So far, So good, So what...

I was always into music since I was a kid. Back then it started with 'hindi' songs and using my mom's old turntable to listen to the sounds of the beatles and santana and abba (though I found it hard at that time why people liked santana so much!). The turntable was awsum at times, it had that old charm thing associated with it...that vintage feeling of old is gold thing. And this thing was quite old, coz it looked like a survivor of world war 1. This was all during '95 - '99.

The main influence for my love in music has been my sister, coz whatever she used to hear...I had to hear it. Coz once she records a song, she kept on playing it again n again for days till the 'juice' ran out. I was so bored by the 'my heart will go on' song at that time that I used to make fits in front of my sis that if she didn't stop that song then i'll have to leave home and run away so that all the blame would be on her. (hehe! at that time I always used to blackmail my family members that i'll leave home and never come back. And my 'leaving home' never got past the front gate!). Slowly suddenly I started liking those Celine Dion songs coz that was what my sister used to loop. And then there was a song 'To the moon and back' by savage garden...brings all those ol' times back.

At that time there were no mp3's and cassetes used to cost 120 bucks (which was quite high considering our pocket money was 50 bucks a month!). So what my sis used to do was keep a tape recorder ready near the TV and record stuff directly whenever one of her favorite songs appeared. Channel V was her main source at that time. The quality was awful and was only clear to the point that the lyrics would be barely audible. But it was kinda like a desperate time , and desperate times require desperate measures.

My second most significant influence was my cousin brother Prashant. He introduced me to a whole new world of rock at that time, we'll come to that later though.

So here starts my timeline.



2000 - The 'backstreet boys' time was here. Most of the people I know had this part in their lives for a time, when backstreet boys was considered to be the epitome of 'cool'. Pop had dominated over a lotta things at that times. Also others were N'sync, 911, boyzone, spice girls....and all that kinda similar stuff. I was never a fan of britney or christina at any point though, coz they had that 'i'm a dumb bimbo' image stuck to them which was really irritating. I must admit tho that I used to listen to one particular album of spice girls and the song 'wannabe' was something that I used to loop over and over again. But I got bored of it eventually.
I remember the time the sony stereo system had entered the premises of my humble abode, I used to keep the 'everybody' song on total loud volume to showcase my 'cool' choice of music to my neighbors. And then people at school started listening to it and discussin about it. I remember there was a particular line '...am I the only one?...yeah...am I sexual...' and then all the people would go all 'Aay haay!' as if they had just witnessed a murder taking place. The school mount abu picnic was fun coz this was the only 'engliss' song that people knew. It was also quite hilarious though watching people try to act cool coz they thought they knew what the lyrics for the song were.




2001 - The horizon was expanding and backstreet boys were sounding the same as they started. Started listening to corrs, sheryl crow, garbage, RHCP and all that stuff which sounded a bit more mature than the usual poppy stuff.
At that time Eminem had taken over a large part of my musical time because of his controversial and funny lyrics filled with profanity. The label 'Parental Advisory lyrics' was quite new to me at that time. And hearing silent beep over the tons of 'F-words' was something I found really funny at that time. I started memorising the lyrics and made attempts to rap at the same velocity at which Eminem was goin at. Though I never sounded right it was fun to try.

As I was fond of eminem at that time, so I tried my hand at some other hip hop stuff. But I never liked all the other stuff coz all o' them sounded the same and boring. It was just like 'plain talking' with some rythmic beats in the background.

At that time mp3's had entered and it was quite easy to get CD's of your favourite songs now. Downloading was not a ver good option though coz the dial ups were really slow (it took 20 mins to download a single mp3!).




2002 - The hip hop effect had gone, and I gave up trying to decipher what all the lyrics meant which usually consisted of money,fame,booty and blah blah stuff like that. At that very time I had heard a song called 'Points of authority' on channel V . I didnt like it much the first time I heard it but then it kept on goin on in my brain. It seemed catchy. And so I downloaded the song and found myself listening to it everyday, almost evertime. That was when I got interested into rock music as such. I got more and more curious about linkin park and had bought an mp3 CD and got obsessed to it.

The thing I liked so much about LP at that time was the way in which they let out all emotions of sadness, anger, frustration etc. without the use of profanities. The song 'One step Closer' had meant a lot to me at that time and I was obsessed with it. The song has a part in which frontman Chester Bennington shouts 'Shut up! Shut Up! Shut up when i'm talkin to you!!'...god! it was so amazing at that time to have that feeling of freedom through music. I got the hybrid theory and the 'Reanimation' album and soon I started collecting cassettes. I also had bought a 'Limp Bizkit' album at the very same time...it didnt make much sense to me though. And there was a song called 'Hot Dog' which apparently had 56 'f-words' in the song and justified with the 'notorious bad boy' image fred furst had. But there were other slow and jumpy songs too through which I found limp bizkit empowering in a way.
But my obsession with LP just kept on increasin. I started readin stuff about them, about how the band was formed, about their past, almost every interview....I was one big fan. I even had joined all the chatrooms and found similar people on the net ( I had to sneak in to a cyber cafe sometimes to surf the net coz I was not allowed more than 10 mins at home!). LP had taken over a huge part of my life at that time.
It got all expressive coz I had so much frustration inside me...being he 'invisble kid' (hehe!). And I knew that none of the people around me would understand the music that I listened to, and that made it more precious in a way.
It was a channel for me now.




2003 - Meteora had been released this year and LP had quite a fresh sound now, they seemed more mature though. There was no equivalent of 'One step closer' but 'faint' was quite close to it.
I started memorising the lyrics and started rapping. Mike Shinoda was the one who I idolised at that time. And I was pretty good at it. I started writing my own lyrics (which were quite pathetic!!) and started practicing. The rap/rock genre was what I was pretty much stuck to... this also included limp bizkit and papa roach.
Papa Roach had a new flavour to it...and the agression it had was quite awsum.

System of a down had come into the scene now. I bought their first album. And personally, I hated it quite a lot. It had profanities in every song, the lyrics were meaningless and the tempo of the songs was confusing. Then I heard the second album. 'Toxicity' was born in me. And then came 'chop suey'. The lyrics were wierd, some really funny (listen to : pogo and jet pilot). And now I had gone back to the first album and it sounded better now. Musically SOAD was realy fun to listen to, mostly becoz of their quirky n whacky lyrics. But some songs had a meaning...especially the song 'Spiders' which sounded quite poetic.

At these times I was getting highly philosophical in life and started getting the 'i'm feeling low' thing quite often. It was tough...and all the music that I listened to helped only in some ways. Although 'One step closer' was the most liberating song at that time, it felt as is there was a need to find something new.

As I had gone for a trip to crossword I was searching for something heavier and more heavy metal types. I was browsing through the cassettes when one album cover really had an impact on me. It looked quite creepy at that time. It was Korn - issues.
I bought the album on the spot, went home at sat listening to it on my walkman. It was deep and had a lotta hard emotions to it. At a point it was disturbing, but the creepy sounds from the guitar were simply awesome. It had a sudden impact on me. And I found a new channel now...though I still had LP on my playlist. But this music was darker, deeper and explored a new horizon.

Soon sunny (my neighbour) had also joined me with a similar taste of music. He loved LP and korn too. And the feeling of sharing musical tastes with someone was really something I was looking for. To discuss about the songs, the lyrics, the riffs...everything. Splendid.

Somewhere near that time my cousin Prashant was workin in surat. So he used to come over to our place whenever he had his weekends free. He was the only who greatly influenced into listening to classic metal stuff. I remember that we had gone for a walk once and he explained me the whole scene how metallica was, what megadeth was and how maiden inspired him musically. All of it did not have a sudden impact on me though, coz I used to tell him that megadeth didnt make much sense compared to LP and papa roach. He was laughing at me and said that i'll regret my statment later on. Funny thing is , I did.

As we went home my bro' found a megadeth cassette lying in our collection (it was Siddharth's contribution actually!). I had never heard it with interest...but my brother goes to the stereo, Starts the player, rewinds the tape and plays the song which is still there playin inside my head. It was 'Hangar 18'...and I tell you this the feeling that you get when you listen to that song the first time...incomparable!! Next was 'Holy wars...the punishment due' which was equally awesome. And then there was metallica which my brother had brought along with his collection. He had 'St.Anger' and i think the black album too. He made me listen to both these albums, and it was really a great feeling to listen to all this stuff all at one time. Though metallica didnt have much impact on me as megadeth at that time.
Was totally into megadeth.




2004 - Megadeth was still ruling me brain, but St.Anger was also goin on on parellel lines. Though St.anger didnt have that much of an effect on me except the songs 'Some kind of monster' and 'The unnamed feeling'.I knew about metallica since a long time. When I was in the 7th I had heard the 'Load' album (which my sis had borrowed from parasaran i think!) but it sounded quite deadpan at that time except the song 'Better Than you' (liked that one) and then there was 'I dissapear' which was the song i liked coz of the uber-cool video.

All the fast guitar riffs and solos had been goin on in my head for a long time now...but I needed something different for a while. Nirvana was the answer to that. I remember the first time I heard 'Smells like teen spirit'...the first time I had headbanged I guess. And it had this liberating power in it...Kurt Cobain was god! The lyrics seldom made sense and were barely audible sometimes, but when Cobain uttered words in his raw and rough voice it barely mattered. 'you know you're right' had the same effect and a lot more songs from the 'Best of nirvana' album. I started listening to a lotta other stuff like foo fighters, pearl jam, creed, Deep purple,Guns n roses, evanescence, Oasis etc. And everything started makin sense now. Music was not only about aggression anymore, it had layers.

9th october,2004. My sis had got passes for a gig at CEPT. This was my first rock show, A day I would never forget. Jinal N Rish were there wimme ( And I couldnt have imagined anybody else more perfect to accompany me that day). I had a total blast that day. It was unforgettable. And it was on the front lawn of the CEPT campus, which is quite an awsum place. And there was Big ban theory performing at that time. Splendid! Had headbanged so much that had a sore neck the next morning, but it barely mattered to the amount of fun that I was havin. I seriosuly wanted to learn the guitar now. I wanted to be with music, and create it too. This was a big day!

