I'm Awake!!!

A long time back Aristotle said " Man is a social animal". It is quite evident Aristotle and I haven't met.

I have this bad habit of thinking. It must be surprising of why I call it a bad habit. For me it is one. The more I think, the more I assume life. The more I assume life and what it has to give, the more I get to know how much little it has to
give. So the more I keep on thinking, the more I get depressed. Darkness fills me when I think. Negativity in abundance. I watch as my thoughts crumble upon this insane symmetry of life.

I lose hope. But somehow the emptiness doesn't suck me in that easily. I build four imaginary walls around me keeping my mind assured of protection from the outside world.

Sadly this has become my occupation. So I have thought of a plan to keep myself working all the time and never give a chance to my mind to think. The more I fill my head with things I have to work with, the less empty it becomes.I remain occupied
with myself.I still remain confined in my artificial imaginary four walls. Though the me that is confined in these walls is quite not the same to the me that reacts with the people and the outside world. It's all a mental picture.Quite a delusoinal
concept or a wierd strategy, but its still experimental.!!!
FIN!

My Band???

This is the link to my so called "band" site thanks to garageband.com .--
http://www.garageband.com/artist/antimoney
Or listen to my song directly by clickin here-


There is only one song that I have uploaded and am workin on the next few.
Its not so easy, damn it!
I have still not come up with a polished song all the ideas that are in my head are raw and could not materialize into a physical state due to my inactivity and laziness.
But for now this is all I have! just check it out....

Peace -
A.J.

Kurt Cobain suicide note...

I have loved this guy and really admired him and here's to remember his suicide note which I somehow find beautifully written.
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"To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.
For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.
I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy.Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!"
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Let Poison be thy cure

(My writin skills aint that good , so maybe this would be a headache to read. Be free to comment on anything)
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Yes, I have decided it. It's final. This is the end, and I will help myself come closer to it. The method that will lead to my end is still undecided.

Hmmm... Stab myself. Nope, slow death.
Jump from the roof. Nope, too painful.
Stand in front of a fast car. But that may risk the life of the person who's driving the car too. I dont wan't anyone else to be hurt cause of me.
Think man, think what could be a fast and painless death.
Poison?
Seems painless.
The problem is - where do I get it from. I mean I cant go into a shop and say " Excuse me. I need one bottle of poison that would bring a painless death."
Will Rat poison do? Well, food from the school canteen might work better against rat poison.
The chemistry lab, of course.

And so I ask my friend on the phone trying not to reveal my deadly plans to him. "Do you think in some way you can die if you accidently swallowed pottassium cyanide from the school lab?"
"Yeah, right!" came from the other end of the phone."The only thing you'll get is an indigestion or something."

So i'll have to think of plan B.
Suddenly I noticed a cleaning liquid kept on the floor. Observing it closely I found a symbol of a skull, next to which was written 'Do not swallow. The following liquid is injurious to health.'
This may do well.

Now that that's done, next we come on to the suicide note.I took an empty page and scribbled on it -
" I just got bored you know. So that's all folks."
Somehow it seemed to inappropriate, but that's what I wanted.
I go near the window and take a breath of fresh air.
"My last breath." I smiled trying to hide the sadness.This aint so easy. I take the cleaning liquid and open the cork. Strong nauseous fumes came out from the bottle.This aint easy at all.
I raise the drink,"Bottom's up".
As my hand goes halfway through the journey towards my mouth, the phone rings. Thank god for telephones, it saves lives.

I picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Please dont die. Please dont kill yourself." Came a worried voice.
I was stunned. I looked up and stared at my ceiling - " God. Is that you?"
The answer was quick."No. Look, here. I am a boy who lives in the building just in front of yours. Dont get offended, but I have been observing you through my telescope from my house for a few weeks. I just found out all things about you from your neighbhours, you know. How you have been so helpful to everyone, how well you study, how you always are a hero at your school. I heard everything about you, right from stuff about your girlfriends to how well you play the drums. You see I have no friends and all I needed was an Idol to look up to. And so i found about you and really liked you, and so I decided I just wanna be like you. I dont want my idol to give up just like that. I know you'll be too angry by now knowing how I've been peeking into your life just to satisfy mine, but you cant just give up like that. Please dont leave me. At least think about all the people that rely on you. Think." He took a deep breath.

