...obeying the voices in my head...

Friday, March 03, 2006

My Credits To Dementia

I am not livin' upto what I'm supposed to. Why? That's coz I'm lazy. I just feel so pressured to live up to a tag that has been imprinted on me because of whom I'm related to. I sometimes feel like the black sheep of my family, and this thougth makes me so depressed that i look for new possibilities to channel my mental pain. Fortunately I have not took to drugs, smokin' or alcohol even if i know i can attain them. I feel to guilty to even think about them. The thing is rock music has helped me channel this pain, and has worked in a lot of ways and even in the most depressing times. But sometimes too much of it has caused me somewhat of a self-depression - a depression due to nothing. I just create these depressions coz' i enjoy them. And this is all subconscious, which i only realize later on.

I have been having fits and shocks lately. I donno why? I just think that i'm pretending, but i can't stop it. And who the hell am i pretending for? I donno. My body just keeps on goin tense sometimes to such extents that i cant even move a muscle. This goes on for two to ten minutes till then i barely can move my finger. I still see myself all numb yet feeling life in me.

Am i goin' mental???


On second thougth..... well its rubbish. I just am so lucky to be here in this world why the hell would I go mental. These fits n all are just my own creation - the sad part is I donno why I created it...

AM I Autistic???

I guess that's why it's called - Diary of a Schizo...