And now slowly the downloading music started being a common thing. I got a lotta music videos and Mp3's from Siddharth...a lott...and I really thank him for that.

Maiden had now entered my playlist all of a sudden, but I was too choosy about their songs. I listened to it mainly coz Siddharth used to tell me that it is really superb. Only 'The trooper' and 'The wicker man' were the maiden songs that I personally like, rest were so so n ok.




2005 - My main inspiration for learning guitar had been Siddharth. watchin him playin spanish solos on the guitar was really really inspiring! I joined a guitar class and was really impatient at first to start cracking the songs. But I was stuck on learning basics for a long long time. And it really irritated me coz my instructor used to gimme 'hindi' songs while I was sitting there tryin to play metallica. There was not much co-operation and I left the classes in barely 2 months from when I started and had planned the learn the guitar all by myself.

I started listenin to Hendrix and Led Zep quite a lot at that time. While korn and megadeth were still there existing. Had heard 'nothing else matters' at that time and was totally moved and touched by the song. It was the first whole song that I had learnt to crack on the guitar apart from 'Come as you are'. But things on the metallica scene were goin on the same way, when one day I came across one of their classics.
And 'master of puppets' was born for me. Metallica had been my master now...and I was the puppet. :D . The first time I heard master of puppets the song...and when the slow bridge was being played I remember just closing my eyes and feeling the music. I felt it.

I was totally into thrash metal now. Next I heard 'And justice for all...' which also stayed in my head for a long time... and the song 'One' had been an anthem for me. It was a like a prayer. Hetfield was god now! And I had total affinity towards all the metallica albums before 'Load' and 'Reload'.

I remember goin to the terrace at 11 in the night and air guitarin to the whole of 'And justice for all...' album. All of this had been with me for a long time back then.

Korn's 'Untouchables' had come in my hands now and it was quite an emotional album. Along with the Mix of 'Life is peachy' and the first album, all those nights on the terrace with my discman and the music...some seriously emotional and tough times had got through.




2006 - I had never stopped learning the guitar since the day I picked it up...and the guitarin was still on. I got my first electric guitar in May and later on in july my sis had bought me an RP50 guitar processor fro spain. It all added up and I was addicted. I would practice and keep on playin and I was never bored....ever. I didnt have a tutor, which was somewhat of a disadvantage but I was proud of the fact that I learnt all of what I know on my own.

Now I was deep into understanding music. I was maturing musically on one side while things were still the same in many ways. I started listening to bach, beethoven, mozart, Vivaldi (a bit) and It really felt meaningful now. I remember back when dad used to hear all this stuff I would always tell him that none of these instruments made sense. But now it was different. I was really moved by all the classics and also found a bit of the same taste in what mom used to listen to - Carnatic music. I was more receptive now to the different genre's of music and things were crystallizing. Though I still dont have the same interest in all of it now, but I still listen to it. And that feeling of knowing music really comes to me.
And now it was Floyd. I was never ever really fond of pink floyd myself...but my sis used to listen to the song 'wish you were here' so many times that I came to really understand that song later on. Though I have not been through the whole floyd collection I still find some of the songs really magical. Having the same effect as floyd was 'the doors'. It had that same magical effect that floyd had created. And all this was far different from what my usual taste of music was... and that exploring of genres was an awsum experience.


By september, college first year had started. The frustration was building up. I was angry at myself, but at the same time I was quite sad too. I was in hell. I just wanted release. I went back to my thrash metal stage now. I was quite bugged by college at that time, and I turned to more heavier and darker forms of music. Death metal had slowly made its way in some ways. But I would only listen to it at times of extreme anger or frustration, it was like a reserve thing.

I was into Children of bodom now. They ruled my playlist. They still are.





Present Year(2007) -
So Bodom it was ....continuing its way. Also have all the old stuff with me like metallica and megadeth n korn...cant forget them.

Was playing in a band at this time and was exposed to maiden quite a lot. I was crazy for maiden for a while. But some of it wore off with time.
This year I have jumped into more heavier forms of music I guess. 'Heavy metal' still rules over 'death metal' for me.
'Sepultura' had also had a great big entry in my playlist this year. The sound is awsome, guitars are ok. Superb drums (not playing wise but by the sound!)
Am totally into 'Trivium' and 'Lamb of god' Now....supposed to be of the 'metal-core' genre.


Though all these new things keep on coming I still will never forget my roots. I feel alive and free with the music. I agree that I am dependant on it in many ways, no denying that actually. Its just my refuge I guess to give me that liberating feeling. I donno how people perceive my love for music, but I confess it that I just cant live without it!!

Peace...ROCK ON!!!

[Phew!! this might be the longest post I've ever written!!]

music.mp3

The morning today was horrible. Nothing wrong happened as such, things just felt that way. And I had a grumpy face almost all day long.I t just didnt feel right. Monday mornings do have that effect on me.

Now the thing is that I felt quite lonely today. There was no messaging today and I didnt even talk to anyone. I just didnt feel like talkin to people around me. This feeling was there throughout the day. But I had my mp3 player along with me. And so I felt the power of music surge in me...and it was awsum. From morning to evening I had the earphones in me ear... nd I couldnt let go of it. Had listened to a lotta 'Lamb of god' today, sounds awsum nd empowering at times. And I didnt have that knot in my stomach anymore...except wen I removed my earphones (and still I would be air guitaring and drumming to the riffs playin on and on in my head!). I was not all that social today...but with music with me all the time, I just dont give a damn!!

Seriously...if I didnt have my player today with me it would have been hell. Cant imagine how I would have been.
And when I got home I got to go out to buy some stuff...had taken me 'gallant steed' and had music in my ears. Oh and the feeling is awsum ya know. With the wind in your face while you're listening to your favorite track!!
Ahh, bliss!
I was literally smiling and freakin out people today coz I was happy to hear the news about 'noise' selling so many copies and just the fact that I felt like a free bird!

The wind and the music. Cowabunga dudes!!!

ROCK ON!!!

At day's end

I did what I planned to do today. Was out the whole day and kept my mind off of things.
But now am wierdly so tired that I cant think properly...the so called 'brain' that I possess aint functioning. Everything that is happenin right now is purely on what emotion I'm goin through.
I just just kept on sayin things that werent processed in my brain and just went through without any filters...totally raw. And I was swearin' too. I felt bad about that.

Takes me back to friday when I was angry at my senior for he was sayin stuff abt a day when I was pissed off. I suddenly got up from my seat and started shouting and pointing at him and I did swear. It did feel very bad coz he didnt reply and I thought that I would be bashed up for it. But he was silent. That only made me feel worse actually. I did feel a bit strong tho' coz I did stand for what i believed for...just that I was downright blunt to say stuff on his face. And some things never change even with a 'sorry'. Apologies dont help everytime. They dont mend stuff. It was a mixed emotion. Am a confused 'kid' myself.

So, here I am...feeling wierd about things. Just learnt that never figure out things and keep thinking that this is the way things go....coz just when you thought you got it figured out, things strike back. There's this feeling inside your brain - 'Nothing is what it seems!'. Makes sense sometimes.

Random thoughts.
No nightmares tonight I hope.
Happy to be alive,
happy to be living for a reason!

Adios!

D-tox

Lotta stuff has been goin through my brain since last night. Things just bugging around and seems like they're playing tricks in my head.
I have to detoxify myself from all these thoughts. I need to keep myself busy in a way, so that I dont get time to be alone and think. Coz i know that if I start thinking things aint gonna be pretty.

I donno why I'm so bugged!! Just a very strong n bad sense that something not good is gonna happen. Am still scared. I shall stop now.
Get started with work i guess, my detox!

Untitled

I donno watts wrong with me...i was sleeping when this nightmare just flashed.
It is seriously stuck on to my brain. I donno if i'll be able to sleep now.

I was sitting on my terrace it was evening. And I was sitting near my usual place,when just that time somebody came up on the terrace, walked in front of me towards the edge and gave a sideways glance and smiled at me. Then he jumped and was no more on the edge.

He was me.

I seriously cant sleep. I just sensed in the night that something bad was about to happen, but I thought that I was paranoid about it. And now i just feel to disturbed and shaken. I'm just too scared now. I still have that feeling that something bad is about to happen. I guess i'll be extra precautious about stuff due to this horrible dream.

I donno what all this means, somehow i'm not curious. I just am scared, really scared and insecure!!
Shit!! I'm gettin paranoid that something is gonna happen...

I'll just calm down now since i've blogged it. Does help in a way. Somewhat.

To end on a humorous note -
Good Night!

Invisible Kid

Now i'll tell you the story of a boy who didn't like going to school.
A boy who was invisible to the rest of the people, half of them might not even have known his name.

Ok...i'll cut the crap.
Few days ago I was reminded of the ol' school days...this was during the time when all I knew abt jinal was that he was an 'efficient nasta stealer and a bit of a flirty type'...while rishabh...all I knew was that 'he could draw well'. Period. So this was when I didnt really know people from their inside how they were and what they were. They just existed for me...they had no value as such other than just having people around. I liked a lotta people and had so much fun playin with all o them, but emotionally I was one sick freak. Being hypersensitive about every minute thing, was scared to lie coz then 'bahot bada paap ho jayega' thing, had barely flesh inside me(see: skeleton-like) to open the textbooks and close them back.

I donno why I am spilling all this out...its just that I want it outta my system.

I am not in any way blaming all the people around for how mean they have been. Though there was this time when somebody bluntly shouted at me sayin ,"You can barely do anything right and you just try to sniff yourself and hang around girls expecting they would talk to you. Truth is that they dont even know that you're around. Filthy asshole!!". I was appalled when I got to hear this directly being said on my face, but the fact was that it was true. I hated myself for a lotta stuff... I never had achieved anything, I had no talent and mom n dad had to encourage to the point of forcing me do something creative, I was never good with the marks system. But the thing was I was never bad or a failure either.
I was just stuck somewhere in the middle. And the label 'average' had been laid on my head. At first it didnt seem bad but slowly it degrading and I started hating being called normal. Gradually I always took the word 'average n normal' to be associated with 'Who the fk cares about you, you can barely make it to the top!!' thing. I never had any reason to work on...it was all like if i get good grades then I get a better computer or something else that I wanted. But I never did care about all that stuff, maybe I was spoilt coz I got things that I wanted. I just got so pissed off at stuff that I just wanted to run away from everything.

