One...

Sometimes in life all you need is a reason.

Reason.

Seems small a word, but size never determined anything! Just one reason would be enough to change things. To set things in motion. To set sail to farther seas. Just one!

I never thought I would have one. But I just was never good at estimating and predicting stuff anyways.

Things shall change and still be the same...a paradox?

I guess the topic of 'change' has been a major part of my blog. Never do i put thoughts into action is what I thought. But if that was the case then I would have been the same person I was back then. And I'm not.
Change?

Who knows when things happen and how. It does get unpredictable sometimes...but at the end of it all when the road is so clear, it is all about focus and being what you truly are.



[Phew!! Too many thoughts...so little time]

Nightmare

I had these dreams 3 nights in a row. They never made sense. Except on the third night when I had it. But still, it didn't make sense. And so it was a nightmare.
This is a disturbing post for me as I haven't edited anything here just put in what had come to head. These were disturbing ideas which I had in my head since a long time. But since now it had never spawned to such levels that I would have dream about it.
Here it is...
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...I was sweating when I woke up. And there was a man sitting on a chair next to my bed. Looking at me as if he had been waiting for me to wake up. I had never seen this man before in my life and neither did he seem familiar. But I was frightened for he watched me closely with scrutiny. And then he gave me a satisfied smile...but that scared me more.

"Wh...Who are you?" I inquired. My voice sounding different as I had just woken up. I was just about to run.

"Calm down boy. I am not going hurt you. Just stay here. I have something important to tell you." he sounded like a wise man, and had that voice of someone who knew everything.

"But who are you and what do you want?" My curiosity had taken over me.

"I am just someone. For the time being just call me 'god'. See son I don't want to waste any of yours and my time...so i'll put things directly to you, straight and explicitly. All these years that you have been living have been a part of a test. A test conducted by a leading team of professionals just to solve the mysteries of the thinking that you and your kind possess. See people around you are not what you think they are. Think of them as just actors, but highly trained ones. They had been trained to display any form of emotion be it anger,sadness,happiness,love...and all such forms of emotions. You know what I am talking about right!"

"No. I don't." I was shivering violently. I was dying...

"Think of this. You're in a play and people around you are the actors. But mind you son, you're playing the lead role!"

"How does that matter?"

"The attention is on you. Don't you see. You are given the importance. Everything around you is because of you."

"Not it's not." Still in disbelief.

"Yes it is like that boy. Everything depends on you. The way people were depended on how you would be to them. And we only had to study your reactions."

"But you're sayin that people are just pretending!! It cant be...I have felt it. If this is not reality then what is!!"

"Listen to me son. You have been a part of this project since the start. There is no absolute reality. What would you define reality as? Just electronic impulses to your brain that stimulate some of your nerves so that your sense of smell, touch, hearing and seeing is existent. "

"But everything cant be fake. It feels so real!!"

"I'm not saying it is fake. It is just perception. Reality for me might be a dreamworld for you. Thats what I mean to say...there is no absolute reality."

"But I'm living in a world where people are just pretending. How can that be!!!"

"I'm not saying it has been easy all this way. Taking care of every minute detail and driven to perfection to get the feel of reality. But we have succeeded so far, the system is working. You are still under study."

"But you cant control people. They have identities. People don't lie. This is not a dream......
or maybe 'this' is a dream. I know a lot of people from deep inside they cant be fake!! Get the hell out of my head!!"

"Calm down. All those people who you called your parents, your friends, your brothers, your sisters...all of them have a name. But they have been given roles to play here. The names that you know them by are not always their real names. They're just characters given orders to see how you react to them. Its just a test!"

"Hehe...i get this now. So you're saying that all these years what I was living was just a 'play'. Was just a test...

I gotta hand it to you sir. You have been quite meticulous and down to the details to create this fake universe.

All the people...parents, friends, enemies,the ones i love, the ones i hate,everyone...just fall into one category...'actors'. Hahaha...nothing could make more perfect sense could it.
Reality was never defined. It was just created out of boredom by someone who was to lazy to define it. So I would never know whether I'm in reality or in a dream.

All these years...
the anger, the hate, the fights, the frustrations, the will to die, the happy moments, the feeling of immense joy,the faith,the trust, the unity, the emotions, all the feelings, the feeling of love...
all just pretend.

Pretend.
Fake!!
Just a curtain before my eyes to shield from something I cant handle.
Makes sense. People have sacrificed themselves for understanding the meaning of life. And here I am...the sacrificial lamb, living a life where I mean nothing but just a 'thing' to everyone.
Everything, Everyone. Just visions. Mean nothing.
So the purpose of my existence is just to satisfy the curiosity of people.

Haha!! How ironical things can get. All these years I have felt as to not feel anything, any emotions...as they just bring more complexities in life. I thought that they were just to much to handle...so much that their existence seemed pointless. I just wanted to be free from any extreme emotions and free from the feeling of attachment. Live like a robot.
And now here I am. A paradox. When now I understand that there was nothing to run away from...just makes me pine to go back to experience all those feelings again. The beauty of everything in this world can only be fully understood on its loss. Because otherwise things are always taken for granted.

But now nothing matters. Because there is nothing to matter.
Its empty."

For all these years and all these times I always thought I felt inhuman. But this was the first time I was not human.

"Kid. You just have to face things. Come with me."

I had no will to do anything now. But there was nothing else I had to do. There was so purpose. I followed him and went to the terrace and at the edge, where he was pointing his finger down.

People. All standing there. Looking at me.
People...or may I say...actors.
All of them smiling at me. But not even one smile was able to fill the emptiness.
The smile's were real. But I didn't want to test my beliefs on reality.
There was no perception.
The people were standing there. Everyone I knew. Everyone I loved...everyone I hated.
Everyone.
People.

