Some call it college, I call it "AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH"

It was one lousy chemistry lecture in school when I took sudden interest in the world outside the window. Three more months

and I am straight outta this braindead school and off I go to a "college".

It was then that the dreams poured in in front of my eyes. Havin toe touchin hair, havin a band of my own, surrounded on all

sides by supermodelish chics, drivin on my (imaginary) bike to the institution...and standing in front of the gate - I see

this is where i'm gonna be. Studyin seemed optional in a college at that time. It was soon I thought that the outside world

of the window had just jumped into me. It was a dream, a very convincing one. 'Its gonne be true' I thought ' maybe I have

power of precognition'.

I was smiling like a creep. The world...oh I have seen such little of it. Damn! three months still to go. What a pain.

And then it was a piece of chalk that hit me on the forehead thrown at me by my lovely teacher that made my senses drag back

to the chemistry lecture(at least for the moment!). Our teacher was creeped out as I was still smilin like a creep, so she

preffered not to ask any question. Maybe she might have read my mind. What the hell!

*****

5 months later...

*****

Grades!! damn! I didnt realise that I was near to hittin rock bottom. Ok they aint good, but they werent so bad either I

guess. It was at the couselling room that the monitors lit up with name codes of the colleges and the seats left in them.

Anything to get in ahmedabad was not possible...but none of the colourful code names of the college had good repute. Their

names went like one of your kamwaali bai's second cousin.E.g- Dalpatram college, Sadvidhyamandal bhavan etc.

My fate had rested on a college with a sad name too. Am too embarassed to mention it here, though its compressed form would

be called - LCIT. I booked the seat in the college. Back home people were congratulating for me gettin an admission. I looked

back at them with a deadpan zombie like expression that gave it clear to the person standin in front of me the fact that

'hapiness' might not have been the present mood.

Next day I set out to the college. Two hours drive and a deep choking sensation as I see the entrance of my college

campus."My" campus!! Of all the pleasant words that I could have chosen to say at that time, I picked a rather different word

that suited my situation - "Shit!!". And my parents heard it too. Somehow they didnt say any anything...and I imagined them

saying the same stuff in their minds.

As I enter the college, I take a deep breath of air in. I didnt wanna exhale it and wanted to just crap out my lungs over

there. Somehow I ran short of that will power. I look around for my fellow students. They were nowhere in sight...and so I

sit next to the peon of the college. Later on I came to know that the peon guy was actually a fellow student. I laughed in my

mind...it was a laugh more like the one's you have in situations such as you got a job in microsoft and later on come to know

that the job is to clean the upper rim of the flush tank in the loo. It was creepy laugh. I wanted to run away!! Fly

away...sprout wings outta my ass and take off...

I start explorin the place and enter an empty classroom. As i enter a window stares at me. 5 months have passed by...
an indication.
Chics, band, long hair, rockin classmates, the gate. I laugh again, more wierder.

Its all gone. Dreams could not have been shattered in a much more uncouth way. What was just left was to take the pill and

swallow it. This pill called REALITY. Oh how colourfull it looks on the outside, and its when you actually swallow it that

the real contents of the pill spew out into your mouth. The bitterness may jusy have been a phase. I needed sugar. Ok! am

goin too metaphorical. I'll stop on the crap.

Of all the permutation and combination of paths of realities why this??? Or maybe its not that bad. I stand confused.

I come back home. I slouch on my bed...thinkin as I always am. Home....Home....2 months ago it would be fun to leave this

place and enter a new world. Sad! everythings not what it seems...or is it 'nothings what it seems.'Yeah! thats better.

Its pathetic to ponder over it. A quicksand of depression awaits...*glug glug.....plop*

******
2 months later
******

ADAPTING. The word meant a lot to me now. As I found new people I can talk to, found some subjects interesting, the place has

a lab too n that also with a valid net connection. That aint bad I guess. Though I still sit in the class and stare out the

window waiting for a chalk to be thrown upon me. But I sit back and relax adn enjoy the dream. 'Hey that could've been me in

the dream!' i think. It would haunt n keep haunting.

I think I leanrt something...its maybe this. As I expected a utopian bliss outta ma life anything that I would get would look

like pigeon-shit, but its when you expect crap that you get somethin better than what you expected.

Life is peachy! What the hell.
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"When the going gets tough, the great ones just party!" - Garfield
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In the fortress of solitude!

How does it feel to be all alone? Ah! I must have forgotten that feeling, and am pining to know how it feels again. I am sick of being there for people and help them with all their stuff and for all their gain as I loose my own time even though it wouldnt have been put to much productive use. My time is all I have, let me go through it. All I want is nothing, just exactly nothing to be asked from me or for me. I WANNA BE ALONE!