I was speechless. What was I thinking.
Oh my god. I accepting myself as a loser.
Even though this boy's voice seemed too kiddish to make sense, he just said the right words.
"Ummmm... look kid, I am angry at you for all this you have done. Just come downstairs i'll meet you there and we'll sort this out.Do i make myself clear."
"Yes, sir."

I took the cleaning bottle in my hand and threw it away.
Suddenly, I seemed so happy to be me. I have a life. Somebody looks upto me as an idol.
Oh my god! What was I thinking?
That's it, I'm gonna live past 99 or whatever.
This boy just changed my perspective of life.But suddenly I felt responsible. Responsible for this boy, responsible for myself.And I was never so good with resposibilities.
But It seemed - What the heck anyways, things are the way they are.
It's my life. It's me and I'm happy to be here.

I walked downstairs and just across the street found a boy waving at me happily.That's him. Poor boy, he's so cute how come he doesn't have friends.
I smiled.
I breathed the fresh air.Oh! fresh air.
Thaonk you , God.

I walked a few steps towards him feeling all free and happy at the same time had the burden of a responsibility of living.
I told you I was bad at responsibilities.
The next thing I see are blurred visions of a car approaching and a red pool I was lying in.
The last thing I heard was guy asking - " What were his last words?"
Then the boy who saved my life stared blankly at him and said -
" He said he was happy to be alive."

I tried to open my eyes. Tried.
Blank.
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Semi Paralysis

This is a part of my free writing exercise, where I vomit stuff from my brains and mash up to form nonsensically sensical words in an untidy arrangement. I let my hand run through the paper freely as if gliding on its own , so then I understand whats really on my mind.Sorry for the fact that it is a pain in the ass reading this stuff.
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I taste the air,
A bitter whip
slashes through this
tasteless life.

A cause of reason,
a reason too soon,
a feeling giving,
of breaking the moon.

How silent darkness,
spreads like a disease.
Wander in it's own path,
with an eerie ease.

A plight of the sight,
searching behind
a reason to pry
the untouched mind.

Polluting the brain
a self corroded drain.
the downfall of madness,
the climbing of sadness.

How cryptic life is,
leaves no clues behind.
Partly showing signs,
mostly to hide.

Apparent reasons,
untie the knot
unfold the reins
of the ruins of the day.

A climb on the hill
a man pleases not
a tingling spine chill
the humans forgot.

Of how is to climb
to fly in this air.
A shape of spirit
the shape of despair.

Sacrifrices forgotten
too late to accept
a bond that was broken
a promise unkept.

I never end
I go on.
It ties no ones soul
waiting to promise -
to end in peace.

I paralyse...

The Faceless Victim

This is just a spontaneously written poem, so I never thought over it or read it over and over again to check it or anything. It's just a source to channel my thought's flowing through my head right now.

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I stand alone,
Watching the daylight as it freezes my thoughts.
'I am nothing, I am no-one'I repeat,
yet why do i feel like I'm all.


Is there any gain which takes away the pain,
Or only loss - to know what I have.
The blood that pumps through my veins,
dissolves in a defeat I accept.


I cannot stand forever,
I have to fall.
When and where? I question myself.
Is this the time or has it gone.


A faceless me stares endlessly
Into this painful mirror.
That reflects the darkness accumulated
through this dreadful journey.


Is it black all I see, or is it all that is,
Is what we see so real.
If what we see is what we get,
blind is what I think myself to be.


Step by step, inch by inch,
I crawl to the unseen mountains.
Climbed by my masters and by others
but not yet by me.


I stand in the shadows,
looming over me as I stand,
without proper dignity
without respect.


I speak therfore
no sense I hear.
All jumbled up tommorow,
All teared up today.


But somehow before falling I think,
'It's not being the best that's all about.
It's just the journey.'

Cryogenic Hibernation

'It was the middle east war goin' on and we had called for a chopper backup. We stood there still in the Tyrant Dictators office when we heard some muffled voices coming from the next room.We crept towards the room and made as little sound as possible. I kicked open the door and shouted "freeze." But no-on was there. They had already gone. But they left behind a
small gift. A time bomb, beeping continously with its irritating sound. Nobody in our team knew to defuse a bomb. We stood there helpless. The sound was getting faster and faster. I picked it up and banged it several times. It was gettin' more faster. I rattled it, no help. Sweat poured off from my forehead. And then a long endless beep.