"So...what now??" I had no will for anything. Emptiness.

"You have two options son. First one, you stay here find out things. New things for you now. Restart your life from your current position with the people not being what you knew them as...but it will be reality for you. And you shall start a new journey and search for the purpose of your existence. The tests shall be forfeited. There shall be none of them.

Option two, you jump from here and you get back to where you were. The place which you called your 'dream'. The fake world which seemed so real for you. It's all upto you."

I had never been given an option ever in my life that would change the course of my entire existence. But looking back every decision had the same importance. Everything was important. Or was it...







...I was sweating when I woke up. And there was no one sitting on the chair next my bed.
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Void

I'm empty...
thats all I am feeling now.
For the past few hours I just felt like somebody sucked the living inside of me...now I donno if its the weather, the mood of the day or whatever.

I just feel as if I dont trust anyone, as if people just keep lying to me about stuff they just want me to believe. I have no idea where this has come from. But its freakin messin my mind up a lot!!

I just realized how distorted I can get... n i just want to warn people about it. I try to be sane, but I have got so many identities stuck inside me... I just never know who I really am.

I have no idea what everything means. Things are making sense but in a very non-sensical way.

Suddenly for a moment the world flashed. N here I am standing at what darkness lies ahead. I am lost. I feel hopeless. I feel discomfort.

I feel ignorant of whats happening, that's the biggest problem!!
I have no idea what I'm doin with myself.
I've not properly talked to anyone since the last few hours i guess.
I just feel as if i'm a joker, playing a jester in someone's court just dancing around meaninglessly while I have no idea about myself.

I am just a robot, who just forgot what it was programmed to do.

I just feel like goin on my terrace and shouting at the top of my voice till every neuron of energy inside me says that I dont have energy to think anymore!!!



I know one thing for sure -

This is just a temporary phase.




A phase.

Life Under A Scanner

Freedom. Is it good? Is it independence I seek?

I just don't wanna feel strings pulling me, and so I would feel less like a puupet goin on commands without any individuality.
I might be exaggerating things, I know. But I just want to express it in an extreme way so that the point gets clear on.


"We are not free. We were never free. When was the last time you did something because you and only you wanted to do it. Unaffected by the thoughts of the people around you. Slavery is still prevalant. We have just stopped recognizing it. It's a part of you now. Look at yourself. Ask Yourself. What do you really seek, and are you getting there? What is stopping you?"

I am not going with the cliche's that 'My life sucks' and 'I need more independence' but I just want to make a point that I shall have to be let go slowly so that I learn how to stand on my own two feet. It sounds rude when I put it this way coz every help n protection that I get is for the good of myself.

I am not saying I want things the hard way, maybe I m seeking to live under no-ones command and do what I really want to do.

But maybe I am not mature enough. Mature enough to resist some temptation. I hate to say this but I am at a point where I can be easily submerged into the vices of the world. I just believe that I can hold on all by myself. But then I can only judge about it once I get into that situation.

I remember a few days ago I was tempted to smoke by some people. I refused explicitly. I was so confident about myself and plus I never wanted to break the promise I had made. Yet my parents are not that confident enough. And I can understand why.

I have broken their trust once already and it has never been easy to patch back up. Every thing that I did since then had to go under their scanner of suspicion. I wont blame them actually. I would have been worse If I was in their shoes. But sometimes I just feel like a fool always accused of doing the wrong things everytime. I try and prove that I wont be a fool twice.

But that fails. Its never gonna be easy. And it is natural. I just donno how I can make them trust again for what my intentions are for any action that I undertake.

And being falsely accused is the worst feeling I would never be able to swallow. I gasp for air at such times. But I am to blame too, though not fully, but I got myself into this mess.

Anyways...

Everything happens for a reason.

Pause

You know there are these times in life when you just want to freeze time...squeeze everythin out of a second so that you could just feel it to go on longer. Just to cherish that moment.

A feeling when you get when you dont know whatever that is happening around you...
And strangely you dont even care.

A freeze frame... and thats how its goes. No matter all that you thought you had suffered it all just does not matter coz you just dont tend to remember whatever that happened even a few minutes ago.

Just live for that moment.
Pause.
(Damn! there's no rewind :P.)

She was there...
what more could I say.


Awesome!!! :D

Exile

I dont know things.
I am no-one....
I am nothing...
I am nowhere.

Voices inside my head. They scream for a place just to be heard.I want to exile myself, for all the mistakes I have made. I'm not saying I want to be the perfect thing...but maybe I might
just dream of being that way.
There is no pressure on me as such...I pressurize myself. I just try n push. But there seems no response.

Exile.
Is this the only answer I have. Why do I always want to run away.
I hate attachments sometimes...they just pull you down.
I guess 'hate' is the harshest term i could use for now. I am just grumpy.
I donno wanna cry for all all that attachment. Just dont want to feel stupid. Am just afraid of responsibilities... I just dont want that. I just dont wanna go wrong somewhere.Just am plainly scared of makin mistakes however valuable a 'mistake' is in learnin stuff.

Just am scared with the question 'What if...?' that loops on and on in my mind.
A distortion of my own thoughts is what I am.
I cant seem to find space now.
I dont wanna suffocate my own self.
'There is no pressure.'
Or do I just keep sayin that to make me feel better.


Exile.
I wanna run away and open up my mind.
Expand my thoughts which are currently limited between four walls of a thought process
that are affected by outside elements. By people. Everywhere, Everything.

I wanna be alone.
I hate sayin this coz I know that I might not even be able to survive one moment without some people.
I just satisfy my inner self to say that there is a remote possibility that things would get all happy n merry n gay ...then there would be the 'happily ever after...' ending.