I was slowly getting consumed by bitter thoughts. I would curse myself, sometimes hit myself, punch the wall till my fingers were bruised n started bleeding...and at a point it got all too worse when I started playin around with knives and sharp objects. I even thought at a time that I was an antichrist coz I had scratched the words 'pain is god' on my hand. It got all too dark and bad. The escapist and the defeatist attitude slowly crept in and at some of those hopless days I would be standing on the edge of the terrace making 'life-altering' decisions. I was never ever pressured at home...and that was something I saw past at how lucky I was to have such great parents. I was too consumed to having myself thrown away from the daily rut if living blind.

Around at that time I had started listening to rock music and slowly moved on too heavy metal and all its sub genres. It did change a lot in my life. I had a way to channel my anger, pain,misery, sadness...any extreme emotion. But the darkness didn't fade away as such...it was still there at the same level tho I was making myself believe that it was not there and I was fine. Ignorance is not always bliss though.

I did find it tough to fit into school coz I didnt interact with many people. My universe just mainly consisted on 4 of my friends. I was weak and was quite an easy target for bein picked and pushed around. I had a girly and weak voice, which made it easy for people to point and laugh at me sometimes. I never fought back coz I thought that noone is bad inside they just make mistakes...n I easily started forgiving people coz I knew I wont fight back. But it did spawn violent thoughts in me sometimes and I had even pictured myself bringing a shotgun to school so that people would listen to me and knew who I was. I think during the same year the colombia/arizona school shoot outs had happened and then I was just shocked at how sad it was and how pathetic I was to have even thought about having such awful things in mind. I was the saint's devil...hehe. Thats wat I called myself...proceeded further to being the heretic monk.

Outside,as a person I was seen as the achha baccha who would always help people and do good no matter what. Well that was true in a way...coz I was all that, just that deep inside I was mixed up in identifying who I really was. But I still hated myself coz things had not changed in any way...I was still termed as 'the average guy'.

I wanted to make my prescence felt but I didnt know how. Just then later on I started growing my hair and a beard and started dressin differently and tried to change the exterior part of me. I never wanted to grab attention exactly coz I was scared and shy of talking and reacting to people, being in mental isolation for so long.
Call me stupid,foolish, an ass, wierdo, freak...anything but it just worked at that time. I was out of the 'average guy thing' coz people now did notice me. I wasnt the skinny gawky kid with braces anymore. I did feel like someone else. It was wierd coz I started to talkin to people and had the best time of my life when I got to meet jinal n rishabh. I remember when our school had started and I didnt know jinal that well, he asked me ,"You know actually you dont look like that old Ajay now. But tell me why have you grown your hair and all this beard n all? I dont get the point actually." And I just smiled back and said ,"Yaar...you just wont understand!". Hehe, and now look at the irony.

I like the change as such coz I wasnt called the 'normal - average' guy anymore. Though I was even called a 'freak' by some people, but surprisingly it didn't feel bad at all. The invisible kid had gone by that time...and I thought I had an identity now.

Things were not all happy and gay(as in merry) but there was hope.The darkness was still there....its still is.

Otherwise I would have to change the blog title ...right??

One...

Sometimes in life all you need is a reason.

Reason.

Seems small a word, but size never determined anything! Just one reason would be enough to change things. To set things in motion. To set sail to farther seas. Just one!

I never thought I would have one. But I just was never good at estimating and predicting stuff anyways.

Things shall change and still be the same...a paradox?

I guess the topic of 'change' has been a major part of my blog. Never do i put thoughts into action is what I thought. But if that was the case then I would have been the same person I was back then. And I'm not.
Change?

Who knows when things happen and how. It does get unpredictable sometimes...but at the end of it all when the road is so clear, it is all about focus and being what you truly are.



[Phew!! Too many thoughts...so little time]

Nightmare

I had these dreams 3 nights in a row. They never made sense. Except on the third night when I had it. But still, it didn't make sense. And so it was a nightmare.
This is a disturbing post for me as I haven't edited anything here just put in what had come to head. These were disturbing ideas which I had in my head since a long time. But since now it had never spawned to such levels that I would have dream about it.
Here it is...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


...I was sweating when I woke up. And there was a man sitting on a chair next to my bed. Looking at me as if he had been waiting for me to wake up. I had never seen this man before in my life and neither did he seem familiar. But I was frightened for he watched me closely with scrutiny. And then he gave me a satisfied smile...but that scared me more.

"Wh...Who are you?" I inquired. My voice sounding different as I had just woken up. I was just about to run.

"Calm down boy. I am not going hurt you. Just stay here. I have something important to tell you." he sounded like a wise man, and had that voice of someone who knew everything.

"But who are you and what do you want?" My curiosity had taken over me.

"I am just someone. For the time being just call me 'god'. See son I don't want to waste any of yours and my time...so i'll put things directly to you, straight and explicitly. All these years that you have been living have been a part of a test. A test conducted by a leading team of professionals just to solve the mysteries of the thinking that you and your kind possess. See people around you are not what you think they are. Think of them as just actors, but highly trained ones. They had been trained to display any form of emotion be it anger,sadness,happiness,love...and all such forms of emotions. You know what I am talking about right!"

"No. I don't." I was shivering violently. I was dying...

"Think of this. You're in a play and people around you are the actors. But mind you son, you're playing the lead role!"

"How does that matter?"

"The attention is on you. Don't you see. You are given the importance. Everything around you is because of you."

"Not it's not." Still in disbelief.

"Yes it is like that boy. Everything depends on you. The way people were depended on how you would be to them. And we only had to study your reactions."

"But you're sayin that people are just pretending!! It cant be...I have felt it. If this is not reality then what is!!"

"Listen to me son. You have been a part of this project since the start. There is no absolute reality. What would you define reality as? Just electronic impulses to your brain that stimulate some of your nerves so that your sense of smell, touch, hearing and seeing is existent. "

"But everything cant be fake. It feels so real!!"

"I'm not saying it is fake. It is just perception. Reality for me might be a dreamworld for you. Thats what I mean to say...there is no absolute reality."

"But I'm living in a world where people are just pretending. How can that be!!!"

"I'm not saying it has been easy all this way. Taking care of every minute detail and driven to perfection to get the feel of reality. But we have succeeded so far, the system is working. You are still under study."

"But you cant control people. They have identities. People don't lie. This is not a dream......
or maybe 'this' is a dream. I know a lot of people from deep inside they cant be fake!! Get the hell out of my head!!"

"Calm down. All those people who you called your parents, your friends, your brothers, your sisters...all of them have a name. But they have been given roles to play here. The names that you know them by are not always their real names. They're just characters given orders to see how you react to them. Its just a test!"

"Hehe...i get this now. So you're saying that all these years what I was living was just a 'play'. Was just a test...

I gotta hand it to you sir. You have been quite meticulous and down to the details to create this fake universe.

All the people...parents, friends, enemies,the ones i love, the ones i hate,everyone...just fall into one category...'actors'. Hahaha...nothing could make more perfect sense could it.
Reality was never defined. It was just created out of boredom by someone who was to lazy to define it. So I would never know whether I'm in reality or in a dream.

All these years...
the anger, the hate, the fights, the frustrations, the will to die, the happy moments, the feeling of immense joy,the faith,the trust, the unity, the emotions, all the feelings, the feeling of love...
all just pretend.

Pretend.
Fake!!
Just a curtain before my eyes to shield from something I cant handle.
Makes sense. People have sacrificed themselves for understanding the meaning of life. And here I am...the sacrificial lamb, living a life where I mean nothing but just a 'thing' to everyone.
Everything, Everyone. Just visions. Mean nothing.
So the purpose of my existence is just to satisfy the curiosity of people.

Haha!! How ironical things can get. All these years I have felt as to not feel anything, any emotions...as they just bring more complexities in life. I thought that they were just to much to handle...so much that their existence seemed pointless. I just wanted to be free from any extreme emotions and free from the feeling of attachment. Live like a robot.
And now here I am. A paradox. When now I understand that there was nothing to run away from...just makes me pine to go back to experience all those feelings again. The beauty of everything in this world can only be fully understood on its loss. Because otherwise things are always taken for granted.

But now nothing matters. Because there is nothing to matter.
Its empty."

For all these years and all these times I always thought I felt inhuman. But this was the first time I was not human.

"Kid. You just have to face things. Come with me."

I had no will to do anything now. But there was nothing else I had to do. There was so purpose. I followed him and went to the terrace and at the edge, where he was pointing his finger down.

People. All standing there. Looking at me.
People...or may I say...actors.
All of them smiling at me. But not even one smile was able to fill the emptiness.
The smile's were real. But I didn't want to test my beliefs on reality.
There was no perception.
The people were standing there. Everyone I knew. Everyone I loved...everyone I hated.
Everyone.
People.

"So...what now??" I had no will for anything. Emptiness.

"You have two options son. First one, you stay here find out things. New things for you now. Restart your life from your current position with the people not being what you knew them as...but it will be reality for you. And you shall start a new journey and search for the purpose of your existence. The tests shall be forfeited. There shall be none of them.

Option two, you jump from here and you get back to where you were. The place which you called your 'dream'. The fake world which seemed so real for you. It's all upto you."

I had never been given an option ever in my life that would change the course of my entire existence. But looking back every decision had the same importance. Everything was important. Or was it...







...I was sweating when I woke up. And there was no one sitting on the chair next my bed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Void

I'm empty...
thats all I am feeling now.
For the past few hours I just felt like somebody sucked the living inside of me...now I donno if its the weather, the mood of the day or whatever.

