...obeying the voices in my head...

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Top 10 ways to break it up

Now AskMen.com had an article recently titled 

'Top 10 : Worst Ways to Break up with a Woman'. (link).

Now I am no expert in this field of study, nor am I a professional critic to point out the mistakes the article had. But my opinion was about one thing the article lacked...which was of providing an examplary scenario so that the reader could relate to it. 

Now since I am good at ignoring the truckloads of work that I've got pending in order to do stuff that I really want to...here I am helping out the universe in this personal conquest of asserting my opinions through the power of words!

I suggest you read the article first in order to have comprehensive idea of the random shit that I write!
The two main characters used her would be 'bunty'(the dude) and 'pinky'(the dudette) instead of the mundane 'girl1' and 'boy1' nomenclatures.

Here are the top 10:

10. Under the influence

[Bunty and Pinky are in the 'hippest' of bars in their city. Bunty is "under the influence" of something other than Pinky.]

Bunty : Yo honey bunny, drink and be merry!
Pinky : You never call me that!!!
Bunty : (laughs for the next half n hour) oh yeah! Now I remember. *hic*
Pinky : So what was is you wanted to tell me that was soooo important?
Bunty : You know. About life and various theories...about the birds and the bees...the hippo's in the grass...the porsche's in the barn....you get my drift, eh?
Pinky : Eh? 
Bunty : Yes thats it. Also wanted to talk about....wait I need three more pegs....WOOHHHHOOOOOO!!!
Pinky : God! You're just so drunk right now. I cant talk to you!
[Pinky storms away.]
Bunty : NOOOOOOOOOOOOO......ok. Woooooooohhhhhhhoooooooooo!

Half n hour later Bunty sends the following text message :

'V nid 2 bake up n ptx atj, lyf ir shott. mklkhj hjsfhl qerlhs.'

'Just dont!'

9. With Cliches

[Post confrontation.]

Pinky : WHAT!!! Are you serious???
Bunky : Look its not you. Its me!
Pinky : But you are you, and you're not me. So that still means its you.
Bunty : I mean, we should see other people!
Pinky : Oh but I do. Everyday. I meet up with friends, I go the mall and hang out. I see a lotta people everyday you know. But the mall gets crowded nowadays and so we often....
Bunty : NO NO!! I mean, we're drifting apart.
[Pinky takes a step towards Bunty.]
Pinky : There! solved!
Bunty : NOOO! I mean i'm too confused right now. I need space!
[Pinky takes a step back.]
Pinky : There! Solved again.
Bunky : Goddammit! Lets just be friends ok!
Pinky : Oh cool! Does that mean I get to be at your place more. Awwwww! That'd be cho chweet of you to...
Bunty : I'm gay!
Pinky : ... 

'This might help with the last line!'

8. Remotely 

[Pen and Paper]

Dear Pinky,

You remember those times when I was there for you and you were there for me and we were there for each other. It was awesome n all, and fun n stuff. You nowadays I'm feeling like a man. Like out into this twilight zone n all that shit. Weird stuff man. You gotta see my room now. Anyways, I have so many things to say...

oh wow! my friends are here. Got no time! Oh by the way, I'm breaking up with you. Take care.

[ On IM's ]

Bunty : Listen Im breaking up with you ok. Take this with a pinch of salt. LOL. :)

Pinky is currently offline. She will recieve the messages when she is online.

[ On SMS ]

Lystn, im brkin up wth u. nyc tym. lol. ttyl. g2g.

Remotely! Get it?

7. Mid Date

Bunty : So, hows the paneer?
Pinky : Pretty good. Thank you so much for this buns, it was sweet of you. 
Bunty : I wanna have that. Why dont you break-up the paneer into two, coz that way it would be better.
Pinky : Oh...ohhk.
Bunty : Yeah! And break up this salad too. Coz you know how good stuff is when it breaks up into equal peices and how better they taste individually!
Pinky : Are you trying to tell me something here?
Bunty : Hehe! Well....you know how food is like us. Like we are food things n all. 
Pinky : Hahaha! Yeah. 

[Bunty stares at his food for the rest of the lunch.]

'Still 13 minutes to break the news!'

6. Post - Milestone

Bunty : Honey!! We got the house we've been waiting for for the last 6 months.
Pinky : (Jumps and dances) Yaaaayy! The dream's coming true isn't it!
Bunty : And you know the best part...your rooms bigger than mine!
Pinky : Wait. What! We're in seperate rooms?
Bunty : Dont worry babe, it's only till I move out of the house around next week or so.

