' I know I have helped many people sacrificing my own valuable time. And I know they still need my help, but that's what i'm reduced to - just a robotic mechanical machine who runs to anyone who needs help.

I just am a not am what I am inside. One of my biggest problem is I have no identity of my own, I always become what the person in front of me wants me to become.
Who am I?
I have no idea,
no clue.

I remove my headphones and open the door to let all the light in. It takes time to adjust my eyes to get used to the light. I look outside and smile. I realize that all I have been has been worth it , and I will be the same demented happy insane child I am.
I am proud to be me....
The Heretic Monk.

4 comments:

beetleshit said...

yeh..n i'm proud of u man..ur gud da way u r..i like ur dark demented thots..mks me realize dat not every1's life is full of sunshine n daisies(vich isnt necessarily good, gets on my nerves sumtimes)...
do wat u do best..live life in da dark lane...
:-)

P2C2U said...

Don't worry, mate! Don't let the darkness get you down. I'm sure you're tired of hearing this...but believe me, it's just a phase!

screamer said...

hey, nice blog! keep up the work

bugs - the nomadic bunny said...

hit the nail on the head!! cant believe some one else has written this post. its the lack of gratitude that gets to me, but once again when someone calls i am the only fool who responds...