...obeying the voices in my head...

Saturday, July 10, 2010

The Last Snore Bender

There are times when life's decisions are to be made with pure impulse and instinct. When that gut feeling exudes from your solar plexus with the feeling of pure conviction. That split second thought in your head and your decisions are made. The right ones.
Then it happened.
The Last Airbender!

If anyone asked you to describe the experience of watching this movie you'd stammer your ass off since it is then that you realize you feel the complete lack of a knowledge of the sheer number of expletives you might need to verbalize your feelings. In a nutshell it's like being told by the oracle that you're the chosen one, and hence you're all happy and dandy walking down merry street. When suddenly she calls you up and adds an important fact that you're the chosen one to be taekwando flying kicked by 37 red assed baboons who are wearing spiked heels on their new shoes while kicking you in the balls. Oh, and plus you're naked. That's when you tell the oracle what to shove up where.
The only difference here is that there was no oracle. The kicks to balls were much of a surprise.

When last year the promos for the movie came out, I was in awe. I waited like a 16 year old twilight fan who waits for edward cullen to sneeze in her general direction just to share something 'personal and intimate'. That's when the posters and the trailer/teasers looked compelling.

Now how cool is that!

The story is based on a popular nickelodeon series named Avatar:The Last Airbender. Now since Mr.Night Shyamalan knew he'd be thrashed big time if he went head to butt with James Cameron for his monster 3-D epic, he removed the 'Avatar' from the title and thus saved himself from a T-1000 attack.

If it is any consolation to you, even jake sully found the movie repulsive.

Jake Sully's reaction on The Last Airbender

The story revolves around four nation Earth,Fire,Water and Air nations living in harmony till the...wait for it....THE FIRE NATION screwed things up. Some shit about the spirit world and this world and that world. I'm sorry but I couldn't make out from the people snoring in the theater. Hence people need the airbender called the avatar, who can bend all four elements. He is thawed out from a 100 year cryogenic slumber by a water chic who can 'bend' water and the comic(?) sidekick dude. Now the trio stir shit up freeing people from the enslaved fire colonies because they want to restore balance to the world, save the rainforest or some such shit.

[Interjecting comment:
Q. How did people know Katara(the water chic) was pregnant when she was bending water?
A. Her Water Broke!

Now the avatar kid hasn't done his training yet. So he needs to learn how to bend earth,fire and water too. The Fire nation don't like that so much. Coz that would lead them to this :

Fire, Air and Water...check. Guys I need some earth now please!

So the fire nation wants to stop the kid now and bag him so they figh. Blah Blah. The spirit is killed...love is sacrifice shit...i have no clue. I think they could've finished the movie a bit earlier by introducing captain planet fucking shit up and teaching you about proper garbage disposal and recycling.

The guy who made me was seriously color blind!

Still if you do plan to watch the movie I would suggest you watch the 'deadly tape' from The Ring. At least you get a 7 day notice. Hence that relatively would be a slower death than The Last Airbender.

I leave you with Haley Joel Osment's famous words on watching the Last Airbender:

I see dead people...but it's better than watching this movie!


Dumb Eagle said...

this review is the most freaking hilarious thing i've read in a long long time. mail it to Shyamalan so he'd think a 1000 times more before screwing up a fantastic anime like this. really, avatar has a nice story. it's just that he managed to turn it in the bullshit that you just described. it's just sad.

NRkey Menon said...

Thanks for the comment :)
Well as such there are some plans underway to stop shyamalan movies from the reaching the audience. Airbender is gonna have a sequel, which shall be apocalyptic! :(

srijith said...

Ur really funny man! I've read real funny reviews even before this but this just goes out of the way!

I can see some real resentment towards the movie. Hope more movies frustrate u so that we can continue to get such awesome reviews. :)