Sounds cute. But life doesnt function like a 'fairy tale' does it.
That is the reason why we have fairy tales isnt it. So that we can escape into another world of fantasy and live virtually as if there is no absolute reality.
Think.
Nothing is absolute is it...
Nothing is forever.

It hurts me to say this... hehe...nothing is forever. How I want everything to last.But things just fade away into oblivion ...and at that I might be standing there wondering.
Thinking about what ould have been the prefect 'Goodbye' which would have made me feel a lot better.
But there is a reason why things are not there forever, just to make us treasure every moment thinkin that this might be the last.
It just makes everything more precious doesnt it.
Nobody wants to take thins for granted.

Think.
I cant control my thoughts can I.
I am not an austere saint am I??
Hehe...am far from that. I just wanna live.
I am not saying I wanna live happily ever after...coz I think that just completely sucks.
Happiness isnt eveything...sadness is inevitable.
And If I dont know the importance of sadness then that would make just more and more unable to feel hapiness.
Every light casts a dark shadow doesnt it.
Its all together, co-existing.
The universe wasnt sewn from a single thread to create a fabric of space and time that would
go on till infinty.
It is co-existence.
There is always an option.
There is always a reason.
There always is an individuality.

Exile.
Hmmmmmmmmm....
do I really wanna go??
I would call it temporary death.
I'm an escapist aint I.
Deja vu.
But then being practical can have more importance...thinking things not as they are just goin on and take everything for granted.
I just know I am just making up reasons to run away from responsibilities. Silly pretexts.
When all I have to do is to just stand there, prepare and face it.
FACE whatever come's my way.
That's it.
Sounds easy doesnt it.
Well...it is actually. There is nothing to it.
The trick is just not to get thoughts muddled up and leave the path of action.
Leave coz you have a reason to complain about the system and why the conditions dont suit you.
Thats the thing I guess...I always complain about things not being the way they are.
Life is about adapting and change sometimes.
I just dont wanna go n know the mystery to life and spoil the fun here.

Why dont I just go out and discover things myself...

I guess thats what life is about...isnt it??
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Phew!! That was how thoughts flow in my head.Am tired now...anybody care for a snack n beverage??

Excerpt from the Diary...

Was just browsing through my ol' diary which was aptly titled 'Diary of a Madman' in its front pages. It feels awesome to read some of this old stuff which I thought I had forgotten, and there are some pages that embarrass me so much that I just feel like tearin off those pages...but memories shall be memories. You can't erase them.
This is one of the days that I just came to browse upon in my diary.

Warning: I even used to write utter crap 2 years ago. If you have read my blog then you are already immune to the crappiness.
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25th May 2005

Hey boss, here we go, 3 2 1...

->Its funny how u make promises of commitment. The sad part comes when you've not acheived half of what you should have done. Promises may be easy to make, but it takes the crap out of you to maintain it. The reality of life is quite bitter to what your dreams you build yourselfare.You always dream of heaven, the the stairway to heaven is much harder than the escalator to hell.

And what for all the lazy people like me could do more, than sit and float towards the place where the devils waiting with his trident. Everyday I make a promise to myself, 99% of them are fake and inneffective, the rest is govt. tax (whatever!!). I make a promise that the moment I get up the next day, i'll be good as new, a changed person. Who would start taking in knowledge untill his brain explodes. Theresult - I wake up next day dreary eyed...finding something to spend time with, other thatn watt is actually my objective.

Coming back from the

Philosophical Blabberrer...

I dont have tutions for Chem and physics (which apparently makes people's eye pop-out!!). The reaction I usually get is "ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR MIND??" I wish my anwer was not "YES". Unofrtunately it is. My determination or commitment is not gainin an inch to what must have gained 3 feet by now. [ I'm stuck in a boat, because the anchor is laid but i'm too lazy to pull back tha anchor, so I cant ride with the breeze. And at that time the other boats have gone far far ahead of me. Though I dont want this to happen, this is watt I am. I sit, I rot!]

But everybody has great expectations from me. They think I work.

I Ajay, Hereby pronounce myself

THE LAZIEST MAN ON THE PLANET

Guess I dont get a medal for that. And meanwhile jinal crawls into IIT. I, Ajay, Master of Dust-mites and flies, (crap)...sit and rot.

Hail to the master...Let's Shit on him.

[Whatever that means!!!]

Sleepy now.

Signing off.

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N that was what I was.

FIN

On and on...

There was nuthin soo interestin goin on in the day.
Just was thinkin of song to make it sound interestin...
i need a riff to sing this! :D
Here it goes...


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Thoughts rush
sky parts
sun rises
rays like darts.

Eyes open
mind shut
deep in the hollow
rumble of the bus.

Destination
Unwanted.
Rather land up
somewhere else.

The sun's a top
mind still stopped.
Slavery remains
of the mind n all.

Automatic moves
of the brain n hands.
Jotting down stuff
later to cram???

Flow with the system
or be a rebel...
I guess i'm too sleepy
that's my only level.

Time flies
though awfully slow.
They call them 'lectures'
and I say - 'what ho!'

Waitin for the hand
to reach the 6.
To run away...
to feel the bliss.

Sitting in the
humming bus again i talk.
Talk with the damsel
so the knight never stops.(beep beep! call on hold!)

Rusted and worn out
I reach my abode.
I gorge on my food
and now starts my road...

-----------

The time table fable....

Just had my first day at college as a second year student.
The day started off badly when I saw the time table n
found out that saturdays were full days n that we had two
labs.

"Two Labs!!!"I exclaimed. They gotta be kiddin me.