I just feel as if I dont trust anyone, as if people just keep lying to me about stuff they just want me to believe. I have no idea where this has come from. But its freakin messin my mind up a lot!!

I just realized how distorted I can get... n i just want to warn people about it. I try to be sane, but I have got so many identities stuck inside me... I just never know who I really am.

I have no idea what everything means. Things are making sense but in a very non-sensical way.

Suddenly for a moment the world flashed. N here I am standing at what darkness lies ahead. I am lost. I feel hopeless. I feel discomfort.

I feel ignorant of whats happening, that's the biggest problem!!
I have no idea what I'm doin with myself.
I've not properly talked to anyone since the last few hours i guess.
I just feel as if i'm a joker, playing a jester in someone's court just dancing around meaninglessly while I have no idea about myself.

I am just a robot, who just forgot what it was programmed to do.

I just feel like goin on my terrace and shouting at the top of my voice till every neuron of energy inside me says that I dont have energy to think anymore!!!



I know one thing for sure -

This is just a temporary phase.




A phase.

Life Under A Scanner

Freedom. Is it good? Is it independence I seek?

I just don't wanna feel strings pulling me, and so I would feel less like a puupet goin on commands without any individuality.
I might be exaggerating things, I know. But I just want to express it in an extreme way so that the point gets clear on.


"We are not free. We were never free. When was the last time you did something because you and only you wanted to do it. Unaffected by the thoughts of the people around you. Slavery is still prevalant. We have just stopped recognizing it. It's a part of you now. Look at yourself. Ask Yourself. What do you really seek, and are you getting there? What is stopping you?"

I am not going with the cliche's that 'My life sucks' and 'I need more independence' but I just want to make a point that I shall have to be let go slowly so that I learn how to stand on my own two feet. It sounds rude when I put it this way coz every help n protection that I get is for the good of myself.

I am not saying I want things the hard way, maybe I m seeking to live under no-ones command and do what I really want to do.

But maybe I am not mature enough. Mature enough to resist some temptation. I hate to say this but I am at a point where I can be easily submerged into the vices of the world. I just believe that I can hold on all by myself. But then I can only judge about it once I get into that situation.

I remember a few days ago I was tempted to smoke by some people. I refused explicitly. I was so confident about myself and plus I never wanted to break the promise I had made. Yet my parents are not that confident enough. And I can understand why.

I have broken their trust once already and it has never been easy to patch back up. Every thing that I did since then had to go under their scanner of suspicion. I wont blame them actually. I would have been worse If I was in their shoes. But sometimes I just feel like a fool always accused of doing the wrong things everytime. I try and prove that I wont be a fool twice.

But that fails. Its never gonna be easy. And it is natural. I just donno how I can make them trust again for what my intentions are for any action that I undertake.

And being falsely accused is the worst feeling I would never be able to swallow. I gasp for air at such times. But I am to blame too, though not fully, but I got myself into this mess.

Anyways...

Everything happens for a reason.

Pause

You know there are these times in life when you just want to freeze time...squeeze everythin out of a second so that you could just feel it to go on longer. Just to cherish that moment.

A feeling when you get when you dont know whatever that is happening around you...
And strangely you dont even care.

A freeze frame... and thats how its goes. No matter all that you thought you had suffered it all just does not matter coz you just dont tend to remember whatever that happened even a few minutes ago.

Just live for that moment.
Pause.
(Damn! there's no rewind :P.)

She was there...
what more could I say.


Awesome!!! :D

Exile

I dont know things.
I am no-one....
I am nothing...
I am nowhere.

Voices inside my head. They scream for a place just to be heard.I want to exile myself, for all the mistakes I have made. I'm not saying I want to be the perfect thing...but maybe I might
just dream of being that way.
There is no pressure on me as such...I pressurize myself. I just try n push. But there seems no response.

Exile.
Is this the only answer I have. Why do I always want to run away.
I hate attachments sometimes...they just pull you down.
I guess 'hate' is the harshest term i could use for now. I am just grumpy.
I donno wanna cry for all all that attachment. Just dont want to feel stupid. Am just afraid of responsibilities... I just dont want that. I just dont wanna go wrong somewhere.Just am plainly scared of makin mistakes however valuable a 'mistake' is in learnin stuff.

Just am scared with the question 'What if...?' that loops on and on in my mind.
A distortion of my own thoughts is what I am.
I cant seem to find space now.
I dont wanna suffocate my own self.
'There is no pressure.'
Or do I just keep sayin that to make me feel better.


Exile.
I wanna run away and open up my mind.
Expand my thoughts which are currently limited between four walls of a thought process
that are affected by outside elements. By people. Everywhere, Everything.

I wanna be alone.
I hate sayin this coz I know that I might not even be able to survive one moment without some people.
I just satisfy my inner self to say that there is a remote possibility that things would get all happy n merry n gay ...then there would be the 'happily ever after...' ending.


Sounds cute. But life doesnt function like a 'fairy tale' does it.
That is the reason why we have fairy tales isnt it. So that we can escape into another world of fantasy and live virtually as if there is no absolute reality.
Think.
Nothing is absolute is it...
Nothing is forever.

It hurts me to say this... hehe...nothing is forever. How I want everything to last.But things just fade away into oblivion ...and at that I might be standing there wondering.
Thinking about what ould have been the prefect 'Goodbye' which would have made me feel a lot better.
But there is a reason why things are not there forever, just to make us treasure every moment thinkin that this might be the last.
It just makes everything more precious doesnt it.
Nobody wants to take thins for granted.

Think.
I cant control my thoughts can I.
I am not an austere saint am I??
Hehe...am far from that. I just wanna live.
I am not saying I wanna live happily ever after...coz I think that just completely sucks.
Happiness isnt eveything...sadness is inevitable.
And If I dont know the importance of sadness then that would make just more and more unable to feel hapiness.
Every light casts a dark shadow doesnt it.
Its all together, co-existing.
The universe wasnt sewn from a single thread to create a fabric of space and time that would
go on till infinty.
It is co-existence.
There is always an option.
There is always a reason.
There always is an individuality.

Exile.
Hmmmmmmmmm....
do I really wanna go??
I would call it temporary death.
I'm an escapist aint I.
Deja vu.
But then being practical can have more importance...thinking things not as they are just goin on and take everything for granted.
I just know I am just making up reasons to run away from responsibilities. Silly pretexts.
When all I have to do is to just stand there, prepare and face it.
FACE whatever come's my way.
That's it.
Sounds easy doesnt it.
Well...it is actually. There is nothing to it.
The trick is just not to get thoughts muddled up and leave the path of action.
Leave coz you have a reason to complain about the system and why the conditions dont suit you.
Thats the thing I guess...I always complain about things not being the way they are.
Life is about adapting and change sometimes.
I just dont wanna go n know the mystery to life and spoil the fun here.

Why dont I just go out and discover things myself...

I guess thats what life is about...isnt it??
-----------------------------------------------------------
Phew!! That was how thoughts flow in my head.Am tired now...anybody care for a snack n beverage??

Excerpt from the Diary...

Was just browsing through my ol' diary which was aptly titled 'Diary of a Madman' in its front pages. It feels awesome to read some of this old stuff which I thought I had forgotten, and there are some pages that embarrass me so much that I just feel like tearin off those pages...but memories shall be memories. You can't erase them.
This is one of the days that I just came to browse upon in my diary.

Warning: I even used to write utter crap 2 years ago. If you have read my blog then you are already immune to the crappiness.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

25th May 2005

Hey boss, here we go, 3 2 1...

->Its funny how u make promises of commitment. The sad part comes when you've not acheived half of what you should have done. Promises may be easy to make, but it takes the crap out of you to maintain it. The reality of life is quite bitter to what your dreams you build yourselfare.You always dream of heaven, the the stairway to heaven is much harder than the escalator to hell.

And what for all the lazy people like me could do more, than sit and float towards the place where the devils waiting with his trident. Everyday I make a promise to myself, 99% of them are fake and inneffective, the rest is govt. tax (whatever!!). I make a promise that the moment I get up the next day, i'll be good as new, a changed person. Who would start taking in knowledge untill his brain explodes. Theresult - I wake up next day dreary eyed...finding something to spend time with, other thatn watt is actually my objective.

Coming back from the

Philosophical Blabberrer...

I dont have tutions for Chem and physics (which apparently makes people's eye pop-out!!). The reaction I usually get is "ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR MIND??" I wish my anwer was not "YES". Unofrtunately it is. My determination or commitment is not gainin an inch to what must have gained 3 feet by now. [ I'm stuck in a boat, because the anchor is laid but i'm too lazy to pull back tha anchor, so I cant ride with the breeze. And at that time the other boats have gone far far ahead of me. Though I dont want this to happen, this is watt I am. I sit, I rot!]

But everybody has great expectations from me. They think I work.

I Ajay, Hereby pronounce myself

THE LAZIEST MAN ON THE PLANET

Guess I dont get a medal for that. And meanwhile jinal crawls into IIT. I, Ajay, Master of Dust-mites and flies, (crap)...sit and rot.

Hail to the master...Let's Shit on him.

[Whatever that means!!!]

Sleepy now.

Signing off.

-----------------------------------------------------------

N that was what I was.

FIN

On and on...

There was nuthin soo interestin goin on in the day.
Just was thinkin of song to make it sound interestin...
i need a riff to sing this! :D
Here it goes...


-----------


Thoughts rush
sky parts
sun rises
rays like darts.

Eyes open
mind shut
deep in the hollow
rumble of the bus.

Destination
Unwanted.
Rather land up
somewhere else.

The sun's a top
mind still stopped.
Slavery remains
of the mind n all.

Automatic moves
of the brain n hands.
Jotting down stuff
later to cram???

Flow with the system
or be a rebel...
I guess i'm too sleepy
that's my only level.

Time flies
though awfully slow.
They call them 'lectures'
and I say - 'what ho!'

Waitin for the hand
to reach the 6.
To run away...
to feel the bliss.

Sitting in the
humming bus again i talk.
Talk with the damsel
so the knight never stops.(beep beep! call on hold!)

