My Fall

I stood on the edge
I fought in my mind
A degree discontent
Seared in my head.

I forget where I am
I look to the sky
The wind passes me
I feel that I fly.

Floating with no wings
Light as a feather
Drowned into happiness
Blinded surrender.

Away and I move
Progress on digress
The air that soothes
A careful caress.

With wings I cant see
No sound that I hear
A moment I'm free
The next in fear.

My heart it stops
I ended my trip
Reality knocks
As hard as it hits.

This ground that I face now
The journey so far
Falling from grace
My surrender to god!

Of bands and sleeplessness

Since last year jan I've been inducted into the local rock scene by guitar-ing my way to a stage shows with 'Morbid Genesis'. N then came a one show with 'Untouched corpse', further moved onto 'Niflheim'...a show with 'Overdrive' too. But all this time it was mostly about covering songs, practicing 3 days before the show, and just plain screwin and jumpin around on stage. Never took it seriously coz of this and so it was highly sidetracked, since things were not the way I expected them to be.

Meeting Soumitra after a few months, he comes with a proposal of joining/forming a new progressive metal band. And this time it was serious. Then Shubham(another guitarist) tagged along to form the fundamental core of the current band. Things seemed a bit loose for me at the initial phase coz Soumitra(a.k.a Chutu) seemed really excited like a kid aiming to be on the moon just by looking at it. I wanted a big kick start so that there was some check on the seriousness that we might put in the band. Unfortunately my exams were goin in.

Going thru the nomenclature procedure was and is(since we're still nameless) a pain in the butt. We started off with 'String Theory', moved on to 'Lake Thor' and then came 'Blackville' (my favorite) and then onto 'BloodRush', and the manically depressing 'Mahasagar'.

My exams got over and so we took off with the band. Our main aim was making original compositions. This didn't take much time, Soumitra already had some tracks ready so the composition part was brief. We didn't look forward to piling up the track count, coz all we needed right now were a few songs for a demo tape. The main aim was to record these tracks to 'spread the music' and wait for reviews.

The recordings started. And then I came to know how it really felt like. Recording leave alone a whole track, just a riff for the track took us six straight nocturnal hours. Backbreaking it was, but on the other hand it was really fun. Playing guitar seriously knowing that If I play this well someone outside might hear it and like it. Wow! felt extraordinary. There was this drive inside to keep practicing for my clarity and sound. I worked on a single riff right thru an hour and still I wasn't bored of it. This is how awesome it feels! Making music. Pure Fun.

And its wasn't only the music that I really enjoyed, it was the company too. Me, Chutu and Shubham gelled in along so well considering that I didn't know Chutu that well before and never met Shubham till 3 weeks back. We kept on cracking really awful PJ's, torturing each other mentally, laughing like lunatics, jumping around, playing music...and all this was midnight to morning at my place.

We've not been really successful in the recording process so we had to delay the process in search of better equipment. But all the recording was not in vain coz from the amount of work we three put in it was clear what our commitment level to making music was. Crystal!

My sleep patterns got really skewed though, a bit insomnia has set in(if thats what I can call it!). But all this while I never felt this serious considering music something close to a career option.
The best part is I was going through my old diary written when I was 15. I had written this - " I'll be a guitarist of a band one day. A Rockstar."
Well the term 'Rockstar' is pretty embarrassing, but reading that really made me feel this great overwhelming happy feeling.

I'm here now, where I wanted to be!

The House I called Home

A lot of things in life varying in significance are taken for granted. The belief that 'its' just there and would always be'. And later to come to know that there are forces at work which would would go against this inside belief might add a painful level of shock.

I just came to know a few days back that my dad's place at Kodungaloor(kerala) is gonna be locked up, and if it follows suit like my mom's old place...probably get demolished in the future. This was something that would never have come to my head when I was there. I usually go there on vacations to visit my relatives. This house was huge, there were like 5 rooms, a pond, a ground, a garden, a fountain, an outhouse, a well, a stable and had that typical big Kerala family house thing to it. For me it was like a sanctuary during my vacations.

I still remember sometimes when I used to go with mom I used to make a fuss that I wanted to go over to dad's place coz I didn't like it at mom's place where there was no one my age. It was just going to Kodungaloor to this house where each room was inhabited by one of my uncle's or aunt's. And to go there and be greeted by so many people of your family all together - wow!