I was thoroughly sad with the thought of wasting my
saturday by sitting in college lookin outside the window
while the rest of the world was goin out n havin fun and
sayin..."There somewhere he might be sinkin in between
huge volumes of books."

Hmmmph...sigh! I sat there sulkin in the Lab. But then I
thought it wasnt right. I had to do something I cant just
sit there n sulk and expect it to go away. I had to be
prepared. I wasnt, but now i have to. I think I got a bit
motivated and inspired by some of Dagny's ideals and her
positivity...she constantly hepled my mood a lott
throughout the day.

I was all merry n energetic again. Though at some times
then I passed the corridor again n saw the time table
staring back at me I sulked again. But I guess now i'll
have to learn to take things as a challenge rather than
make attempts to weasel out.

Most of my hours in college are spent in sulkin abt the
people around me n 'how the hell did I land up here?'. But
now I guess I'll have to extract whatever advantages I've
got with me bein here.

ADAPTING. Here's that word again. (Taken from the previous 'college' post!)

Well....life goes on. I'll live.

Had a tiring day, but its ok. I just feel like i've worked.

Overall Mood : Happy!

(Am gettin better at playin Megadeth-Holy wars... someday i might be able to play it on stage!! That would be cool!)

A Reason

Something I wrote a few days back. Felt as If things were changing and going into a more pleasant phase! Seems they are...or are they, duh duh duhhhhh!!
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I lay asleep
Ignorant of the world around me
too unique to blend
never camouflaged in the society.

Of all the times I have been through
doesnt life ever have a lesson
so teach me what it beholds
or shall I just softly glide away.

I'm impatient
I'm weak
Nothings clear
it's all too bleak.

There is darkness that surrounds me
I might collapse
But I still learn to hold on
hold on till my last.

All that has faded away
the darkness has passed
I'm entering a new world
but dont want to go in fast.

All I wanted was a reason
a reason to live my life
and I wont say I got what I wanted
but what I needed to stay alive...

Restart

Click...
thugh thugh. Chink. Whirrrrrrr....

And it has started again. The schizo is walkin n talkin again.

Through all these days startin from a rocky journey to some of the best experience have missed all of it out here.

Shall reignite the flames....so that the pheniox will rise from it! :D

No idea what that meant actually!!

Inspired by Dagny i shall try to start writin regular now.

So... corpse and robbers 2 is on the way, till then bear the other posts please!
------
FIN
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Corpse And Robbers

CHAPTER 1.

Its was evening. Me and Ecks checked into a hotel...a bloody cheap one( As our monetary holdings were just a notch above 'broke'!!). We sat in the lounge area that night as the mice were busy playin soccer in our room. I tried to switch the T.V on, but the only thing that happened was that the switch popped out in spring action.
"Hehe! Careful mate. You just might have launched some torpedo with that." Ecks pointed out smiling at me.

But somewhere near the south china sea, people were far from happy...as they just got signals of an incoming torpedo.

I was browsing through the video tapes the hotel had. Most of them being cheap low budget movie tapes and a few episodes of 'Planets funniest animals'. But one tape that caught my attention had no label on it. Curiosity bubbled in me like a bowl of conc. sulphuric acid.

I put the tape in the VCR only to find that the T.V. wasnt working. My curiosity to find out what the tape was all about had taken over. I did what every T.V. repairer in my place would have done. I started banging the T.V. with my fists alternately from the right and left till some cathode ray emissions started. Suddenly light came on to the screen, and I was successful.

I was going to express my joy to Ecks, but he had gone...mostly to his room...he was sleepy anyways.

I turned the VCR on...and next of what the visual hit me on the cornea of my eye had shocked me. My curiosity went all down the drain watching a series of 'disturbing and shocking' images. I couldnt switch the VCR off...there was some force refraining me to not stop what I saw.90 mins later, I was staring in front of a black screen.
"Whatever it was , it was horrific. Why did I even watch it??" I thought as my mind was preforming triple summersaults in my head.
I suddenly found myself guilty for watching it. I shouldnt have. It was the feeling that pandora had when she opened the box...only of less magnitude(hehe! dumb pandora!).

I took a deep breath, when my phone suddenly began ringing.

Who can it be?? This was my new number!! Nobody except Ecks know about it...and the caller was not Ecks.

I slowly pressed the 'call' button and listened.
"Seven Days!!" came a suppressed voice from the other side.
My heart jumped. I was almost squeeling.
"Who's this?? And what seven days??" I inquired.

Suddenly voice turned normal, normal being that of an old man trying to sound young.
"Oh sorry! I was just telling my secretary that its been seven days since my pants have not returned from the dry cleaners!! Damn those bastards."

"But who the hell are you??"

"Oh! Me. Well I am Mr.D.A. U may call me Mr.D.A. I just came to know you just saw my movie. So....how was it??"

"It was horrible.Unbearable. I dont even know why I watched it."

"Whoa! thats the mildest criticism I have had from my viewers. You being the second....ahem....i being the first. Even the actors dont wanna watch it. Hehe."

"Actors?? what actors?? all I saw were lifeless props hanging around...their emotional expressions make Arnold Schwarzenneger in terminator look like hamlet!!! Why the human torture I ask?? Why the brutality??"

"Ummm...just watch it with a mental squint and you shall see clearly."

"But how the hell did you know I saw ur movie...n how did you get this number?"

"Believe me son, if you were in my shoes you would label that question as a 'dumb' one. Lets just say deperate times call for desperate measures..."

"Ohhhhk whatever. But this is still spooky!!"

"I have to meet you in private, we have to clear all these matters. Reach candela square, the one near the hanuman mandir sharp at 11.27 AM and ask a long hair guy at the bus stand for a match and we shall meet."