Rusted and worn out
I reach my abode.
I gorge on my food
and now starts my road...

-----------

The time table fable....

Just had my first day at college as a second year student.
The day started off badly when I saw the time table n
found out that saturdays were full days n that we had two
labs.

"Two Labs!!!"I exclaimed. They gotta be kiddin me.

I was thoroughly sad with the thought of wasting my
saturday by sitting in college lookin outside the window
while the rest of the world was goin out n havin fun and
sayin..."There somewhere he might be sinkin in between
huge volumes of books."

Hmmmph...sigh! I sat there sulkin in the Lab. But then I
thought it wasnt right. I had to do something I cant just
sit there n sulk and expect it to go away. I had to be
prepared. I wasnt, but now i have to. I think I got a bit
motivated and inspired by some of Dagny's ideals and her
positivity...she constantly hepled my mood a lott
throughout the day.

I was all merry n energetic again. Though at some times
then I passed the corridor again n saw the time table
staring back at me I sulked again. But I guess now i'll
have to learn to take things as a challenge rather than
make attempts to weasel out.

Most of my hours in college are spent in sulkin abt the
people around me n 'how the hell did I land up here?'. But
now I guess I'll have to extract whatever advantages I've
got with me bein here.

ADAPTING. Here's that word again. (Taken from the previous 'college' post!)

Well....life goes on. I'll live.

Had a tiring day, but its ok. I just feel like i've worked.

Overall Mood : Happy!

(Am gettin better at playin Megadeth-Holy wars... someday i might be able to play it on stage!! That would be cool!)

A Reason

Something I wrote a few days back. Felt as If things were changing and going into a more pleasant phase! Seems they are...or are they, duh duh duhhhhh!!
-----------------------

I lay asleep
Ignorant of the world around me
too unique to blend
never camouflaged in the society.

Of all the times I have been through
doesnt life ever have a lesson
so teach me what it beholds
or shall I just softly glide away.

I'm impatient
I'm weak
Nothings clear
it's all too bleak.

There is darkness that surrounds me
I might collapse
But I still learn to hold on
hold on till my last.

All that has faded away
the darkness has passed
I'm entering a new world
but dont want to go in fast.

All I wanted was a reason
a reason to live my life
and I wont say I got what I wanted
but what I needed to stay alive...

Restart

Click...
thugh thugh. Chink. Whirrrrrrr....

And it has started again. The schizo is walkin n talkin again.

Through all these days startin from a rocky journey to some of the best experience have missed all of it out here.

Shall reignite the flames....so that the pheniox will rise from it! :D

No idea what that meant actually!!

Inspired by Dagny i shall try to start writin regular now.

So... corpse and robbers 2 is on the way, till then bear the other posts please!
------
FIN
------

Corpse And Robbers

CHAPTER 1.

Its was evening. Me and Ecks checked into a hotel...a bloody cheap one( As our monetary holdings were just a notch above 'broke'!!). We sat in the lounge area that night as the mice were busy playin soccer in our room. I tried to switch the T.V on, but the only thing that happened was that the switch popped out in spring action.
"Hehe! Careful mate. You just might have launched some torpedo with that." Ecks pointed out smiling at me.

But somewhere near the south china sea, people were far from happy...as they just got signals of an incoming torpedo.

I was browsing through the video tapes the hotel had. Most of them being cheap low budget movie tapes and a few episodes of 'Planets funniest animals'. But one tape that caught my attention had no label on it. Curiosity bubbled in me like a bowl of conc. sulphuric acid.

I put the tape in the VCR only to find that the T.V. wasnt working. My curiosity to find out what the tape was all about had taken over. I did what every T.V. repairer in my place would have done. I started banging the T.V. with my fists alternately from the right and left till some cathode ray emissions started. Suddenly light came on to the screen, and I was successful.

I was going to express my joy to Ecks, but he had gone...mostly to his room...he was sleepy anyways.

I turned the VCR on...and next of what the visual hit me on the cornea of my eye had shocked me. My curiosity went all down the drain watching a series of 'disturbing and shocking' images. I couldnt switch the VCR off...there was some force refraining me to not stop what I saw.90 mins later, I was staring in front of a black screen.
"Whatever it was , it was horrific. Why did I even watch it??" I thought as my mind was preforming triple summersaults in my head.
I suddenly found myself guilty for watching it. I shouldnt have. It was the feeling that pandora had when she opened the box...only of less magnitude(hehe! dumb pandora!).

I took a deep breath, when my phone suddenly began ringing.

Who can it be?? This was my new number!! Nobody except Ecks know about it...and the caller was not Ecks.

I slowly pressed the 'call' button and listened.
"Seven Days!!" came a suppressed voice from the other side.
My heart jumped. I was almost squeeling.
"Who's this?? And what seven days??" I inquired.

Suddenly voice turned normal, normal being that of an old man trying to sound young.
"Oh sorry! I was just telling my secretary that its been seven days since my pants have not returned from the dry cleaners!! Damn those bastards."

"But who the hell are you??"

"Oh! Me. Well I am Mr.D.A. U may call me Mr.D.A. I just came to know you just saw my movie. So....how was it??"

"It was horrible.Unbearable. I dont even know why I watched it."

"Whoa! thats the mildest criticism I have had from my viewers. You being the second....ahem....i being the first. Even the actors dont wanna watch it. Hehe."

"Actors?? what actors?? all I saw were lifeless props hanging around...their emotional expressions make Arnold Schwarzenneger in terminator look like hamlet!!! Why the human torture I ask?? Why the brutality??"

"Ummm...just watch it with a mental squint and you shall see clearly."

"But how the hell did you know I saw ur movie...n how did you get this number?"

"Believe me son, if you were in my shoes you would label that question as a 'dumb' one. Lets just say deperate times call for desperate measures..."

"Ohhhhk whatever. But this is still spooky!!"

"I have to meet you in private, we have to clear all these matters. Reach candela square, the one near the hanuman mandir sharp at 11.27 AM and ask a long hair guy at the bus stand for a match and we shall meet."

(Note to myself: There is always a hanuman mandir as a standard reference to any location in the country.)

"Whoa! what's all this secret agent stuff for?"

"We dont want to attract attention do we?"

"Depends on whether -"

The phone gets cut. The beeping sound of the engaged tone seems odd in a way. Who was the caller? And why the hell does he want to meet me. Its a conspiracy.

Next morning I spill it all out to Ecks. While Ecks keeps his usual cool and laughs it all up.
"You sure you had a good night's sleep yesterday?? At least I didnt." Ecks laughed.

"Yeah I did sleep! And whats this about you not havin sleep...your snore vibrations just caused a major earthquake in San Diego. Might have been somewhere around 130 decibels."

"Yeah! yeah. whatever. Well get out of your rotten dream...we have stuff to do."

"Wait its 11. I have to meet that guy, its all too mysterious Ecks. I guess you wont comprehend. Buh bye now, alrighty then!"

Somwhere in San diego people had been engulfed in fear with the trauma of another earthquake. Ecks had no idea about the 'butterfly effect'.



Saying this I stormed out of the room, leaving Ecks with a did-my-wife-just-divorce-me look.

Hopefully Candela Square was quite near to our hotel.As soon as I reached the place I started lookin for a so called 'long hair' guy. The problem was there were two 'long haired' men. I searched for where Mr.D.A might be... and my eye caught a BMW sedan inconspicously parked in a dark corner.

11.25 AM.The problem of the 'long haired' men still loomed. I went to the guy nearer to me and asked him in a whispering tone.
"I need a match please."

The guy gave me a reproachful look, thought for a while and replied,
"Eh?"

Strike one. I was wrong. Went to the other one.Did the same. Emptying his pockets he found a pack and started waving it in the air.

The signal had been given. But it triggered the ignition of an even more unthinkable car.

A 'Padmini Premier' smoked its way upto the bus stand, and let out a blaring horn. I stood there shocked as the bucket of bolts seemed like it was about to explode any second. I let out a muffled cry as it approached me. And the person driving the vehicle was seen...but the guy had concealed his face inside a scarf and a pair of goggles.
And the driver yelled, "Quick, get in."

I stood there. Thought for about 10 minutes calculating the various possibilities of what was about to happen, most of the calculations being how embarrassed i was to become sitting inside the 'junkyard wonder'.

Finally I took a deep breath and sat inside.
The driver gave a piercing gaze through his goggles and finally put his hand forward,
"Hello, I am Mr.D.A.!!"

Facsimilie of a Fake Smile

You know that feeling...when inside you're wrenchin in agony n torment and then you meet someone at that time...and you give that 'friendly' smile.

The smile...that you conjure up by streching each and every muscle of your face. The body and mind resist its automation...yet you sweat it to give that smile, so that the person in front of you returns the same as a sign of cordiallity. And the moments gone...you're back again to reality.

SLAM! Face first. The sinking feeling.

Maybe I should have replaced all the 'you's' with 'I's'. What the hell anyways!!!

Its this fake smile that I hate. One that you get when you're goin to a hotel n the waiter gives you one...while deep inside he's still thinkin if his wife will give him a second chance again or not??!!.

But this is something that I have been trained to do since all these years...though it does not work all the times. I consider it an art in a way. Its the degree of smile that u give, n there should be a ranking for them -
something like -
(in ascending order)

1.The painful you're getting worse smile
2.Something seems to be troubling you smile
3.Hi things are normal smile
4.Jolly Good day smile
5.You're creepin people out smile

I usually rank a 3 or a 5, though I admit rank 2 comes in the way a lott.

Sigh! masking happiness is a tiring job.
I repeat its an art!!!

[Been a long time since a post...feels good to be back again!!]

Visions...

As I trample on this unchartered earth
I have much left to see.
And if seeing is beleiving
then in nothing I still believe.


A window to the world opens before me
Yet I choose to wander away.
Groping in the darkness unconquered
searching for the light of the day.


For me its living that I seek
not work that rules that day
Finding happiness not too bleak
A world refrain from pain.


Searching for the possibilities unimagined
For a freedom unknown, unseen;
I glide and melt on my thoughts
of a world too beautiful to dream.