"I opened my eyes, and stared at the alarm clock menacingly hoping that it would switch off on its own. "Damn you." i curse and strech my hand and bang on it."Ah! sweet silence. Now just five more minutes and i'll be fresh in no time."

It's suprising how the human biological clock can't make out the difference between five minutes and three hours while
sleeping.
Why do people sleep? To regain their cosmic energy? To kill time? To feel like dying for 8 hours and leave everything behind? Or just a celebration of how hard mankind has worked hard since we evolved?
Whatever it may be for all I care is to let it be the way it is.And I remember two years ago saying "Man! Sleeping is a waste dude. I mean think of all the time I could save without sleep." Boy was I dumb back then.

When I sleep I not only sleep, I hibernate. What I mean is that even if there was a brazilian samba dance troup performing around me I wouldnt even notice it. I sleep like I missed uot sleep for the last ten years. And an alarm clock doesn't change even a teeny bit of it, it has never served it's purpose for me.

In my last two academic years sleeping more than 7 hours was a hideous crime, and these rules will also be again implemented later on in other parts of my life.

For now durin' these vacations I have transformed myself into a Garfield, except different species. I sleep , I eat, I sleep , I eat. Hmmm... that might be it I guess.

Well, off I go onto the sweet dreams ..... zzzzzzzzz.

Malice in Wonderland

Sitting alone in a dark room, watching the shadows dance in the darkness. I press my ears on my headphones with my hands listening to sounds of the Metal band - Korn. I go deep into my deep depths of myself in order to find all the happy moments that have passed in the last 15 years.

I realize that either my memory is very bad or my brain is just tending to corrode on happy thoughts. That's me, I only see the sadness around me. It's misery my eyes are always on. I waste my feeling and drain my energy on putting a fake smile on my face.

I just cant carry on like this, pretending that I enjoy every part of this world. I can't afford to lie to everybody. The black inside me shadows my heart to subdue these emotions that compel me to live. I am far from being suicidal right now, coz' I know I have helped many people sacrificing my own valuable time. And I know they still need my help, but that's what i'm reduced to - just a robotic mechanical machine who runs to anyone who needs help.

I just am a not am what I am inside. One of my biggest problem is I have no identity of my own, I always become what the person in front of me wants me to become.
Who am I?
I have no idea,
no clue.

I remove my headphones and open the door to let all the light in. It takes time to adjust my eyes to get used to the light. I look outside and smile. I realize that all I have been has been worth it , and I will be the same demented happy insane child I am.
I am proud to be me....
The Heretic Monk.

Holy crap worshipper

"Standing on edge of sanity some things makes sense pretty much, but unless you have fluctuating mind that runs parellel with your own actions there is no edge of reason."

Hope my crap writing skills improve. Here is a test for the readers to read the following. If you understand this, please explain me . I don't.

Here it is -

This seems like just another parody of mankind that he created to destroy his own self . Only to breathe upon an insignificant speck of a planet called the earth is what he wished, or is it the manner of trash that he posseses - a thing called money thats so much binds him to strech out his arms and reach for love . Well, cant money buy love .I laugh as an attempt to clarify the hell that has rose from its own belongings. That no eye can see that no world can beleive . Few things that ever changed and created an introspection to the humiliated society and its sociopathic beings that never made it to the final breath. Few Remain who know everything , yet know nothing that could be given out. Beating criticism wont help in its untimely death due to come. Nobody wants to live again, the rest become ghosts. Me , do u think i'm real. Well, guess what?....
-
Courtsey,
My insane mind.

Uncommon sense

Hope any of the next series of stuff i write makes any sense to the hypothetical population thats readin this buch of crap -

All in broken pieces shattered and no scope of gettin it back to the same postion where it was. How many times has a person thought of going back in time and redo the things that were not meant to be done. But only those things are the things in life its not always what you want is what you get. Coz' your mind has not tasted every fruit life has to offer but still we make our own fruit and silently think back in our minds to eat that juicy fruit on day. Well, then what. What do we do after that. A blank wait for nothing... or wait for a more jucier fruit that has more to offer. But in the corner of the mind there is always a thought hovering in our minds that there is no such thing such as a more jucier fruit yet we pretend to know of such a fruit and push others into the same line as they arent suppose to fall.

- Yeah i know i'm distorted...

The Dark Harvest

The Black Moon rose,

Reflecting the life that I chose.

A chill in the air shows signs of a storm,

This bitter cold would never cease.