(Note to myself: There is always a hanuman mandir as a standard reference to any location in the country.)

"Whoa! what's all this secret agent stuff for?"

"We dont want to attract attention do we?"

"Depends on whether -"

The phone gets cut. The beeping sound of the engaged tone seems odd in a way. Who was the caller? And why the hell does he want to meet me. Its a conspiracy.

Next morning I spill it all out to Ecks. While Ecks keeps his usual cool and laughs it all up.
"You sure you had a good night's sleep yesterday?? At least I didnt." Ecks laughed.

"Yeah I did sleep! And whats this about you not havin sleep...your snore vibrations just caused a major earthquake in San Diego. Might have been somewhere around 130 decibels."

"Yeah! yeah. whatever. Well get out of your rotten dream...we have stuff to do."

"Wait its 11. I have to meet that guy, its all too mysterious Ecks. I guess you wont comprehend. Buh bye now, alrighty then!"

Somwhere in San diego people had been engulfed in fear with the trauma of another earthquake. Ecks had no idea about the 'butterfly effect'.



Saying this I stormed out of the room, leaving Ecks with a did-my-wife-just-divorce-me look.

Hopefully Candela Square was quite near to our hotel.As soon as I reached the place I started lookin for a so called 'long hair' guy. The problem was there were two 'long haired' men. I searched for where Mr.D.A might be... and my eye caught a BMW sedan inconspicously parked in a dark corner.

11.25 AM.The problem of the 'long haired' men still loomed. I went to the guy nearer to me and asked him in a whispering tone.
"I need a match please."

The guy gave me a reproachful look, thought for a while and replied,
"Eh?"

Strike one. I was wrong. Went to the other one.Did the same. Emptying his pockets he found a pack and started waving it in the air.

The signal had been given. But it triggered the ignition of an even more unthinkable car.

A 'Padmini Premier' smoked its way upto the bus stand, and let out a blaring horn. I stood there shocked as the bucket of bolts seemed like it was about to explode any second. I let out a muffled cry as it approached me. And the person driving the vehicle was seen...but the guy had concealed his face inside a scarf and a pair of goggles.
And the driver yelled, "Quick, get in."

I stood there. Thought for about 10 minutes calculating the various possibilities of what was about to happen, most of the calculations being how embarrassed i was to become sitting inside the 'junkyard wonder'.

Finally I took a deep breath and sat inside.
The driver gave a piercing gaze through his goggles and finally put his hand forward,
"Hello, I am Mr.D.A.!!"

Facsimilie of a Fake Smile

You know that feeling...when inside you're wrenchin in agony n torment and then you meet someone at that time...and you give that 'friendly' smile.

The smile...that you conjure up by streching each and every muscle of your face. The body and mind resist its automation...yet you sweat it to give that smile, so that the person in front of you returns the same as a sign of cordiallity. And the moments gone...you're back again to reality.

SLAM! Face first. The sinking feeling.

Maybe I should have replaced all the 'you's' with 'I's'. What the hell anyways!!!

Its this fake smile that I hate. One that you get when you're goin to a hotel n the waiter gives you one...while deep inside he's still thinkin if his wife will give him a second chance again or not??!!.

But this is something that I have been trained to do since all these years...though it does not work all the times. I consider it an art in a way. Its the degree of smile that u give, n there should be a ranking for them -
something like -
(in ascending order)

1.The painful you're getting worse smile
2.Something seems to be troubling you smile
3.Hi things are normal smile
4.Jolly Good day smile
5.You're creepin people out smile

I usually rank a 3 or a 5, though I admit rank 2 comes in the way a lott.

Sigh! masking happiness is a tiring job.
I repeat its an art!!!

[Been a long time since a post...feels good to be back again!!]

Visions...

As I trample on this unchartered earth
I have much left to see.
And if seeing is beleiving
then in nothing I still believe.


A window to the world opens before me
Yet I choose to wander away.
Groping in the darkness unconquered
searching for the light of the day.


For me its living that I seek
not work that rules that day
Finding happiness not too bleak
A world refrain from pain.


Searching for the possibilities unimagined
For a freedom unknown, unseen;
I glide and melt on my thoughts
of a world too beautiful to dream.


A cold mist passes over me,
the sins of betrayal and hatred.
As things that bound me from thee,
the world seems far from sacred.


But hope prospers in my heart
deep inside though vague
Still i pray O lord save me,
save me from this plague.


I open my eyes it seems so clear,
The truth untouched unveiled.
The purity that never rusts -
of the part that I played.

Some call it college, I call it "AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH"

It was one lousy chemistry lecture in school when I took sudden interest in the world outside the window. Three more months

and I am straight outta this braindead school and off I go to a "college".

It was then that the dreams poured in in front of my eyes. Havin toe touchin hair, havin a band of my own, surrounded on all

sides by supermodelish chics, drivin on my (imaginary) bike to the institution...and standing in front of the gate - I see

this is where i'm gonna be. Studyin seemed optional in a college at that time. It was soon I thought that the outside world

of the window had just jumped into me. It was a dream, a very convincing one. 'Its gonne be true' I thought ' maybe I have

power of precognition'.

I was smiling like a creep. The world...oh I have seen such little of it. Damn! three months still to go. What a pain.

And then it was a piece of chalk that hit me on the forehead thrown at me by my lovely teacher that made my senses drag back

to the chemistry lecture(at least for the moment!). Our teacher was creeped out as I was still smilin like a creep, so she

preffered not to ask any question. Maybe she might have read my mind. What the hell!

*****

5 months later...