A cold mist passes over me,
the sins of betrayal and hatred.
As things that bound me from thee,
the world seems far from sacred.


But hope prospers in my heart
deep inside though vague
Still i pray O lord save me,
save me from this plague.


I open my eyes it seems so clear,
The truth untouched unveiled.
The purity that never rusts -
of the part that I played.

Some call it college, I call it "AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH"

It was one lousy chemistry lecture in school when I took sudden interest in the world outside the window. Three more months

and I am straight outta this braindead school and off I go to a "college".

It was then that the dreams poured in in front of my eyes. Havin toe touchin hair, havin a band of my own, surrounded on all

sides by supermodelish chics, drivin on my (imaginary) bike to the institution...and standing in front of the gate - I see

this is where i'm gonna be. Studyin seemed optional in a college at that time. It was soon I thought that the outside world

of the window had just jumped into me. It was a dream, a very convincing one. 'Its gonne be true' I thought ' maybe I have

power of precognition'.

I was smiling like a creep. The world...oh I have seen such little of it. Damn! three months still to go. What a pain.

And then it was a piece of chalk that hit me on the forehead thrown at me by my lovely teacher that made my senses drag back

to the chemistry lecture(at least for the moment!). Our teacher was creeped out as I was still smilin like a creep, so she

preffered not to ask any question. Maybe she might have read my mind. What the hell!

*****

5 months later...

*****

Grades!! damn! I didnt realise that I was near to hittin rock bottom. Ok they aint good, but they werent so bad either I

guess. It was at the couselling room that the monitors lit up with name codes of the colleges and the seats left in them.

Anything to get in ahmedabad was not possible...but none of the colourful code names of the college had good repute. Their

names went like one of your kamwaali bai's second cousin.E.g- Dalpatram college, Sadvidhyamandal bhavan etc.

My fate had rested on a college with a sad name too. Am too embarassed to mention it here, though its compressed form would

be called - LCIT. I booked the seat in the college. Back home people were congratulating for me gettin an admission. I looked

back at them with a deadpan zombie like expression that gave it clear to the person standin in front of me the fact that

'hapiness' might not have been the present mood.

Next day I set out to the college. Two hours drive and a deep choking sensation as I see the entrance of my college

campus."My" campus!! Of all the pleasant words that I could have chosen to say at that time, I picked a rather different word

that suited my situation - "Shit!!". And my parents heard it too. Somehow they didnt say any anything...and I imagined them

saying the same stuff in their minds.

As I enter the college, I take a deep breath of air in. I didnt wanna exhale it and wanted to just crap out my lungs over

there. Somehow I ran short of that will power. I look around for my fellow students. They were nowhere in sight...and so I

sit next to the peon of the college. Later on I came to know that the peon guy was actually a fellow student. I laughed in my

mind...it was a laugh more like the one's you have in situations such as you got a job in microsoft and later on come to know

that the job is to clean the upper rim of the flush tank in the loo. It was creepy laugh. I wanted to run away!! Fly

away...sprout wings outta my ass and take off...

I start explorin the place and enter an empty classroom. As i enter a window stares at me. 5 months have passed by...
an indication.
Chics, band, long hair, rockin classmates, the gate. I laugh again, more wierder.

Its all gone. Dreams could not have been shattered in a much more uncouth way. What was just left was to take the pill and

swallow it. This pill called REALITY. Oh how colourfull it looks on the outside, and its when you actually swallow it that

the real contents of the pill spew out into your mouth. The bitterness may jusy have been a phase. I needed sugar. Ok! am

goin too metaphorical. I'll stop on the crap.

Of all the permutation and combination of paths of realities why this??? Or maybe its not that bad. I stand confused.

I come back home. I slouch on my bed...thinkin as I always am. Home....Home....2 months ago it would be fun to leave this

place and enter a new world. Sad! everythings not what it seems...or is it 'nothings what it seems.'Yeah! thats better.

Its pathetic to ponder over it. A quicksand of depression awaits...*glug glug.....plop*

******
2 months later
******

ADAPTING. The word meant a lot to me now. As I found new people I can talk to, found some subjects interesting, the place has

a lab too n that also with a valid net connection. That aint bad I guess. Though I still sit in the class and stare out the

window waiting for a chalk to be thrown upon me. But I sit back and relax adn enjoy the dream. 'Hey that could've been me in

the dream!' i think. It would haunt n keep haunting.

I think I leanrt something...its maybe this. As I expected a utopian bliss outta ma life anything that I would get would look

like pigeon-shit, but its when you expect crap that you get somethin better than what you expected.

Life is peachy! What the hell.
--------------------------------------------------
"When the going gets tough, the great ones just party!" - Garfield
--------------------------------------------------

And the oscar goes to...

Today Ladies and Worms I just saw a wonderful movie, brilliantly titled - Alien Vs. Predator. So you have Drama, Action, Adventure, Sex (including a Sharon Stone leg crossing scene brilliantly executed by the alien!) and all that Jazz. So the movie's got the cute n cuddly aliens poking at the bob marley lookalikes called Predators.

The movie has inspired me like no other...and can match upto any spiritual book ever written. It has the depth of human emotions captured that makes the heart melt.

Synopsis (As the names of the characters cannot be pronounced by the foul human toungue, they have been identified by their species) :

Once upon a time there lived two best friends Alien and Predator. When they were children Predator once borrowed a red crayon from Alien. After a few days Predator instead of giving back the red crayon gave the black crayon (this is because predator guys can only see infra red,ultra violet, s ray n all that crap). At this Alien got angry and complained his equally cute n cuddly parents about it.
Since then the war began.
(NOTE : In case you are curious about the really real story of the movie neither me nor the director of the movie can help ya - neither of us know it.)

So you see the Bob Marley lookin Predators slashing the Aliens(who by the way have an unlimited supply of saliva which can solve some severe drought problems...) and the 'Maggi Noodles'(TM) comin' out of their intestines - Really helps in building an apetite. As the movie further progresses the facial expression get more deep and meaningful like a William Wordsworth sonnet.

Rating - G. Yes watch it with your family, much better than Peter pan.

And as we approach the end we see a hint of a sequel. And everybody knows, that everybody whos anybody is waiting.

Next Movie Review : The return of 'Jai santoshi maa'

Diary of "Holy Sh**!"

I have been termed as 'Clinically ill' curently, but after reading this verse of poetry and prose, u might think "Mentally of Physically ill?"

Read it if you identify yoursel as a Sane Person!!
----------------------------------------------------------


Jamie was in his outhouse with his laptop just when he found out that his 'My Documents' folder was filled with South American Porn. Just then a group of 10-15 kids were passing by the outhouse, when little Billy decided of a masterminded plan for eternal salvation. Billy was quoted sayin ,"Ladies and arthropods, the next word we here around us - that shall be repeated a sum total of 2476 times...because that is the path of eternal salvation."

It was with perfect timing when Jamie understood that his laptop was filled with 4 GB's of porn that he shouts - "Holy Shit!"

The kids make their way to eternal salvation...by walking on the parlington road chanting 'Holy Shit' for the next 2476 times. At that time, Father Karros is explaining her daughter about the apocalypse that was to come. With the 'Book of Apocalypse' in one hand and 'Microwave Fishes' in the other he reads on.

Daughter Emily strikes up a meaningful question - "When is the apocalypse daddy? and where will my teddy hide then!".Father Karros' eyes move towards the church window and peers outside. He sees a swarm of Children on their path to eternal salvation.

Father Karros' brows get crossed and mumbles,"So it happens now! and Teddy's not real honey". He keeps the fishes back in the microwave oven and steps outside and shouts - "Run you fools, its the children on the damned. They're here! Run
for your lives you imbecile's.Run! Run! Run!" Just when Marion Jones runs and shouts - "I am not on Drugs!!!" and fades to black.

Farmer Davide Hasslehoff aint moves a bit. He remains as calm as a cucumber on a wednesday evening with a black robe. - "Damnit! got no' taim to finish me book. By the way sonny boy how much time left for the apocalyse?" Sonny Boy playin his
fiddle merrily steps up humming to the tunes of the latest hip-hop number -"Ass something something! IT'S NOW! (ass!) something...shake that booty...something something...Run!!"

Farmer Davide Hasslehoff curses "Darn it! and me got no time to finish me book."

Jamie just then runs out on to his brazilian freinds house on Elm street with flying curses decorated by an occassional "Holy Shit" in between. The children are still on number 1487 on their path to eternal salvation.

Just when Meryl steep, the lazy security devil on the 'escalator to hell' hears this. He runs to Satan and complains - "Dude! God's on his 'Holy Shit' campaign again...this job blows dude!" Satan too busy on his orange marmalade decides to snap out of it and calls God on his cell. He licks of the marmalade from his finger when he stops suddenly and ejaculates - "Buggers left his message that he's gone for a vacation, and I am sweatin my red butt out here on this Job. I quit
man...c'mon Meryl steep lets go bowling in some other dimension."

Father Karros is still pullin his hair out and screams and buys a copy of 'The Exorcist' from a DVD rental stor. Just then a young teenager dude comes up - "Yo...ma man!" Father retaliates to this satanic speech and gets a hold of the
dude,"Dont you see(pointing at a coffee stain at the store table), its the 'apocalypse'!!!".

Young Teenage dude thinks for a while and then suddenly his face lightens up,"Dude! i saw it in this music CD shop yesterday dude. ummmm...i mean the album's by 'Demonic Incantatem' band rigth? I didnt know you were into heavy metal father
dude. Chill man...u into death metal or Acid rock?" He speaks his speech with a waving gesture of the 'Mano Cornuta'(Devils Horns). Father Karros is currently awestruck as the children on the path to eternal salvation where shouting "Salvation!Salvation!Salvation!".

Father Karros faints.

Thats when God calls on a local telephone booth,"Hello, hey Chuck I think satan left. g2g. ciao!"



And that's how the universe ended!!!

Click...and then there was light!