I grope through the darkness

to find the shattered peices,

But all my attempts end in vain,

All this suffering and this pain.

All the anger bottled up inside

Waiting to erupt on a harmless victim,

It's not that I chose to live this life,

It's this life that chose me.

No, I ran out of clues,

to this bitter search for happiness,

and satisfy my soul

with this weak smile that's stuck on my face.

All the anguish and all the fear,

I wish all of it would dissapear.

So I could see again this world of misery,

And laugh at the pity of mankind.

Nobody knows their limitations.

But my limitation is the only thing I have.

Stuck in this everlasting darkness,

I grope back for my sigth.

God, it's not your fault,

It must be mine.

Because all the facts of truth is what I can't deny.

And all that you have given me is what -

I cannot find.

My Credits To Dementia

I am not livin' upto what I'm supposed to. Why? That's coz I'm lazy. I just feel so pressured to live up to a tag that has been imprinted on me because of whom I'm related to. I sometimes feel like the black sheep of my family, and this thougth makes me so depressed that i look for new possibilities to channel my mental pain. Fortunately I have not took to drugs, smokin' or alcohol even if i know i can attain them. I feel to guilty to even think about them. The thing is rock music has helped me channel this pain, and has worked in a lot of ways and even in the most depressing times. But sometimes too much of it has caused me somewhat of a self-depression - a depression due to nothing. I just create these depressions coz' i enjoy them. And this is all subconscious, which i only realize later on.

I have been having fits and shocks lately. I donno why? I just think that i'm pretending, but i can't stop it. And who the hell am i pretending for? I donno. My body just keeps on goin tense sometimes to such extents that i cant even move a muscle. This goes on for two to ten minutes till then i barely can move my finger. I still see myself all numb yet feeling life in me.

Am i goin' mental???

Naaaaa!!!

On second thougth..... well its rubbish. I just am so lucky to be here in this world why the hell would I go mental. These fits n all are just my own creation - the sad part is I donno why I created it...

AM I Autistic???

I guess that's why it's called - Diary of a Schizo...

A blind Kamikaze

Everytime I wake up, I feel I have entered into a new world . You know those first 30 seconds after opening your eyes in the morning wishing the pillow to be touching your face for the next few hours. Unfortunately we dont control our lives fully.
Everytime I make myself say in the morning "Today it's gonna be different. I'll be a whole new person." Only to sub-consciously realize that I am in the same depth of water as I was yesterday, and the day before , and the day before. When will i possible change myself, when will I be hard workin' and move my silly lazy ass for a while. The answer lies inside all of us. Yet, I am too arrogant to accept it.
It seems so easy nowadays too cut this chord of life - and man they are really many many ways. But I'm not here to give tips on - 99 ways to die. I just need a pinch of sanity to keep my insane life runin' on its feet.
I'm Bracin' myself to whatever comes ahead of me. I live for now , not for the past or the future.
Anyway it's so easy to write this stuff - so damn hard to implement it. Well, that's life right!!!

People R strange

y is it people, that we always pine for something we dont have?

We always look at someone else and say "Yeah, man i wanna be like him/her.I want a good body, a great face, lots of money." Well , all i have to say is dreaming isnt a crime. But when we think deep in our minds does anyone feel that everythings all we need. So there comes another question of what is want and what is need. This is the most tricky part - bcoz something that u always wanted later on builds up and bcomes a need. And suddenly u start fantasizing about it and keep your thoughts fixed on it. But, to desire is human , right. And sometimes what happens is that you pine for a thing so long that when you eventually get it - u think "This is it! This is what i've been waiting for such a long." But leave it this is a rare case. All we think is to be in someone else's shoes and daydream. And yes i have seen some people go so deep into this daydreaming that they somehow forget their own identities and associate themselves with what they want to be. ( After reading this sentance dont think that i live in a mental institute coz if u look closely at the people around you you'll know what i'm talking about.) Greed is altogether a different thing but i dont wanna go into that its just another topic.

So y is it that we only see others riches and not look at what we have? Well the thing is that whatever things we have we take it for granted . We dont know the value of anything unless it is lost or stolen or borrowed. Also another thing is "Humans like to compare". And when they compare the always try to compare themselves or others with the best . Hey, what the hell who wants to be the best?

This stuff gets mighty complicated but people , even though i'm just a teen i tell u this -

"Look at yourself First and understand what you are , who you are. "