*****

Grades!! damn! I didnt realise that I was near to hittin rock bottom. Ok they aint good, but they werent so bad either I

guess. It was at the couselling room that the monitors lit up with name codes of the colleges and the seats left in them.

Anything to get in ahmedabad was not possible...but none of the colourful code names of the college had good repute. Their

names went like one of your kamwaali bai's second cousin.E.g- Dalpatram college, Sadvidhyamandal bhavan etc.

My fate had rested on a college with a sad name too. Am too embarassed to mention it here, though its compressed form would

be called - LCIT. I booked the seat in the college. Back home people were congratulating for me gettin an admission. I looked

back at them with a deadpan zombie like expression that gave it clear to the person standin in front of me the fact that

'hapiness' might not have been the present mood.

Next day I set out to the college. Two hours drive and a deep choking sensation as I see the entrance of my college

campus."My" campus!! Of all the pleasant words that I could have chosen to say at that time, I picked a rather different word

that suited my situation - "Shit!!". And my parents heard it too. Somehow they didnt say any anything...and I imagined them

saying the same stuff in their minds.

As I enter the college, I take a deep breath of air in. I didnt wanna exhale it and wanted to just crap out my lungs over

there. Somehow I ran short of that will power. I look around for my fellow students. They were nowhere in sight...and so I

sit next to the peon of the college. Later on I came to know that the peon guy was actually a fellow student. I laughed in my

mind...it was a laugh more like the one's you have in situations such as you got a job in microsoft and later on come to know

that the job is to clean the upper rim of the flush tank in the loo. It was creepy laugh. I wanted to run away!! Fly

away...sprout wings outta my ass and take off...

I start explorin the place and enter an empty classroom. As i enter a window stares at me. 5 months have passed by...
an indication.
Chics, band, long hair, rockin classmates, the gate. I laugh again, more wierder.

Its all gone. Dreams could not have been shattered in a much more uncouth way. What was just left was to take the pill and

swallow it. This pill called REALITY. Oh how colourfull it looks on the outside, and its when you actually swallow it that

the real contents of the pill spew out into your mouth. The bitterness may jusy have been a phase. I needed sugar. Ok! am

goin too metaphorical. I'll stop on the crap.

Of all the permutation and combination of paths of realities why this??? Or maybe its not that bad. I stand confused.

I come back home. I slouch on my bed...thinkin as I always am. Home....Home....2 months ago it would be fun to leave this

place and enter a new world. Sad! everythings not what it seems...or is it 'nothings what it seems.'Yeah! thats better.

Its pathetic to ponder over it. A quicksand of depression awaits...*glug glug.....plop*

******
2 months later
******

ADAPTING. The word meant a lot to me now. As I found new people I can talk to, found some subjects interesting, the place has

a lab too n that also with a valid net connection. That aint bad I guess. Though I still sit in the class and stare out the

window waiting for a chalk to be thrown upon me. But I sit back and relax adn enjoy the dream. 'Hey that could've been me in

the dream!' i think. It would haunt n keep haunting.

I think I leanrt something...its maybe this. As I expected a utopian bliss outta ma life anything that I would get would look

like pigeon-shit, but its when you expect crap that you get somethin better than what you expected.

Life is peachy! What the hell.
--------------------------------------------------
"When the going gets tough, the great ones just party!" - Garfield
--------------------------------------------------

And the oscar goes to...

Today Ladies and Worms I just saw a wonderful movie, brilliantly titled - Alien Vs. Predator. So you have Drama, Action, Adventure, Sex (including a Sharon Stone leg crossing scene brilliantly executed by the alien!) and all that Jazz. So the movie's got the cute n cuddly aliens poking at the bob marley lookalikes called Predators.

The movie has inspired me like no other...and can match upto any spiritual book ever written. It has the depth of human emotions captured that makes the heart melt.

Synopsis (As the names of the characters cannot be pronounced by the foul human toungue, they have been identified by their species) :

Once upon a time there lived two best friends Alien and Predator. When they were children Predator once borrowed a red crayon from Alien. After a few days Predator instead of giving back the red crayon gave the black crayon (this is because predator guys can only see infra red,ultra violet, s ray n all that crap). At this Alien got angry and complained his equally cute n cuddly parents about it.
Since then the war began.
(NOTE : In case you are curious about the really real story of the movie neither me nor the director of the movie can help ya - neither of us know it.)

So you see the Bob Marley lookin Predators slashing the Aliens(who by the way have an unlimited supply of saliva which can solve some severe drought problems...) and the 'Maggi Noodles'(TM) comin' out of their intestines - Really helps in building an apetite. As the movie further progresses the facial expression get more deep and meaningful like a William Wordsworth sonnet.

Rating - G. Yes watch it with your family, much better than Peter pan.

And as we approach the end we see a hint of a sequel. And everybody knows, that everybody whos anybody is waiting.

Next Movie Review : The return of 'Jai santoshi maa'

Diary of "Holy Sh**!"

I have been termed as 'Clinically ill' curently, but after reading this verse of poetry and prose, u might think "Mentally of Physically ill?"

Read it if you identify yoursel as a Sane Person!!
----------------------------------------------------------


Jamie was in his outhouse with his laptop just when he found out that his 'My Documents' folder was filled with South American Porn. Just then a group of 10-15 kids were passing by the outhouse, when little Billy decided of a masterminded plan for eternal salvation. Billy was quoted sayin ,"Ladies and arthropods, the next word we here around us - that shall be repeated a sum total of 2476 times...because that is the path of eternal salvation."

It was with perfect timing when Jamie understood that his laptop was filled with 4 GB's of porn that he shouts - "Holy Shit!"