5. By assumption

Bunty : Look, things were easy first but now its now. It's changed. Its really hard now.
Pinky : I know.
Bunty : You do! Oh thank god. I so wanna carry on but I just can't.
Pinky : I tried too. But I tell you this, I have been doing my best.
Bunty : I know, and I can see how hard you've been straining for all this. I just can't take it now.
Pinky : It's okay. I'll end it now. Its not like the first one, but this one I will. Its HALO 2 goddammit! Not Age of Empires or some strategy shit!
Bunty : Yeah. Nice graphics I must say though.

[All this time Bunty's assuming they arent in a relationship!]

Halo 2 : Relationship Expansion Pack

4. Through provocation

Bunty : God you're so fat and dumb aren't you!
Pinky : What! No, i'm not!
Bunty : Why do you think people laugh at you all the time.
Pinky : They do??
Bunty : And the fact that you keep talking all the time, inecessently without a halt!! Man!!!
Pinky : Oh gosh!
Bunty : And you're not at all organized and keep wasting your time on your phone calls n stuff. Sheesh! That is so pathetic!!!
Pinky : I know what you're doing here.
Bunky : Gulp. What?
Pinky : You're pointing out my imperfections so that I become the perfect one and you dont even take the credit for making me do so. That is shooo shweeet! I'm so lucky to have such a frank bunny like you. 

Plan B: A Yo Mama session with that 'someone special'

3. Publicly

Bunty : Nice day for a walk "outside" aint it!
Pinky : It sure is. But this is so unusual of you. I think you're upto something.
Bunty : Well, see...the thing is this...
Pinky : Oh! Look at those two. Aren't they cute. Well not half as cute as us though. Ha!
Bunky : Well yeah...about that...
Pinky : And look at them. Can't we hold hands now like them.
Bunky : Well, maybe. For a few seconds I guess. See the thing is...
Pinky : Oh! Those shoes! I want the same one. I heard they are expensive and stuff. But once you're well settled and doing your job you'll buy them for me when we're living together, wont you?
Bunty : Look let's not make a scene here...
Pinky : Ooooohhh! And that dress she's wearing. Just like the one I was talking about you remember?
Bunty : (with resignation on his face) Yes! I remember. Lets talk about our wedding dates then.

'Hmmm...I guess this place would do!'

2. By cheating

[Added Character : Pammi, the other one]

Pinky : You went out with Pammi last night I heard!
Bunty : Yes. Look I can explain...
Pinky : And you know she's my best friend!
Bunty : Yes. And she's different....she's....
Pinky : That's so awesome!!! She told me everything!!!
Bunty : Wait a sec. What?
Pinky : She told me all you wanted was a fling with her and eventually you'd come back to marry me. 
Bunty : I would what?
Pinky : Yes! And you two are not even the same type anyway. But it' s ok for a fling I guess. Till then I have a few guys waiting in line. HA!
Bunty : You have what?
Pinky : You're really smart you know that. This way we dont even lose our feeling of security!
Bunty : We dont what?

[What followed were lotta awkward moments and no break ups.]

'Sssshhh...i think somebody's following us!'

1. Through avoidance

Text Message:
Bunty - I need some time to think. Please dont try and contact me. Will be incommunicado! Understand me. Our relationship depends on this.

5 days later-
Text Message:
Bunty - You arent replying. At least send me an acknowledgement.

2 hours later-
Text Message:
Bunty - Ok fine. Be silent then. I wasn't gonna talk anyway.

2 days later-
Bunty - This is ridiculous. Im gonna leave everything now. Go off the grid. GoodBye!

12 hours later-
Bunty - You think i'm joking, arent you. Ha! Not even a reply doesn't mean you're strong. Its just stupid.

A day later-
Text Message:
Bunty - Ok im sorry, please come back!

2 minutes later-
Text Message:
Pinky - HA! Good. Now back to the wedding plans then...

Ideal Avoidance?


Dagny said...

I love this post!

anksphenomenon said...

I think one of the ways to break up is to just reduce the amount of time u talk to her...

the relationship dies naturally. the other way is to give her a gradual sense of ur intentions... she'd be prepared...

Anonymous said...

loved the HALO one the most... :D

and yeah... these 10 ways sure give a perspective... :P

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