I was lying in bed. Fantascising.
What if i was a billionaire.
Where the hell would i start shoppin.
And all the things came like a rush...
And in my mind came a list, a list of things.
Its what I want that counts , isnt it?
---------------------------------
I want an ESP flying V guitar with ear deafening amps.
I want a Digitech GNX 4 guitar processor.
I want a lambhorghini Gallardo and a porsche 911 parked at my garage.
I want a Suzuki Hayabusa.
I want long braided bronze streaked hair.
I want 10 mbps internet connection with unlimited download capacity.
I want Angelina Jolie to leave Brad pitt and come running to me.
I want James Hetfield come at my home and give me guitar classes.
I want Megadeth to perform every saturday nights in my backyard.
I want to erradicate pop music from the world by giving anti-poppy shots to children.
I want (CENSORED).
I want David Blaine comin at my home to give me Levitation lessons.
I want to shot some unwanted crappy politicians with a Magnum sniper rifle.
I want to ban Siddhu from existance.
I want to buy the Bekingham pallace and then sell it at a very high price to some other sensible people.
I want to write a book about people and ask people in bok stored to burn it.
I want a replica of the Millenium Falcon with a life size chewbacca poster.
I want to make 'Friends' seoson 11 and so on...
I want the Simpsons to be aired till the end of the universe(which is around 22 milion years i think!)
I want to be good at tennis and play a mixed doubles with Martina Hingis and Maria Sharapova.
I want to go and ask Schumacker to let other player win once in a while.
I want Ahmedabad to have Rock Shows every saturday.
I want a band very badly.
I want my computer to be updated every Wednesday evenings and monday mornings to the latest top notch settings.
I want a O2 pda mini.
I want an I pod Nano.
I want Reebok air pump shoes.
I want .....

After thinking all this , the mind goes farther away from its physical prescence to calculate the possibility of having all this.
A few minutes it comes back with a wham in the face answer.
"NO!"

And then i think whats the problem in dreaming...i mean like that does do any harm does it.
So i dream again.
SO here am I.... with everything I want.Every single Godamn thing.
A question - "Then what?"
So I think . I think hard and then I see that there's no difference between here and there.

And so I open my eyes again...sigh.

I want ............................................NOTHING!

Conversations!!!

What I am going to present you next is with this conversation I had with Caution!! Ramanujam...a conversation defining pure intellect, of abstract thinking and reflecting upon our mundane lives as we seek for adventure.... in everything.

Dedicated to Douglas Adams one of the great authors of all time, this conversation is purely inspired by his works!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------

caution!! ramanujam : damn im so itching to play guitar.. but everyone is sleeping

me: ahhh! thats a really sticky situation....

me: thats the good thing about electric that u can plug ur headphones into the amp n listen

caution!! ramanujam: sticky? as in gum?

me: yeah! kabhi kushi kabhi gum!

me: 2 can play at this game

caution!! ramanujam: aha i see so tis sticky sometimes.. other times its khushi?

caution!! ramanujam: is it governed by the transmodular princliples of space time?

me: i dunno exactly mayB the spasmodic shock ventilator mayb the reason

caution!! ramanujam: ahh thought so.... but how does it change exactly, some kind of beta particle disintegraator?

me: naa its the transfusion of hypoallogetic symbiostytic mesa particles

caution!! ramanujam: impropable

me: but not yet impossible.

caution!! ramanujam: swoosh... im in xena transaguada mclxii fighting with zurluks for dominance over the human race

me: damn! those zurluks i thot i disentigrated them in the planet Kornalafoonis IV after the'"7 minutes battle" on the 'sheep dog desert'...

caution!! ramanujam: aha.. they transmorgified themselves just before the blast hit them and zoomed into transaguada

me: damn! damn! damn them them to the depths of zooplon 6. i thot i knew all the tricks those scumbags had!

caution!! ramanujam: they are building the hyper fusion warp diffuser that can send u in a blast beyond the end of the universe

me: holy crapbag! i think it is time u mite use the borostatopheric shield ray(with in built car vipers!)...

caution!! ramanujam: its raining here... car vipers are useless

me: but i guess the photonic shield ray will!

me: it may not ruun for the first time ...coz u might have to remove the plastic wrapping it came with....the remove the thermocol 2...

caution!! ramanujam: holy shit... the rain isnt rain... its ultra nano robo zombies and they are eating up the equipment

me: oh damn! use the meatsos in ur cryogenic ventismatic fridge those zombies are allergic 2 meatsos!

me: did u use it?

me: otherwise use the smoke of a cremated dead cambodian rabbit, who lived a life impersonating sylvester stallone...i guess that not that hard to find!

me: in think i left one in ur cryogenic fridge

caution!! ramanujam: what i just killed id

me: the zombie nano robots?

caution!! ramanujam: no rabbit

me: yes now cremate the rabbit and use deflect the smoke towards the zombies

caution!! ramanujam: brb

caution!! ramanujam: aha it worked

caution!! ramanujam: the zombies are dust

caution!! ramanujam: and we have stiched the mouths of the zurluks( who have surrendered) so they cant reproduce

caution!! ramanujam: the future is safe

me: yeah! baby

caution!! ramanujam: i have thus earned a good night s sleeps

me: cheers to dead cambodian rabbits!

caution!! ramanujam: and fake sylvester stallones

me: yeah! that 2.....so lets raise our purple wine glasses n give a toast

caution!! ramanujam: and with this we precipitate the end of "the intergalactic wars for trans universal dominance and voting rights of cockroaches"

me: yeah! and as they say - "All's well that ends in a well!"
caution!! ramanujam: or a dustbin
---------------------------------------------------------
Peace!

To HELL and back...

...through the wall of smoke a face floated towards me, a face that made me jealous of what sheer ugliness I was made up of. But as I stared at the face, I looked deep into the eye. The eye. It was as if it told me not to live.The eye had a red flame inside it, the rest was a hollow black. The black which would give every insignificant human on this planet a feeling of nothingness, it was a black hole which sucked every insanely happy moments of a thing called life. Life seemed a mere object now.
I avoided his eyes and tried to look at something else, anything else. Yet all I saw was a wall of smoke and this face. The face of a man. A man with immense power, who somehow seemed as if he was refraining from using it.
I looked at the next thing i could look at - myself. Where was I? What the 'hell' is this place? And why cant I stand straight? And who is this handsome guy?Things he's a big shot..eh! The next words that came out of my mouth were purely nothin that I intended to speak -
"Get out ma' way ya' handsome freak." I said this and I started to think...of the fistful reaction that was to come.
The man spoke ...the voice was soothing and clear. So clear that anything he said I just felt as to do as he said.
"You're in the wrong place at the wrong time.Turn back as you stand here, this is not a place for the good ones." There was no sign of emotion in his voice it seemed only like a friendly warning...nothing else.
He faded away leaving me in the wall of smoke...I tried to follow him. I didn't know why but it seemed as if he tempted me to follow him.
Moments later I realized his warning was not a fake one. I had just entered a room.Red light sprawled accros the cramped room. The people dressed in red and black each having a ciggarette in their hand. People sittin and smokin coke...and other lying around on the ground consciously unconscious, staring into nothing.A woman surrouded by three hideuos men , yet the woman only laughed and gave a big grin to me. Two men spraying alcohol from garden hoses and giving their share to everyone around. A guy alone in a corner cutting his own skin with a knife and lickin the blood that oozed out of him.
I was no longer able to walk..the guy spraying alcohol noticed me and gave me a whisky bath. A growl came from behind me, no human growl it was. I turned around, but the red light seemed to steal my vision. I was searching for a door but the wall of smoke surrounded me.
I was choking. Eyes started burning...my head was about to explode. And then I saw a man in front of me , pointing and laughing. Everybody else gathered around me and shared the laughs.
'Where the HELL am i?' was the only thing that was going through my mind...
And then the handsome guy came upto to me with a knife in his hand and said
"You should have.....err....listened to......err....my warning, yeah!You should have."
And he was about to stab me when a man behind me started shouting - "Cut!Cut!Cut!".

A man wearing a cap comes upto the handsome guy and shouts - "You cant even remember dialouges. Damn you!At least do something for your debut perfomance mate, the voice dubbing only does you half good! Damn!" he turned to me and added " You were excellent baby!".

He was....
Our DIRECTOR.

In the fortress of solitude!

How does it feel to be all alone? Ah! I must have forgotten that feeling, and am pining to know how it feels again. I am sick of being there for people and help them with all their stuff and for all their gain as I loose my own time even though it wouldnt have been put to much productive use. My time is all I have, let me go through it. All I want is nothing, just exactly nothing to be asked from me or for me. I WANNA BE ALONE!

Why? I know that once I reach for that lonliness I would come back to my mentality that I want people around me. I am just an example of how humans dont accept what they have and what they're given, takin' every second they breathe for granted. Everyone seems to have this problem, like suppose you are in place A and you start thinking "wouldnt it be better if I were in place B" and when put in place B mostly people tend to say " Place A was better , why couldnt I just stay where I was". But , yes there are people who appreciate their new surroundings and by god's(if there is one) grace are happy with it, they eventually get bored and come back to the same position. Humans are restless. I am too. I am human. And to err is human.
We people just cant decide if its curiosity or our own safety that governs us and so that gets reflected on our actions.

All I want is to be alone on an island for a specific period of time that I can choose. And with me I want a pc, an mp3 player, internet broadband connection, and maybe a Mcdonalds nearby. I would stay on the island for a long time. I am sure. I need time to think , time to learn, time to understand, time to contemplate. All I need is time alone.

All of us do, right? Or maybe I'm an alien!

I just dont need the prescence of human life around me right now. I have a phobia of crowds, and slowly am developing a phobia of meeting new people. But I am very good at supressing my feelings even if it is fear,sadness,anger(not pretty good at controlling anger nowadays, i burst!), happiness too.

But now I have tried to evolve my brains and push it to the next step , so its like unlike asking "Why am I like this god?" I would straight go to "What should I do to make it better!". Positivity aint my cuppa tea, but doesnt hurt to try. So I aint goin through the 'convert all your negative thoughts into postive' mumbo jumbo crap. Negativity is fun... aint it!