The kids make their way to eternal salvation...by walking on the parlington road chanting 'Holy Shit' for the next 2476 times. At that time, Father Karros is explaining her daughter about the apocalypse that was to come. With the 'Book of Apocalypse' in one hand and 'Microwave Fishes' in the other he reads on.

Daughter Emily strikes up a meaningful question - "When is the apocalypse daddy? and where will my teddy hide then!".Father Karros' eyes move towards the church window and peers outside. He sees a swarm of Children on their path to eternal salvation.

Father Karros' brows get crossed and mumbles,"So it happens now! and Teddy's not real honey". He keeps the fishes back in the microwave oven and steps outside and shouts - "Run you fools, its the children on the damned. They're here! Run
for your lives you imbecile's.Run! Run! Run!" Just when Marion Jones runs and shouts - "I am not on Drugs!!!" and fades to black.

Farmer Davide Hasslehoff aint moves a bit. He remains as calm as a cucumber on a wednesday evening with a black robe. - "Damnit! got no' taim to finish me book. By the way sonny boy how much time left for the apocalyse?" Sonny Boy playin his
fiddle merrily steps up humming to the tunes of the latest hip-hop number -"Ass something something! IT'S NOW! (ass!) something...shake that booty...something something...Run!!"

Farmer Davide Hasslehoff curses "Darn it! and me got no time to finish me book."

Jamie just then runs out on to his brazilian freinds house on Elm street with flying curses decorated by an occassional "Holy Shit" in between. The children are still on number 1487 on their path to eternal salvation.

Just when Meryl steep, the lazy security devil on the 'escalator to hell' hears this. He runs to Satan and complains - "Dude! God's on his 'Holy Shit' campaign again...this job blows dude!" Satan too busy on his orange marmalade decides to snap out of it and calls God on his cell. He licks of the marmalade from his finger when he stops suddenly and ejaculates - "Buggers left his message that he's gone for a vacation, and I am sweatin my red butt out here on this Job. I quit
man...c'mon Meryl steep lets go bowling in some other dimension."

Father Karros is still pullin his hair out and screams and buys a copy of 'The Exorcist' from a DVD rental stor. Just then a young teenager dude comes up - "Yo...ma man!" Father retaliates to this satanic speech and gets a hold of the
dude,"Dont you see(pointing at a coffee stain at the store table), its the 'apocalypse'!!!".

Young Teenage dude thinks for a while and then suddenly his face lightens up,"Dude! i saw it in this music CD shop yesterday dude. ummmm...i mean the album's by 'Demonic Incantatem' band rigth? I didnt know you were into heavy metal father
dude. Chill man...u into death metal or Acid rock?" He speaks his speech with a waving gesture of the 'Mano Cornuta'(Devils Horns). Father Karros is currently awestruck as the children on the path to eternal salvation where shouting "Salvation!Salvation!Salvation!".

Father Karros faints.

Thats when God calls on a local telephone booth,"Hello, hey Chuck I think satan left. g2g. ciao!"



And that's how the universe ended!!!

Click...and then there was light!

I was lying in bed. Fantascising.
What if i was a billionaire.
Where the hell would i start shoppin.
And all the things came like a rush...
And in my mind came a list, a list of things.
Its what I want that counts , isnt it?
---------------------------------
I want an ESP flying V guitar with ear deafening amps.
I want a Digitech GNX 4 guitar processor.
I want a lambhorghini Gallardo and a porsche 911 parked at my garage.
I want a Suzuki Hayabusa.
I want long braided bronze streaked hair.
I want 10 mbps internet connection with unlimited download capacity.
I want Angelina Jolie to leave Brad pitt and come running to me.
I want James Hetfield come at my home and give me guitar classes.
I want Megadeth to perform every saturday nights in my backyard.
I want to erradicate pop music from the world by giving anti-poppy shots to children.
I want (CENSORED).
I want David Blaine comin at my home to give me Levitation lessons.
I want to shot some unwanted crappy politicians with a Magnum sniper rifle.
I want to ban Siddhu from existance.
I want to buy the Bekingham pallace and then sell it at a very high price to some other sensible people.
I want to write a book about people and ask people in bok stored to burn it.
I want a replica of the Millenium Falcon with a life size chewbacca poster.
I want to make 'Friends' seoson 11 and so on...
I want the Simpsons to be aired till the end of the universe(which is around 22 milion years i think!)
I want to be good at tennis and play a mixed doubles with Martina Hingis and Maria Sharapova.
I want to go and ask Schumacker to let other player win once in a while.
I want Ahmedabad to have Rock Shows every saturday.
I want a band very badly.
I want my computer to be updated every Wednesday evenings and monday mornings to the latest top notch settings.
I want a O2 pda mini.
I want an I pod Nano.
I want Reebok air pump shoes.
I want .....

After thinking all this , the mind goes farther away from its physical prescence to calculate the possibility of having all this.
A few minutes it comes back with a wham in the face answer.
"NO!"

And then i think whats the problem in dreaming...i mean like that does do any harm does it.
So i dream again.
SO here am I.... with everything I want.Every single Godamn thing.
A question - "Then what?"
So I think . I think hard and then I see that there's no difference between here and there.

And so I open my eyes again...sigh.

I want ............................................NOTHING!

Conversations!!!

What I am going to present you next is with this conversation I had with Caution!! Ramanujam...a conversation defining pure intellect, of abstract thinking and reflecting upon our mundane lives as we seek for adventure.... in everything.