I do agree that I'm not much into the joint family living thing and all but I guess during the vacations when I used to go there it felt really warm to be in presence of so many people. There was this whole cousins 'gang' thing, usually the 'behenlog'(sisters) used to sit in a room and discuss girly( my ignorance to their topics of interest made me choose this label) stuff and me and my bhailog(brothers) would be out playing cricket or badminton r something. The best part was that a few of my uncle's and my dad would also join us while playing, and that was really awesome. I always used to go during the vacations so everyone would be free at that time.

Sometimes in the morning all of the cousins would go to the pond just to play around in the water, had some really fun times there. I was dead scared of deep waters actually mainly coz I was not a swimmer, but it was really fun just splashing around, relaxing in the sun...etc. The whole 'attempts to swim' would make us all really hungry and so off we would run to the bathrooms to clean ourselves up and be the first to reach the dinner table. Its always rice n sambhar alongwith assorted spices n subzi's n stuff in Kerala, you can't expect domino's of course...but eating the typical 'Kerala-south Indian' food felt like heaven. Though I frankly admit there used to be times when I would get bored of the rice too, but it added the whole 'authenticity' of being 'in' Kerala. After dinner we would either be talkin, watchin TV, or takin a siesta.

The evening would start with 'tea-time', and so there would be some awesome ladoos, mysore paks and other sweets with tea n coffee. Munch munch and then straight to the ground for us 'guys'. Our play would end and we would join our sisters expecting some delightful conversation eventually being shooed off or being given 'the look'. So there would be this time frame where we(as in the bhailog) would be put to thought about what all stuff would they be talking about the whole vacation that kept them so busy. Hmmm... never found out. Sigh.

There always was a power cut from 8-9 P.M. there. So everyone of use would sit outside in the semi darkness with just the moonlight. All the bhailog and behenlog would finally get together and play all sorts of kiddie games like 'red letter', 'chor police', 'lock n key' blah blah...and I guess nobody would be conscious of their own age. The joy of being a kid again, Ahhh!

Nightime, it was dinner and zap off to sleep. People used to sleep pretty early there sometimes. But me and brothers would just wake up late talking about all ummmm....may I say 'manly' stuff. Really fun, especially when my brother would make up this whole story about a 'hot encounter' he had with this girl in class. I used to listen with my mouth wide open and believe all the crap. I never made my own story, I was really bad at it...more plainly speaking - I sucked. We would all try to stay up till the morning but we would quickly drop one by one to increment the sleeping casualty toll.

Years went on. People started growing. Some of the bhailog and behenlog were too mature to be with the kids now so they would be spotted more often with the aunts and uncles talking about more serious issues. The groups got smaller.

The marriage bug came in. One after the other people would leave off to somewhere else. Their membership to the whole 'gang' had expired. I always knew this would happen, but I never prepared myself for the change coz as dumb as I might have been I thought the people would still be the same after marriage. And thats not how it was. The gaps set in. They now had their own children to take care of. What would we talk about when we met, I barely knew any part of adult life. Though I do say there was a 'gap', but it was not a bad one as it may seem from the word...the warmth would still be there, we would talk about the 'old-days' as if we were all sexagenarians. But that feeling of being a 'care-free' child slowly slipped away. Responsibilities had now crept in...there were priorities to manage. And I was still somewhere figuring it out.
Families started clearing the big old house to go off and live alone in the small new one. People split up to places.

We grew up. The frequency of playing had considerably decreased. Being in the same room with some of the remnants of the 'gang' just turned out to be a vestigial procedure. Now there was just me,my sister, my other two cousin brothers and their sisters. All the brothers were of the same age...all the sisters - same age.

Last year, one of my sisters got married. She's in Australia now, happy. My other cousin sister would get married this December. My own sister, well...she would soon be haunted by the "Woman! Its time you got married." bug. Me and my brothers, the survivors (for the moment!!!).

Things are not same anymore. Thats life they say. Though through all this topsy turvy of a journey there is one common thing which we all shared that still exists - The house. The house where it all was. A representation of our memories, stored in the walls of this abode. Calling it a mere dwelling was a laugh. It means a lot more to me. And I probably couldn't bare to witness it evacuated and locked up. But that sometimes is that hardest part of life, swallow and move on. Accept the ways. It feels horrible but not many options to ponder on.

I would soon be going there. To bare witness to the splendor that was, that is. Its my home away from home.



And as everyone knows...there's no place like Home!