(Sorry for my sudden shifts in topics, a mind is a terrible thing to waste!)

I'm Awake!!!

A long time back Aristotle said " Man is a social animal". It is quite evident Aristotle and I haven't met.

I have this bad habit of thinking. It must be surprising of why I call it a bad habit. For me it is one. The more I think, the more I assume life. The more I assume life and what it has to give, the more I get to know how much little it has to
give. So the more I keep on thinking, the more I get depressed. Darkness fills me when I think. Negativity in abundance. I watch as my thoughts crumble upon this insane symmetry of life.

I lose hope. But somehow the emptiness doesn't suck me in that easily. I build four imaginary walls around me keeping my mind assured of protection from the outside world.

Sadly this has become my occupation. So I have thought of a plan to keep myself working all the time and never give a chance to my mind to think. The more I fill my head with things I have to work with, the less empty it becomes.I remain occupied
with myself.I still remain confined in my artificial imaginary four walls. Though the me that is confined in these walls is quite not the same to the me that reacts with the people and the outside world. It's all a mental picture.Quite a delusoinal
concept or a wierd strategy, but its still experimental.!!!
FIN!

My Band???

This is the link to my so called "band" site thanks to garageband.com .--
http://www.garageband.com/artist/antimoney
Or listen to my song directly by clickin here-


There is only one song that I have uploaded and am workin on the next few.
Its not so easy, damn it!
I have still not come up with a polished song all the ideas that are in my head are raw and could not materialize into a physical state due to my inactivity and laziness.
But for now this is all I have! just check it out....

Peace -
A.J.

Kurt Cobain suicide note...

I have loved this guy and really admired him and here's to remember his suicide note which I somehow find beautifully written.
-----------------------

"To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.
For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.
I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy.Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!"
--------------------------------------------

Let Poison be thy cure

(My writin skills aint that good , so maybe this would be a headache to read. Be free to comment on anything)
-------------------------------------------------

Yes, I have decided it. It's final. This is the end, and I will help myself come closer to it. The method that will lead to my end is still undecided.

Hmmm... Stab myself. Nope, slow death.
Jump from the roof. Nope, too painful.
Stand in front of a fast car. But that may risk the life of the person who's driving the car too. I dont wan't anyone else to be hurt cause of me.
Think man, think what could be a fast and painless death.
Poison?
Seems painless.
The problem is - where do I get it from. I mean I cant go into a shop and say " Excuse me. I need one bottle of poison that would bring a painless death."
Will Rat poison do? Well, food from the school canteen might work better against rat poison.
The chemistry lab, of course.

And so I ask my friend on the phone trying not to reveal my deadly plans to him. "Do you think in some way you can die if you accidently swallowed pottassium cyanide from the school lab?"
"Yeah, right!" came from the other end of the phone."The only thing you'll get is an indigestion or something."

So i'll have to think of plan B.
Suddenly I noticed a cleaning liquid kept on the floor. Observing it closely I found a symbol of a skull, next to which was written 'Do not swallow. The following liquid is injurious to health.'
This may do well.

Now that that's done, next we come on to the suicide note.I took an empty page and scribbled on it -
" I just got bored you know. So that's all folks."
Somehow it seemed to inappropriate, but that's what I wanted.
I go near the window and take a breath of fresh air.
"My last breath." I smiled trying to hide the sadness.This aint so easy. I take the cleaning liquid and open the cork. Strong nauseous fumes came out from the bottle.This aint easy at all.
I raise the drink,"Bottom's up".
As my hand goes halfway through the journey towards my mouth, the phone rings. Thank god for telephones, it saves lives.

I picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Please dont die. Please dont kill yourself." Came a worried voice.
I was stunned. I looked up and stared at my ceiling - " God. Is that you?"
The answer was quick."No. Look, here. I am a boy who lives in the building just in front of yours. Dont get offended, but I have been observing you through my telescope from my house for a few weeks. I just found out all things about you from your neighbhours, you know. How you have been so helpful to everyone, how well you study, how you always are a hero at your school. I heard everything about you, right from stuff about your girlfriends to how well you play the drums. You see I have no friends and all I needed was an Idol to look up to. And so i found about you and really liked you, and so I decided I just wanna be like you. I dont want my idol to give up just like that. I know you'll be too angry by now knowing how I've been peeking into your life just to satisfy mine, but you cant just give up like that. Please dont leave me. At least think about all the people that rely on you. Think." He took a deep breath.

I was speechless. What was I thinking.
Oh my god. I accepting myself as a loser.
Even though this boy's voice seemed too kiddish to make sense, he just said the right words.
"Ummmm... look kid, I am angry at you for all this you have done. Just come downstairs i'll meet you there and we'll sort this out.Do i make myself clear."
"Yes, sir."

I took the cleaning bottle in my hand and threw it away.
Suddenly, I seemed so happy to be me. I have a life. Somebody looks upto me as an idol.
Oh my god! What was I thinking?
That's it, I'm gonna live past 99 or whatever.
This boy just changed my perspective of life.But suddenly I felt responsible. Responsible for this boy, responsible for myself.And I was never so good with resposibilities.
But It seemed - What the heck anyways, things are the way they are.
It's my life. It's me and I'm happy to be here.

I walked downstairs and just across the street found a boy waving at me happily.That's him. Poor boy, he's so cute how come he doesn't have friends.
I smiled.
I breathed the fresh air.Oh! fresh air.
Thaonk you , God.

I walked a few steps towards him feeling all free and happy at the same time had the burden of a responsibility of living.
I told you I was bad at responsibilities.
The next thing I see are blurred visions of a car approaching and a red pool I was lying in.
The last thing I heard was guy asking - " What were his last words?"
Then the boy who saved my life stared blankly at him and said -
" He said he was happy to be alive."

I tried to open my eyes. Tried.
Blank.
---------------------

Semi Paralysis

This is a part of my free writing exercise, where I vomit stuff from my brains and mash up to form nonsensically sensical words in an untidy arrangement. I let my hand run through the paper freely as if gliding on its own , so then I understand whats really on my mind.Sorry for the fact that it is a pain in the ass reading this stuff.
------------
I taste the air,
A bitter whip
slashes through this
tasteless life.

A cause of reason,
a reason too soon,
a feeling giving,
of breaking the moon.

How silent darkness,
spreads like a disease.
Wander in it's own path,
with an eerie ease.

A plight of the sight,
searching behind
a reason to pry
the untouched mind.

Polluting the brain
a self corroded drain.
the downfall of madness,
the climbing of sadness.

How cryptic life is,
leaves no clues behind.
Partly showing signs,
mostly to hide.

Apparent reasons,
untie the knot
unfold the reins
of the ruins of the day.

A climb on the hill
a man pleases not
a tingling spine chill
the humans forgot.

Of how is to climb
to fly in this air.
A shape of spirit
the shape of despair.

Sacrifrices forgotten
too late to accept
a bond that was broken
a promise unkept.

I never end
I go on.
It ties no ones soul
waiting to promise -
to end in peace.

I paralyse...

The Faceless Victim

This is just a spontaneously written poem, so I never thought over it or read it over and over again to check it or anything. It's just a source to channel my thought's flowing through my head right now.

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I stand alone,
Watching the daylight as it freezes my thoughts.
'I am nothing, I am no-one'I repeat,
yet why do i feel like I'm all.


Is there any gain which takes away the pain,
Or only loss - to know what I have.
The blood that pumps through my veins,
dissolves in a defeat I accept.


I cannot stand forever,
I have to fall.
When and where? I question myself.
Is this the time or has it gone.


A faceless me stares endlessly
Into this painful mirror.
That reflects the darkness accumulated
through this dreadful journey.


Is it black all I see, or is it all that is,
Is what we see so real.
If what we see is what we get,
blind is what I think myself to be.


Step by step, inch by inch,
I crawl to the unseen mountains.
Climbed by my masters and by others
but not yet by me.


I stand in the shadows,
looming over me as I stand,
without proper dignity
without respect.


I speak therfore
no sense I hear.
All jumbled up tommorow,
All teared up today.


But somehow before falling I think,
'It's not being the best that's all about.
It's just the journey.'

Cryogenic Hibernation

'It was the middle east war goin' on and we had called for a chopper backup. We stood there still in the Tyrant Dictators office when we heard some muffled voices coming from the next room.We crept towards the room and made as little sound as possible. I kicked open the door and shouted "freeze." But no-on was there. They had already gone. But they left behind a
small gift. A time bomb, beeping continously with its irritating sound. Nobody in our team knew to defuse a bomb. We stood there helpless. The sound was getting faster and faster. I picked it up and banged it several times. It was gettin' more faster. I rattled it, no help. Sweat poured off from my forehead. And then a long endless beep.

"I opened my eyes, and stared at the alarm clock menacingly hoping that it would switch off on its own. "Damn you." i curse and strech my hand and bang on it."Ah! sweet silence. Now just five more minutes and i'll be fresh in no time."

It's suprising how the human biological clock can't make out the difference between five minutes and three hours while
sleeping.
Why do people sleep? To regain their cosmic energy? To kill time? To feel like dying for 8 hours and leave everything behind? Or just a celebration of how hard mankind has worked hard since we evolved?
Whatever it may be for all I care is to let it be the way it is.And I remember two years ago saying "Man! Sleeping is a waste dude. I mean think of all the time I could save without sleep." Boy was I dumb back then.

When I sleep I not only sleep, I hibernate. What I mean is that even if there was a brazilian samba dance troup performing around me I wouldnt even notice it. I sleep like I missed uot sleep for the last ten years. And an alarm clock doesn't change even a teeny bit of it, it has never served it's purpose for me.

In my last two academic years sleeping more than 7 hours was a hideous crime, and these rules will also be again implemented later on in other parts of my life.

For now durin' these vacations I have transformed myself into a Garfield, except different species. I sleep , I eat, I sleep , I eat. Hmmm... that might be it I guess.

Well, off I go onto the sweet dreams ..... zzzzzzzzz.