Why? I know that once I reach for that lonliness I would come back to my mentality that I want people around me. I am just an example of how humans dont accept what they have and what they're given, takin' every second they breathe for granted. Everyone seems to have this problem, like suppose you are in place A and you start thinking "wouldnt it be better if I were in place B" and when put in place B mostly people tend to say " Place A was better , why couldnt I just stay where I was". But , yes there are people who appreciate their new surroundings and by god's(if there is one) grace are happy with it, they eventually get bored and come back to the same position. Humans are restless. I am too. I am human. And to err is human.
We people just cant decide if its curiosity or our own safety that governs us and so that gets reflected on our actions.

All I want is to be alone on an island for a specific period of time that I can choose. And with me I want a pc, an mp3 player, internet broadband connection, and maybe a Mcdonalds nearby. I would stay on the island for a long time. I am sure. I need time to think , time to learn, time to understand, time to contemplate. All I need is time alone.

All of us do, right? Or maybe I'm an alien!

I just dont need the prescence of human life around me right now. I have a phobia of crowds, and slowly am developing a phobia of meeting new people. But I am very good at supressing my feelings even if it is fear,sadness,anger(not pretty good at controlling anger nowadays, i burst!), happiness too.

But now I have tried to evolve my brains and push it to the next step , so its like unlike asking "Why am I like this god?" I would straight go to "What should I do to make it better!". Positivity aint my cuppa tea, but doesnt hurt to try. So I aint goin through the 'convert all your negative thoughts into postive' mumbo jumbo crap. Negativity is fun... aint it!

(Sorry for my sudden shifts in topics, a mind is a terrible thing to waste!)

I'm Awake!!!

A long time back Aristotle said " Man is a social animal". It is quite evident Aristotle and I haven't met.

I have this bad habit of thinking. It must be surprising of why I call it a bad habit. For me it is one. The more I think, the more I assume life. The more I assume life and what it has to give, the more I get to know how much little it has to
give. So the more I keep on thinking, the more I get depressed. Darkness fills me when I think. Negativity in abundance. I watch as my thoughts crumble upon this insane symmetry of life.

I lose hope. But somehow the emptiness doesn't suck me in that easily. I build four imaginary walls around me keeping my mind assured of protection from the outside world.

Sadly this has become my occupation. So I have thought of a plan to keep myself working all the time and never give a chance to my mind to think. The more I fill my head with things I have to work with, the less empty it becomes.I remain occupied
with myself.I still remain confined in my artificial imaginary four walls. Though the me that is confined in these walls is quite not the same to the me that reacts with the people and the outside world. It's all a mental picture.Quite a delusoinal
concept or a wierd strategy, but its still experimental.!!!
FIN!

Malice in Wonderland

Sitting alone in a dark room, watching the shadows dance in the darkness. I press my ears on my headphones with my hands listening to sounds of the Metal band - Korn. I go deep into my deep depths of myself in order to find all the happy moments that have passed in the last 15 years.

I realize that either my memory is very bad or my brain is just tending to corrode on happy thoughts. That's me, I only see the sadness around me. It's misery my eyes are always on. I waste my feeling and drain my energy on putting a fake smile on my face.

I just cant carry on like this, pretending that I enjoy every part of this world. I can't afford to lie to everybody. The black inside me shadows my heart to subdue these emotions that compel me to live. I am far from being suicidal right now, coz' I know I have helped many people sacrificing my own valuable time. And I know they still need my help, but that's what i'm reduced to - just a robotic mechanical machine who runs to anyone who needs help.

I just am a not am what I am inside. One of my biggest problem is I have no identity of my own, I always become what the person in front of me wants me to become.
Who am I?
I have no idea,
no clue.

I remove my headphones and open the door to let all the light in. It takes time to adjust my eyes to get used to the light. I look outside and smile. I realize that all I have been has been worth it , and I will be the same demented happy insane child I am.
I am proud to be me....
The Heretic Monk.

My Credits To Dementia

I am not livin' upto what I'm supposed to. Why? That's coz I'm lazy. I just feel so pressured to live up to a tag that has been imprinted on me because of whom I'm related to. I sometimes feel like the black sheep of my family, and this thougth makes me so depressed that i look for new possibilities to channel my mental pain. Fortunately I have not took to drugs, smokin' or alcohol even if i know i can attain them. I feel to guilty to even think about them. The thing is rock music has helped me channel this pain, and has worked in a lot of ways and even in the most depressing times. But sometimes too much of it has caused me somewhat of a self-depression - a depression due to nothing. I just create these depressions coz' i enjoy them. And this is all subconscious, which i only realize later on.

I have been having fits and shocks lately. I donno why? I just think that i'm pretending, but i can't stop it. And who the hell am i pretending for? I donno. My body just keeps on goin tense sometimes to such extents that i cant even move a muscle. This goes on for two to ten minutes till then i barely can move my finger. I still see myself all numb yet feeling life in me.

Am i goin' mental???

Naaaaa!!!

On second thougth..... well its rubbish. I just am so lucky to be here in this world why the hell would I go mental. These fits n all are just my own creation - the sad part is I donno why I created it...

AM I Autistic???

I guess that's why it's called - Diary of a Schizo...