Dedicated to Douglas Adams one of the great authors of all time, this conversation is purely inspired by his works!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------

caution!! ramanujam : damn im so itching to play guitar.. but everyone is sleeping

me: ahhh! thats a really sticky situation....

me: thats the good thing about electric that u can plug ur headphones into the amp n listen

caution!! ramanujam: sticky? as in gum?

me: yeah! kabhi kushi kabhi gum!

me: 2 can play at this game

caution!! ramanujam: aha i see so tis sticky sometimes.. other times its khushi?

caution!! ramanujam: is it governed by the transmodular princliples of space time?

me: i dunno exactly mayB the spasmodic shock ventilator mayb the reason

caution!! ramanujam: ahh thought so.... but how does it change exactly, some kind of beta particle disintegraator?

me: naa its the transfusion of hypoallogetic symbiostytic mesa particles

caution!! ramanujam: impropable

me: but not yet impossible.

caution!! ramanujam: swoosh... im in xena transaguada mclxii fighting with zurluks for dominance over the human race

me: damn! those zurluks i thot i disentigrated them in the planet Kornalafoonis IV after the'"7 minutes battle" on the 'sheep dog desert'...

caution!! ramanujam: aha.. they transmorgified themselves just before the blast hit them and zoomed into transaguada

me: damn! damn! damn them them to the depths of zooplon 6. i thot i knew all the tricks those scumbags had!

caution!! ramanujam: they are building the hyper fusion warp diffuser that can send u in a blast beyond the end of the universe

me: holy crapbag! i think it is time u mite use the borostatopheric shield ray(with in built car vipers!)...

caution!! ramanujam: its raining here... car vipers are useless

me: but i guess the photonic shield ray will!

me: it may not ruun for the first time ...coz u might have to remove the plastic wrapping it came with....the remove the thermocol 2...

caution!! ramanujam: holy shit... the rain isnt rain... its ultra nano robo zombies and they are eating up the equipment

me: oh damn! use the meatsos in ur cryogenic ventismatic fridge those zombies are allergic 2 meatsos!

me: did u use it?

me: otherwise use the smoke of a cremated dead cambodian rabbit, who lived a life impersonating sylvester stallone...i guess that not that hard to find!

me: in think i left one in ur cryogenic fridge

caution!! ramanujam: what i just killed id

me: the zombie nano robots?

caution!! ramanujam: no rabbit

me: yes now cremate the rabbit and use deflect the smoke towards the zombies

caution!! ramanujam: brb

caution!! ramanujam: aha it worked

caution!! ramanujam: the zombies are dust

caution!! ramanujam: and we have stiched the mouths of the zurluks( who have surrendered) so they cant reproduce

caution!! ramanujam: the future is safe

me: yeah! baby

caution!! ramanujam: i have thus earned a good night s sleeps

me: cheers to dead cambodian rabbits!

caution!! ramanujam: and fake sylvester stallones

me: yeah! that 2.....so lets raise our purple wine glasses n give a toast

caution!! ramanujam: and with this we precipitate the end of "the intergalactic wars for trans universal dominance and voting rights of cockroaches"

me: yeah! and as they say - "All's well that ends in a well!"
caution!! ramanujam: or a dustbin
---------------------------------------------------------
Peace!

To HELL and back...

...through the wall of smoke a face floated towards me, a face that made me jealous of what sheer ugliness I was made up of. But as I stared at the face, I looked deep into the eye. The eye. It was as if it told me not to live.The eye had a red flame inside it, the rest was a hollow black. The black which would give every insignificant human on this planet a feeling of nothingness, it was a black hole which sucked every insanely happy moments of a thing called life. Life seemed a mere object now.
I avoided his eyes and tried to look at something else, anything else. Yet all I saw was a wall of smoke and this face. The face of a man. A man with immense power, who somehow seemed as if he was refraining from using it.
I looked at the next thing i could look at - myself. Where was I? What the 'hell' is this place? And why cant I stand straight? And who is this handsome guy?Things he's a big shot..eh! The next words that came out of my mouth were purely nothin that I intended to speak -
"Get out ma' way ya' handsome freak." I said this and I started to think...of the fistful reaction that was to come.
The man spoke ...the voice was soothing and clear. So clear that anything he said I just felt as to do as he said.
"You're in the wrong place at the wrong time.Turn back as you stand here, this is not a place for the good ones." There was no sign of emotion in his voice it seemed only like a friendly warning...nothing else.
He faded away leaving me in the wall of smoke...I tried to follow him. I didn't know why but it seemed as if he tempted me to follow him.
Moments later I realized his warning was not a fake one. I had just entered a room.Red light sprawled accros the cramped room. The people dressed in red and black each having a ciggarette in their hand. People sittin and smokin coke...and other lying around on the ground consciously unconscious, staring into nothing.A woman surrouded by three hideuos men , yet the woman only laughed and gave a big grin to me. Two men spraying alcohol from garden hoses and giving their share to everyone around. A guy alone in a corner cutting his own skin with a knife and lickin the blood that oozed out of him.
I was no longer able to walk..the guy spraying alcohol noticed me and gave me a whisky bath. A growl came from behind me, no human growl it was. I turned around, but the red light seemed to steal my vision. I was searching for a door but the wall of smoke surrounded me.
I was choking. Eyes started burning...my head was about to explode. And then I saw a man in front of me , pointing and laughing. Everybody else gathered around me and shared the laughs.
'Where the HELL am i?' was the only thing that was going through my mind...
And then the handsome guy came upto to me with a knife in his hand and said
"You should have.....err....listened to......err....my warning, yeah!You should have."
And he was about to stab me when a man behind me started shouting - "Cut!Cut!Cut!".

A man wearing a cap comes upto the handsome guy and shouts - "You cant even remember dialouges. Damn you!At least do something for your debut perfomance mate, the voice dubbing only does you half good! Damn!" he turned to me and added " You were excellent baby!".

He was....
Our DIRECTOR.